It has been a while...as a matter of fact, the last time I posted, we were approaching a full moon. Now, we are approaching a new moon. Saturday's new moon is going to be epic! The sun is also moving into Sagittarius. I love how the older I get, the more I notice subtle patterns. Getting older is amazing! You get to keep building on the knowledge you have, enriching your understanding through successive experiences, deepening your wisdom.
It's like each year, you go around this wheel. Maybe like a trip through 12 different states, ending where you began. The first time, maybe you notice the differences in climate. The next time you make the trip, you start to notice the different landscapes -- how some states have more trees, others have mountains, the different types of flowers growing beside the road. After you've made this same trip a few times, you start to pick up on the finer details that escaped your notice the first few dozen times because your attention was captured by the obvious things.
Anyway, I think life is like that. Each year, we go through each sign of the zodiac, starting and ending at Aries. Now that I'm 32, I am just finally starting to connect the dots and notice what is distinct to each phase. I am also starting to sense the finer differences, and pick up on the little details. I understand that being born during a certain sign, one carries the characteristics of that time throughout his or her life. Those qualities are imprinted on her personality. However, we all get to experience each sign to a certain degree as we make our annual journey. Each sign has its strengths and weaknesses, and if we learn to capitalize on the strengths in each sign as we are going through them -- to work WITH what the current energies are contributing -- we can maximize our potential.
For example, if I am wanting to learn to snowboard, I probably would be better off waiting until we get to Colorado instead of attempting to do it in California. Sure, it will be POSSIBLE in California, but so much harder -- there will be less resources, opportunity, and convenience. So, while I'm in California, why not learn how to surf? So, in short -- what ARE the energies of the current sun sign, and how can I use them to my advantage, to grow and evolve as a person?
See, this is what happens when I decide on my topic at the beginning of the entry. I end up going in a completely different direction, and then my title and picture don't make sense. Well anyway a lot has happened and I have a lot to say. I may need to write multiple entries.
On a mundane note, HOLY SNOW. We got slammed with ridiculous amounts of snow. I was trying to drive home last night, gripping the steering wheel, trying to relax. I knew everything would be okay, and I know I'll get through this winter. I just wasn't ready for this yet. I did a phone interview with Farmers, which is very close to where I live. I sincerely hope I get it, because the drive is so much shorter. The highway gets insane in the winter, and it doesn't help that every time a semi truck passes by, I get dusted with all the snow and can't see jack. But it builds character! Right!!!
I am entering into psychic disturbance time. Like, in a good way. I always forget about how the coma sleep mystical vision psychic amplification thing DOES happen, even when I'm not on meds. It's not mania, it's not depression. It would seem like depression, because I am more sleepy. But it isn't a lethargy or listlessness. It is a sudden, irresistible blast of YOU MUST SLEEP NOW. A hypnotic spell that comes over me and steals me away to the astral plane. I am powerless to fight it. So, I am swiftly taken under, instantly dream -- vividly -- and just as quickly snap back out of it. It isn't sleep as I know it. It is a mystical experience. So in that way, you would think it's mania -- because I hear the voices and have the vivid dreams more often when I'm manic. Yet, mania doesn't come with irresistible urges to instantly lose consciousness either.
Is it even PART of my psychological illness? Is ANYTHING? Is it possible that I am MEANT to be this way, and maybe that anyone with a mental disease is meant to have it, but whether it manifests as positive or negative completely depends on the way we utilize the energy we've been given? Food for thought. I am the same person I was when I was "crazy", yet I'm not crazy anymore. I have the same interplay of the same energies happening as I did when I was 22 and on a scary path to self-annihilation. Difference? The way I use them.
These are powerful energies I'm working with. I can either spectacularly fail, or spectacularly soar. It's like I'm driving a super fast car -- if I know how to drive it, this could be exhilarating. If I am careless about it, it could be catastrophic. It's the same car. The car isn't "bad" because it's fast and I could use it to destroy myself. It isn't "good" because it can get me someplace in half the time and I can use it to give my friends rides to work. It's just a car. Woah. I love espresso.
