31 Weeks

I can see now why the suicide rate is highest during the holidays.  First, there was Thanksgiving, where my dad didn't speak a word to me, wouldn't look me in the eye, and regarded me as if I were an inanimate piece of furniture.  Then, there was Christmas at my grandparents' house.  I was upset with my sister in law, left the room to calm down so I wouldn't tarnish the holiday spirit, and was followed by her and my brother.  They proceeded to gang up on me although I stayed calm, until my brother started yelling at me about things we had (I thought) already resolved over Facebook.  I stood up to walk away, he kept yelling, the rest of the family came in to see what the commotion was about, and then it was my mom and sister in law ganging up on me.  Then my mom and my aunt.  I couldn't stop crying for about 24 hours, but everyone else (including my brother) went on about their business as if nothing had happened.  This event had me nearly suicidal.

We went to my uncle's this past Saturday and all of the women were sitting at a table tasting wine.  I was in and out of the room chasing my children.  I came back in and sat at the end of the table.  My sister was at the other end -- my dear, sweet sister who has never said an unkind word to me -- next to my sister in law.  My aunt remarked at how lucky it was that my sister in law finally had a sister (A sister, not TWO sisters...because we all know I don't count).  She then said something about never having a sister, to which MY sister replied, "You can have mine...".  Damn.

I lived my 20's thoughtlessly, believing that I would never suffer any consequences for my impulsive indulgences.  I did whatever I wanted and could never conceive of the idea that someday I may pay the price for my carelessness.  Now I'm 30, and that day has come.  I have no one to blame but myself and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me.  Nonetheless, it's all hitting home at once.  I feel wounded, rejected, inadequate, invisible.  I could go on.  I think back to all the choices I make and, for the first time, consider how my actions must have affected those close to me.  How they must have impacted the way they feel about me.  How they contributed to the sorry, miserable state I find myself now in.  Yeah, well...cry me a river, right?

As if THAT were not enough, I was googling "entrustment ceremony" because I was thinking of doing something like this to commemorate the placing of my baby with her adoptive parents.  I thought it would help to give me closure and to have positive feelings about the adoption.  I happened to stumble upon this website which talked about the trauma of adoption to babies and the feeling of abandonment they can never recover from.  Am I really making the right choice?  I can't help but realize that she WOULD suffer if I were to keep her.  Am I just trading one set of psychological wounds for another?  Will I ever stop grieving after I do this?  Will I regret it and miss my baby forever?  The couple I chose will be wonderful parents, I have no doubt of that.  But will my daughter resent me despite the fact that I thought of her and wanted her to have everything I couldn't give her?  I'm sick with grief.  I miss my son, I miss my family, I miss the illusion of love that has shattered and left me realizing that I was just a toy and never a cherished partner.  I feel abandoned by everyone all at once, and now to expect me to give up one of the only three people in the whole wide world who would love me unconditionally and unwaveringly throughout my life...it's almost too much to bear.

This pregnancy has gone very well so far, but at 31 weeks, I'm starting to feel the pain.  I could barely sleep last night because my back hurt so bad.  The baby's elbows and knees are sharp and poky sometimes, and she's big enough to get up in my ribs.  Still, it isn't that bad, and I only have two months left. 

It is snowing out now, and I'm not very anxious to get back out in that weather.  The drive here was pretty horrible.  I HATE MICHIGAN!!!!  I need to check out some books, though, to snuggle up with and read tonight.  I will go for now...later!

Six of Swords

Sorry about yesterday, I was a bit incoherent.  I came to my blog with the intention of writing about something completely different, but then I happened upon some information which threw me for quite a loop.  I should have gathered my thoughts before I posted, but I'm much better now. 

N has succeeded in achieving what only one person before him ever did -- I hate him.  I know that hatred is an unhealthy emotion, and holding onto it won't hurt him any more than it would kill him if I drank poison.  I'm only hurting myself by harboring such negativity.  But honestly, I really wouldn't care if he were struck dead by lightning this very moment.  I used to think nobody was a "bad person", some people just make bad choices.  I thought we all had the potential to be good.  I was wrong.  There's nothing good about him, he poisons everything he touches and hurts everyone who has the misfortune of crossing his path.  I'm sure someday I'll resolve these negative emotions and move into a much healthier place of acceptance and healing.  For now, though, he can just die.

