31 Weeks

I can see now why the suicide rate is highest during the holidays.  First, there was Thanksgiving, where my dad didn't speak a word to me, wouldn't look me in the eye, and regarded me as if I were an inanimate piece of furniture.  Then, there was Christmas at my grandparents' house.  I was upset with my sister in law, left the room to calm down so I wouldn't tarnish the holiday spirit, and was followed by her and my brother.  They proceeded to gang up on me although I stayed calm, until my brother started yelling at me about things we had (I thought) already resolved over Facebook.  I stood up to walk away, he kept yelling, the rest of the family came in to see what the commotion was about, and then it was my mom and sister in law ganging up on me.  Then my mom and my aunt.  I couldn't stop crying for about 24 hours, but everyone else (including my brother) went on about their business as if nothing had happened.  This event had me nearly suicidal.

We went to my uncle's this past Saturday and all of the women were sitting at a table tasting wine.  I was in and out of the room chasing my children.  I came back in and sat at the end of the table.  My sister was at the other end -- my dear, sweet sister who has never said an unkind word to me -- next to my sister in law.  My aunt remarked at how lucky it was that my sister in law finally had a sister (A sister, not TWO sisters...because we all know I don't count).  She then said something about never having a sister, to which MY sister replied, "You can have mine...".  Damn.

I lived my 20's thoughtlessly, believing that I would never suffer any consequences for my impulsive indulgences.  I did whatever I wanted and could never conceive of the idea that someday I may pay the price for my carelessness.  Now I'm 30, and that day has come.  I have no one to blame but myself and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me.  Nonetheless, it's all hitting home at once.  I feel wounded, rejected, inadequate, invisible.  I could go on.  I think back to all the choices I make and, for the first time, consider how my actions must have affected those close to me.  How they must have impacted the way they feel about me.  How they contributed to the sorry, miserable state I find myself now in.  Yeah, well...cry me a river, right?

As if THAT were not enough, I was googling "entrustment ceremony" because I was thinking of doing something like this to commemorate the placing of my baby with her adoptive parents.  I thought it would help to give me closure and to have positive feelings about the adoption.  I happened to stumble upon this website which talked about the trauma of adoption to babies and the feeling of abandonment they can never recover from.  Am I really making the right choice?  I can't help but realize that she WOULD suffer if I were to keep her.  Am I just trading one set of psychological wounds for another?  Will I ever stop grieving after I do this?  Will I regret it and miss my baby forever?  The couple I chose will be wonderful parents, I have no doubt of that.  But will my daughter resent me despite the fact that I thought of her and wanted her to have everything I couldn't give her?  I'm sick with grief.  I miss my son, I miss my family, I miss the illusion of love that has shattered and left me realizing that I was just a toy and never a cherished partner.  I feel abandoned by everyone all at once, and now to expect me to give up one of the only three people in the whole wide world who would love me unconditionally and unwaveringly throughout my life...it's almost too much to bear.

This pregnancy has gone very well so far, but at 31 weeks, I'm starting to feel the pain.  I could barely sleep last night because my back hurt so bad.  The baby's elbows and knees are sharp and poky sometimes, and she's big enough to get up in my ribs.  Still, it isn't that bad, and I only have two months left. 

It is snowing out now, and I'm not very anxious to get back out in that weather.  The drive here was pretty horrible.  I HATE MICHIGAN!!!!  I need to check out some books, though, to snuggle up with and read tonight.  I will go for now...later!

Six of Swords

Sorry about yesterday, I was a bit incoherent.  I came to my blog with the intention of writing about something completely different, but then I happened upon some information which threw me for quite a loop.  I should have gathered my thoughts before I posted, but I'm much better now. 

N has succeeded in achieving what only one person before him ever did -- I hate him.  I know that hatred is an unhealthy emotion, and holding onto it won't hurt him any more than it would kill him if I drank poison.  I'm only hurting myself by harboring such negativity.  But honestly, I really wouldn't care if he were struck dead by lightning this very moment.  I used to think nobody was a "bad person", some people just make bad choices.  I thought we all had the potential to be good.  I was wrong.  There's nothing good about him, he poisons everything he touches and hurts everyone who has the misfortune of crossing his path.  I'm sure someday I'll resolve these negative emotions and move into a much healthier place of acceptance and healing.  For now, though, he can just die.

So, the end of the world tomorrow, right?  According to the Mayan calendar?  Yes, well, let me share something with you which probably won't come as much of a shock -- I hope the world DOES end tomorrow.  I'm tired.  I want off this ride.  This "life" thing is all just too much for me, and frankly quite overrated.  Most people are praying the world doesn't end, but I'm wishing it WILL.  I doubt I'll get so lucky, though. 

I'm just killing time here at the library until it's time to head to the sister circle.  I almost decided not to go, but it will be good for me.  I just don't feel well today.  I've been fatigued and nauseated for  the last few days.  It could be pregnancy, but I feel like I'm coming down with something.  I hope it blows over soon, it's hard to get any work done and all I ever think about is sleeping.  I need to get gifts tonight for the kids, too, and I just don't feel like shopping. 

So, the three of swords is about that soul-shattering grief.  All-consuming sorrow.  Bone-crushing heartache and emotional pain which shakes you to your very core.  The six of swords still deals with grieving and emotional pain, but it is a transition card.  She is in the boat, moving on.  Moving into a new phase of life, leaving the past permanently behind her.  It is over.  She still has the swords in the boat, which I prefer to look at as lessons learned from the emotional pain she has just endured.  Some interpret it as holding on to the actual pain, but since she is moving into the next phase and bringing only the swords, I feel like it's more appropriate to describe them as lessons and scars.  The good thing, too, is although the swords are stuck in the boat, they do not make her sink.  You might have some pain, but it isn't going to kill you.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm very sad but I keep moving forward.  I'll be damned if I let anyone get the best of me. 

Happy winter solstice tomorrow! 

***Edit.  I just found out the sister circle is cancelled.  :(  I'm bummed, but I can go lie in bed in my PJ's with a good book now and feel better.  I guess there's supposed to be a storm, so maybe I should head home also to avoid driving in it.  Incidentally, I saw this posted in the sister circle facebook group page and felt touched by it with all my talk of hatred and resentment toward life.  It definitely made me stop and think.

Vow of the Priestess

I choose to walk my path fearlessly
To live with my heart ...wide open
To be grateful for my experiences
Which led me straight into the arms of the Goddess
And taught me compassion for all things
To forgive and forgive and forgive again
While maintaining the boundaries of my own sacredness
Not resisting life, but allowing it to be
To accept and embrace it
And transmute my fear and suffering into Joy And just by being,
Give others permission to do the same.
To know that everyone is a mirror
Reflecting the light of the Goddess
All with truth at the core of their being
All unique, all beautiful, all different aspects of Her.

Three of Swords

Some people just never stop disappointing you.  But then, after a while, you realize that you should have come to expect certain behavior from those people, and you are just as much to blame from any heartache you endure as a result of believing that they could ever change.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me 9,623 times...I should be institutionalized for extreme mental shortcomings.

That's all I have to say on that.

I had my OB appointment today and I have reason to celebrate!  I've actually lost 4 pounds since I was at my primary care doctor's office a couple weeks ago.  This brings my grand total to 26 pounds, hooray for healthy eating!!!!  I found some wonderful parents for the baby and I really have a feeling of peace about things now.  It's going to hurt a lot, I'm trying to prepare for that eventuality.  Being realistic, though, I have to realize that I don't really have a choice.  I know I have to but I don't know how I'm going to.  Everything just hurts today.  Everyone in my life who pretends to care only wants to hurt me.  Every situation that could potentially bring me joy instead brings me pain.  I am all alone in a cold, cruel world and I don't want to DO this anymore!  I can't trust anyone.  I can't depend on anyone.  Ohhhhhhhhh refocus refocus refocus.

This isn't meant to be a negative rant.  I should consider it a gift that people have revealed their true selves to me.  Yes, they have disappointed me, but at least now I see them for what they really are and I won't give them more credit than they deserve any longer.  In some cases, I saw the truth long ago.  It's amazing the rationalizations one will believe when she is lonely.  REFOCUS!!!!!

Sister circle tomorrow night.  God, I need this.  I am so looking forward to some sisterly bonding.  Then, Friday is the winter solstice and I'll have both of my kids.  I have happy things to cling to, forget the rest.  This whole entry is probably pretty cryptic but I don't have the energy to explain anything right now.  My brother, my sister in law, my aunt, my mom, my dad, N...