I know that seemed random, but when I woke up and saw all the snow, I decided I was going to need extra caffeine to keep me afloat. So I made a pot of coffee AND espresso and had a cup of coffee with like 4 shots. Haha now you understand this rambling path we are on today.
So anyway, I had visions this morning. (Before the espresso!) Vivid, realistic, NOT dream. My palms were BURNING. I heard people talking in my head. I hate to say that because I know how crazy it sounds, but it isn't like that. It's like I'm extra tuned in to this other dimension and I can hear things that are always there but I can't usually perceive. My sensitivity is just super heightened today. I remember this all happened right after my reiki attunements. Also, over the past few days, I have had to pee a lot -- which also happened right after my attunements. I am not a person who pees very much, so I notice when I do. It went on for a couple days earlier in the week. There are definitely some big things happening. I am going to have to write another entry though, for sure, because I haven't even touched on THAT. So, I'm going to change this topic and picture.
That picture doesn't actually have anything to do with my topic, but I thought it was beautiful. I also think it would make a bad-ass tattoo! In fact, it is decided. I'm putting it on my body. :)
Soooooooooo, this weekend was pretty much awesome, despite the fact that there was "trouble in paradise" and also that I got a flat tire and am currently driving on a donut tire. I feel like I've finally been able to chip away at some of these walls I've built. I'm disabling these programs I've been running ever since forever -- and after all, when have they ever worked for me? How appropriate it is that we are approaching a full moon -- the time for releasing that which no longer serves you.
You don't know what happened and it's going to be confusing if I just jump around from topic to topic, so I'll try to write like normal people do in order from beginning to end. First, Friday night. Joth came and we went to Brian and Danielle's Halloween party. He dressed as a "vampirate", and he looked sooooooo good. I dressed as a belly dancer. I was so happy. I felt like WE were so happy. Nothing at all went wrong all night -- we had some very strong rum, we laughed, we kissed, we talked, we danced. Everything up until the time we fell asleep was perfect, just as if it had been taken out of a book. I thought, finally. Life is so good.
Sometimes, excessive drinking can trigger depression. I don't get full-blown depression anymore, thank goddess, but I do hit lows. I hadn't done yoga in a week, either, and I usually rely on that to help keep me balanced. I realize, though, that I'm blaming everything else and I need to act like a grown-up and just admit that I acted like a fucking child.
Here's the thing, though -- read back through this blog. Notice all the entries in which I blamed myself for everything that was going wrong in past relationships. See how I accepted responsibility for all of the issues that, in retrospect, had nothing to do with me. Read how many excuses I made for my partner, how many times I minimized what he did. Of course, blame is a strange concept anyway, something I feel differently about than I once did. I believe in causality, and that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, and that things are rarely ever so black-and-white as to be able to clearly label one party "guilty" and one party "innocent".
Anyway, so I freaked out on Saturday. In a lot of weird ways, I'm not a jealous person. I have shared partners before and never felt the slightest twinge. I have spent the past year fortifying my self-worth and vanquishing my insecurity. I really felt that I was ready for the next level in relationships, to move on past the ego-based power plays into the balanced land of harmonious conscious partnership.
I mean, that's what I wanted. That's what I intended. That's what I manifested. But, you can't run the same old programs on the new and improved computer. It just doesn't work. It's like I'm trying to run this Dr. Mario cartridge on a brand new PS4. (I think that's the newest video game system, no?)
It's great that I got this new, state of the art model with amazing graphics and unbelievable memory. It's everything I wanted. It fulfills every video-gaming need I could have. Why would I NOT realize that the programs need to be updated in order to be compatible with it? Of COURSE they do. I can't take the same approach to this relationship as I have with my previous relationships and expect success. Why would I want that, anyway? So, I learned a little lesson on ownership vs. partnership.
