Parenting Boot Camp and Conscious Cleanse

WOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!  Awesome things starting NOW.  It's 1:11, by the way.  :)  So, after a period of discomfort and stagnation following the completion of the last cycle, I am ready to begin a new one with vibrance and optimism.  I am refreshed and renewed and ready to jump back on the wheel!  Okay, that makes me sound like a hamster.  

Anyway, I had a conversation with Sarah and I feel like we've come to an agreement and I'm not worried about this being a tense competition.  I think we all really do just want to help Tristan, and pride and ego have taken a backseat to his well-being.  I'm very glad about it.  He tried to jump over the fence at the end of the school day yesterday and run away.  He told me that the reason was because he thought they were going to take him away from me, and I explained that we are all going to work together.  

Right now, he is with me in the mornings and with them at night.  But, his behavior still could use some improvement and I have to admit that maybe waking him up in the middle of the night isn't the best thing for him.  So, I asked Sarah last night if they would be open to me having him EVERY Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, dropping him off at school Monday before work.  I didn't think she'd agree, but surprisingly, she did!  This will be better for her, too, of course.  Now she doesn't have to wake up in the middle of the night anymore.  Score #1.

Also, this parenting boot camp thing I signed up for starts tomorrow and I am going to fully participate.  There will be homework and discussion every day in the facebook group, and I'm going to do all of it.  I'm very excited about that.  ANNNNNNNNND, I just signed up for this 14 day Conscious Cleanse (it's a yoga/green smoothie challenge) through Gaiam TV.  So, I feel like I'm pressing a reset button on my health as well.  Hey, come to think of it, I think my horoscope said something about that.  What do you know.  :)

And and and and AND!!!!!  The Spherion guy called today!  I thought I blew it, remember?  I thought that ship had sailed.  I told him that I thought I had failed the assessments, and he said, "Quite the opposite!"  I had the fastest typing speed he's seen. (It was only 82 wpm, but I started typing when I was 5 on my mom's typewriter.  She taught me, of course.)  Also, I got 100% on the spelling/grammar (duh) and scored "advanced professional" on Outlook, Excel, and even PowerPoint (which I totally BS'd my way through, because I have never used PowerPoint in my LIFE).  Soooooo he is submitting my resume for the position we talked about, which is in GR and goes til mid-September, and a customer service position in Battle Creek which goes til January and is $18/hour.  This is really happening this is really happening THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!

At first, all I felt was overwhelming excitement.  But then, the thoughts started creeping in.  You know, THOSE thoughts.  Fear of change.  What about this, what about that.  I made myself almost sick with worry.  This is exactly the opportunity I've been trying to manifest -- not only did it come around, but it came BACK after I didn't want it the first time.  What the HELL do I have to complain about NOW?  

Well, I've been at this job almost 2 years.  I've lived at this apartment almost 2 years.  This is a lot of change.  It's change in the direction I am trying to go, though.  And sure, I'm nervous about how Andrew and Sarah are going to feel about Tristan going to school in Battle Creek.  But, I didn't think they'd be okay with me having him every single weekend, and they surprised me there.  So why am I reacting to unfounded assumptions?  Haven't I learned to just take things as they come?  Haven't I seen that things figure themselves out?  Really, how much more perfectly could everything be unfolding?  Would it kill me to just trust the universe for ONCE?  All the worrying I've done up to this point has served absolutely no purpose.  It has accomplished exactly NOTHING.  WHEN WILL I LEARN TO LET THAT SHIT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?????

So, yeah, LIFE.  Things are awesome again.  Well, they're ALWAYS awesome.  Except my car.  I really need to get some work done on that.  And rent, well, I'm behind again because I had to pay that exorbitant fine.  Soooooooo hopefully I'll be able to give Charter 2 weeks notice because then I still get my final commission check, which is over $1,000.  I can get caught up on rent and have my car looked at.  But then, what if I can't find another apartment place that will rent to me?  My credit sucks, I'm always late.  I've been evicted in my (distant) past.  WHY AM I WORRYING AGAIN.  Shut UP, Christine!!!!

Breattttthhhhhhhhhhhe.  PS I am SO IN LOVE WITH JOTH!  Seriously, I think it just keeps getting better and better with time, which is the opposite way that my relationships usually go.  They usually are their very best at the beginning, then deteriorate from there.  This has been completely different.  Sure, we've had challenges and it hasn't always been sunshine and roses, but when the storms pass, things are always BETTER than they were before.  At least for me, I hope he agrees.  I am still learning and growing so much continuously, and this relationship keeps getting better the more we learn about each other and perfect the art of relating to one another.  It helps that we're so similar.  It helps that he's so amazing ;)  YAYYYYYYYY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weary

I don't have a title, I don't have a picture.  I barely even have words, but I'm going to type them.  I'm not...low but I'm not high either.  And I wouldn't really say that where I am is normal, either.  I feel like I'm waiting for something.  I'm the rubber band, having been streeeeeeeeeeeeeetched back, momentarily still...but at any moment...whatever is holding me here is going to let go.  This is not true calm.  This is not actual peace.  This is the part where all of the birds go eerily silent before the storm rolls in.  There's nothing I can DO, because nothing has actually HAPPENED yet.  

And maybe nothing will.  But the more time that goes by that I work until midnight, the longer Tristan goes to his dad's after school, the more I feel as if I am tempting fate and building their own case for them.  On one hand, I should not be afraid.  I'm NOT afraid, I'm just annoyed.  I don't honestly think they would win if they took me to court, why?  Already we have joint custody.  I'm not keeping him from them, and I'm paying for everything.  There is no abuse or neglect, so why would anyone award them full custody?  When they've never been his primary caregivers, ever?  I guess I just worry that since he is there so often, maybe they WOULD.  

I mean, I could send him back to daycare, but they said they'd rather have him go to their house.  And I want Tristan to have equal time with me, so I pick him up when I get out.  Does that make me a bad mother?  Am I being selfish for inconveniencing everyone at 1 AM so I can have breakfast with him and pack his lunch and bring him to school?  

When he stayed there for a couple weeks though, overnight, while we were waiting for his psychiatrist appointment...he didn't shower.  He didn't brush his teeth.  I STILL paid for his lunches and brought over clothes for him.  At least when he's with me, I can make sure he is clean.  