Did I even talk about what happened at my grandma's?  Well if I didn't, in short the whole family turned against me.  But to dwell on sadness only creates more of the same.  Jesus Christ, I'm really going to have a breakdown now.  I think I've taken just about all I can take.  It's at that point where you stretch the rubber band...and stretch...and streeeeeeetch...and....SNAP.  I'm almost there.  And what the hell is taking me so long, huh??????  I'M JUST IN EVERYONE'S WAY.

I need to go home and go to bed.  I need to talk to....oh that's right, I don't even have anyone I can talk to.  Just as well because as soon as you think you can trust someone or that someone cares, they betray you anyway.  Now I see why N would rather have enemies.  With an enemy, you EXPECT them to hurt you.

30 Weeks

I think I'm possessed.

No, seriously.  I'm not sure whether I should call my doctor or a priest.  I feel like I need to tell someone about this, but I'm worried that people would think I'm crazy and have me committed.  Hell, if someone told ME something like  this, I probably wouldn't believe it.  The other night, I was having this dream.  I was on a bus or something and all of a sudden, I realized I was dreaming.  (I love when that happens, because then I can do whatever I wish I could do in real life but am unable -- like flying or giving someone a piece of my mind.)  Anyway, I decided to take the opportunity to reach out to my spirit guides.  I'm not terribly sensitive to supernatural phenomena in my waking life, so I thought it would be cool to try to talk to them on the astral plane.

Well.  Just then, everything started to go black in front of me.  It was like someone with a giant finger dipped in black paint started smearing it around my field of vision.  I was filled with this intense fear and I had to force myself to wake up.  When I did, my body was VIBRATING.  I wasn't just shaking like you do when you're cold or afraid.  I literally felt electricity radiating from my spine and my body was buzzing, vibrating like a damn cell phone.  That was the scariest thing that ever happened to me in my life.  What does it mean?  Are my spirit guides evil?  Am I possessed by some demon?  Or was I just having some kind of seizure?  Either way, I'm not entirely sure what to do.

I wonder to myself lately, why does the person singing the soundtrack of my life these days have to be Taylor Swift?  I mean, I like her and everything, I just don't like how every song she comes out with seems to be about my life.  Is she stalking me?  LOL...of course I'm kidding.  White Horse describes how I felt when I realized I was going  to leave N and wanted to move on with my life.  We Are Never Getting Back Together describes the frustrating time after I left him during which he would come back, I'd take him back, I'd realize I was better off without him, and we'd break up again.  The latest one I've been hearing, I Knew You Were Trouble, describes exactly how I feel right now.  "And the saddest fear...comes creeping in...that you never loved me, or her, or anything..."  But anyway, I DID know he was trouble when he walked in.  And he WAS long gone when he met me...we never had a chance.  All it ever was, start to finish, was a game.  I'm not really sad about it anymore, just sad about the things I sacrificed for that horrible excuse for a loving relationship.  Live and learn, though, right?

After all, now I live for my kids.  I never appreciated the simple joys that could be found just in playing with, cuddling with, and talking to your kids.  Devoting all of myself to them for a change feels really good.  I look forward to the times we get to spend together and love planning fun things for us to do.  I wish I had been this excited about parenting before, but I suppose it sometimes takes losing something to get real perspective on what part that thing played in your life.  Sometimes you realize you never needed it after all (like with N), and sometimes you realize you never appreciated how wonderful it could be (like with my kids).  I have a long road ahead of me, but my head and my heart are in the right place now.  I know I'll get there.

The Hermit

Wow.  It's really time I did a little bit of soul-searching.  Right after I finished posting my last entry, my brother (who is typically a man of few words) sent me a message on Facebook basically telling me how since I was 15 I've been wreaking havoc on everyone's life.  He informed me that he blames me for his hurting marriage, awkward family gatherings, and...some other stuff, I don't remember.  He said that God was the only thing that got him through the bullshit I put everyone through.  Now, it didn't exactly come as a shock to me to hear that other people suffered as a result of my tumultuous life.  I just never thought about it at all until now.

I always thought that "bad people" KNEW they were bad and just didn't care.  I thought some people chose to be good, others chose to be bad, and everyone was aware of which side of the fence he or she fell on.  Now I wonder -- have I been a "bad person" this whole time, for the last 15 years, without ever realizing it???  Of course my mistakes were due to stupidity, ignorance, idealism, short-sightedness, etc...but never malice.  I swear on everything I love that I never intended to hurt anyone.  I'm a little shell-shocked right now, but I can't argue.  Everything he said was true.  So that's weighing on my mind.

On a very unrelated note, I thought my water broke today.  I'm still not sure exactly what's going on or if I should call the doctor.  I was at work and I went to scan a bunch of contracts.  I felt something cold against my thigh and realized with alarm that my skirt had a pretty big wet spot.  I'm not trying to give too much information or gross anyone out, but I knew I hadn't peed myself and it was more than just typical discharge.  I was concerned because yesterday my back hurt so bad that I sat under the hot shower for an hour and went right to bed.  Now my back hurts again, but it might be my kidney.  The baby is too little, and I'm so unprepared!  I can NOT be going into labor so soon.

I contacted the court to find out what to do with my petition for a PPO.  I have to turn it in between 8 and 5 Monday-Friday and have an interview.  Well, I work 45 minutes away from the courthouse all of those days!  I don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to call my family advocate to see if she has any ideas.

Speaking of work, it's going very well.  I had a short meeting with my supervisor today and she is very pleased with my audit scores.  (My average is 98%).  Who knows, maybe I'll get hired in.  Even if not, I'll be one of the first chosen for the next assignment.  As long as I'm employed, I'm not really picky.

I really hope N has a change of heart about adoption.  I'm talking to a local couple who seems very wonderful and they suggested I contact the agency they are going through.  That agency apparently said they can help me.  Well, I've heard THAT before.  I just wish the one I was going through had told me a lot sooner that they couldn't do anything for me.  It would have saved me time and hope.

I don't just want her to survive, to have just any life.  If I didn't care about the QUALITY of her life, I'd just give her to N and his wife.  At least I would know she would probably not be killed, but above that I have no confidence.  Or I could take my mother's horrible suggestion and take advantage of the "Safe Haven Law" and just deposit my newborn on the front steps of a local police department and just hope she got placed in a good foster family.  Are you freaking CRAZY???  I'll feel sorry for this baby if she doesn't get the opportunity to have a better life than what N or I am capable of giving her, but I would NEVER forgive myself if I just abandoned her at a police station like so much unwanted garbage.  I want to feel confident that she is going to have everything I could have never given her.  That's the whole point, isn't it?

Today's card, The Hermit, refers to my current place in life.  I have withdrawn socially, taken on single solitude, and chosen this opportunity to look within and do some serious introspection.  I just want to be alone with my thoughts.  Yes, I am also a wee bit depressed (which is not typically a trait of The Hermit -- or, in my deck, Contemplation.)  But this part of my journey I must walk alone.  I have a lot to think about.

29 Weeks

My life is falling apart.  It should be going great, but everything is going wrong.  I am terrified and pissed off and confused and frustrated, among probably a dozen other things.  The adoption agency emailed me last week saying that if N won't appear at a court date 2.5 hours away, they can't really help me.  I already know he won't, I told them that when I first contacted them!  Now I have 10-12 weeks to figure out what the hell I am going to do.  I listened to a voicemail from them as I was leaving work advising me that they are closing my case.

THEN, I got a text from my sister in law.  It said that my son had a horrible day at school.  Just as I was texting back a sympathetic response, I got another text from her saying, "I sure hope this isn't going to happen every week after he spends the weekend with you."  BITCH.  Then she says "Your actions are toxic for your son.  I feel so bad for him. :("  Yeah, I feel bad for him to.  I feel bad that he has to live with a judgemental hypocritical holier-than-thou fake-ass condescending two-faced backstabbing insensitive horrible creature like you.  I feel bad that I have to see him cry every time I send him back to your house because I screwed up and couldn't give my son what he needed.  I feel bad that I made choices that led me to a place where I had no choice left but to let you step in.  I feel bad that I let him down because he should be with me.  I feel bad that you broke the only toy he had from me on purpose.  I feel bad that you threatened to take away Christmas if he didn't believe what you believe, even though he's only six and I would never support you brainwashing him.  I feel bad that his role model right now is a stuck up bitch who thinks she's better than everybody else and has the depth of a potato chip. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I probably deserved a taste of my own medicine.  After all, every time I hear about something they are doing that I don't like, I flip out and attack her about it.  I do realize it's easy to find fault with someone when they are doing the work and you aren't.  I also realize that I couldn't do it any better.  I know we're on the same side and nothing they do is personal...okay, maybe I DON'T know that.  I feel like they're plotting against me.  I feel like they're planning to take my child and lying to my face.