At first, I bristled at the reference. How DARE you suggest that I could be possessive? That's not my role! It was such an insult to feel like I was being compared to THEM -- those who had tried to own and possess me before. How did I get lumped in with my perpetrators??? I'm like YOU, not like THEM! I have been controlled, not controlling. Possessed, not possessive. I became so angry and frustrated because I felt misunderstood. I felt like I appeared to him as they had appeared to me. It was never my intention! I just got insecure and freaked out.
When I tried to explain my point, about wanting to feel security, feeling threatened, fear of abandonment -- he explained that you can not lose something that does not belong to you. Wanting that guarantee of forever after is wanting to put your partner in a cage. It's loving a bird and admiring its beauty, but clipping its wings. I felt ashamed. That's not who I want to be -- I know how it feels. I don't want someone to be with me because they feel stuck, I've been there. I don't want to tie someone down.
But, I'm also very quick to run, BECAUSE of that. Because I would rather be alone than with someone who does not want to be with me. And the only way that I can be assured that someone DOES want to be with me is by using fucked up methods to elicit reassurance. Of course, these methods often push people away. Or, they include running away just to see if my partner chases me. If they do, I believe they want me. If they don't, I believe they never did. But, I did a tarot reading tonight with some pretty powerful imagery at the end. It spoke to the situation as clearly as could be.
The outcome was the Princess of Cups, facing to the left of the card holding her emotional cup. To the right of that card was the Prince of Staves, facing also to the left of the card -- as if she was in front, he was behind her, and they were both facing the same direction. As if he were chasing her. Especially as Staves are fire. Me, purposely walking away, putting him in a position where I need him to pursue me in order to convince me that he does want me.
But the advice card, to the right of THOSE (I'll have to take a picture) was the Two of Cups -- same girl, same boy, but now facing each other, holding the same cup TOGETHER. This is my advice. Stop trying to make him chase you. Be an equal partner. Turn around and hold this cup together and be a TEAM. The game I'm playing right now puts us on opposing sides, and that's not what emotionally healthy people do. It's time to stop.
Really quick, because I know I've been talking forever -- but good things! Sister circle book club, full moon gathering, AND bellydancing coming up. I am one happy lady. I am excited to DO some stuff!
I know I'm not going to be able to do this entry any justice because my energy is low and I'm not feeling as focused as I'd like to be. It's getting colder, and I think I am hitting a low. I'm not unhappy, though. Yesterday was rough, but we got through it. I've been analyzing myself all day, and as unfortunate as the misunderstanding was yesterday, it helped bring to light some things that needed my attention.
Remember how I said that before I jump into anything, I dissect and question it? As if that were a virtue? Looking back at my life, though, where has that ever benefited me? How has that ever worked out to my advantage? Sure, the things I DID attempt may have been successful after being relentlessly scrutinized by me -- but what about the risks I never took? I have only ever been unafraid to take risks that would hurt me.
Why is that? When I think about marketing reiki or tarot, writing a book, publishing poetry, or doing this hypnotherapy thing -- why THEN do I feel the need to make sure it's 100% safe, fail-proof, and reliable? Why in the past have I not applied this strategy to dating, for example? Why have I jumped into every potentially dangerous risky situation, but have suddenly found reserves of prudence and practicality when faced with a potentially successful situation?
What happened yesterday had nothing to do with Joth. I know I said that I felt like he was being insincere, because I really felt like to be so positive was unrealistic. But where has realistic ever gotten me? What have I ever accomplished from that mindset? And what's the worst that could happen if I just start doing what I might have done? Even if I fail, won't I be happy? Wouldn't I be happier failing at something I love than succeeding at something I hate? Fuck YES.