Plus, this shift is supposed to be TEMPORARY.  Why would I want to make a permanent change in custody in response to a temporary change in schedule?  The difficult thing is, though, I don't know WHEN I'll be able to go back on days.  We never know.  We keep getting these voluntary mini shift bids, but if you have progressed past a verbal warning, you are not eligible to participate.  And I'm on a written, and it lasts one year.  I can't wait a year.

Why am I so worried?  Well, I picked up Tristan last night and he said that he overheard Sarah talking to Andrew about taking me to court.  I was incensed.  How DARE you.  I mean, really.  Eight YEARS and never a DIME of child support has been paid.  They have NEVER come to a single conference, class party, or field trip.  They have never brought him to the doctor or the psychiatrist.  He is on my insurance, and I take care of EVERYTHING.  And I ask nothing from them.  As SOON as they think they see an opening, they plot to try to take control and I just KNOW it's because they want ME to pay THEM child support.  FUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT.

Sorry for the negativity.  If we have to go into battle, I will win.  But I am just so exhausted over the past two YEARS of ongoing battle with Blair and Rachel, stress that I never thought I would be free of.  Now it has finally ended and the last thing I want to do is go back out onto the battlefield!  NO!  I just want to be happy, and for my kids to be happy, and for everyone to get along.  I want to let down my guard and breathe deeply.  I want to walk confidently, free of fear and suspicion.  I want to move FORWARD.  I just don't have time to wrap all of my energy up into these spirals of spite and ego.  I don't want it.  I don't want to participate.  I want it DONE.  Please.  I'm just too tired to go another round.  

So, today I didn't get out of bed until...well, a few minutes ago.  I just don't want to face it anymore.  When will it ever stop?  

Ebb and Flow

That is the crystal grid I made today :)  It turns out that I had purchased the exact right number of crystal points from the rock show, it worked out perfectly.  I'll talk more about that in a minute.  Maybe, if I remember.  

Obviously I have not blogged in a little while.  I am just coming out of the worst part of a low.  It's really strange because I don't recall having been hit quite this hard after April last year, so I'm not sure why I had such a low so late in the depression season.  I'm not completely out of it yet, but if it were a fog, I've moved past the most densely compacted thick center and am now working through the smoky haze at the end.  Soon the air will clear.

I've noticed some weird things about depression physiologically.  As we know, it is more difficult for me to orgasm and less satisfying when it does happen.  Also, I can not get enough sleep.  I am extraordinarily tired, all the time.  These things I already knew.  I made another connection at work last night, though.  My standard rate of speech is pretty fast, to match my standard rate of brain activity.  My mouth moves quickly because my mind does.  However, when I hit a low, my brain slowwwwwwwwws dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.  I can't find the right word, I struggle to articulate concepts, and it takes some time to even put a sentence together.  So my brain and my mouth fall out of synch.  

It's like an assembly line, and coming down the belt are thoughts.  Normally, my thoughts are coming down the line fast and furious, so I pick them up as they come and as soon as I've picked one up, another one is ready, and so on and so forth.  An endless stream.  Sometimes, the belt slows down.  But I'm still working just as quickly, so I pick up a thought, spit it out, and turn to grab the next...and it isn't there yet.  I stutter.  Fill in the gaps with meaningless words and sounds.  Flounder for verbiage, flailing as if I am gasping for air.  Feeling dumb.  I sounded like SUCH an idiot on the phone last night.  I'm so used to having the words right there, ready.  They just weren't.

Anyway, so I hit this low I think originally when Joth and I broke up, and I bounced back a little.  I'm not exactly sure when I slipped back down, though.  There was no external event which precipitated it.  It was not triggered, although maybe all of my energy and anxiety going toward court sort of siphoned my joie de vivre.  Court was Thursday and I paid my ticket Friday, so while it's reasonable to assume that those things were sucking my vitality, then why was I still immobilized all weekend and yesterday?  Or was it that, having done the court thing and paid off the ticket, I was finally able to relax?  

Remaining in an anxious state does take quite a bit of energy.  But maybe as self-preservation, I felt that I needed to remain in that state -- a fight-or-flight state -- for my protection.  I had to stay aware, alert, and ready to respond at the drop of a hat.  I couldn't afford to relax.  Then, once I took care of that on Friday, my body must have compensated by slipping into this frozen hibernation state.  

It's different from regular depression in that my mood was fine.  I was not feeling hopeless, suicidal, or even apathetic.  I was happy -- I mean, shoot, I spent the weekend with Joth after not having seen him for like a month!  Maybe 3 weeks.  I don't know, it was a long time.  So, I definitely WAS happy.  I just was sooooooooo so tired.  We slept pretty much the whole weekend.  

I'm thankful that he didn't judge me or push me to be more active than I was capable of at the time.  I feared that I came across as lazy or unmotivated, but sometimes we ebb and sometimes we flow and the sooner we learn to honor our natural rhythm, the better we will be.  And he understands that, which is yet another reason why he's the perfect partner for me.  I love him so much!  

Tristan had a good week last week, with the exception of a rough day on Wednesday.  He is having trouble handling the grief of losing his friend, which is understandable.  He just needs to learn acceptable ways to deal with his feelings.  It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hurt someone because you're angry.  It's okay to be frustrated, but it's not okay to destroy things in response to your frustration.  

Today he had to be picked up from school, though, and I am struggling to stay positive.  I really had all of my hopes pinned on these medications.  I never considered what I would do if they didn't work.  This was the last resort, end of the road.  I never imagined that this, too, would fail.  Or thought past this as to what I would do if it did.  I never thought my son was beyond help -- in fact, I refuse to believe that ANYONE is beyond saving.  But what else do I do?  Then again, WHY am I taking one bad day to mean complete and total failure?  Let's have some perspective here.  It's one day.  I know we all have them.  The thing is, though, for a normal student having a bad day, they don't throw chairs and have to get picked up.  I don't judge him for having bad days, he's allowed to.  But I guess I just hoped that with the medications, his bad days would look more like the bad days of a normal kid.  

Then I look at Baltimore, and these kids rioting in the streets, throwing bricks at police and setting their cars on fire.  Looting the liquor store and, ugh, what a MESS.  I mean, I understand the anger.  I believe the anger is justified.  But, as with Tristan, the expression of that anger goes beyond what is acceptable because now it is putting others in danger.  They say two wrongs don't make a right, and I think logically everyone agrees with that.  But I have sympathy because it reminds me of when Rachel would purposely provoke me by making some dumb-ass comment like putting "your son" in quotations, as if he isn't REALLY my son, knowing that by pushing these buttons eventually I would explode.  And when I did, she would say, "Oh look how emotionally unstable you are.  See, how can you be a good parent if you can't even keep yourself calm.  You're so DRAMATIC."  And it was, again, all still my fault.