So, the end of the world tomorrow, right?  According to the Mayan calendar?  Yes, well, let me share something with you which probably won't come as much of a shock -- I hope the world DOES end tomorrow.  I'm tired.  I want off this ride.  This "life" thing is all just too much for me, and frankly quite overrated.  Most people are praying the world doesn't end, but I'm wishing it WILL.  I doubt I'll get so lucky, though. 

I'm just killing time here at the library until it's time to head to the sister circle.  I almost decided not to go, but it will be good for me.  I just don't feel well today.  I've been fatigued and nauseated for  the last few days.  It could be pregnancy, but I feel like I'm coming down with something.  I hope it blows over soon, it's hard to get any work done and all I ever think about is sleeping.  I need to get gifts tonight for the kids, too, and I just don't feel like shopping. 

So, the three of swords is about that soul-shattering grief.  All-consuming sorrow.  Bone-crushing heartache and emotional pain which shakes you to your very core.  The six of swords still deals with grieving and emotional pain, but it is a transition card.  She is in the boat, moving on.  Moving into a new phase of life, leaving the past permanently behind her.  It is over.  She still has the swords in the boat, which I prefer to look at as lessons learned from the emotional pain she has just endured.  Some interpret it as holding on to the actual pain, but since she is moving into the next phase and bringing only the swords, I feel like it's more appropriate to describe them as lessons and scars.  The good thing, too, is although the swords are stuck in the boat, they do not make her sink.  You might have some pain, but it isn't going to kill you.  That's how I feel right now.  I'm very sad but I keep moving forward.  I'll be damned if I let anyone get the best of me. 

Happy winter solstice tomorrow! 

***Edit.  I just found out the sister circle is cancelled.  :(  I'm bummed, but I can go lie in bed in my PJ's with a good book now and feel better.  I guess there's supposed to be a storm, so maybe I should head home also to avoid driving in it.  Incidentally, I saw this posted in the sister circle facebook group page and felt touched by it with all my talk of hatred and resentment toward life.  It definitely made me stop and think.

Vow of the Priestess

I choose to walk my path fearlessly
To live with my heart ...wide open
To be grateful for my experiences
Which led me straight into the arms of the Goddess
And taught me compassion for all things
To forgive and forgive and forgive again
While maintaining the boundaries of my own sacredness
Not resisting life, but allowing it to be
To accept and embrace it
And transmute my fear and suffering into Joy And just by being,
Give others permission to do the same.
To know that everyone is a mirror
Reflecting the light of the Goddess
All with truth at the core of their being
All unique, all beautiful, all different aspects of Her.

Three of Swords

Some people just never stop disappointing you.  But then, after a while, you realize that you should have come to expect certain behavior from those people, and you are just as much to blame from any heartache you endure as a result of believing that they could ever change.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me 9,623 times...I should be institutionalized for extreme mental shortcomings.

That's all I have to say on that.

I had my OB appointment today and I have reason to celebrate!  I've actually lost 4 pounds since I was at my primary care doctor's office a couple weeks ago.  This brings my grand total to 26 pounds, hooray for healthy eating!!!!  I found some wonderful parents for the baby and I really have a feeling of peace about things now.  It's going to hurt a lot, I'm trying to prepare for that eventuality.  Being realistic, though, I have to realize that I don't really have a choice.  I know I have to but I don't know how I'm going to.  Everything just hurts today.  Everyone in my life who pretends to care only wants to hurt me.  Every situation that could potentially bring me joy instead brings me pain.  I am all alone in a cold, cruel world and I don't want to DO this anymore!  I can't trust anyone.  I can't depend on anyone.  Ohhhhhhhhh refocus refocus refocus.