From now on, I LIVE. Ohhhhhh so I never talked about last weekend! Well, Fabio and I went to go see Joth do Rocky Horror. I was scared, sooooooo scared, and I hadn't hung out with Fabio in over a year (intentionally). His girlfriend just got a job at Charter and we started talking again. I had him come with me, as sort of a social buffer to alleviate my anxiety. The thing is, though, I knew that reconnecting with Fabio was a bad idea. I have been clean and sober 18 months. Whatever he does, I'm strong enough. He doesn't do what I used to do, so we're okay there. He can GET it, but I'm not tempted to ask. I'm good.
BUT. Today, RJ texted me from Fabio's phone. Oh my goddess, RJ. Don't even get me started, that's a whole other entry. Let's just say the last time I reconnected with RJ ended in me losing custody of my daughter. And, it was also in the fall...9 years ago. Nothing good could come of rekindling any kind of friendship between us. That's a road I left behind me.
And anyway, what the HELL is going on lately??? Ramiro's been asking for pictures, calling me sweetie, telling me he misses me. It means absolutely nothing. I feel absolutely nothing, because I'm so overwhelmed with the magnificence of the relationship I'm currently experiencing. Nothing else could touch this...it makes me laugh.
I promise I'm going to write more about twin flames. Really it's pretty mind-blowing. Not today, though. I couldn't do it justice.
Work is going pretty well, all of my numbers are great. I'm still hoping to hear back from Farmers, though. And also plan to invest myself in pursuing what really fulfills me. Big changes are coming! I'm going to put myself out there. Reiki, tarot, writing, and learning new things. Getting back to the Ayurveda thing I was studying. I need to make a list of goals, and steps to accomplishing them. Then I need to shut up with all my damn excuses and just START. I'm very excited for this. I've been waiting all my life to start my life :)
I definitely want to talk about the whole twin flame concept, especially as it relates to 11:11. For mood tracking purposes, though, I need to discuss my current state first.
I'm confused. I don't know what happened. Was I triggered? Is this a low? Is it an intuitive sensing of a disturbance? Something is wrong. Something is off. I can't put my finger on it, I don't know if it's outside of me or inside of me.
We'll backtrack to the weekend. I just spent three paragraphs describing my car troubles and I decided to condense it, or I'll never get to my original point. Long story short, I ran out of gas and my oil light started coming on which apparently could mean my engine is going to die, and on the way back from Lansing Fabio told me that my tire was making a sound which meant it was about to fall off. I ran over a couple of curbs over the past few weeks, and I noticed a wobble/shake, but I didn't realize it was that serious.
So of course, I'm stressed out over the car situation. I haven't planned adequately financially for this, and as much overtime as I've been working, I feel like I'm never getting caught up. It's giving me anxiety. I'm one catastrophe away from financial ruin. It's hanging over my head. Is that what has killed my idealism? I have BECOME that nagging voice in my head. Be reasonable, be logical. Be responsible. I don't have the luxury of gambling my stability away right now, I just don't.
Yes, I hate my job. But my entire life is like a stack of blocks, balanced precariously on my job, which in turn is perched upon my car. If the car goes, the whole thing topples. If the job goes, again, devastation. I can't afford that right now. I want to be moving toward greater financial independence, and hopes and dreams don't pay the bills. I really hate the way I sound right now. I really hate the part of me that feels this way, so hopeless, so resigned, so defeated. And here I start crying again and I think I've realized the source of my angst. I feel like I have no choice. I feel forced into this role which I despise. I feel like I can't afford to take risks, but maybe that's just a story I tell myself? What if I could? But what if I CAN'T? And what if I never try??????
This probably makes absolutely no sense. This is just me, working through my thoughts and feelings. Anyway, so I was texting with Joth earlier and I honestly don't know what happened. I have always felt like, no matter what I say, he GETS exactly what I'm saying. He picks up on the unspoken parts, he can finish my thought. It's so amazing and eerie. It doesn't matter which words I choose, even if I say the opposite of what I mean. He always gets what I mean. I feel like the words are just a formality with him, because it's like our brains are connected -- I say something, and the understanding is transmitted through some link to his brain. But today.