It's a popular tool utilized by disordered individuals, I think.  Oppress, oppress, oppress...then judge the oppressed for the inevitable uprising.  The police have unnecessarily killed too many.  The black community feels outraged and helpless.  They don't know how to make it stop but they can not just sit by and watch it continue to happen.  Desperate for some way to communicate their refusal to tolerate such injustice, they resort to the methods we now see blazing on every TV.  Rioting, looting, violence.  

And what do the psychopaths that instigated this rage have to say about it?  "See, look how uncivilized they are.  Black people are so violent." And sure, this is NOT the way to handle it.  But honestly, I feel for them.  It's a no-win situation.  What CAN you do, to make your voice heard?  How CAN you effectively, peacefully stand up for your rights?  Is it a choice between being trampled on or trampling back?  Is there an effective non-violent method which would have any impact?  I don't know.  I don't have the answers.  

Changing Tides

I don't know why I chose that for the picture, because it really isn't relevant to today's topic.  Hmmmm which tarot card would I choose today?  One that means victory, and moving into another phase.  Like, you know, leveling up.  Maybe the six of staves.  In the goddess tarot deck, she is riding a horse with a wreath on her head, so it's both victory and movement in one.  It's not the end, but it's still success.  It isn't finishing and stopping, it's accomplishing and moving forward to accomplish some more.  Passing a checkpoint, if you will.

And today, I am feeling most celebratory.  My internal feelings of starting a new phase are syncing up with external life events which reinforce this feeling.  My subconscious also agrees, signaling this in my dreams.  That's where the title came from, but more on that later.

The eclipse season was warned (or promised) to be one of great transformation.  I made the mistake of thinking that it would begin and end with the new supermoon eclipse equinox, but no.  It was only the beginning.  I at that point made a commitment to be "New Christine", to be more mindful, to do things differently.  Sure, I have slipped a couple of times.  I have been persistent, though, and tenacious.  Now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I started sowing when I finally left Noe 2 years ago.  

See, you can't just CHANGE.  You have to WORK.  You have to recommit to your new life every single day.  You have to get yourself back on track every single time you fall off, and fall off you will.  You have to face your adversaries with courage and determination.  You have to throw yourself 100% into overcoming your obstacles, remaining undeterred no matter how many times you fail, never giving up until it's DONE.  You can't get discouraged when you fail, you can't get too cocky when you succeed.  You must implement and SUSTAIN new healthy behaviors.  The biggest thing I have learned is, if you're not getting what you want out of life, YOU have to go get it.  

For so long, I expected other people to take care of things for me.  I gave up my personal power and put my decisions in the hands of others, as reins, to direct my life as they wished.  Always trusting that others knew the direction I should go, and they would take care of it.  The biggest takeaway for me is no one's gonna do it for you.  You want it, GO GET IT.  My commitment THIS new moon was courage and kindness.  While the eclipse season (now thankfully over) did shake things up, I got exactly what I needed to prepare for the next phase of transformation.  The guardianship was terminated today!  Blair and Rachel are officially out of the picture.  I do have to coparent with Andrew and Sarah, but I feel like this is a new opportunity to take a new approach.  One of cooperation instead of competition.  Working together.  Yeah, Sarah pissed me off at the hearing today (which was not even a custody hearing!) after the CPS guy gave me a glowing recommendation.  He said the house was clean, I have more than adequate financial resources to care for him, we have a strong bond, he's on my insurance, I have plenty of food in my house, he observed him to be happy and respectful, and on and on and on.  

The judge asked if Andrew and Sarah agreed that it would be good to dissolve the guardianship, and WHAT does she say?  "Oh, I happen to know that when her daughter is there, she and Tristan share a room."  Yes, Jewel is here TWO NIGHTS A MONTH.  Your weak pathetic objection makes me laugh, because I remember when Tristan had no bed at their house, and the girls did.  And he slept IN THE GIRLS' ROOM, ON THE FLOOR.  On top of their toys, even.  The gall.  Seriously.  Anyway, since it wasn't a custody hearing, the judge said we could work all of that out between us or with Barry county and then, done.  Guardianship dissolved.  To be fair, I'm sure they were worried that full control would be given to me and I'd take advantage of that and use it to take Tristan away from them.  I would only do that if I felt Tristan was being abused or neglected.  He seems happy, they seem like they are doing a better job, and I would know about second chances.

This is my second chance at a lot of things.  I had to miss my son and know how much I wanted to be a good mother, and work on making changes to allow me to be, before I could get my second chance with that.  I had to miss Joth and understand how integral he is to my life and what mistakes I was making before I could have a second chance to be with him, and do it right.  Just like I missed yoga, and took a month off only to come back with a new commitment and more mindful approach, starting over without the bad habits I had adopted before.  This is a new start in general and I am so thankful for it.  So very grateful.  Tomorrow morning, I'll be paying my fine so I'll be done with the vicious cycle of driving on a suspended license and crap.  I'll be free and clear.  I feel free and clear.  The sky is the limit!  And I'm so thankful for all of this wisdom I've gained.  This round, I think, will go much better.

So, my dream!  I'll end this on that.  Ever since I was little, one of my most terrifying nightmares is of open water.  Big, open water.  It's just that feeling of being helpless, out alone with the waves and the danger and the dark water.  It makes me so uncomfortable that I have often tried to force myself to wake up, desperate to escape it.  I have a lot of water dreams, and usually they are scary.  Maybe this is because I feel like my emotions are scary, that they will destroy me, that I can't control them and they will overtake me.  But last night?  The water was the same.  Big, open, with waves.  The same setting that in every other dream from the time I was a toddler would strike dread and panic in my heart.  

But I was sailing, and I was with Joth.  Usually in these dreams, I am terrified of falling in the water.  If I am on a boat, I am sick with worry about falling in.  We had our sailboats, and I realized that I didn't know how to sail and I really sucked at it, and I kept falling off and the waves were coming and I was underwater but everything was okay.  I was laughing and joking, completely relaxed.  For the first time ever, comfortable in the open water.  I take that as a good omen.  :)

Chin UP, Chin UP...

I don't know what to title this, and I don't know what to put as the picture.  I'm just going to start typing.  Well, it's another dreary day...SNOW.  It's almost May, and there was SNOW this morning.  Michigan, I swear.  Why do I live here??????  