See, the problem is that she is so fake all the time, I can't put any trust in her.  She's one of those girls who is super sweet to everyone's face, then talks shit about them behind their back.  She called N a "dirty Mexican", she told my mom she was better than some friends she was meeting up with because she is thinner than they are, she's the type of bitch who makes condescending remarks about everyone who is different than she is because her shit smells like roses.  So, is it possible that I'm being paranoid and imagining that they are going to try to take my son?  Maybe, but I would never know.  I can't trust people like her.  Maybe I'm a little bit too much for people, wearing my heart on my sleeve and saying what I think.  But people always know where they stand with me.  The worst part is that she brings out the worst in my mom, who I used to think was such a wonderful, good person.  The two of them get all catty and petty together and it makes me so disappointed in this woman I looked up to.  I gave her so much more credit than that -- I don't want to believe she's just as narrow-minded and judgmental as my sister in law is.  How did I gestate in this woman's womb???

I had a good weekend with the kids in my new apartment.  N pulled some crazy stalker shit and followed me to my apartment Saturday night.  He acts like it's no big deal but I feel seriously violated.  If I wanted him to know where I lived, I would have told him.  I have been completely robbed of my right to privacy and I never got a say in the matter.  I am so angry.  Not only that, but my sister in law is attributing my son's bad behavior at school today to that incident.  I'm not saying she's not right, I'm just upset that she would think it was within the realm of my control.  I was just as scared and upset about it as my son was, and I felt just as bad as she did that he had a bad day at school.  Granted, meeting him at a McDonald's a couple towns over was probably not the best decision in retrospect, but I guarantee that I never thought this would happen.  I thought I was making the safest choice at the time.  I owed him money and I arranged to come outside and hand it to him while the kids were in the play place.  They would never have had to see him.  Of course, I'm stupid and I didn't anticipate that he would march his stupid ass into the playplace after I had specifically asked him not to.  Of course I should always assume that if there is a way he can disrespect me, he will.  That's ANOTHER person I gave too much credit to.

I have nobody.  There is no one who is truly in my corner anymore.  My mom used to be my best friend and I could talk to her about anything, but now that my sister in law is in the family, I feel like I don't know her anymore.  I tried to talk to her today and all she could do is defend her.  N only ever pretended to have my back but he's proved he has zero respect or consideration for me at all.  My sister in law always gives me the song and dance about "we love you" but I can see right through that bullshit.  I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and losing my mind.  I'm falling off a giant cliff and there is nobody at the bottom to catch me.  Yeah, well, woe is me.  What difference does whining make?  It is what it is. 

27 Weeks

I should have peed before I started writing this.  The doctors tell me to "push the water", but how will I possibly make time to pee even MORE than I do now???  I did it before I left work, drove to the library, and now I have to go again.  GRRRR!  Well, I'm going to just hold it and write this post.

The baby can see now, she's about 2 pounds, and moves around quite a bit.  I've noticed she doesn't really get active until after noon -- maybe she likes to sleep in.  As for myself, I've been eating much better but I still feel as if I'm expanding daily.  My upper thighs are starting to rub together now and it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope I don't have to struggle too much to lose the weight I'm gaining.  This week, breakfast is whole grain oatmeal mixed with Greek yogurt; I have Luna bars, Greek yogurt bars, and almonds for snacks; lunch is veggies, hummus, multi-grain pita chips, an apple or banana, and a Vitamin Water; and for dinner I try to find something healthy to eat.  The past three nights in a row, it's been a turkey sandwich because of Thanksgiving leftovers.  I think tonight I'll have something different.

All this talk about food is making my tummy rumble!  Speaking of my stomach, I notice that I've been getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately.  They don't hurt, but my whole stomach tightens up and gets rock hard.  I can't even bend at the waist when I'm having one and they feel really strange.  I'm sure this happened with my other two kids, but because I didn't know to expect them or understand what was happening when I had them, I didn't really take special notice.

Work is going really well.  I had a very frustrating day yesterday because I had forgotten everything I learned over the four day weekend.  I found my groove, though, and today was smooth sailing.  Three of my contracts got audited and I got 100% on two of them, 92% on the third.  I'll take it.  :)

Friday night, my starter went out.  At first I thought that my battery was dead and that I needed a jump, but when I finally found someone with jumper cables, I learned that it was not  the battery but the starter.  And you know, I never had any intention of seeing N again.  Earlier that day, I had taken my son to the movies and N showed up while we were playing in the arcade afterward.  It was a little awkward and I was worried about how my son would react, but for some reason he was overjoyed to see N.  I just played it cool and everything seemed to go fine, but I wasn't sure how this was going to impact my non-relationship with N.  Nothing had changed.

I'm big on interpreting the underlying messages of things that happen, of searching for some hidden meaning in the seemingly random events of our lives.  When my car broke down later that night, who was there for me?  He was -- and without complaint, expectation, or guilt trip.  I was completely broke because I had just paid a $222 fine to reinstate my license.  He covered everything, found a mechanic, and had it fixed in time for me to go to work on Monday.  Why???  I kept asking him why he would do that, and he said it was because he loves me.  I don't understand, though, how that could be true considering the lying and cheating that went on while we were together.  However, he didn't have to do any of that stuff, and I sure wouldn't do it for someone I didn't care about.  So I'm struggling to interpret what this could all mean.  It's hard to say that he DOESN'T love me, but it's hard to believe that he DOES.

I'm having similar contradictions in my mind when it comes to the baby.  I'm running out of time, and she won't just stay in there until I decide!  Bottom line, I can't see myself raising her and I can't see myself giving her up.  Both choices seem wrong now.  What happened?  I was so sure.  I was so convicted.  To be honest, I do still feel like adoption would be best for her.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough.  This is terrible!  I need to stop being so selfish.  I feel like I'm only thinking of myself and that's not fair at all.  After all, my daughter is with her dad and my son is with my brother.  Do I really think I can do any better with this one?

But reading all these stupid facts about newborns is getting me sentimental.  The baby knows the mother's scent and voice when she is born.  Will it be traumatizing to rip her from the only familiar person she has bonded to and place her in strange and unfamiliar territory?  I'm not sure if this last-minute hesitation is an indication that I should keep her, or just my hormones clouding my better judgement.  I need HELP!!!!!

STRENGTH

Strength is the perfect card for me.  Upon first glance, one might assume that the meaning is basic and refers only to the ability to be strong.  They may infer that it deals with mental fortitude, emotional strength, or physical prowess.  While these characteristics can sometimes play a part in the interpretation of this card, the meaning actually goes a lot deeper than one may realize.  It isn't about the ability to control anything through force or domination.  It's about a deeper strength, the realization that TRUE strength sometimes lies in patience and restraint.  It's about controlling your circumstances without BEING controlling.  My explanations always seem to fall short, though, because while I can FEEL the meaning of the cards, I still don't feel like I can accurately translate the inner understanding into words that seem adequate.  Since this card is so important to my current circumstances, I'm going to copy and paste part of Keen's profile of the Strength card.

"The Strength card is one of the most sophisticated cards in the Tarot deck, representing a higher level of consciousness that takes responsibility in order to master yourself and your world...You are in the midst of getting to know how to rule your world. You are not domineering in this control. Strength is a card that exerts its control through understanding and cooperation. You are in charge, but others do your bidding because you have made it worth their while and created a joyful context in which all of you interact.

The blessing this card brings in the future position is the reassurance that whatever is pestering you in life now will soon come under your control. Strength in the future position represents a loving dominance of circumstances that may seem beyond your power at the moment. Longtime challenges will be met and mastered if you keep with the path indicated by the cards leading up to Strength. The best part of this card is learned in getting to know and appreciate yourself – the woman in the Strength card has the animal under control, but it is the look of peace upon the lion that gives this card its greatest possibilities. There is no leash or shackle on the king of the beasts – your peacefulness and self-acceptance will arrive because you will see yourself as the world views you."

Pretty neat, huh?   It, to me, is the next logical step in my current life after attaining the inner wisdom of the High Priestess.  With that wisdom, I can make the right choices for my life.  Knowing that what is best is not always easy and having the patience and faith to wait for my responsibility to pay off takes a certain kind of strength, indeed.  Especially when it is so tempting to take the easy way out, to go down roads that I know lead nowhere, to look for a "quick fix".  For example, I have been lonely many nights.  I have cried and felt empty with no companion by my side.  My initial impulse was always to call N, to come crawling back like I've always done.  But I knew what  the result of that choice would be, so I summoned forth the inner strength required to stay the course and keep him out of my life.  Now, my life is becoming so beautiful that there is absolutely no chance in the world that I would throw it away for him. 

