NOPE.

You say all of a sudden “every day this week” I’ve been crazy, like you conveniently forgot what actually happened this week.  I didn’t forget.  Let me remind you.

• You got done with your training, came home, and I was upset that you had changed the password on the computer and I had no way to contact you.  I didn’t raise my voice, insult you, swear, or disrespect you.  I was just quiet.  You kept hinting that I should congratulate you for finishing your training, and I didn’t quite feel in the mood to give you the pats on the back that you were fishing for so I didn’t.  I said, regarding the computer, “Fine, I won’t use your stuff.”  YOU  filled in words I NEVER SAID, speaking on behalf of me, saying that I said you couldn’t use my stuff either.  Then you proceeded to react to the words that came out of YOUR mouth as if they were my own, threw a tantrum, drove off, sent me nasty messages saying that I don’t care about anyone but myself.  Stomping down the hallway, yelling, swearing, slamming doors.  You also woke me up several times, even though I was doing nothing but peacefully sleeping since I went to bed to avoid fighting with you.  And if I had woken YOU up….ha.  God only knows what would have happened, and it would have been MY fault, for waking you up.  But somehow your rules don’t apply to you, huh?  This day, I didn’t yell.  I didn’t swear.  I didn’t slam doors.
• The day the power went out, we were lying in bed next to each other and your headset was very loud, as always.  It is hard for me to sleep with noise, but because I didn’t want to set you off, I said nothing and just tried to cover my ear with the blanket.  You noticed and asked what was wrong.  I was afraid to tell you so I said don’t worry about it.  You insisted that I tell you, pretending that you wanted to know because you’d like to address it.  Yet, when I told you, you just got mad instead of compassionate.  I don’t feel that your intention in asking was ever out of concern for me, it seemed like trying to find a reason to be a jerk.  Again.  You turned the headset down and asked if that was better.  It wasn’t, but I said it was okay.  I made a remark about YOUR HEADSET, which you twisted into making it about you so you could excuse your righteous indignation at the imaginary insult.  I just said your headset was weird because most headsets are quiet to the people outside of them, because what’s the point of a headset if everyone else can hear what you’re listening to?  Not wanting to inconvenience you any further, I told you I would leave the room.  Before I even could, you decided to, using only one tiny blanket.  I never told you that you couldn’t have any blankets, nor had I planned on bringing them with me when I was going to leave the room.  You voluntarily chose to leave the room.  It was your decision to cover up in a tiny blanket.  You could have come back in when you were done listening to your pod cast, or grabbed another blanket, or grabbed ALL the blankets and I could have shared with Tristan.  But somehow I’m to blame for your ill-thought out decision, and you’re trying to make me feel guilty that you’re sick now because you were cold.  This day, I didn’t swear.  I didn’t yell.  I didn’t slam doors.
• We got an invitation in the mail to my cousin’s wedding in a month, and I remarked at how soon it was.  You decided to use that opportunity to remind me that (to you) it’s my fault that the wedding didn’t happen, and we could have done it in a month if only I hadn’t been stressing you out, totally unnecessary opportunity to try to guilt, shame, and blame me.  Besides that fact that it’s wildly inaccurate, I was the only one working and your mom didn’t give us the money she said she would, so there was no money at that time nor in the foreseeable future.  I was stressed because we were stuck, I was working 40 hours a week and couldn’t get overtime, and wedding plans couldn’t proceed without cash flow, and somehow to add insult to injury to this day you have continued to blame me and randomly throw in my face whenever the opportunity presents itself that you could have done it if only I hadn’t stressed you out.  Sure.  This day, I didn’t yell.  I didn’t swear.  I didn’t slam doors.
• The next day, we came home from Ema’s and took a nap.  We woke up and you wanted to have sex, we were playing around and having a good time (I thought) then, again, you decide that would be a great opportunity to guilt, blame, and shame me AGAIN.  You’re having some trouble getting an erection, which is fine, I don’t mention it.  If I had mentioned it, it would have been a reason for you to get upset and fight.  And it’s not a big deal.  It happens to everyone, I’m sure.  I have no desire to hurt your feelings so I decide to just go with the flow.  But then YOU mention it, and make sure to remind me that (like everything else that doesn’t work out for you) it’s, surprise, my fault again.  You make sure to tell me that you can’t get it up because of performance anxiety because of the times that I DID mention it, long ago, and then act all surprised when I’m not in the mood anymore.  By this time, I’ve been dealing with your barbs and your insults over and over and over without reacting.  But I’m starting to lose my patience.  And I feel like that’s what you want, because as soon as I react, you’re going to jump into victim mode and magically all of this will have been my fault.  But still, I didn’t yell, swear, or slam doors.
• Last night, you were listening to your headphones and I knew you weren’t feeling well so I decided to sleep in the kids’ room.  Later on, I woke up and figured you probably were done listening to your podcast so I came in and laid next to you, trying to help you feel better.  You were acting mad for some reason, but I brushed it off.  Then all of a sudden, you erupt at me like you’re trying to find any kind of reason to be angry, bringing shit up just to fight.  You said something about your fishing pole, yelling at ME and being nasty to ME even though it had nothing to do with me.  I told you I had handled that situation the way I should have, as well as the situation with Tristan’s chocolate milk, and I didn’t deserve your anger.  You apologized and then started in on me about something else, I think first it was about how you were sick which is in no way my fault at all and I am not taking the blame for your poor decisions.  THEN you started yelling and swearing about how I had dared “complain” as soon as you had come home the night before.  What I had asked you, in a calm and controlled tone, so as to avoid pissing you off yet again, was why some things on your Facebook were shared to all of your friends, and other things were not.  I hadn’t even noticed this until yesterday morning, when you asked if I had seen an article you had shared.  I hadn’t.  When I checked, it wasn’t even visible to me.  Some things were, though.  So I asked, gently, why you shared different things to different people.  You said you didn’t even know that had happened and I sat in absolute silence, terrified of saying the wrong thing.  Even though I was silent, you reacted with anger because you didn’t like the look on my face and you interpreted it to mean something offensive, although I was trying very hard to appear completely neutral.  So then, I looked down, so that my facial expressions couldn’t offend you either.  Yet somehow you still got triggered and angry, so I left the room to watch a comedy show because I didn’t know what else to do at that point that wouldn’t set you off.  So here, in the middle of the night, you’re yelling at me for that even though out of the two of us I had NOT been the mean or disrespectful one.  Then you storm out of the room, yelling and swearing. 
   