So, I'm trying my very hardest to keep a smile on my face.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I knew I had to replace that headlight and Tristan's counselor was coming to talk to me, so I did it.  Not early enough to do yoga, though.  I'm hoping I'll do that tonight, I'm 3/3 so far this week.  Although all I did on Sunday was surya namaskara  a and b.  It had been a month, though, so I wanted to ease back in.

We are going to court tomorrow and I'm staying positive about that.  What will be, will be.  I'm trying very hard to cultivate equanimity, truly being able to accept whatever outcome.  There's only so much I can control.  What makes me think I know best as to the manner in which life events should unfold?  Heavens, if I had been able to control those types of things, my life would be in a sorry state indeed.  There was a time that I used to wish on every star that I would stay with Jay (my first love) forever.  FOREVER.  He grew up to be a meth-addicted woman beater.  So, all I can do is be my best in every moment and handle each situation as it arises.  

I'm not interested in using Tristan as a pawn in some psychopathic tug-of-war of control.  My main concern is for his well-being, and I want for him whatever is in his best interest.  I don't want to take him away from his dad, but I will not allow them to take him away from me either.  I want us to be a team, I want this to be a cooperative effort.  I really hope they don't make me fight, because I will win.  But I don't want Tristan to end up the loser in some unnecessary battle.  There's no need for it.  

Since I'm the one who has been his one constant since birth, and the only one who has supported him financially, and I have him on my insurance, and I pay for his lunch, and I give them money when he stays there, and I take him to his doctor and psychiatrist appointments, then yes.  I believe I should be able to make decisions for him that are in his best interest.  Of course I welcome feedback and input from his dad and I'm not going to cut him out of his life, but we may be moving to Battle Creek, and Andrew's just going to have to accept it.

*sigh*  But speaking of that, still no call back from Spherion.  I guess I have to let that one go.  I'm trying to remain cheerful, though.  Something better must be waiting for me.  Or is it?  Was opportunity knocking, and did I slam the door in its face?  Did I pick the wrong option in the choose your own adventure book?  SHIT.  Whatever happens, whatever wrong decisions we make, it's never too late to make something awesome out of any situation.

I thought that to myself as I was putting my hair up to do yoga.  I smiled in the mirror and thought, "It's never too late to start over."  I mean that not only in regards to my yoga practice, but also to my relationship.  And to my motherhood.  It really is absolutely never too late, but you have to make that first step.  You have to TRY.  

It's all the little decisions you make in every day, like Legos, that add up and stack on top of each other that eventually create this giant cool Lego structure of CHANGE.  Nothing ever happens overnight.  This is both a good thing and a bad thing -- it's reassuring to know that you won't likely destroy everything you've built in just one day.  However, it's important to note that you can not rebuild everything you've destroyed in one day either.  Yesterday, my muscles were so sore I couldn't even touch my toes.  The only way to get there is to keep trying.

Photosynthesis

Remember what I said about perception?  Case in point, this morning.  It's frightening, almost.  Realizing how much your state of mind can change things.  Coming to understand how your mood significantly alters your reality as you know it.  

Upon realizing that, you begin to question what the REAL reality IS.  Does anyone know?  How many times have I been mistaken?  How many things have I been sure of that turned out to be completely off-base?  What in my reality now is completely different than what I currently believe it to be?  I have a lot of questions, and I fear that I'm no closer to having any answers.  Just a shaky foundation and little to hold onto in the way of comforting agreed-upon unshakable truths.  Everything is up for debate.  Nothing is indisputable.  That should make me feel free, but it doesn't.  I feel lost, floating along in an ocean of uncertainty.

Well, this morning it was gloomy.  It wasn't even so much a lack of lighting, it was something morose in the air.  The heaviness, pressure all around me, immobilizing invisible blankets of darkness.  I couldn't even get up and take a shower.  I called in to work.  I need to get another headlight and I have been putting that off as well, but it is IMPORTANT.  It went out again 2 nights ago, and I can't pay that fine until Friday, and if I get pulled over again I doubt the next cop is going to be so forgiving.  

Even when my headlight was fixed, I can't explain to you the absolute terror and panic I drove home in every night.  I thought that fixing the headlight would put my mind at ease, but it didn't.  I still knew my license was suspended, and my heart would start beating like a hammer in my chest every time a car was behind me.  Furtive glances in the rearview, attempts to determine whether it was a cop, holding my breath, trying to think positive affirmations.  The longer the car would stay behind me, the higher my anxiety would raise.  The other night, a car was behind me so long that when it finally turned down a street, I burst into tears.  

I can't live like this.  What is this constant high level fear DOING to me?  It can't be anything good.  Vibrating at that frequency every single night can not be contributing to any type of good, or manifesting anything I want.  I just can't make it stop, though.  I can't NOT drive.  That's not an option.  What else can I do?  

I feel like a fucking fugitive, just trying to go to and from work to take care of my family and bring my sleeping child home to put him in bed.  With the jails as full as they are, and there being enough violent offenders and actual criminals on the streets, why should I be fearing incarceration?  Why should I be living my life on the run, as if I've escaped from prison for some heinous crime?  I'm hoping this is one of those things that future generations look back on and think, what the hell were they THINKING?  This is not good for morale.

Anyway, I was texting Joth and everything felt wrong.  Of course, I thought it was him.  He is losing interest in me, he is mad at me, I did something wrong, he doesn't want me to come there, he wants to be with someone else.  I was so convinced of these things.  It was real.  But now, the sun has come out and I've had some espresso and magically all of that has changed.  What does that tell me?  Did all of those "truths" suddenly reverse?  Or were they never truths to begin with?  How much of what I accept as truth is just fear, very cleverly masquerading as fact?  But if I dismiss it all as fear, will some actual imperative truth slip by my notice?  If I am not hypervigilant, will I be taken for a fool?  

That thinking, though, is coming from the belief that everyone is just waiting for an opportunity to screw you over, and you must keep your guard up at all times because as soon as you let it slip, someone's getting in there and stabbing you in the back.  Why would I want to live that way?  It's like that with the cops, though.  I really feel like they sit there, parked on the side of the road, stalking the passersby for any flaw, any weakness, any vulnerability, any opening in which to weasel in to pull them over and exploit for money.  Serve and protect?  I've seen too many videos lately to believe that anymore.  Who are we kidding.  They are here to exert with force and brutality the will of the powers that be, serving and protecting only their own interests.