We were having a conversation, and I don't know what set me off. It was about hypnotherapy, which sounds so interesting, but the logical side of me wants the facts and research. Is it worth pursuing. Because if I go after something, I give it everything I have. So before I do that, I take a very analytical approach in order to determine whether my time will be well invested. I was asking questions, and at first it was a normal conversation. But to be honest, and I hesitate to say this because I know he reads my blog sometimes, but I have to. To be honest, his genuineness seemed to fade at some point. (I think "genuinity" sounds better, but apparently that is not a word. So, genuineness it is...mmm, reminds me of Guinness...)
All of a sudden, I didn't feel like he was responding as "himself". It's how he would feel if I started "customer service-ing" him -- "That must have been so frustrating for you. I apologize for your inconvenience. Thank you for your patience". It sounds insincere, right? Well, I felt like I was talking to a salesman all of a sudden. I was listening to some sales pitch, which was not what I wanted. It felt like he was insulting my intelligence. I was asking real questions, and he was giving me these fluff answers.
I started to get angry. I would re-state or re-ask, but more sales pitch. Not only that, but where before he has always understood exactly what I meant, he kept misunderstanding everything I said. I got so frustrated! I started to feel anger welling up inside me, and sadness. Like whatever link had connected us before was broken, the lines were down, out of service. That happens all the time with my mom, and with other people. I guess, though, I never expected it with him.
I'm not sure how it made me feel. I'm not even sure the cause of it -- was it what he said? Was it my inner fears? Without even knowing WHY I'm upset, what do I say? If I want to blame him, I can find ten reasons I could tell him why it's his fault. If I want to blame myself, I could come up with ten explanations as to why it's my fault. Maybe it's nobody's fault, and that's entirely possible -- but WHY do I feel this way? WHY am I upset? How can I NOT EVEN KNOW?????
Honestly, it's not a big deal. I love everything about him and this is just something I need to work through. Of COURSE, I never got to the whole twin flame/11:11 thing I really wanted to talk about. It's actually pretty cool. I used to be totally skeptical of the whole "twin flame" idea -- I thought it was just couples who were trying to one-up other couples on how in LOVE they were. "We're in love". "Oh yeah? Well WE'RE soulmates!" "Oh YEAH? Well WE'RE TWIN FLAMES!!!" It just honestly seemed like some ridiculous made up thing.
There are many things that I don't accept or agree with until I experience them for myself, and this is one of them. It is so eye-opening, to feel something on this level. It seems like it could only be a once in a UNIVERSE kind of thing, it seems so unlikely that the odds of it ever having happened before or ever happening again are dismal. But not so. I was Googling "11:11" because I've been seeing it ALLLLLLLL the time, like, RIDICULOUSLY a lot. And I was amazed to see what I saw about how seeing it relates to the whole twin flame thing. Then I read up more on the twin flame thing, and I though, woah. So this HAS happened before. This DOES happen to other people. This is just a world that was never accessible or imaginable to me before, so I wrote it off as wishful fancy from delusional minds. Not so. It is real. I'll write more about it next time. :)
I have been very good about yoga this week. Partly because if I don't do it, now there is someone who will KNOW, and I would rather just suck it up and get it done than admit that I was a failure in completing the task. It's not so much failure I dislike, the acknowledgement of OTHERS of my failure. But this, not wanting to disappoint is actually working in my favor. (Even though, honestly, who would really think less of me for skipping a day? Especially him. Come on now.)
But today is a new moon. Now, this is important for a couple of reasons, but in the interest of me trying to keep similar thoughts together, I will stick with the yoga part for now. Okay, so when I started practicing Ashtanga yoga, I was all excited about the rules. I wanted to follow them all, even though I didn't understand WHY. No inversions on your period. Yoga before dawn. In bed by ten. Take Saturdays and Moon Days (new and full moons) off. On the mat, six days a week.
