So much has changed. I should have blogged yesterday because I was in a great mood -- I felt happy, optimistic, and grateful. I felt surrounded by warmth, light, and abundance. Today is different though, and I can't exactly say why. I just feel so sad today.
Let me start with an update. My sister had her baby last Thursday, and I had been staying with her while I waited for the DV shelter. I was getting ready to head up to my grandparents' on Sunday when the shelter called and said I could move in. I moved in Sunday night, then on Monday I came to the library to look for jobs. I had an email from another temp agency offering me an assignment starting that same day for $12 an hour taking claims calls from Hurricane (downgraded to a super storm) Sandy. So, since Monday I've been working 12-8:45. They just extended the assignment to Monday, which means that I'll get paid time and a half on Saturday and Sunday. I'm concerned, though, because I don't know how to plan for housing. I only have a limited time at the shelter -- what if I arrange housing based on the income I have now, only to go months without an assignment after this one ends? I'm happy for the extra money, but I'm at a loss as far as which direction to go with housing.
Saturday, I started talking to someone I met online. To be exact, I'm talking to two people. The girl I'm talking to has a boyfriend though and I'm not about to go down THAT road again. I don't want to date someone with a wife, a husband, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend!!! Damn it, it's time I had someone all to myself. I want to feel like being with JUST ME is good enough, for ONCE in my life!!!! I used to think that wasn't possible, that none of humanity was monogamous by nature. Of course, I felt this way because I myself could never (or would never) commit to only one person at a time. But after dating N, I have realized that if you love someone enough, they really ARE all you need. He was that person for me. The universe is cruel sometimes, though, and I was NOT that person for him. It taught me, though, that if someone loves me enough, he or she will be able to be faithful. I know this because I loved him enough to be faithful.
The guy I'm talking to is really sweet. He's amazing, actually -- he's 33 and he works with disadvantaged children who live in group homes. He loves to dance, he plays guitar, he's in a couple bands, and he loves to watch documentaries and horror movies! Conversation flows well between us, and he's okay with the fact that I'm pregnant. Actually, he's adopted. I think it's weird how the universe is sending these people into my life. He was born in Colombia but he was adopted when he was 5 months old. I also met this girl who is due in March and is also planning on choosing adoption. Remember those road signs I was talking about in a previous entry? I'm totally seeing them right now. I even picked the perfect couple, Cesar and Kim. I knew they were perfect as soon as I read their profile. They will raise the baby to be bilingual and he's very into his Mexican heritage. They are both good, kind, caring people who want to raise a compassionate, well-educated baby. Plus, she would totally belong in that family, as Cesar is Mexican and Kim is white. No one would realize upon first glance that she wasn't their own.
I really feel as if I'm over N. Well, today is different. I had no emotion toward him until today. Today, I'm still "over" him, and I don't want him back, but I'm finally grieving the hope for what we could never have. This is a good sign, usually I don't go through this phase. I thought something was wrong with me -- I could be madly in love with someone, date them for a year or more, then just suddenly stop caring at all. I go cold. Most people harbor some type of lingering affection for their exes, right? I don't. I feel nothing. I will open my heart completely and let someone inside, but when they have hurt me enough, they just get kicked out and I can never love them again. Is this a defense mechanism? Does this mean I never actually loved them at all? I'm not sure what this says about me. Of course, I can't voluntarily "flip the switch" -- I tried, with N. It just happens on its own, and when it does, it's final. That did finally happen, but for some reason all I wanted last night was to give him a big hug. I had this dream that I was trying to find him just so I could hug him. Isn't that weird? When I woke up, the feeling remained. I don't want to be mean to him anymore. I don't want to hurt him just because he hurt me. I still have some type of affection for him, but it's different now. I know we can't be together, but I still care about how he's doing as a person. I would still do anything for him if he needed it. Maybe I'm evolving or something.
The Death card doesn't actually mean death. It does, but not in the way many people might assume if they draw this card. It's actually pretty positive -- it's the ending of something so that something new can begin. Evolution. Transformation. Metamorphosis. The caterpillar dies, yes -- but the butterfly is born. This can be a painful transition, but necessary to one's personal evolution. In my deck, it is actually called Transformation instead of Death.
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