This isn't meant to be a negative rant.  I should consider it a gift that people have revealed their true selves to me.  Yes, they have disappointed me, but at least now I see them for what they really are and I won't give them more credit than they deserve any longer.  In some cases, I saw the truth long ago.  It's amazing the rationalizations one will believe when she is lonely.  REFOCUS!!!!!

Sister circle tomorrow night.  God, I need this.  I am so looking forward to some sisterly bonding.  Then, Friday is the winter solstice and I'll have both of my kids.  I have happy things to cling to, forget the rest.  This whole entry is probably pretty cryptic but I don't have the energy to explain anything right now.  My brother, my sister in law, my aunt, my mom, my dad, N...

Did I even talk about what happened at my grandma's?  Well if I didn't, in short the whole family turned against me.  But to dwell on sadness only creates more of the same.  Jesus Christ, I'm really going to have a breakdown now.  I think I've taken just about all I can take.  It's at that point where you stretch the rubber band...and stretch...and streeeeeeetch...and....SNAP.  I'm almost there.  And what the hell is taking me so long, huh??????  I'M JUST IN EVERYONE'S WAY.

I need to go home and go to bed.  I need to talk to....oh that's right, I don't even have anyone I can talk to.  Just as well because as soon as you think you can trust someone or that someone cares, they betray you anyway.  Now I see why N would rather have enemies.  With an enemy, you EXPECT them to hurt you.

30 Weeks

I think I'm possessed.

No, seriously.  I'm not sure whether I should call my doctor or a priest.  I feel like I need to tell someone about this, but I'm worried that people would think I'm crazy and have me committed.  Hell, if someone told ME something like  this, I probably wouldn't believe it.  The other night, I was having this dream.  I was on a bus or something and all of a sudden, I realized I was dreaming.  (I love when that happens, because then I can do whatever I wish I could do in real life but am unable -- like flying or giving someone a piece of my mind.)  Anyway, I decided to take the opportunity to reach out to my spirit guides.  I'm not terribly sensitive to supernatural phenomena in my waking life, so I thought it would be cool to try to talk to them on the astral plane.

Well.  Just then, everything started to go black in front of me.  It was like someone with a giant finger dipped in black paint started smearing it around my field of vision.  I was filled with this intense fear and I had to force myself to wake up.  When I did, my body was VIBRATING.  I wasn't just shaking like you do when you're cold or afraid.  I literally felt electricity radiating from my spine and my body was buzzing, vibrating like a damn cell phone.  That was the scariest thing that ever happened to me in my life.  What does it mean?  Are my spirit guides evil?  Am I possessed by some demon?  Or was I just having some kind of seizure?  Either way, I'm not entirely sure what to do.

I wonder to myself lately, why does the person singing the soundtrack of my life these days have to be Taylor Swift?  I mean, I like her and everything, I just don't like how every song she comes out with seems to be about my life.  Is she stalking me?  LOL...of course I'm kidding.  White Horse describes how I felt when I realized I was going  to leave N and wanted to move on with my life.  We Are Never Getting Back Together describes the frustrating time after I left him during which he would come back, I'd take him back, I'd realize I was better off without him, and we'd break up again.  The latest one I've been hearing, I Knew You Were Trouble, describes exactly how I feel right now.  "And the saddest fear...comes creeping in...that you never loved me, or her, or anything..."  But anyway, I DID know he was trouble when he walked in.  And he WAS long gone when he met me...we never had a chance.  All it ever was, start to finish, was a game.  I'm not really sad about it anymore, just sad about the things I sacrificed for that horrible excuse for a loving relationship.  Live and learn, though, right?

After all, now I live for my kids.  I never appreciated the simple joys that could be found just in playing with, cuddling with, and talking to your kids.  Devoting all of myself to them for a change feels really good.  I look forward to the times we get to spend together and love planning fun things for us to do.  I wish I had been this excited about parenting before, but I suppose it sometimes takes losing something to get real perspective on what part that thing played in your life.  Sometimes you realize you never needed it after all (like with N), and sometimes you realize you never appreciated how wonderful it could be (like with my kids).  I have a long road ahead of me, but my head and my heart are in the right place now.  I know I'll get there.