I was pretty damn proud of myself for being so disciplined. For following all these rules. I was getting up at 5 am to do yoga. I was in bed by ten every night. I did not drink. I did not smoke. I thought that made me something. I thought it made me worthy. Of, what? I thought I earned something, by sacrificing. I thought I had redeemed myself from all of my other errors and all of my other flaws because this, at least THIS, I could do correctly. And consistently. No matter what else I fucked up. I might be a bad mom, a horrible employee, and a lazy housekeeper. But damn it, I could YOGA.
Except...why? One day, to my shock and horror, I realized that in yoga I had become exactly what I despised in religion. Who follows rules without question? Who obeys a command blindly, just because it's written in some book, without having any idea as to WHY? Who performs actions they were told to perform without being able to explain their purpose? Maybe they do have a purpose. And maybe that purpose makes a lot of sense. But if I don't understand WHY it's bad to do inversions on my period, if I'm just doing it because guru somebody said so, what the hell? BAAAAAA. I'm still a sheep -- just in yoga pants!!!!
If we just blindly accept rules and guidelines, following them without question or understanding, it all just becomes so much dogma. It's the same problem I ran away from. No pork on Fridays, no sex before marriage, no women voting in the church, no dancing, no saying, "Oh my God"...why, why, why? When questions begin getting answered with flimsy responses like, "That's just the way we've always done it" or, "That's just the way it is", you realize that even the person who TOLD you to do these things doesn't know why THEY are doing them either! Someone told them to, so they did. And they tell you do, so you do.
What are you going to say one day, when you tell your child to, and they ask you WHY? Can you be brave enough to say, you know what, I have no idea why we do things this way. Just like when Jewel asked why girls can't walk around in the summer with their shirts off. I was honest with her. I tell the kids all the time that sometimes the law is wrong, and sometimes people in authority make mistakes. I asked my son if he thought it was wrong for a black person to marry a white person, and he said no. I told him that at one time it was illegal. Was it wrong then? No. WE were. And so, of course, there will be rules and customs and laws that are wrong, even now. "Because I said so" is never an acceptable answer.
Not even in yoga. So today, when I decided whether I would keep my commitment to get on the mat every day until Halloween or honor the Ashtanga rules, I decided to do some research. I decided to find out WHY we take moon days off, and to see if it was something I agreed with. As far as the explanation for why we don't do inversions on our period, it wasn't convincing enough for me. So I still do. I don't believe that bleeding has an impact on the flow of your prana. It's just the flow of your blood. The rest of your body is still working the exact same way it was before. And you will not suddenly reverse the flow of your period and start bleeding backwards. Now, if I see a convincing case to suggest I should STOP, I will take that into consideration and possibly change my point of view.
The explanation I read, though, made sense. It resonated, because yesterday I had such a hard time motivating myself. I was dragging ass. So, reading this description, I understood. It was from Ashtanga Yoga Center Moon Days. It said "the new moon energy corresponds to the end of exhalation when the force of apana is the greatest. Apana is a contracting downward moving force that makes us feel calm and grounded, but dense and disinclined toward physical exertion." Their full moon explanation also made sense, so I decided to go with it.
Okay, and today being the new moon is also super cool because it has been one complete moon cycle since I first met Joth in person. I can't believe it's only been a month! It feels like a lot longer, but at the same time, it has flown. I'm so incredibly happy.
I'm also super excited for Halloween! This is the first time I actually am dating someone I'm PROUD to bring around my friends. They are going to think he is so awesome. My family...when the time comes, not getting ahead of myself...would LOVE him. He's so funny. I remember in the sister circle, being envious of the other girls. Danielle's husband and Maria's husband are in the same band, Shawna's husband is in a different band, Mikki's fiance gave her a LABRADORITE engagement ring...and he's in the Shamanic Journey group WITH her. I always thought it was too much to hope for, a guy like that. An intellectual, considerate, musical or otherwise creatively inclined guy. A guy who was into weird metaphysical things and vibrated at my frequency.
