Urdhva-Padmasana

It feels wonderful to be back to yoga!  There is a definite difference from when I would try to resume my practice while I was with Joth, an energy blockage of some type.  Although I was performing the asana, I was not living to honor my higher self.  I guess I can’t really explain that, but I didn’t feel like me, I guess.  Now, it’s wonderful!  I have time for reading, and yoga, and eating healthy food, and I live in a clean environment that doesn’t bind up all of my energy into knots of immobile anxiety, I have meditated, taken the kids places – my life is AMAZING.  How silly I was to think this would be hard.  I did all my grieving while I was still in the relationship.

 

This past weekend, I took the kids to the library and was delighted to discover that I could get a library card.  I had movies that I never returned to a library in Kent county about 5 years ago, but they apparently didn’t show up so I was good to go!  I am so grateful!  So, I checked out a Kino Macgregor book about Ashtanga with the primary series, Yoga Mala by Pattabhi Jois, and another Ashtanga yoga and meditation book.  I read them all during the weekend and went back last night and got The Essential Vedanta.  This is an acceptable new addiction.  ;D

 

There was a party at Elderberry and I do feel slight twinges of missing out, but I know in my heart that sacrificing a party to do fun things with my kids was the right move. They don’t stay young forever, and I don’t think they would have enjoyed an EDM festival.  Plus, I’m not quite ready to see Ashes just yet.  Other than the library, I also took the kids to the beach, Leila Arboretum, and Petco.  We were trying to find the Humane Society to drop off our volunteer applications, but it is not in my car’s GPS and I couldn’t remember where it was.  I got directions for next time, though.

 

I have been persistently trying, to no avail, to locate Ashtanga classes anywhere near me.  There are some in Grand Rapids.  Also, I girl I know on Facebook – a sweet, quirky artist with a baby that I connected with through mutual festy friends – strangely had reached out to me, of all people, suggesting maybe we could get a place together in GR.  This is serendipitous, because I wanted to move back but couldn’t see a way to do that with this car payment because I can’t afford rent anywhere.  I thought I was stuck.  But she said that we and this single dad she knows could pool resources and get a place, and I can really see this working out!  When I was trying to move to Elderberry, I applied for every job in a 25 mile radius of Bangor and got no responses.  NONE.  Just last Friday, I applied for a few jobs in Grand Rapids and have already heard back from THREE!!!!  I completed the aptitude testing for one of them at the library last night.

 

Grand Rapids has such a better spiritual community, yoga community, music scene, night life, parenting resources, EVERYTHING.  I never appreciated GR like I should have when I was there; I took all of that stuff for granted and didn’t use any of it.  I won’t make that mistake again, I’m going to live life to the fullest!  I’m 35, but I feel like my life is just beginning.  And in a way, it truly is.

 

I was thinking about that while doing yoga last night.  I always make these observations in yoga that apply to life.  I was thinking about how it has been so long since I did the primary series, so it’s like starting over brand new.  Except I don’t have to go ALL the way back to the beginning, because of muscle memory and such, plus I have the poses mostly memorized.  I compared that to starting over now, in my life.  I didn’t have to go all the way to rock bottom this time, there are things that I have learned and what I lost/forgot is coming back to me more quickly because I’ve done this before.  I know which mistakes to avoid and I remember the way back up the path, so it’s going faster and it’s easier.  Plus, I don’t get discouraged as easily because I remember a time I couldn’t do those poses and thought I never would, but I did.  So now, I take heart, because I know they will come and what I am capable of.

 

What I’m focusing on this week is Surya Namaskaras (5 of each), the standing postures, and the closing sequence, just so I can perfect it before adding the middle part.  I haven’t quite worked up to waking up at 5 am to do yoga, for now I’m doing it in the evening.  But I figure it’s better that than not at all.  I did wake up at 5 today and got to work by 7 AM, effortlessly, painlessly.  So that’s progress in the right direction.  Also, I’m burning hot!  I’m usually a cold person, and I’m in an air conditioned office, so I think I must have stoked some fire within.  I am excited.

Another New Beginning

 

 

Okay, well, I am out of work in 40 minutes and I haven’t posted in about 40 years.  Really, the only thing to do in times like these is start from where I am and let the gap forever be a mystery, somewhat like those 30 years of Jesus’ life.  Haha.