Today, I found out that I got approved for Project HEAL.  I will have an apartment for up to six months and pay 30% of my income toward rent.  The apartment is for myself and my children ONLY.  Counseling is provided, they offer guidance toward self-sufficiency and connections to resources, and they have rules.  Rules are just what I need right now.  Strange, isn't it?  I couldn't wait to turn 18 so I could do whatever I wanted and have NO rules, only to find myself craving some kind of structure.  Well, let's face it -- we all know what happens when I play by MY rules.

So, this is very off-topic, but I think my new healthy diet is disagreeing with my digestive system.  I feel nauseated and I have the worst gas EVER.  I can't think of any time in my life when I have ever experienced a problem like this.  I know that's probably too much information, but it's the truth!  Another weird thing is that my feet have been sweating.  It's cold outside, too.  I don't get it. 

There is a selfish part of me that wants to keep this baby, but I do feel inside that adoption is the right choice for her.  It's a little awkward when people I'm not close enough to to want to share the intimate details of my life ask things like, "Do you have any names picked out yet?"  I mean, I don't feel like it's exactly necessary to tell everyone, "No, but I have some wonderful parents picked out!"  People judge.  Anyway, it's not everyone's business!  But how do I answer questions like that???

I know I've been back and forth about my decision.  My conviction that adoption was the right choice never changed, I only wavered because I felt like including N's opinion was "the right thing to do".  Then I ask myself if he truly has her best interests at heart, if he honestly thinks this is the best choice.  Is his opposition to adoption motivated by love, or ego?  Does he love her, or does he love having a means to control me?  After all, let's face it.  I see who gets left with his daughters whenever he decides to go out and party, take someone out on a date, go shopping, or stay somewhere overnight.  I see who gets left holding the bag whenever he decides responsibility just doesn't suit him at the moment.  I KNOW who would be responsible for diaper changes, late night feedings, and soothing a sick or inconsolable baby. 

Yes, the decision impacts both of us.  But whose life would be most affected by raising a newborn?  Not his.  It would be either mine, or his wife's.  And there is NO WAY I'm having my daughter raised in THAT fucked up situation.  He's already proved he has no respect for his wife and that's never going to change.  Am I really going to let you send the message to my daughter that this is the way men should treat her?  HELL NO.  So judge me if you want to, but he has proved that he is not capable of making a rational decision when it concerns his child.  After all, he just spent HOW many hundreds of dollars on tattoos and drugs, but how much did he spend on baby things?  I'm due in three months.  Do we have a car seat?  Do we have a crib?  Do we have any diapers, clothes, baby soap, etc?  NO.  So really, how seriously should I really take him?

26 Weeks

I really did it this time.  I am thrilled to declare that I have cut off all contact with N.  I don't even want to say, "For real this time!", because how many times have I said that?  I feel so strong.  I feel so disciplined.  I feel so committed to my personal evolution and dedicated to defending my worth as a woman.  I put my foot down and I demand no less than everything I deserve, and if someone can't deliver, they will not be allowed to exchange any kind of energy with me.  I need caring, positive, honest, loving, loyal people in my inner circle.  Anything less will not make the cut. After all, there are how many billions of men in the world?  I don't have to settle.  I'm not desperate.  If one doesn't meet my standards, why waste time?  NEXT.

I do realize that my new-found self-esteem borders on arrogance.  Hmmm, maybe arrogance isn't the right word.  I know I sound a little cocky, though, but make no mistake -- EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS.  Everyone deserves to have exactly what fulfills him or her, exactly what he or she dreams of, and nothing less.  NO ONE should settle for a person, relationship, or situation that does not enhance his or her life in some way.

Work has been going well, but the housing search has been a little stressful.  I did have my assessment last night for Project HEAL and I'm very nervous to find out if I've been accepted into the program or not.  It seems like my best option right now, and time is running out at the shelter.  I did also get an email out of the blue from my disability lawyer.  Are we still pursuing that?  I didn't think I had a chance, so I never gave the forms to my doctor to fill out.  I am also working full time, which I thought excluded me.  Furthermore, I missed the court date today.  Despite all that, he seems to think I still have a case and he is going to schedule a show-cause hearing.  He also sent the forms to my doctor.  Hey, what have I got to lose?  Nothing, because I've already lost it all.

OKAY SIDE NOTE.  I can't even concentrate, you would not BELIEVE what I'm seeing right now!  This really makes me think twice about touching these keyboards at the library.  There's this kid sitting at the computer across from me who is compulsively picking his nose.  I mean, he is doing it over and over and OVER and WON'T STOP!!!  To make matters worse, he then resumes touching the keyboard or the mouse, then picks his nose some more, click click type, pick pick pick pick, click type type, pick pick pick...THAT IS SO FREAKING GROSS!!!!

Baby update time!  If I set a book on my stomach, you can see it move when she moves.  I woke up one morning and my face looked like a giant balloon.  I was so dejected, but then I realized that crying doesn't change anything!  How many calories could moping around possibly burn?  If I don't like it, I should change it.  So, I went right to the grocery store and bought protein shakes, protein bars, apples, bananas, Luna bars, and Greek yogurt.  I started right away the next day eating a banana and a protein shake for breakfast, a Luna bar on my first break, a yogurt and an apple for lunch, and a protein bar on my second break.  Okay so that means that I did it yesterday and today, so I can't exactly pat myself on the back yet.  But every journey starts with a single step, no?

I think my car is about to die.  So while I have so many things to be excited and hopeful about, these are things just looming on the horizon, still beyond reach.  The things in my current reality are a little more challenging, such as my car acting crazy like it wants to quit.  I can't afford this right now!  What will happen if it breaks down?  How will I get to work?  And if I lose my job, how will I EVER pay for an apartment?  My whole life hinges on my car NOT breaking down right now.  Oh, please please please please please!!!!  Not to mention that I have to make sure not to get pulled over or my car will get impounded and I'll go to jail, with the same end result of being totally screwed.  I wish I had saved up more money before I left.  Then again, maybe I would never have left.  Maybe I'd be dead right now.  Even if not, I definitely wouldn't be happy.  I can't say a lot for my situation at the moment, but strangely enough, I CAN say that I'm happy.  That counts for something, right?  That counts for EVERYTHING.

25 Weeks

I'm going to start out with the good news.  I start my new assignment for the temp agency tomorrow and I'll be making $14 an hour.  It will go until at least January but might get extended.  I got a call today from Project HEAL and they are going to give me an assessment on Monday.  It's a transitional housing program for survivors of domestic violence, and it would be really helpful if I get approved because I'm having the worst luck finding a landlord who will rent to me.  That's the bad news.

The housing advocate at the shelter gave me this long list of apartments and houses for rent, and I called the number on every single listing.  Only one landlord is willing to rent to me, and he has an appointment today with my roommate.  I got a copy of my credit report and it isn't good, so apartment complexes are pretty much out of the question.  The waiting list is open for the Section 8 voucher, but it's a two year waiting list.  I definitely feel like if I just let go and trust that the universe will guide me in the right direction, everything will come out okay.  I'm a little stressed because I want to get out of the shelter and it isn't happening as quickly as I'd like it to, but I am maintaining a calm center and knowing that everything will be okay.

N thinks he's going to hurt me by telling me if I hadn't left, I wouldn't be homeless right now.  I made my bed, so I must lie in it.  Well, yeah -- but I don't care!  If I had stayed, I'd have ended up drinking a bottle of antifreeze or jumping off a bridge somewhere!  I say that sarcastically, but in reality I truly WAS suicidal.  I was pushed to a point of despair beyond what I've ever approached in my life.  I really didn't care if I died -- I used to pray that I would die during childbirth.  Inevitably, though, I'd remember that my children do need me and I need to stay strong for them.  Ultimately, they are the driving force behind everything I'm doing.  I want to set a good example for my daughter and show her how a man should treat her.  I want my son to grow up to respect women.  I want to be happy and healthy so that I can be devoted to them, engaged in their lives, and a source of love and support that they can count on.  This is all for my children.

Being at the shelter is difficult.  I know that women in general have a reputation of being gossipy, but I feel that these women exceed the normal limits of drama.  I don't really talk to anyone, and I'm sure they think I'm stuck up.  But I hear what they say about the women in the shelter who ARE their so-called "friends"!  Every night, they sit around at the table and talk shit.  This girl smells funny, this girl still talks to her assailant, this girl should get kicked out because she's never back on time, that girl doesn't do her chores, this girl is a bad parent.  BLAH BLAH BLAH!  The less they know about me, the less fuel they have for their drama machine.  Besides that, what I really need right now is to be surrounded by positivity.  I imagine a sisterhood comprised of women who support one another and build each other up, not tear their sisters down behind their backs.