I thought for a long time about Mikki and Logan -- he spins poi, she hoops. They journey together. They are SO compatible. As long as I believed that type of connection was outside of my reach, it was. But as soon as I decided to wait until I FOUND it, and settle for nothing less in the meantime, it happened. So this is all very magical. Well, I had a lot more to say, as usual...but this will have to be the end. Au revoir!!
Okay, so you know it's almost a new moon WHEN...
Hahaha. For me, new moons always come with increased synchronicity. The super amplified, can't write it off as a coincidence kind. It's fun to pay attention to patterns and to make these connections...more pieces adding to the puzzle. What will it BE?? I don't KNOWWWWWW! Ooooh, look, another piece!!
Anyway, so before a full moon, I get crazy dreams. Vivid, powerful, symbolic dreams. Not always lucid, but very realistic and deep. I have known that for a while. What I only just started noticing in the past year was that before a full moon, I notice more synchronicity. Example.
I was at work today, daydreaming as usual. I was thinking back to this conversation last night about our country's weird views on sexuality. I started thinking about hickeys, and why the hell they are inappropriate? It's not like it's a private body part showing. In fact, on any other part of your body, it's simply a bruise. And magically, not obscene. Yet somehow, if that bruise is on your NECK...scandal. And WHY? Because of how it got there. Why???? Because it's evidence that we had sex. And that, somehow, is something to be ashamed of....???? I still don't get it. Can any adult with a brain provide a reasonable explanation? I don't think so. So why don't we get with the program already?
Anyway, as I was pondering this in my mind, a call beeped in. Sometimes, that sound in my ear is really an inconvenience...it means I actually have to do my job. Hahaha. Anyway, the customer's information popped up on my screen. I was in shock. I was amazed. I am SO NOT LYING. Her name was MARGARET HICKEY. I swear on my children IT REALLY HAPPENED. Whaaaaaaaaat?????!!
You know how I look for the lessons in all of my experiences? Well, I think I discovered one of the lessons I'm learning right now. It's sooooooo tough. Relationships are really just a more intense training ground for our personal (and therefore, collective) evolution. Everything is amplified -- the potential for pain (and yet, for growth), the opportunities for learning, the expansion of mind and heart. They always help us, even if it's just by being a mirror to reflect the ugly things about ourselves that need our attention. In the current case, by the way, it's exactly the opposite.
It doesn't escape my attention that, as much alike as we are, so many things I admire about him are also things I should admire about myself. I am discovering my own self worth by recognizing the same in him. If HE'S amazing because of x,y, and z...and I ALSO have x,y, and z...what excuse do I have to not appreciate myself too? I had so much lingering insecurity, even after two years. I made a good bit of progress in cultivating the self-love which was foreign to me, but there was a doubting part still inside me. And I'm not going to lie, I can hear it whisper sometimes still. "He's going to get bored with you." "You're not good enough." "You don't deserve this."
Of course, I always tell it to shut up. That's just me. But sometimes I hear Noe's voice telling me no one would want a girl who had three kids by three different guys, or Andrew's voice saying the only thing I'm good for is a piece of ass. Or Noe, saying I'm not a real woman like his wife, and all anyone would ever want from me is a fun time. I'm a very sexual person, but I've waited because I worried so much that he would think the same -- and he's been totally okay with that! This is the first time ever that I've dated someone who didn't just go for it, which I'm so thankful for. Because to be honest, between you and I? I would have let it happen. But really that isn't what I wanted, because I wanted him to see me for who I really am first, and to be able to take comfort in knowing for sure that I'm not just a fun time to him. I didn't even have to tell him, it's like he sensed it. He hasn't pressured me at all.