 

I can sum it up, I think.  Joth and I broke up, big shock.  Before I moved out, I briefly entered into a polyamorous relationship with Ashes, Marshall, and Holly during Boredomfest and spent every following weekend there until after Hoodilidoo.  There has been a lot of drama in the Elderberry/Willow family, some people are banned from Elderberry, some are banned from Willow.  Some people picked sides, some try to be neutral (which is what I have done, but some decided to side against me anyway since Ashes & Co live at Elderberry so I was Team Elderberry by association…hahaha). 

 

Tristan had some challenges, I decided to focus more on parenting and got out of the relationship because relationships suck up all of my energy.  Polyamory is fantastic though, and in a different time in my life and probably a different place, I can see that being the ideal situation for me.  For now, it’s the single yogi life, and I am not going to every single festival like I was before.  I love EDM festivals, but it’s a different energy and not as child-friendly, at least to me.  Next weekend is Bim’s Birthday Bash at Willow, and I am super sad but I can’t go because my parents’ 35^th wedding anniversary party is that Saturday and of course that takes priority.  It’s okay, though, because the following weekend is Peace Fest and I’m bringing both of the kids.  It will be fun!

 

Tristan and I live with Shyloh now and that is going pretty well, except she is very particular about her environment so we need to be very careful not to irritate her.  Overall, though, I’m grateful that she has allowed us into her space because I couldn’t afford rent anywhere without having to give up my car, and they’d still garnish my wages so in the end I’d pay for the car either way but if it got repossessed I wouldn’t have it.  I also pay her $50 a week to watch him, which isn’t much, but it’s all I can afford.  Once she finds a job, I can return the favor by watching Miika if she’s on a different shift than I am.

 

I’ve gotten back to yoga, as I always do, and feel drawn to more spiritual pursuits.  I have had a lot of time for self-reflection and honest assessment of my life, and for that I’m grateful.  Jewel is having some challenges and is in counseling to learn to cope with overwhelming emotions, which I can remember with all to painful clarity still from the time I was her age.  It was an emotional hell for me, so I do feel for her.  She’ll make her way through it, although the autism may add an extra element to her struggle which I can not relate to.  Still, though, adolescence is hard, no matter who you are.

 

Work is going well, I switched temp agencies in February and will be on this assignment until the end of the year.  I tried to find employment in the Bangor area because I intended to move to Elderberry and live there with my former partners, but nothing worked out and that was probably for a reason.  I’ve learned not to try to force things that don’t seem meant to work out.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do about school for Tristan, but I am actually considering home schooling since he had such a hard time last year and I had to leave work to pick him up so many times.  If I do, though, he will still definitely be socialized because those skills are important to develop now so he can carry that into adulthood.  He needs to know how to interact and communicate appropriately with peers and how to deal with people he doesn’t like.  I don’t really like my boss, but my livelihood depends on me tolerating her enough to get through a work day.

 

The last time I had Juju, we went to pet cats at the Humane Society and it was a giant hit with both kids so I filled out a volunteer application which we’ll bring with us tomorrow.  It feels good to find wholesome ways to spend our time rather than killing it in front of a device.  Tristan is grounded from electronics all summer because he pulled the fire alarm on the last day of school and we got a lovely visit that evening from a police officer.  Also, I could not fill his meds because I hadn’t submitted his redetermination for Medicaid by the deadline, and I hadn’t received that because I had moved and not yet informed DHS of my new address.  So, I had to reapply and to date, it is still pending.  Which means no meds, no counseling, nothing.  At first, it was horrible, but he is acclimating wonderfully and with the increased connection I have been giving him, he seems to be improving a lot.  We went to the beach last weekend, played Uno, watched jets, hot air balloons, and fireworks, had a couple movie nights in his fort with popcorn, ate lots of ice cream, etc.  Strengthening the parent/child connection through meaningful activities is more important than I can stress.  I wish more parents understood that.  I wish I did a long time ago.

 

I started reading this book by Dr. Shefali called The Awakened Family : A Revolution in Parenting.  It’s awesome, so far.  I left it at Joth’s and never got it back.  That’s okay, though, because there’s a horrible bed bug infestation over there and I don’t want to risk any of those nasty things hitching a ride to my blissfully bug-free bed, ever.  EVER.  I LOVE LIVING IN A CLEAN HOUSE WITHOUT BED BUGS!!!!  AMEN, HALLELUJA!!!! 

 

Okay, I have 20 minutes left and still haven’t filled out my timecard, so that’s all for now.  I’m going to try to post every Friday, at least through summ