So, tonight I am going to the Red Road Sister Circle.  It used to be called the Womb Wellness Sister Circle, but J changed the name.  I went to one meeting a year ago and then I decided to get myself all wrapped up in N and I never showed up again.  I really needed these ladies, but I took the wrong path and now I'm paying the price.  It's okay, though.  It's never too late to make better choices.

In pregnancy news...UGH!!  I'm not feeling very attractive these days.  Seemingly overnight, my face fattened up!  Everything else seems about the same, but I have this giant puffy fat girl face and I can't even stand to see my own reflection.  As soon as I get my own place, I really intend to make a sincere commitment to working out.  I'm already trying to make healthier eating choices.  While I was working, it was no problem.  In the time between assignments, though, I've indulged in a lot of stress eating.  Donuts, cheeseburgers, candy, chips, soda. super sweet coffees...you get the idea.  I'm not even hungry, I'm just sad and bored.  I feel a void within me and I can't fill it with drugs, alcohol, or casual sex so I'm resigned to stuffing it with calorie-laden snacks and fatty meals.  Another bad choice that I'm paying for now.  Like I said before, though -- it's never too late to make better choices!  So that's exactly what I'm doing.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to make it COUNT.

The High Priestess

Shit, I can hardly breathe today.  I have so much to do, but I just can't focus.  I'm just holding on for dear life while this whirlwind tears through me.  And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat...okay, those were Ellie Goulding's words, but they definitely apply.  I can't think straight.  As I mentioned, I can barely even breathe.  I'm such a jumble that I try to just sleep as much as I can, but sleep eludes me and I'm forced to toss and turn in my bed as dark and scary thoughts parade through my brain.

I had counseling today, but I spent the whole time talking.  I TRIED to slow down, but it was extremely difficult.  The therapist could barely get a word in edgewise, and when she DID, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.  I don't feel any different than I did before I set foot in her office, and now I'm at a loss.  What now?

I met with the housing advocate when I got back to the shelter.  She said because I am working, DHS will help with first month's rent and deposit.  Now I just have to find a place and have the temp agency and the landlord each fill out a form.

N actually did me a huge favor.  The last time I saw him, things just felt different.  I had already decided that I was no longer interested in trying to work things out with him because I am not comfortable with the relationship he has with his wife.  He still wanted to get together after work, which I agreed to, but my feelings on that topic hadn't changed.  If there was any chance that I'd change my mind, it disappeared when I was explaining why I was upset.  You see, one of us would text the other at about 6:30 in the morning.  One morning came that he didn't text me, so I texted him and he didn't reply until his first break.  I thought at that time that things were good between us, especially because the last text he had sent the night before was, "I love you with all my heart beautiful.  Never forget that."  I was puzzled at being ignored, but didn't want to jump to conclusions.  Anyway, it turned out that she had given him a ride to work that morning.  I'm tired of taking a backseat to her when she's around.  If you're with me, you're with ME.  Just me, all the time.  If you can't text me when you're around her, then fuck you, I can do better than THAT.  So I told him that it felt like she came before me and that's why things just wouldn't work.  To which he replied, "No one comes before anyone."

Really?  Okay.  If I don't come before your (supposed) EX, then I'm not hanging around.  That was the final final FINAL straw for me.  When he said that, I knew where I stood.  And I don't want to stand there anymore or ever again.  We had sex, but it felt different.  It felt like he was disengaged.  He held me, but that felt different too.  It felt like he was closed off, like I couldn't reach him.  That's when I knew he was gone, the imaginary silver cord connecting our souls together had been severed and there was nothing left there for me.  He, of course, wrongly assumed that I was upset because I wanted him to text me more.  No, I'm upset because you won't text me when you're around HER.  And it already happened, so you can't fix it.  The next day he texted me in the morning and on his break, but he had already gone cold and I could feel it.  Where he used to say things like, "Hi beautiful, I'm thinking of you, how is your day?"  or "I can't wait to see you and hold you tonight", etc, he was instead just like, "Hey.  How's work?"

This was the best thing he could have done.  If he had given me a shred of hope to cling to so I could pretend he loves me and we could be happy, maybe I would have foolishly chased that empty dream indefinitely.  But one thing I can be grateful for is that he was finally real with me and that helped me start the process of getting over it.  Yes, I cried a little as I tried to sleep last night.  Yes, it still hurts a little -- but I'm hurting mostly because I'm alone and I wish I had someone to talk to.  As soon as I started thinking about all the things he used to do that hurt me, the tears stopped and I realized how fortunate I was to have another chance to find real love.  I think everyone deserves that.

The High Priestess is called Wisdom in my deck.  She stands for being in touch with your inner wisdom, being connected to your intuition and honoring it.  Having been through a rough trial, I have definitely gained wisdom and learned to respect myself and my instincts.  They have been trying to guide me for eleven months and I have only ignored them.  Now that I have made the mistake and suffered the consequences, I am wiser as a result.

PS -- After writing this blog entry, I went to check my Facebook.  N's sister posted something yesterday which made me stop and think.  It said, "Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted.  What you won't do, someone else will."  HELL YES.  He wouldn't respect me, but someone will.  He wouldn't be honest with me, but someone will.  He couldn't be faithful, but someone CAN.  Conversely, I'm sure there is someone out there who will love him for everything he is.  There are plenty of girls who like to be controlled and don't mind serving their boyfriends, and they will definitely do what I couldn't as far as being another piece of his personal property.  :)))))))

24 Weeks

My life has been such a rollercoaster lately.  I can't even think straight, I have weird nightmares, I suddenly feel panicked or sad for no reason, and I burst into tears at  the slightest provocation.  I feel so intensely happy one minute, only to be gripped in the throes of sorrow the next, enraged over some real or perceived slight, then simply numb.  I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want.

I felt like I was over him, then I felt like I missed him, then I thought I wanted to be with him again.  We got back together and I changed my mind, then I missed him and changed my mind again.  I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is real and justified, and how much of it is manufactured by my own imagination.  I never can tell if I'm just being paranoid or if my intuition is trying to tell me something.  I feel so unstable right now.  A couple nights ago, I came home from work and just cried and cried.  The next day, I was on top of the world and nothing could touch me.  The day after that, I cried all the way home and in bed until I fell asleep.  The next day, I felt invincible again.  Yesterday was a normal day and today I'm back to feeling scared, confused, and immobilized by sadness.  What do I do????  I set up an appointment for counseling on Thursday, but I'm just not sure how long I can function like this.  I'm not on any medication and I'm afraid to take anything that could hurt the baby.

Oh yeah, and about the baby.  I'm having second thoughts about that, too!  Everyone is so supportive and I was so sure that I was making the right choice.  I started to wonder how I would feel if I had a baby and wanted to keep it, but the father placed it for adoption without my consent.  Even though there are plenty of people who would support me and tell me it's okay to choose new parents for our baby even if he doesn't agree, I feel like that might be bad karma.  I'm not the only parent.  Do I really have a right  to discount his opinion?  On the other hand, what am I going to do if he has to be away for a few months and can't help me with the baby?  What am I going to do if he can never come back?  How would I feel if we were together raising our baby and he was cheating on me and bringing our daughter around his girlfriend?  After all, what comes around goes around.  He did it to her, why would I think he wouldn't do it to me?

But despite all that, I love him.  I can't stop loving him!  I think it would be good for both of us if I could just forget about him, but I can't.  I don't think this is healthy to be so attached to someone who can, and has proven that they WOULD, hurt you immensely.  Every time I think things are going to be different, I end up crushed.  I WANT to believe everything is going to be okay.  I WANT a reason to forgive him and start over.  But things keep happening which make that impossible, and I can't deal with the alternative -- being alone!  Eddie's a great guy, but I still felt empty when I was talking to him.  I stopped because I didn't feel like it was fair to him that I was using him as a rebound to get over the person I really loved.  He was starting to really like me and I already knew the feeling would never be mutual.  What do I do?????