  Which I still at this point, HAVE NOT DONE.  You have noticed the tension building and I’ve been more reactive, letting out some of the steam in other situations, but never toward you.  You take this as an indication of my instability so you can blame everything you’ve done on me, because look, you’ve been acting emotional.  Look how you got upset at the Walmart lady, look how you got upset at your mom.  Obviously I’m the crazy one, right?  Wrong.  What you don’t see is all of the emotions I’ve been stuffing in through repeated incident after incident of your mistreatment of me.  Finally they start spilling out and you can’t even recognize why.
   
• I go in the other room, because I’m tired of being your verbal punching bag.  When I try to come back and talk to you, you have an irritated tone to your voice and I interpret that as an indication that you’re upset with me still.  Which, if that was an incorrect interpretation, I apologize for.  Still, though, I choose my tone and my words carefully and say to you in a kind tone, without raising my voice, without swearing, “I’m sorry that you’re not feeling well, but you don’t have to be cranky at me”.  And you (SURPRISE!) go off on me.  Again.  Somehow in this whirlwind of twisting, gaslighting, blaming, mental gymnastics and confusion, everything gets turned around on me.  I go OFF.  I FINALLY lose my cool, although YOU. HAVE. BEEN. DOING. IT. ALLLLL. FUCKING. WEEK.  Almost every day you’re poking, prodding, yelling, swearing, insulting, guilting, shaming.  I have done NONE of it.  And now that I finally go off, just like I predicted, magically everything you have done this week is my fault and I’m just as bad as you, because look, I’m swearing, and I’m yelling, and I’m slamming doors.  I AM NOT FALLING FOR YOUR MANIPULATIVE EVIL DIABOLICAL SHIT.  I know who you are.  I see what you are.  And you’re pathetic.