The Nightmare Continues

I can understand getting upset about something, losing your cool, and saying hurtful things in regards to the thing that upset you.  I can understand getting triggered by someone else insulting you or yelling at you, lashing out from a place of hurt.  Using hurtful words when a person does something that hurts you.  Not that it’s okay, but it’s at least understandable.  What I can not wrap my head around, however, is yelling at someone for the kind things they have done; reacting with anger to the kind things they say. 

 

When I scheduled hair appointments for Jewel and Tristan, I asked Austin if he wanted his hair cut, and he said no.  When the rescheduled appointments fell on his birthday, out of consideration for him realizing that sitting for an hour watching people get their hair cut probably wasn’t the most fun thing ever, I asked him if he would prefer to stay with his Grandma.  I stressed that whatever made him most happy was fine with me, it didn’t make a difference to me.  First he said he’d rather stay with his Grandma, I walked him downstairs and the door was locked, so he said he wanted to come with us and that was fine.  He did. 

 

I gave him first pick of the breakfast restaurant, bought him breakfast, chatted with him while Jewel and Tristan got their hair cut, took them all to a Chinese buffet to celebrate.  I kept checking in with him to make sure he was having a good birthday.  He was, and that was what mattered most to me.  I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted stuff to build robots which was not something I had the knowledge to get at the time.  I told him I’d look it up and figure out what we needed. 

 

You got out of work, took me to work, picked me up from work and we came home and had cake and ice cream.  I started to tell Austin thank you for the cake, but realized the cake wasn’t actually from him but we were celebrating because of him and made a joke, “Thanks for being born so we could have cake!” It was a lighthearted joke, and Austin is well aware of the fact that I am grateful for his presence in so many more ways.  I don’t imagine that he thought for one second that the only reason I am glad he exists is because I got to eat cake.  Besides that, I never said OR implied that it was the ONLY reason I was glad he was born.  He’s a smart kid, I’m confident that he realizes that I can eat cake whenever I want anyway.

 

Fast forward to later when we’re lying in bed and I thought I heard you say something, you said you didn’t, I was sure I had heard something so you then used that opportunity to shred me into a thousand pieces, emotionally eviscerate me, shatter every feeling inside me.  I was hurt and confused.  I couldn’t understand why you would hurt me in that way, when I hadn’t done anything to you.  I hadn’t said anything mean that you could be reacting to.  I hadn’t done anything hurtful that you could be angry about.  I had spent the day with your son celebrating his birthday and for that I deserved to be torn apart? 

 

You spun everything to give it the most evil interpretation you could, starting with me giving Austin the choice whether he wanted to come or not.  You painted that as “trying to get rid of him”.  The previously scheduled haircut appointments you claimed I was “leaving Austin out” although I had specifically asked him if he wanted his haircut too, and he himself had chosen not to.  The haircuts were badly needed by Jewel AND Tristan, and I only have her every other weekend and had to reschedule once already, but you twisted that into “Getting MY kids presents on Austin’s birthday”.  !!  REALLY?  HAIR CUTS ARE NOT PRESENTS.  I had bought him a cookie the night before to surprise him with in the morning, neither Jewel nor Tristan got one.  When I woke him up to give it to him, I sang happy birthday and you yelled at me for singing it without you.  Even though we would sing it again with cake and ice cream and I knew it.  I was trying to show him love but instead I got treated like I should have known that no one is allowed to sing happy birthday without you, even if it isn’t when the candles are being blown out.  I wasn’t aware of this rule.  You left me sobbing, heartlessly leaving the room after throwing these accusations at me, throwing the good things I had done back at me after distorting them into crimes.  This is the worst I have ever felt with you.  I don’t know how someone who would do that could even love me.  I don’t believe you do.