Anyway, in baby news...I can see my belly move when she moves now!  It's entertaining.  She's taking up more room now and it is a tad bit uncomfortable, but I only have four months left to go.  I got (more) huge overnight, it seems -- one night, I wore my pajama bottoms.  The next night, I washed them.  The night after that, they were tight!  It's probably just from being in the dryer, right?  I hope!  I think my weight gain has slowed down also, mostly because I've been working for nine straight days and I don't eat at work.  I wake up, have coffee and bread, go to work, and eat something when I come home at about 9:30.  Then I usually do my chore and pass out.  I'll find out how I'm doing with that at my next appointment.

I have a bunch of things to accomplish before I leave the library and I only have an hour left, so I better go!

Death (Transformation)

So much has changed.  I should have blogged yesterday because I was in a great mood -- I felt happy, optimistic, and grateful.  I felt surrounded by warmth, light, and abundance.  Today is different though, and I can't exactly say why.  I just feel so sad today. 

Let me start with an update.  My sister had her baby last Thursday, and I had been staying with her while I waited for the DV shelter.  I was getting ready to head up to my grandparents' on Sunday when the shelter called and said I could move in.  I moved in Sunday night, then on Monday I came to the library to look for jobs.  I had an email from another temp agency offering me an assignment starting that same day for $12 an hour taking claims calls from Hurricane (downgraded to a super storm) Sandy.  So, since Monday I've been working 12-8:45.  They just extended the assignment to Monday, which means that I'll get paid time and a half on Saturday and Sunday.  I'm concerned, though, because I don't know how to plan for housing.  I only have a limited time at the shelter -- what if I arrange housing based on the income I have now, only to go months without an assignment after this one ends?  I'm happy for the extra money, but I'm at a loss as far as which direction to go with housing.

Saturday, I started talking to someone I met online.  To be exact, I'm talking to two people.  The girl I'm talking to has a boyfriend though and I'm not about to go down THAT road again.  I don't want to date someone with a wife, a husband, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend!!!  Damn it, it's time I had someone all to myself.  I want to feel like being with JUST ME is good enough, for ONCE in my life!!!!  I used to think that wasn't possible, that none of humanity was monogamous by nature.  Of course, I felt this way because I myself could never (or would never) commit to only one person at a time.  But after dating N, I have realized that if you love someone enough, they really ARE all you need.  He was that person for me.  The universe is cruel sometimes, though, and I was NOT that person for him.  It taught me, though, that if someone loves me enough, he or she will be able to be faithful.  I know this because I loved him enough to be faithful.

The guy I'm talking to is really sweet.  He's amazing, actually -- he's 33 and he works with disadvantaged children who live in group homes.  He loves to dance, he plays guitar, he's in a couple bands, and he loves to watch documentaries and horror movies!  Conversation flows well between us, and he's okay with the fact that I'm pregnant.  Actually, he's adopted.  I think it's weird how the universe is sending these people into my life.  He was born in Colombia but he was adopted when he was 5 months old.  I also met this girl who is due in March and is also planning on choosing adoption.  Remember those road signs I was talking about in a previous entry?  I'm totally seeing them right now.  I even picked the perfect couple, Cesar and Kim.  I knew they were perfect as soon as I read their profile.  They will raise the baby to be bilingual and he's very into his Mexican heritage.  They are both good, kind, caring people who want to raise a compassionate, well-educated baby.  Plus, she would totally belong in that family, as Cesar is Mexican and Kim is white.  No one would realize upon first glance that she wasn't their own.

I really feel as if I'm over N.  Well, today is different.  I had no emotion toward him until today.  Today, I'm still "over" him, and I don't want him back, but I'm finally grieving the hope for what we could never have.  This is a good sign, usually I don't go through this phase.  I thought something was wrong with me -- I could be madly in love with someone, date them for a year or more, then just suddenly stop caring at all.  I go cold.  Most people harbor some type of lingering affection for their exes, right?  I don't.  I feel nothing.  I will open my heart completely and let someone inside, but when they have hurt me enough, they just get kicked out and I can never love them again.  Is this a defense mechanism?  Does this mean I never actually loved them at all?  I'm not sure what this says about me.  Of course, I can't voluntarily "flip the switch" -- I tried, with N.  It just happens on its own, and when it does, it's final.  That did finally happen, but for some reason all I wanted last night was to give him a big hug.  I had this dream that I was trying to find him just so I could hug him.  Isn't that weird?  When I woke up, the feeling remained.  I don't want to be mean to him anymore.  I don't want to hurt him just because he hurt me.  I still have some type of affection for him, but it's different now.  I know we can't be together, but I still care about how he's doing as a person.  I would still do anything for him if he needed it.  Maybe I'm evolving or something.

The Death card doesn't actually mean death.  It does, but not in the way many people might assume if they draw this card.  It's actually pretty positive -- it's the ending of something so that something new can begin.  Evolution.  Transformation.  Metamorphosis.  The caterpillar dies, yes -- but the butterfly is born.  This can be a painful transition, but necessary to one's personal evolution.  In my deck, it is actually called Transformation instead of Death.

23 Weeks

I'm not feeling very articulate today, but I'm going to blog anyway.  I'm 23 weeks along as of today; my baby is as long as an ear of corn and weighs about a pound.  Nothing new is really going on with me at this stage of the pregnancy.

The shelter called me today and I move in at 6 tomorrow!  I was just getting ready to go stay with my grandparents until December, too.  They live about an hour north.  This is good timing because my sister is bringing her baby home today -- he was born on Thursday (2 weeks early) and weighs just 5 pounds 11 ounces.  He's tiny but precious -- and he has a lot of hair!  Last night, my sister in law came over to my sister's house and we made some food to freeze so the new parents don't have to worry about cooking for a few days.  I also told my sister if she ever wants me to come over and clean or cook or help out in any way, I'd be glad to.  I'm very thankful that she let me stay there for the last week.  Besides, I know what it's like to be a new mom and I know she'll probably be exhausted and overwhelmed.

The adoption agency also called me back.  They got my forms and just wanted to let me know that someone will be contacting me in a few days.  Although N said that I have his support no matter what I decide to do, he has been acting like this just isn't happening.  Maybe denial is his way to cope, but I think in the end it will hurt more.  I keep trying to think of this baby as belonging to someone else.  If I keep thinking of her as MY baby, then suddenly have to abruptly transition to NOT my baby, that will be pretty traumatic for me.  If I start getting used to the idea now, the blow may not be as harsh when the time comes for her to go with her family.

I have been attacked for my decision, which I expected.  This isn't about anyone else right now, not even me.  This is about my baby and I don't really care if no one else understands -- I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing.  I was reading some statistics on private adoption and was amazed at how wrong some of the ignorant assumptions are that people make.  For example, nearly 3 out of every 4 adopted children ages 0-5 are read to or sang to every day, compared with only half of non-adopted children who receive the same attention from their biological parents.  Furthermore, well over half of all adopted children eat dinner with their families at least six days per week.  "The adoption statistic shows that over 90 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older have positive feelings about their adoption. Most adopted children are raised in happy homes by loving adoptive parents, so why would an adopted child hate his birth parents, the ones who provided him with a great life and his mom and dad?"  (http://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/adoption_stats)

Monday, I am going to my friend's womb wellness sister circle.  They get together on the new and full moons to celebrate sacred femininity and be a source of support for one another.  I joined the circle and attended the first meeting, but since then I've been...away.  I'm ready to be back and I really need this.  I need to get back in touch with my feminine power, and besides, I could really use the companionship of strong, like-minded women.  I'm excited.

Well, that's all I have to say for now because I have to go get my daugher.  Ciao!

Five of Pentacles

 

I was going to title this "3 of Swords", but I thought about it and decided that the 5 of Pentacles is a better card to describe what I'm feeling right now.  After it occurred to me, I went to a site to get some third party information to share with you about why I feel so "Five of Pentacles-sy" today.  Here it is:  "General: In general, the 5 of Pentacles points to a feeling of being left out in the cold, as though everyone else in the world has everything and you are the only one that is suffering. Realize that this is not the case. Do the best you can, with what you have, but remember that the wise thing to do, if one needs help, is to go out and ask for it. The help you need will come."

I wouldn't exactly say that everything is going wrong, but I'm in a period of transition.  To quote Tori Amos, "Change waltzes in with her sister Pain".  These are wise words indeed, and I couldn't agree more.  I just feel so left out in the cold right now.  I'll start from the beginning and explain.

At about 3:45 this morning, I heard my sister and her husband talking.  Startled, I checked my phone to see what time it was.  I was sure that I had slept in.  When I realized what time it was, I listened to their conversation to hear what was going on.  I heard her husband ask, "Are you sure you didn't pee yourself?"  I assumed that her water must have broken, even though her due date is two weeks away.  I was right.  Of course I was very excited for them and I thought about her all day.  I know that I haven't been very involved with the goings-on of my family lately, but she took me in and helped me when she didn't have to.  I may not have been around much, but I've been under the same roof as she for the last few days.  I was sure that I'd get an update about the progress of things, sure that they would realize that I would want to know.