I'm sorry that this is so negative.  My mood has turned around enough to go get the headlight, the sun is out and I've been properly caffeinated.  I was supposed to finish my phone interview for this temp job with Kellogg's this morning, but the guy never called me.  I am beating myself up because I blew it.  He called me last week and my phone died partially through the interview, and I never called him back.  I ignored his call the next day because I was depressed over losing Joth and I didn't care about anything.  Now that I have my wits about me, I tried to get back in contact with him but I think it's too late.  A missed opportunity.  It was perfect -- $18/hr, first shift, weekends off, in Grand Rapids for 3 months.  And it was for KELLOGG'S, which is also in BATTLE CREEK, which is where ideally I will BE in 3 months.  I failed so bad it hurts.  

But hey, I did yoga yesterday!  I can feel it, in every single muscle in my body.  It feels good.  Do your practice, and all is coming -- so I will do my practice, and I will have faith, and I will have courage, and everything will be okay.

Perception

Sometimes, when a concept gets reduced to a saying, it loses its meaning.  You hear it repeatedly, and you THINK you understand what it means -- and on a surface level, you comprehend it.  But when you truly GET it, when you experience something that puts it in a new perspective and sheds light on the wisdom behind the words -- when you can relate to their meaning emotionally -- only then does it become significant.

And that's what's hard, because you want to share this newfound understanding with EVERYONE.  So, you post this quote.  Thinking it will touch them, penetrating all of their layers and embedding this deep mystical insight within their consciousness like it has yours.  But it won't.  Because it isn't the words that touched you that way, was it?  Haven't you read that same quote a thousand times before without the words really meaning what they do to you now, now that you've had the experience?  Now that you FEEL the meaning?

It's kind of what Gregg Braden says about prayer.  Things are so much more powerful when coupled with emotion.  Energy.  Energy in motion -- E-MOTION.  He says that reciting the words, verbalizing, it's an incomplete effort.  To truly catalyze the real magic, you must FEEL what it is you want.  You must match your vibration to the vibration of the thing you are trying to manifest.  Anyway, I got way off track.  This is going to be a novel if I take three paragraphs to explain every sentence I write.

What I was trying to say is that I completely understand what is meant by, "We don't see things the way THEY are, we see them the way WE are".  And, along with that, the one I included at the top.  "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change".  Both indicate that perception is everything.  It shapes our experience.  It is so true that whatever we believe things to be, becomes our reality.  Good or bad.  So, you know, over the past however many entries, I've been focusing on what's WRONG.  And I know better.  Don't I understand that we magnify whatever we focus on?  Why would I then actively choose to focus on PROBLEMS?  

I was just so frantic.  I was convinced that if only I obsessed enough over what was wrong, I could find it, and fix it.  I picked apart Joth, finding every fault.  What's wrong with him?  I picked apart myself and hit the mother lode, convincing myself I was an inverted narcissist, borderline, avoidant personality disorder, codependent, along with the bipolar and ADD I was already aware of.  That led me to dissecting every member of my family and my childhood.  I found so many problems, but did I find any solutions?  Maybe excuses, but nothing empowering.  Nothing that would get me where I wanted to be -- happy, and healthy.  If I want to figure out how to be healthy, would it make sense to obsess over all of the unhealthy things I am doing?  That's time I'm wasting that I could be using DOING HEALTHY THINGS!  Duh.  Wayne Dyer even says that flying was not invented by contemplating staying on the ground.  It's so true.

First of all, I'm so madly, passionately in love with Joth.  Never have I ever met someone in my life that I connect with so well, who understands me like he does, whom I have as much in common with.  But in a second, a fright-fueled panicked second, I blocked all of that out, zeroed in on the "bad", and took my chance to run.  Fear doesn't ever do me any favors.  I thought about this today.  I was so worried about WHY he didn't want me to come with him, that I invented this story in my head that he must have wanted to be single so he would be free to do whatever.  And the thing is, sure, that's a POSSIBILITY.  One of a zillion in the world.  I can't prove one way or another what the actual motivation was (if there even was one).  I will never know.  So why assume the worst?  He doesn't.  Does it help if I do?  Do I think that, if he was contemplating cheating, that me preemptively accusing him of WANTING to is going to prevent that from occurring?  

I thought about last weekend.  He never once, even now that we're back together, acted concerned or anxious about whether I had done anything with anyone else.  He never has.  And because of that, I feel respected and I choose to honor the gift of trust he has given me and I just don't.  Even though we weren't together last weekend, and I was naked with two other girls, and sleeping next to my ex boyfriend, I did nothing.  Never wanted to.  My heart belongs to Joth, and it always will, no matter what pretense of running away I might want to enact.  Yesterday, my brother in law's brother (oh, this could be confusing.  My sister Heather's husband Matt's brother Troy) added me on Facebook and asked if I wanted to hang out sometime.  

I'm a big girl and I can handle my business, I decided it wasn't a good idea even if it only IS as friends because why go there.  Would it have helped matters any if Joth had been like, "Who's Troy?  Do you want him?  Did you fuck him?  Why did you add him?"  NO.  Yet, somehow I thought that doing that type of shit to Joth before he went to Arizona was somehow a good idea.  He trusts me.  It's time to trust him.  Especially since he's never given me any reason not to.

This breakup was scary because I thought maybe it was for real this time.  I didn't mean for it to be, in the heat of the moment I said something I knew I would regret.  That wasn't what I wanted and then it was like pushing this giant destructo button that I couldn't disarm.  Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hate when that happens.  But of course, I had too much pride to say I didn't mean it.  Because what if he DID?  Anyway, I could go on for pages about what happened, but we're back together and thank god because I don't want to imagine life without him.  As all things do, though, this separation served its purpose.  It helped me to see things more clearly, to realize how much I missed him and how much he meant to me, and to understand how important it is to not just impulsively throw away something forever in one irrational moment.  Yesterday was the new moon, and I'd like to look at this as a new start for us.  I will not give up.  And from now on, I'm going to focus on what's RIGHT.  

Fallout

Today, I am drinking my espresso made with the Cafe Bustelo grounds.  What a difference!  It's a much more fine grind, and it tastes divine with a little cinnamon vanilla creamer.  Mmmm.  

