I have more good news regarding my life. My feelings about my long sought after success are a little strange and surprising to me, but more on that later. I have been temping at this insurance company since October, and I continue to apply for permanent positions within the company. I kept getting rejected. Finally, instead of getting the "Thank you for your interest in the position but we have decided to pursue more qualified candidates" email, I got one asking me to complete pre-employment testing! After I completed that, I got a call asking to schedule a telephone interview and an application packet to fill out. Getting hired in to this company is really involved and there are a lot of steps -- they even check your credit. I AM a little nervous about that part, because mine isn't really that good. But, it will be what it is meant to be and I have no control over what's going to happen at this point.
I did my phone interview yesterday and I feel like I did great! I'm so glad I prepared by taking notes. He told me they would be making some decisions Monday. The position starts August 5, so I should be hearing something soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! This would be so great for me -- I'd finally have insurance, so I could get my teeth fixed. I'd have 3 weeks of paid vacation just for the FIRST year, a 401k, profit sharing...it is a dream come true. I feel like my life is really going somewhere.
But, here's my dirty little secret. Now that it seems that I am about to gain the stability I have been seeking for so long, I really don't want it. Don't take that the wrong way -- I WANT to make money, I DO NOT want to struggle or depend on assistance from the government or family to survive, I want to be self-sufficient. However, the thought of a 9-5 life with 2.5 kids in the suburbs with a mini-van bores me to tears. That is not LIFE! I want to make money doing something that I'm passionate about, something that stimulates me and the people I work with. Something that makes a difference and nourishes my soul. Something that does NOT involve a cubicle and a set schedule. I am going to feel like a caged little bird. I hate routine. However, if this is what I need to do, this is what I'm going to do. I'm just not nearly as excited about it as I should be, because along with the exciting thoughts about being able to move forward in life, I also have this dread about being tied down. Another cog in the wheel, another brick in the wall.
I guess I already AM part of the corporate machine in a way, but being a temp is different. However, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks for sure.
I went to Peace Fest this year, it was fantastic! It was weird because I missed it last year and kept dreaming about it all year long. It was more than just a recurring dream, it was like it was stuck on repeat and I couldn't change the track. It was an annoyance. I couldn't figure out why I kept dreaming about it so much -- the dreams started when I was with Noe and they'd always start out pretty much the same way. We'd be walking through the woods and happen upon Peace Fest in full swing. We'd come out into this clearing which directly connected us to the field where the vendors are set up and the bands play. With excitement, I'd start showing him around and introducing him to people. In one dream, we sat on the grass and watched a girl do hula hoop tricks but I remember in that dream I was very insecure because I felt like he was more attracted to her than he was to me. I never really SAW him in the dream, I just had that sense that he was the one next to me. And maybe he was, I don't know -- but in real life, I brought R and it was pretty amazing. If I had brought N, he would have ruined the whole thing for me.
One thing I have realized about him is that he is obsessed with WOMEN. A man who is so preoccupied with WOMEN can never be satisfied with just one woman. He's always looking for the next best thing, and before he even has THAT, his eyes are still roaming for the next NEXT best thing. Nothing and no one is ever good enough to keep his interest, and that makes me a little sad for him. It made me VERY sad to be WITH him, though -- knowing that his interest in me had already faded and I would never be enough. Wherever we went, I felt invisible. He was so worried about checking out the other "options on the menu" that I took a backseat. He would rather go "be intimate with himself" and his phone in the bathroom than actually have sex with me. He cared more about the pursuit of something new than appreciating what he already had. And that, my friends, was hurtful. I felt worthless.
But enough thinking about the past, I don't live there anymore! Be here now. And HERE is a good place to be. It isn't perfect, but nothing is. And I'm happy. :)
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