20 Weeks

Ohhhhh my, where do I begin?  I suppose it would help if I remembered where I left off.  At any rate, I'll fill you in on the most recent developments.

I quit the market research company because I got a call from the temp agency offering me a job that paid $10 an hour and got 40+ hours a week.  It was really what I've been looking for this whole time -- a single mother paying child support can't survive on a minimum wage or part-time paycheck.  I know because I've been trying since April.  The problem with the market research company was that the hours were not guaranteed -- I'd be scheduled for 35 hours in a week, but if I didn't have a completed survey by 8:00, I would often get sent home.  Sometimes everyone would get sent home early due to low production.  I also heard that there were periods of time for up to a couple weeks that there would be no work.

So, I went to the factory job I was assigned to with a winning attitude, ready to work.  I was scheduled to work from noon until 8, but things were very busy and I was given the option to work until 10:30 which I accepted.  It wasn't hard at all, but it did involve a considerable amount of bending and lifting.  Another girl I was working with was talking about her pregnancy, and I told her that I was also pregnant.  She is 23 weeks along.  A few hours later, my supervisor approached me and informed me that there had been a "miscommunication" and they couldn't take me because it would take 2 months to train me, shortly after which time I'd have to be on maternity leave.  He told me I was welcome to come back after I had the baby. 

This happened on Monday.  I called the temp agency and was told that I would be given a new assignment, but on Tuesday they requested that my doctor fax a note stating that I could work with no accommodations.  I found out yesterday that my fax was received and today they called to offer me another factory position, 7 am to 3 pm, starting on Tuesday.  This one is only $9 an hour, but it's still more than I was making.  Why do things have to be so damn HARD sometimes?  Why wasn't the other girl fired?  It was suggested that race was an issue, as she is black and I'm white.  Someone suggested that I get a public defender and sue for harassment, but why?  It's a temp job, and right in the paperwork it's stated that you can be fired for any reason or no reason at all.  Besides, I don't have the time or money to sue anyone.  I completely dropped the ball on my disability case, but I've had more important things to worry about.

Let's see, in pregnancy news...I have been getting a lot of foot and leg cramps, which I had with my daughter but not my son.  Of course I'm still hungry all the time, which also happened with my daughter.  I am at the point where I get up at least twice in the middle of the night to pee, which is annoying to say the least.  And they want me to drink more water?  Any more peeing, and I might as well just camp out in the bathroom.  Some people claim that pregnancy gives a woman a heightened intuition or sixth sense.  Mine has always been eerily strong, but I do feel more connected to the universe.  I am more in tune and I have been having very vivid dreams.

In relationship news...*sigh*.  I have been diligently plodding along, exhausting every option available to me which may be able to help me get out.  Homeless Assessment Program (HAP) said they'd try to place me in a shelter, but every morning that I call the girl in charge of that, she calls me back advising me that the shelter is full.  YWCA is full.  Safe Haven informed me that they have a waiting list, and when I DO make it off the waiting list, I can only stay for a week or two.  That isn't long enough for me to save up the money I need to move.  They referred me back to HAP.  :)  My social worker suggested I apply for SER through DHS (State Emergency Relief, Department of Human Services) so I called my caseworker to inquire about that and have not heard back.  Apparently, they can assist you with the first month's rent and deposit if you find affordable housing.  I also contacted a shelter in Allegan via email, but I have not heard back.  Allegan is a long drive from here, though.  I don't really know what else to do now. 

Despite the pregnancy, this hopeless feeling of being trapped is wearing me thin.  I have felt suicidal at times, at other times just hopeless and numb.  I don't feel like doing anything, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I want to give up, but I know I can't.  The thing is, if I stay, how can I have my kids?  I am trying to put them first, but it's too cold to live in my car and I have nowhere else to go. 

Speaking of children, I've been thinking a lot about this adoption thing.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm going to be totally honest -- I don't want to give my baby up.  I ask myself, though, if I can give this baby the life it deserves and I can't say that I feel confident about that.  My other two really need me, and if I've screwed things up so badly with them, what makes me think that I can do better with this one?  Part of me almost feels like keeping the baby as a way to redeem myself for my mistakes with the other two.  Kind of like getting a "re-do" -- to try again and do it right this time.  I feel like that is where N's head is at, too -- his three year old son lives in another state and is not part of his life.  I think he believes that having another child, particularly a boy, will replace him and fill the void.  I know it won't.  By the same token, raising another child won't magically heal the hurt that the other two have suffered.  It won't fix the mistakes I've already made, and I feel like if I'm going to have a positive impact on the lives of my children, I need to devote myself wholly to them.  Having another baby right now might make things worse for them.

I want to know, though -- how do you just hand over your own flesh and blood?  How do you give away your own child without letting it destroy you?  How do you heal from walking away from the one who was made to depend on you for survival?  It feels like betrayal, like abandonment.  It feels cruel and heartless.  I know that I am not those things, and I already suffer a tremendous amount with temporarily letting my son stay with my brother and his wife.  My heart hurts so incredibly bad, and I cry all the time.  I miss him so much.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter as well -- but I don't feel like being away from me really hurts her.  She is very independent, very attached to her daddy, and not at all sad when she is away from me.  She says she loves me and I believe, in her detached autistic way, that she does as much as she is capable.  However, she could go the rest of her life without seeing me and I believe the only one who would hurt would be me.  Sometimes I wish I could be like her.