I'm going to make more of those scones this weekend, a double batch this time.  I'm giving some to Seth for his massage  table.  Good news!  I may have mentioned  this already, but the past life regression got rescheduled to NEXT weekend, so I'll be able to go!  Coincidentally (sychronistically) the girl Annie who led the Goddess Tarot weekly class when I was 21 also reached out to me and asked if I wanted to go to the psychic fair at the spiritualist church with her this weekend.  I can't, because I have the kids.  But I DO have an extra ticket for the past life regression meditation, so I asked her if she wanted to go.  She said yes!  This will be so fun!  

Annie led the bellydancing class I took, the tarot class, she attuned me to the first level of Karuna reiki (which I have never used), and was part of the "coven" we tried to start back in the day.  It was COSM -- Circle of the Sacred Moon.  We also had COSMIC -- Circle of the Sacred Moon Intuition Circle.  I was so excited about all of that, and I absolutely loved gathering for rituals.  I loved the sense of community, the feeling of belonging.  It was a small, intimate circle.  I always got to call East, because I'm an air sign.  We were all so close.  Then, the two leaders (Annie and John) got married, the circle drifted apart, and they got divorced.  C'est la vie.  Shit happens.  

Anyway, Annie is going through some mental health stuff which I am curiously observing.  She was diagnosed with bipolar and ended up getting lithium poisoning.  Through a lot of therapy and follow up, it turns out she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  And it's funny that I should mention that, because this morning when I woke up I was rapidly vacillating between feeling so in love like I miss him so much, and feeling so angry and hating him so much that he couldn't be who I thought he was.  This is black and white thinking.  It was that way all through our relationship -- either I adored him, beyond ordinary human standards, revered him as some otherworldly divine being -- or I hated him, and he was all that was wrong with the world (and with men), a horrible and loathsome lying snake.  I know that this in itself is not healthy.  I did uncover that issue, though, and will work to fix it.

PS I know I said I was done talking about this.  I LIED.  Because only since last night do I finally feel it.  I kept my heart locked up tight for days, and finally relaxed and opened it up again last night.  Feeling like, well, it has been 5 days...I think the coast is clear.  BAM.  Like a punch to the throat.  I think I am dying.  I couldn't even get out of bed this morning.  I did, obviously.  Only because my phone rang.  At that moment, though, I planned to blog but the only words I could muster were, "I can't".  Then espresso happened.

Oh anyway, so I googled "I Hate You Don't Leave Me".  I knew that was an actual book, and that pretty well described the state I was in this morning.  It turns out, it's about Borderline Personality Disorder.  Hmmm, coincidence.  No, I am NOT about to start obsessively researching BPD, trying to figure out if THAT'S what I have.  What does it matter?  Why don't I focus on what's GOOD?  

How about this.  Those verbal rages I used to have?  I did not do that ONCE with Joth.  This is such an achievement for me.  I realized that when I highlighted one part of an article about lashing out verbally, finding the other person's vulnerability and attacking mercilessly, only to be followed by silence and regret.  I couldn't tell you how many times in my life that has happened.  It's like a demon overtakes me, spewing vitriol through my mouth, while the other me stands helplessly inside myself begging it to stop.  Unable to.  Then, when it's over, it's just me...left to clean up the mess, apologize, and pick up the pieces.  It's awful.  But anyway, I didn't DO that!  

Another thing I didn't do?  I didn't talk shit about him to anyone.  All of those things I blogged, the issues that had been bothering me?  I never shared those concerns with a single soul.  That may not seem like such a big deal, but that was something I used to ALWAYS do.  I couldn't help it.  If I was upset with someone, without fail I'd spill all our business to anyone who would listen.  How they had lied or they never hung up their towel the right way or how they stepped on my toe this morning and I'm never speaking to them again.  So, no.  This relationship didn't last.  But I am a better person on the other side of it.  If I had known in the beginning that it wasn't permanent, would I have tried so hard?  Would it have meant so much?  Would I have learned the same lessons?  Probably not.  Everything happened exactly the way it was meant to.

But I'm sad.  The thing is, I made that post about all the concerns I had.  They are still valid.  I'm not saying I wish I hadn't done it.  But I AM saying I wish I had been kinder.  Let's be honest, I made it public on purpose.  Because even though I was not mean when I broke up with him, he still unfriended me.  I acted like I didn't care, but it cut deep.  6 months with this person, this person who understood me like no other.  The bond I thought we had -- to just as swiftly sever all ties, as if it meant nothing?  Where have I been for the past 6 months?  I almost feel like it must have been a dream.  That dream I used to have, that hauntingly repetitive dream about finding the one person in the universe who understands me...and at the end of the dream, every time, I end up searching for them and calling out their name, feeling empty and alone.  This is that part.  But it's real life.  

So anyway, I hurt.  A lot.  And I made it public because I wanted to hurt him back.  To show that I didn't care if he didn't want to be my friend anymore.  But I do.  Did I mess up?  Does it matter anymore?  I was going to talk about the dream I just had but I clicked "Preview" and this entry is already super long already.  

Basically I went to a party at Joth's house and April (my reiki sister) and this girl I didn't know named Heidi were there.  Heidi was Joth's ex.  (Not in real life, my brain invented her).  Anyway, she and I were chatting and she said something about "I know he has his yoga class at 8 every morning, but..."  and I was like, woah, WHAT yoga class?  According to him, he doesn't even roll out of bed until like 1pm.  If he's up at 8, why the hell isn't he calling ME?  So we started comparing notes and found out he had been lying to both of us.  

Then, I confronted April and asked if she had dated him in the past and she said yes.  I asked her if he had lied to her, and she started telling me about some of the outrageous lies.  I couldn't believe it.  This person I thought I knew.  So, I went outside where he was near a clothes line (I think).  It was a little damp outside, not quite rainy, but not sunny.  Like it had just rained.  The other two girls were watching me, expecting me to break up with him.  I marched out there with righteous indignation.  But then I was overcome with this powerful lust.  I mean, hypnotic.  My signals were scrambled.  

And the thing is, as I analyze this dream, I think it was the fact that he WAS a liar, and that he had played us women, THAT in itself that turned me on so much.  WHY?  Now that I knew he was "bad", I was just desperate to fuck him.  So I told him I didn't care.  I didn't care if he lied, I didn't care if he slept with other people, I only wanted him to agree to have sex with me and I would stay.  What the everloving FUCK?  