I'm going to stop myself here because it sounds like I think the world revolves around me or that all I care about is myself.  This isn't true, and I would never tell her or anyone else in my family how I feel.  Because it ISN'T about me, it's her time, the baby's time, and some things are better left unsaid.  However, this is my blog where I come to express things that I keep inside.  So, here we are.  My phone died at work.  We were asked to work until 7, but I was sure that if the baby hadn't been born yet, it would be soon.  I was sure that the family would be up there and would want me there.  I got my check and cashed it, then rushed straight back to her house so that I could charge my phone.  There were no messages, no phone calls. 

Well, there WAS one text -- from my sister in law, saying she had "plans with friends" tonight and asking if she could just give me my card on the weekend instead of tonight as we had planned on.  I told her that would be fine and asked if my sister had had the baby yet.  I got no answer, so I texted my mom.  Nothing.  I texted my sister but wasn't surprised when she didn't answer.  Frustrated, I texted my sister in law again and asked her to at least have my son call me before bed.  (She never did.)  I started to get the idea that everyone but me was "in the loop", that everyone else was welcome to come share in my sister's joy and that I was somehow unwanted.  I shook it off.  My sister was busy, of course she didn't have time to update me. 

Feeling a bit rejected, I texted N.  Yes, I know it was a bad idea.  I just needed someone to talk to and he DID say he would always be there for me.  Yeah, right.  He didn't text back, so I called.  It went right to voicemail.  I assumed that he was still at work so I gave up.  At a loss, I decided to go buy my sister a gift while I waited for the go-ahead to come see them at the hospital.  I drove all the way to the boutique, only to find it closed.  I decided to kill some time at my friend Fabio's house.  While I was there, I tried again to contact N.  Still nothing.  Finally, at about 7, I got a text from my mom saying that she was leaving the hospital and the baby had been born at 4.  I texted my sister asking if I could come visit and she said to come at 8:30.  I left Fabio's at 7:30, got to the hospital by 8, and was almost to her room when she texted me asking if I could come tomorrow instead as she and the baby were tired.

I get it, I really do.  I know that everyone isn't out to get me and that everyone has many more important things to worry about than how I feel.  I'm sure none of this is intentional.  I had seen my brother leaving the hospital just as I was entering, so it was all starting to get to me.  Dejected, I started heading home.  I had already told N that I wasn't going to contact him anymore and I get it.  Tonight, it was just me, myself, and I.  Oh, and my baby, who I can't even keep.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  I felt like I was going to melt like a sugar cube in the rain.  I choked back tears as I drove home and finally, after 8, got a text from N that he had been working.  It's a lie and I know it, but who am I to demand honesty anymore?  What business is it of mine what he was doing?  Why waste the time and energy to call him out?  What it comes down to is that I wasn't important enough to respond to.  Something else mattered more, and that was okay.  I don't need to matter to anyone right now.

22 Weeks

Break on through to the other side!  I feel like, to steal a simile from Stephen King, I've been trying to fight my way out of a nylon stocking.  I couldn't get out of the negativity and break free of the downward spiral I seemed to be attached to.  The past week has been very hard, but I can already feel big changes germinating beneath the surface and I'm excited.

I'm not just excited, though.  I'm terrified, anxious, lost, sad, mournful, and uncertain.  What else am I going to do, though?  I have to keep moving forward and hope for the best.  There is no more turning back for me.  Maybe I should explain what has happened.

I had worked at the warehouse for three days, and I came home Thursday with incredible body aches.  At first I assumed it had just been my body becoming accustomed to manual labor, but I soon realized that it was more serious than that.  My back was absolutely killing me.  Having experienced kidney infections during my pregnancy with my son, I already had an idea that I had one.  N and I went to the pharmacy to get some Tylenol, where I could barely stand up and even began to cry from the severity of the pain.  He seemed mildly sympathetic, but shrugged it off as being sore from work.  Later that night, I was feverish and pain-stricken.  I couldn't sleep and he tried to insist that I have sex with him anyway!  I couldn't believe it.  Of course, I refused.  He tried to force me to and I became incredibly angry.  I fought back with everything I had, despite my overwhelming pain.  Then he choked me.  Yes, he's choked me before.  This time, though, it was different.  I tried to gasp and discovered that my airway was COMPLETELY blocked.  I couldn't even get a wheeze.  Of course, I began to panic.  I thought he might actually kill me this time.  I felt so terrified and out of control.  He let go, and I told myself I was going to file a police report and leave on Friday.

Friday came and he went to work, but I found that driving was going to be out of the question for me.  I simply laid in misery, waiting for him to get out and take me to the ER.  My sister ended up taking me and I told her what happened, so at the hospital I arranged to be a "confidential patient" and asked to talk to a social worker.

I made an appointment at the YWCA for Monday, and I didn't end up getting released until Sunday night.  So I spent the night at my sister's when I got out, went to my appointment, and got put on the waiting list for the shelter.  No one will tell me or even give me an estimate for how long it will be, but it doesn't matter.  My sister and her husband took me to get my car last night.  I found an adoption agency that will work with me in spite of the fact that N has said he will not consent to the adoption.  My mom gave me the number of someone who takes in pregnant women awaiting adoption.  My life seems fairly chaotic right now, but I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted from above me.  I can BREATHE.  I can think clearly.  I can be myself.  I feel like I just emerged from a restricting cocoon and now I am spreading my radiant wings, preparing to take flight.

Of course, I'm having such a hard time coping with the reality that I am not going to raise my daughter.  I saw a little girl in the parking lot taking unsteady steps while holding her mother's hand, and I cried.  I'm not going to teach my little girl how to walk.  I'm not going to snuggle her at night, nurse her, and inhale the baby shampoo scent of her soft baby hair when I kiss her head.  I felt as if my soul would shatter -- but then I thought, someone WILL do those things for her.  Perhaps better than I could.  Just because I can't snuggle her doesn't mean she won't get snuggled.  Just because I won't be teaching her to walk doesn't mean she won't be taught.  Just because the person raising my daughter in my stead won't have given birth to her doesn't mean she won't love her.

My sister in law, after having heard about the expenses covered for the birth mother by some adoption agencies, made a ridiculous comment about how maybe she should start having kids and putting them up for adoption so she could get this money or housing or whatever.  I know she didn't mean any harm by it; she just doesn't know.  But really?  Do you honestly think you could house a baby in your womb for nine months and give away a piece of you without any qualms just because you got some housing assistance or living expenses paid?  Do you really believe that any amount of money could erase the ache of having to part with a child you created?  Is she really that insensitive or oblivious to the emotional trauma this is?  This is my CHILD!  God forbid she actually has such cold detachment to her own children that the decision would be so simple.

Of course I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss N, but not in a way that makes me think that going back would solve anything.  I just mourn the person who never was.  I think of the things he did when he was pretending to be this loving person, and it breaks my heart.  Not because I want him, but because he wasn't real and I fell for it.  Because I did love him and it's painful to realize that he only faked mutual emotion toward me.  Because I let myself be vulnerable and once again paid the price.  Because I wonder if there's really anybody in the whole world who will ever truly feel the way he pretended to.  Because I doubt real love even exists anymore.  I think one person in a relationship loves, and the other just fakes it.  One person gives everything and it's never enough for the other.  One person gives her heart and the heart of the other can never be captured, at least not by her, but she continues her pathetic vain attempts.  Love isn't the miracle we've been led to believe it is.

21 Weeks

First and foremost, here is the news I waited 20 weeks for -- it's a girl!  N's sister went with me to the ultrasound and she got some really good pictures.  She also made a video, you can see the baby stretching and it's quite adorable.

Since that day, things have become much harder for me mentally.  I have continued to talk to adoption counselors and agencies, but I feel really torn.  Inside, I'm like an emotional teeter totter.  One moment, I'll have an overwhelming sense that my baby belongs with me and I'll be unable to fathom handing that precious bundle over to anyone.  The next moment, I'll be thinking about all the preparation that still needs to be done in the next four months and be confident that adoption is the best choice for this child.  I was reading a book about adoption and cried through the whole thing, resolute that I absolutely could not do it.  Not two nights later, N's four year old daughter woke up in the middle of the night and I was just as convinced that I absolutely could not be waking up to a crying baby multiple times every night.  I keep feeling like with time, the right choice will become clear -- but what if it doesn't?  What if I make the wrong decision?  What if, at 40 weeks pregnant, I'm no closer to being at peace with a final decision?