So anyway but the lesson I'm working on which is so HAAAAAAARDDDDDDD is being able to receive gracefully. I'm not used to this. He tells me sweet things all the time -- sincere compliments, not just flattery. And he does such thoughtful things -- he sent me a little espresso maker, just having remembered a conversation we had. He sent me a coin scarf to go with my Halloween costume (which, strangely enough, I was planning to get...and he didn't even know it). So, you know, it's way totally sweet. And I'm so thankful for him. But why does it make me feel so weird? Why do I feel like that awkward, get the spotlight off me, uncomfortable feeling? Are there some deep-seated feelings of unworthiness I need to resolve? Is that what's going on with my sacral chakra? Whatever it is, I need to clear it OUT!
And the same thing applies to me going after my dreams. I tell myself what I'm passionate about and what I want to do, but when it comes to going for it...the dumb little voices. You're not good enough, you're wasting your time, be realistic, there are so many people better than you, you don't have the skills, etc. etc. Now, I REALLY want to step into a new phase of my life. But I get the same panicky feeling when I think of, say, charging for reiki. It's the same feeling I get when Joth tells me something nice about myself. This burning, uncomfortable, ugly emotion. Like shame. Like, I know what I really am. How dare I entertain thoughts of actually BEING somebody. After being conditioned to believe you're worthless, can you ever resurrect your self-esteem? Can you ever be self-assured again in your life? What do I need to do to make this happen???
I might have to change that picture. It will work for now, though. I'm doing yoga at 8 and I've been way too busy to blog for a while, so I decided to quickly check in here.
Exciting things happening! We are doing the sister sweat lodge again this year, ohhhhh yeah. Also, new moon circle on Thursday. I'm hoping to make it, but I signed up for a bunch of overtime again this week and I don't get out until 7. I might not feel up to it. Also, book club meeting coming up as well! It seems like everything gets put on hold for the summer, which is weird because that's the time you think you're going to have all this free time to see your friends, but it never happens. Then things settle down, the kids go back to school, and you get back into a social routine.
Big news for Jewel, too. She got her period today. I feel really old! She's just eleven!! I knew it was coming, though. She said she had gas cramps on Sunday, but I had a feeling. So I went and got her some pads and sent them home with Brian. Thankfully, he put one in her backpack and she apparently handled it well when it happened at school today. I was really worried about how she'd deal with it, but I had a lot of frank, informative conversations with her.
I try to be very matter-of-fact with the kids when it comes to body things and sex. I don't want them to feel like there's anything shameful about any of it. And I'm always honest with them when they ask -- in my world, storks do not bring babies and we do not call our penis a "wee-wee". Well of course, I don't have a penis, but you know.
Work is going okay, I'm happy to be earning a lot of extra money but I'm still feeling restless. I applied for 5 jobs at Farmers, which is much closer and would be a much less harrowing drive than the drive to and from Walker I endured last year. I cringe when I think about that. But, whatever happens, I'll make it work and I'll make it awesome. I am, however, setting my sights on something more. Something fulfilling. Something in line with my passion and my purpose.
I spent a lot of time doubting myself and questioning my self-worth. I want to pursue that which sets my soul on fire. I want to chase the dreams which ignite my heart. What is stopping me? What has ever been stopping me? I have so many excuses. Doubts. Reasons. Fears. Imaginary make-believe obstacles. Ganesh has been coming up a lot in a synchronistic way, so I feel like this is something I should pay attention to. A clue. At the very least, I could chant to Ganesh before bed for a while and see if it helps...everything I dream of is on the other side of the big scary pond called fear. What better way to cross that puddle than on the back of an elephant?
The amazing thing I want to do with my life is make the lives of other people amazing, and I think I'm putting the picture together piece by piece of what exactly that looks like. I was telling Joth earlier that it's like I'm putting together a puzzle. I'm not sure yet how each of the pieces relate to each other, or what it will look like when it's all connected. It's kind of exciting though to just follow this path and see where it takes me. Life is such an adventure. I'm so happy to be alive. :D
.JPG)