I did ask him why he lied.  He said that it was just entertaining to him to create different realities.  I was satisfied in knowing that it wasn't personal.  I guess I just needed to be convinced that he loved me, and then it was all good.  Then we were all at the dinner table, and he was sitting across from April and I.  I had come back in, barely dressed, leaves in my hair, damp all over from the rain on the grass that I had been tumbling in moments prior.  I was staring at him with that consumed, starry-eyed obsession.  It was like it was contagious.  I watched April's expression change as she looked at him too and I knew he had her under his spell also.  I wasn't mad.  I just looked at her and said, "I KNOW, right?"

I used to have these fantasies about vampires.  I don't know what's so hopelessly erotic about being consumed, knowing that you are being used to satisfy someone's selfish means.  I don't know why that translates over into every situation where I am controlled or overpowered.  What is the biological purpose for this?  And how can I ever have a healthy relationship with a normal individual if the only thing that really turns me on is being dominated?  Ugh.  I am so hopeless.

He Loved Me, He Loved Me Not...

Do you like my new merkaba pendulum?  I got it at the gem and mineral show.  It was the last one, and I was walking by just as the guy was finishing making the price tag for it.  I told him it was meant to be mine, and in fact, it was.  I was looking at these exact pendulums online, and I just couldn't decide between amethyst, rose quartz, or citrine.  I must have called it out into reality...love when that happens.  :)

Anyway, I apologize for the obsessive fixation over the past few days about lamenting the loss of what I believed to be the perfect love and picking myself apart to determine the cause of my repeated failures.  I don't think it's completely out of my system yet, but blogging is helping me process it all.  Especially because now, there is truly no one I talk to.  I mean, yes, on a superficial level...but I have no one with whom I share my dreams and sorrows.  

Very few are the ones permitted to enter those inner chambers, and more often than not are swiftly ejected no sooner than they've been admitted.  In that way, I AM like a narcissist.  I am not comfortable having someone in my life who has seen the inside.  Beneath the surface.  Once the illusion of worthiness has been shattered, and they see how flawed I am, I can no longer be at ease in their presence because I fear that intimate knowledge of my inner self will lead to rejection.  At the same time, though, it gets so lonely having only superficial friendships and acquaintances kept at arms length.  This bubble of protection leaves me untouched and unsatisfied.  Ugh.  Enough obsessing.

So ANYWAY, Tristan had an awesome day yesterday!  This is really, really, REALLY great.  3 days in a row, not just okay, not just good, but AWESOME!  I had no idea that medication could make so much of a difference.  I feel vindicated.  How long has my entire family clung to the belief that the root of everything wrong with Tristan is bad parenting on my part?  I begged Rachel to put him in counseling like they promised once he went to live there.  She haughtily sent some reply that said something to the effect of, "He doesn't need counseling because he only had problems since you're bad at parenting, and now that he lives with us and we are perfect at this (and at everything) there will be no need for counseling."  It wasn't that dramatic, but honestly, that's pretty much what she said.  My mother used to sing that song, too.  I got so sick of family gatherings where I'd walk in on a whispered gossip session between Rachel, my mom, and my sister -- discussing how bad I suck at parenting.

Really!  I'm not THAT bad!  I may be too permissive, but I LOVE my children, and I'd do anything for them!  It seems, though, that no matter what I do for the sake of my children, my family always has a reason to bitch and to say it's not good enough.  I remember when Rachel tried telling me I didn't do anything for Tristan, and I pointed out that I had been to every single class party and every field trip that year.  She THEN criticized me because I "could have at least made cookies".  When I said that I had no idea there was an expectation for me to bring cookies, she replied like the superior bitch that she is "Well.  We can't tell you how to be a mother."  Yes, mostly because you yourself have no fucking clue how to be one either.  Bitch.

Sorry.  I'm purging a lot of negativity right now and just letting it flow out, because I intend to reset this weekend on the new moon and move forward, leaving all this crap behind me.  But back to my original point, I must admit that I DO take a certain pleasure in proving everyone wrong.  I KNOW that when they sent Tristan to live with me again, they were eagerly anticipating a train wreck.  Nothing pleased them more than the idea of watching me fail.  They relished the thought of me falling flat on my face while they feigned concern.  Like when I used to call him when he lived at their house, and of course he's such a busy kid that he never wanted to slow down to talk on the phone.  I'd get a phony-ass giggle from her and a sound of embarrassment and fake concern.  "Gee, I don't know WHY he doesn't want to talk to you!"

I email his teacher every day to see how Tristan is doing, and this morning when I got the email about yesterday that said, "HE DID AWESOME!!!", I noticed that it was also sent to Rachel.  Hahahaha, that nosy bitch, I'm sure SHE also checks in with his teachers only to reassure her inflated ego that Tristan is doing horribly and it is all because of me.  I noticed that whenever Tristan would have a bad day, almost as if my mother could sense it, I'd get a message from her on Facebook with total transparent fake concern that would say, "Hey!  How's Tristan doing in school?  I miss him!"  Acting like she didn't know, when I'm sure she already did.  Just loving the idea of forcing me to tell her he had a bad day.  Even now, though, when I tell her he's having great days since starting the medication, she still can't be happy for me.  She still has to find a way to dig at me, one last time.  Telling me that learning better parenting skills is the best thing I can do for him.  Would you stop harping on that shit, mom?  And WHY are you so hung up on convincing me, yourself, everyone that I'm such a bad mother?  Wouldn't you think that would reflect badly on you?  After all, where did I LEARN my parenting skills?

Oh, wait.  That's just it.  It's because I was determined to not make the same mistakes my parents did, not to dominate and control, and this different approach to parenting in her mind MUST fail because if I was successful, it might indicate that HER way was wrong.  She is happy about my failure because it proves that she made no mistakes.  She must cling tight to the idea that her way is the only right way.  I kind of feel sorry for her.

I'm sure that all of this is very boring to anyone who may be reading it, but I've discovered so much about myself throughout this process.  Oh!  So, the title.  I was using my pendulum in my car and asked it, "Did Joth ever love me?" and it answered yes.  "Did he love me the way I loved him?"  Yes.  But then, "Will he always love me?"  No.  "Will I always love him?"  Yes.  Well this one is clearly broken.  I think it needs to be taken in for repair.  

I will leave you with one more thing I encountered during my research, and then moving forward, no more looking backwards and dwelling on my childhood, my past, my heartbreak, or my failures.  Both eyes ahead.  