I went to my son's conferences last night and I can't believe what a vast improvement he has made since last year.  It hurts a lot, because I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but now that he's staying with his aunt and uncle, his behavioral issues have all but disappeared.  Obviously, as painful as it is to recognize, I WAS doing something wrong.  I'm simultaneously so happy that he seems to have been saved from a bleak future and panicked that I will not meet the standard that my brother and his wife are currently setting.  What if he comes back to me and backslides?  What if, despite my best efforts, I am unable to parent the way that they are?  What if they try to take custody?  Right now, they hold all the cards.

I don't know if they really don't know it or if they're pretending not to recognize the position of advantage they have, but it exists.  What really worries me is that due to my brother's job in law enforcement, the latter is the more likely scenario.  What does this mean?  Are they playing dumb to placate me so I'll be blindsided when I find out about a court date?  Even though I am already pretty much expecting them to try to take him (despite their constant claims to the contrary), what benefit is this advance knowledge to me?  He goes to school in their district.  They provide his clothing, his shelter, his toys.  They take him places, including to the doctor and to school.  School records show that since he has lived with them, he has improved.  I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell against them.  All I can do is keep fighting through the school year to make sure I have a leg to stand on when it's over.  This means taking parenting classes, finding a stable living environment, going to counseling, and getting out of this relationship.  They could argue that I can no longer provide a safe place for him now because of what transpired between N and I in his presence, and how could I argue with that?

Speaking of N, he's in a "sweet phase".  You know -- he's turned (temporarily) back into the man I fell in love with.  I know how this works and I don't expect it to last long.  Do I sound bitter, pessimistic, and cynical?  Of course I am.  You would be too, if you lived the life I've lived.  I wonder if one option would be to attend counseling together.  He has said he's willing.  Would that be sufficient to break the cycle?  Would it be enough to appease the court?  Would he then become capable of maintaining a healthy relationship and respecting my boundaries?  No one can say whether or not he will genuinely change, and that's the tough part.  Sometimes they do; more often they don't.  How much of a risk am I willing to take to be with him?  Am I just trying to rationalize staying because it's more comfortable?  Am I looking for a way to avoid what I fear I can not do?  I am at a standstill.

As far as my life goes, I got placed on my new assignment on Tuesday.  It's supposed to go for two weeks and it's 40 hours each week.  I can't complain, it's fairly easy.  All the standing, bending, and lifting is really killing my feet and my back though!  I expect that the pain will abate once I get accustomed to the job.  All I do is put together cardboard boxes all day until my fingers don't want to bend anymore.  Last night, I even dreamed of putting boxes together!  I tried to make the dream stop because I wanted a break from work while I slept, but my mind kept returning to it.  In pregnancy news, my belly suddenly "popped" and I no longer look like I've just been eating too many snack cakes or downing too many beers.  I definitely look pregnant.  I'm in that awkward phase where my regular pants no longer fit me, but maternity pants keep falling down.  I have gained 14 pounds so far, which is more than what I want at this point but the weight gain calculator online said I'm right on track.  Still, I think it would be wise for me to take it easy on the sweet breads and cookies.  Ahhhh, sugar!  Always my downfall!  This baby will surely be born with a sweet tooth.  

20 Weeks

Ohhhhh my, where do I begin?  I suppose it would help if I remembered where I left off.  At any rate, I'll fill you in on the most recent developments.

I quit the market research company because I got a call from the temp agency offering me a job that paid $10 an hour and got 40+ hours a week.  It was really what I've been looking for this whole time -- a single mother paying child support can't survive on a minimum wage or part-time paycheck.  I know because I've been trying since April.  The problem with the market research company was that the hours were not guaranteed -- I'd be scheduled for 35 hours in a week, but if I didn't have a completed survey by 8:00, I would often get sent home.  Sometimes everyone would get sent home early due to low production.  I also heard that there were periods of time for up to a couple weeks that there would be no work.

So, I went to the factory job I was assigned to with a winning attitude, ready to work.  I was scheduled to work from noon until 8, but things were very busy and I was given the option to work until 10:30 which I accepted.  It wasn't hard at all, but it did involve a considerable amount of bending and lifting.  Another girl I was working with was talking about her pregnancy, and I told her that I was also pregnant.  She is 23 weeks along.  A few hours later, my supervisor approached me and informed me that there had been a "miscommunication" and they couldn't take me because it would take 2 months to train me, shortly after which time I'd have to be on maternity leave.  He told me I was welcome to come back after I had the baby. 

This happened on Monday.  I called the temp agency and was told that I would be given a new assignment, but on Tuesday they requested that my doctor fax a note stating that I could work with no accommodations.  I found out yesterday that my fax was received and today they called to offer me another factory position, 7 am to 3 pm, starting on Tuesday.  This one is only $9 an hour, but it's still more than I was making.  Why do things have to be so damn HARD sometimes?  Why wasn't the other girl fired?  It was suggested that race was an issue, as she is black and I'm white.  Someone suggested that I get a public defender and sue for harassment, but why?  It's a temp job, and right in the paperwork it's stated that you can be fired for any reason or no reason at all.  Besides, I don't have the time or money to sue anyone.  I completely dropped the ball on my disability case, but I've had more important things to worry about.

Let's see, in pregnancy news...I have been getting a lot of foot and leg cramps, which I had with my daughter but not my son.  Of course I'm still hungry all the time, which also happened with my daughter.  I am at the point where I get up at least twice in the middle of the night to pee, which is annoying to say the least.  And they want me to drink more water?  Any more peeing, and I might as well just camp out in the bathroom.  Some people claim that pregnancy gives a woman a heightened intuition or sixth sense.  Mine has always been eerily strong, but I do feel more connected to the universe.  I am more in tune and I have been having very vivid dreams.

In relationship news...*sigh*.  I have been diligently plodding along, exhausting every option available to me which may be able to help me get out.  Homeless Assessment Program (HAP) said they'd try to place me in a shelter, but every morning that I call the girl in charge of that, she calls me back advising me that the shelter is full.  YWCA is full.  Safe Haven informed me that they have a waiting list, and when I DO make it off the waiting list, I can only stay for a week or two.  That isn't long enough for me to save up the money I need to move.  They referred me back to HAP.  :)  My social worker suggested I apply for SER through DHS (State Emergency Relief, Department of Human Services) so I called my caseworker to inquire about that and have not heard back.  Apparently, they can assist you with the first month's rent and deposit if you find affordable housing.  I also contacted a shelter in Allegan via email, but I have not heard back.  Allegan is a long drive from here, though.  I don't really know what else to do now. 

Despite the pregnancy, this hopeless feeling of being trapped is wearing me thin.  I have felt suicidal at times, at other times just hopeless and numb.  I don't feel like doing anything, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I want to give up, but I know I can't.  The thing is, if I stay, how can I have my kids?  I am trying to put them first, but it's too cold to live in my car and I have nowhere else to go. 

Speaking of children, I've been thinking a lot about this adoption thing.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm going to be totally honest -- I don't want to give my baby up.  I ask myself, though, if I can give this baby the life it deserves and I can't say that I feel confident about that.  My other two really need me, and if I've screwed things up so badly with them, what makes me think that I can do better with this one?  Part of me almost feels like keeping the baby as a way to redeem myself for my mistakes with the other two.  Kind of like getting a "re-do" -- to try again and do it right this time.  I feel like that is where N's head is at, too -- his three year old son lives in another state and is not part of his life.  I think he believes that having another child, particularly a boy, will replace him and fill the void.  I know it won't.  By the same token, raising another child won't magically heal the hurt that the other two have suffered.  It won't fix the mistakes I've already made, and I feel like if I'm going to have a positive impact on the lives of my children, I need to devote myself wholly to them.  Having another baby right now might make things worse for them.

I want to know, though -- how do you just hand over your own flesh and blood?  How do you give away your own child without letting it destroy you?  How do you heal from walking away from the one who was made to depend on you for survival?  It feels like betrayal, like abandonment.  It feels cruel and heartless.  I know that I am not those things, and I already suffer a tremendous amount with temporarily letting my son stay with my brother and his wife.  My heart hurts so incredibly bad, and I cry all the time.  I miss him so much.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter as well -- but I don't feel like being away from me really hurts her.  She is very independent, very attached to her daddy, and not at all sad when she is away from me.  She says she loves me and I believe, in her detached autistic way, that she does as much as she is capable.  However, she could go the rest of her life without seeing me and I believe the only one who would hurt would be me.  Sometimes I wish I could be like her.