The Hermit

Wow.  It's really time I did a little bit of soul-searching.  Right after I finished posting my last entry, my brother (who is typically a man of few words) sent me a message on Facebook basically telling me how since I was 15 I've been wreaking havoc on everyone's life.  He informed me that he blames me for his hurting marriage, awkward family gatherings, and...some other stuff, I don't remember.  He said that God was the only thing that got him through the bullshit I put everyone through.  Now, it didn't exactly come as a shock to me to hear that other people suffered as a result of my tumultuous life.  I just never thought about it at all until now.

I always thought that "bad people" KNEW they were bad and just didn't care.  I thought some people chose to be good, others chose to be bad, and everyone was aware of which side of the fence he or she fell on.  Now I wonder -- have I been a "bad person" this whole time, for the last 15 years, without ever realizing it???  Of course my mistakes were due to stupidity, ignorance, idealism, short-sightedness, etc...but never malice.  I swear on everything I love that I never intended to hurt anyone.  I'm a little shell-shocked right now, but I can't argue.  Everything he said was true.  So that's weighing on my mind.

On a very unrelated note, I thought my water broke today.  I'm still not sure exactly what's going on or if I should call the doctor.  I was at work and I went to scan a bunch of contracts.  I felt something cold against my thigh and realized with alarm that my skirt had a pretty big wet spot.  I'm not trying to give too much information or gross anyone out, but I knew I hadn't peed myself and it was more than just typical discharge.  I was concerned because yesterday my back hurt so bad that I sat under the hot shower for an hour and went right to bed.  Now my back hurts again, but it might be my kidney.  The baby is too little, and I'm so unprepared!  I can NOT be going into labor so soon.

I contacted the court to find out what to do with my petition for a PPO.  I have to turn it in between 8 and 5 Monday-Friday and have an interview.  Well, I work 45 minutes away from the courthouse all of those days!  I don't know what to do.  I think I'm going to call my family advocate to see if she has any ideas.

Speaking of work, it's going very well.  I had a short meeting with my supervisor today and she is very pleased with my audit scores.  (My average is 98%).  Who knows, maybe I'll get hired in.  Even if not, I'll be one of the first chosen for the next assignment.  As long as I'm employed, I'm not really picky.

I really hope N has a change of heart about adoption.  I'm talking to a local couple who seems very wonderful and they suggested I contact the agency they are going through.  That agency apparently said they can help me.  Well, I've heard THAT before.  I just wish the one I was going through had told me a lot sooner that they couldn't do anything for me.  It would have saved me time and hope.

I don't just want her to survive, to have just any life.  If I didn't care about the QUALITY of her life, I'd just give her to N and his wife.  At least I would know she would probably not be killed, but above that I have no confidence.  Or I could take my mother's horrible suggestion and take advantage of the "Safe Haven Law" and just deposit my newborn on the front steps of a local police department and just hope she got placed in a good foster family.  Are you freaking CRAZY???  I'll feel sorry for this baby if she doesn't get the opportunity to have a better life than what N or I am capable of giving her, but I would NEVER forgive myself if I just abandoned her at a police station like so much unwanted garbage.  I want to feel confident that she is going to have everything I could have never given her.  That's the whole point, isn't it?

Today's card, The Hermit, refers to my current place in life.  I have withdrawn socially, taken on single solitude, and chosen this opportunity to look within and do some serious introspection.  I just want to be alone with my thoughts.  Yes, I am also a wee bit depressed (which is not typically a trait of The Hermit -- or, in my deck, Contemplation.)  But this part of my journey I must walk alone.  I have a lot to think about.

29 Weeks

My life is falling apart.  It should be going great, but everything is going wrong.  I am terrified and pissed off and confused and frustrated, among probably a dozen other things.  The adoption agency emailed me last week saying that if N won't appear at a court date 2.5 hours away, they can't really help me.  I already know he won't, I told them that when I first contacted them!  Now I have 10-12 weeks to figure out what the hell I am going to do.  I listened to a voicemail from them as I was leaving work advising me that they are closing my case.

