I don't know what to title this, and I don't know what to put as the picture. I'm just going to start typing. Well, it's another dreary day...SNOW. It's almost May, and there was SNOW this morning. Michigan, I swear. Why do I live here??????
So, I'm trying my very hardest to keep a smile on my face. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I knew I had to replace that headlight and Tristan's counselor was coming to talk to me, so I did it. Not early enough to do yoga, though. I'm hoping I'll do that tonight, I'm 3/3 so far this week. Although all I did on Sunday was surya namaskara a and b. It had been a month, though, so I wanted to ease back in.
We are going to court tomorrow and I'm staying positive about that. What will be, will be. I'm trying very hard to cultivate equanimity, truly being able to accept whatever outcome. There's only so much I can control. What makes me think I know best as to the manner in which life events should unfold? Heavens, if I had been able to control those types of things, my life would be in a sorry state indeed. There was a time that I used to wish on every star that I would stay with Jay (my first love) forever. FOREVER. He grew up to be a meth-addicted woman beater. So, all I can do is be my best in every moment and handle each situation as it arises.
I'm not interested in using Tristan as a pawn in some psychopathic tug-of-war of control. My main concern is for his well-being, and I want for him whatever is in his best interest. I don't want to take him away from his dad, but I will not allow them to take him away from me either. I want us to be a team, I want this to be a cooperative effort. I really hope they don't make me fight, because I will win. But I don't want Tristan to end up the loser in some unnecessary battle. There's no need for it.
Since I'm the one who has been his one constant since birth, and the only one who has supported him financially, and I have him on my insurance, and I pay for his lunch, and I give them money when he stays there, and I take him to his doctor and psychiatrist appointments, then yes. I believe I should be able to make decisions for him that are in his best interest. Of course I welcome feedback and input from his dad and I'm not going to cut him out of his life, but we may be moving to Battle Creek, and Andrew's just going to have to accept it.
*sigh* But speaking of that, still no call back from Spherion. I guess I have to let that one go. I'm trying to remain cheerful, though. Something better must be waiting for me. Or is it? Was opportunity knocking, and did I slam the door in its face? Did I pick the wrong option in the choose your own adventure book? SHIT. Whatever happens, whatever wrong decisions we make, it's never too late to make something awesome out of any situation.
I thought that to myself as I was putting my hair up to do yoga. I smiled in the mirror and thought, "It's never too late to start over." I mean that not only in regards to my yoga practice, but also to my relationship. And to my motherhood. It really is absolutely never too late, but you have to make that first step. You have to TRY.
It's all the little decisions you make in every day, like Legos, that add up and stack on top of each other that eventually create this giant cool Lego structure of CHANGE. Nothing ever happens overnight. This is both a good thing and a bad thing -- it's reassuring to know that you won't likely destroy everything you've built in just one day. However, it's important to note that you can not rebuild everything you've destroyed in one day either. Yesterday, my muscles were so sore I couldn't even touch my toes. The only way to get there is to keep trying.
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