THEN, I got a text from my sister in law.  It said that my son had a horrible day at school.  Just as I was texting back a sympathetic response, I got another text from her saying, "I sure hope this isn't going to happen every week after he spends the weekend with you."  BITCH.  Then she says "Your actions are toxic for your son.  I feel so bad for him. :("  Yeah, I feel bad for him to.  I feel bad that he has to live with a judgemental hypocritical holier-than-thou fake-ass condescending two-faced backstabbing insensitive horrible creature like you.  I feel bad that I have to see him cry every time I send him back to your house because I screwed up and couldn't give my son what he needed.  I feel bad that I made choices that led me to a place where I had no choice left but to let you step in.  I feel bad that I let him down because he should be with me.  I feel bad that you broke the only toy he had from me on purpose.  I feel bad that you threatened to take away Christmas if he didn't believe what you believe, even though he's only six and I would never support you brainwashing him.  I feel bad that his role model right now is a stuck up bitch who thinks she's better than everybody else and has the depth of a potato chip. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I probably deserved a taste of my own medicine.  After all, every time I hear about something they are doing that I don't like, I flip out and attack her about it.  I do realize it's easy to find fault with someone when they are doing the work and you aren't.  I also realize that I couldn't do it any better.  I know we're on the same side and nothing they do is personal...okay, maybe I DON'T know that.  I feel like they're plotting against me.  I feel like they're planning to take my child and lying to my face.

See, the problem is that she is so fake all the time, I can't put any trust in her.  She's one of those girls who is super sweet to everyone's face, then talks shit about them behind their back.  She called N a "dirty Mexican", she told my mom she was better than some friends she was meeting up with because she is thinner than they are, she's the type of bitch who makes condescending remarks about everyone who is different than she is because her shit smells like roses.  So, is it possible that I'm being paranoid and imagining that they are going to try to take my son?  Maybe, but I would never know.  I can't trust people like her.  Maybe I'm a little bit too much for people, wearing my heart on my sleeve and saying what I think.  But people always know where they stand with me.  The worst part is that she brings out the worst in my mom, who I used to think was such a wonderful, good person.  The two of them get all catty and petty together and it makes me so disappointed in this woman I looked up to.  I gave her so much more credit than that -- I don't want to believe she's just as narrow-minded and judgmental as my sister in law is.  How did I gestate in this woman's womb???

I had a good weekend with the kids in my new apartment.  N pulled some crazy stalker shit and followed me to my apartment Saturday night.  He acts like it's no big deal but I feel seriously violated.  If I wanted him to know where I lived, I would have told him.  I have been completely robbed of my right to privacy and I never got a say in the matter.  I am so angry.  Not only that, but my sister in law is attributing my son's bad behavior at school today to that incident.  I'm not saying she's not right, I'm just upset that she would think it was within the realm of my control.  I was just as scared and upset about it as my son was, and I felt just as bad as she did that he had a bad day at school.  Granted, meeting him at a McDonald's a couple towns over was probably not the best decision in retrospect, but I guarantee that I never thought this would happen.  I thought I was making the safest choice at the time.  I owed him money and I arranged to come outside and hand it to him while the kids were in the play place.  They would never have had to see him.  Of course, I'm stupid and I didn't anticipate that he would march his stupid ass into the playplace after I had specifically asked him not to.  Of course I should always assume that if there is a way he can disrespect me, he will.  That's ANOTHER person I gave too much credit to.

I have nobody.  There is no one who is truly in my corner anymore.  My mom used to be my best friend and I could talk to her about anything, but now that my sister in law is in the family, I feel like I don't know her anymore.  I tried to talk to her today and all she could do is defend her.  N only ever pretended to have my back but he's proved he has zero respect or consideration for me at all.  My sister in law always gives me the song and dance about "we love you" but I can see right through that bullshit.  I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown and losing my mind.  I'm falling off a giant cliff and there is nobody at the bottom to catch me.  Yeah, well, woe is me.  What difference does whining make?  It is what it is.