Family Dynamics

The Narcissistic Family System

In this concept, there are three roles, the narcissist, who acts as the 'definer of reality' or 'font of truth', the golden child, and the black sheep. The narcissist is the self-appointed sole authority on what is 'right' and 'good.' The golden child can do no wrong, the black sheep can do no right. Identical actions are treated differently depending on which child is doing it. The black sheep can specialize in either 'misbehavior' or 'failure and inadequacy' but his or her function is the same. In a nutshell, the idealized self-image of the narcissist is projected onto the golden child, and the disowned shame and faults are projected onto the black sheep. This replicates an internal split in the narcissist.

Black sheep, if not driven crazy, tend to go on to become very empathetic, while golden children, without necessarily going on to be narcissists themselves, tend to struggle with empathy. Sometimes the black sheep is a child and the 'golden child' is a grandchild, or vice versa. Narcissists often will try to 'take over' a nephew or niece or grandchild or grand-nephew or -niece to create this system. This can play out in a work-group of course. 

I think it's clear which one is the black sheep.

Addiction

We all remember that scene, don't we?  He just can't stop, even though it is hurting him.  The pain of withdrawal from anything may seem unbearable, but it's nothing compared to the long term damage the addiction can do to your life.  Suffer withdrawals, or lose your arm?  What would you give up just to delay the discomfort of being separated from your drug of choice?  What would you endure to stave off the confrontation of the feelings you are trying so desperately to bury beneath the haze of whatever addiction you are layering over them?  Do they ever stay buried?  You run away from the pain right into the arms of something which will surely kill you.  And I don't just mean drugs.

I've confronted some hard truths lately about myself, and about my family.  I'm not here to sling mud.  I recognize that the only person I have any hope of changing is myself, and I have enough problems to focus on without diverting attention to the problems of others, making excuses, or placing blame.  I was thinking about that last night.  I don't think I realized how really super intensely upset and hurt I was about the books.  You know the books.  The ones that were sent anonymously to my ex-husband's house...addressed to "Christine Colter-Lyon-Hunt-Monterrosas-Ortiz....Kacos"  "You May Be A Narcissist If..." "Loving the Self-Absorbed" "Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality".  

Why does it bother me?  I'm not too proud to admit I have problems, and I'm thankful if people bring them (gently) to my attention so that I have an opportunity to address them.  I don't think the intention of sending these books to me was to help, though.  I think it was passive aggressive judgement.  Criticism.  A way to wound me on purpose.  It stung.  I felt judged, less than, not good enough.  I felt like there was someone out there who really saw me this way, and I must have done something really horrible to leave  that kind of impression in someone's mind.  I must have failed someone.  What kind of person could I be if they think this about me?  The worst part, though.  I can't figure out if it was my mom or my dad, but I know that these books originated from a family member.

WHY does that irritate me so much?  First of all, they left themselves anonymous, so I have no opportunity to respond, seek to understand, or defend myself.  And even though I KNOW, in my heart, that it was one of my parents...I can't prove it.  So if I go ranting at them about it, I look like the crazy one.  The paranoid one.  They'll deny it, and I'll make a fool of myself.  Even though I know.  But the worst part is this -- HOW THE FUCK DO THEY THINK NARCISSISTS ARE CREATED?  Um, pot, MEET KETTLE.  Tree, apple.  If I AM a narcissist -- do they think this magically happened?  The origins are in CHILDHOOD.  Your motherfucking PARENTS.  So that would be like my mother slicing me across the face with a butcher knife, leaving a scar.  Then sending me, anonymously, a mocking photograph of my disfiguration -- which she GAVE me -- with "Scarface" or some other insult scrawled across it.  YOU GAVE ME THIS.  Now you ridicule me for it.  How fucking DARE you.

And I'm not upset that they screwed up.  It's a cycle, which I am well aware that I am unfortunately in the beginning of continuing with my own children.  I can't change what happened.  My parents can't take it back, and neither can their parents.  What's done is done.  So where does my power lie now?  In breaking the cycle.  I will not leave the same scar on my children, rendering them unable to have meaningful relationships, afraid of love for the rest of their lives.  I don't want this for my children.  This impossibility of getting close.  This aversion to vulnerability.  This agonizing outsider-ness, this breaking of your own heart.

I don't know what I have, or what's wrong with me, or why I can't be happy.  I don't know what's real and what's not.  What's paranoia and what's intuition.  What's giving up and what's protection.  What comes from fear and what comes from wisdom.  Who really cares and who never will.  I am locked, trapped, in this endless fruitless cycle.  And do I blame my parents?  NO.  They did the best they could.  They only did what they know.  How could I be upset, when my own child is on a path to be ten times MORE fucked up because of ME?  It. Needs. To. Stop.  But I must admit, it really burns inside being judged by them.  My own parents.

Haven't I had enough of this?  This ridicule, this not good enough, this criticism, this tearing down, this shutting out?  They have plotted against me behind my back to try to take my son.  (My mom, Blair, and Rachel).  My mom helped pay for that lawyer.  I saw the forms they signed that said I was still in an abusive relationship when I was not.  I heard my mom lie to me, even though I KNEW the truth and I begged her to be honest.  She still could not.  I have endured the gaslighting from my mother, seeing something with my own two eyes only to be told it didn't happen, like when Tristan was being a brat and she grabbed his foot and squeezed, and I SAW it, and he CRIED, and he TOLD me she had done it and she only looked me right in the face and told me IT DIDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN.  Can you believe this????  Then I go on to date these guys who do the same goddamn thing, all this crazymaking, what the hell did I do to deserve this?  I have listened to my mother call me a whore at age 13 simply because I expressed an interest and natural curiosity for sex. 

And my father?  I have gone two years without even being acknowledged by him, because I was dating a guy who didn't treat me right.  Tell me how much sense THAT makes.  You love your daughter so much that you'll cut her out of your life like she doesn't exist for making a choice you don't agree with?  I don't buy it!  It was more as punishment, to teach me a lesson for dare defying his edicts for my life.  I have had my own father walk past me in a room as if I weren't even there.  To look right through me, as if I were an apparition.  To jet outside of my house like his ass was on fire to avoid hugging me, only to look out my window to see him in the driveway hugging my sister.  

I see it in my mother.  I see it in my father.  I see it in my brother, and especially his wife.  I don't see it in my sister, but she went the opposite direction -- being my parents' cherished, obedient, "good" one.  She did what they wanted.  She made them look good.  I sat on the bed in Mackinac Island while my mom sat on the other side of my sister and asked Stephanie to take a picture of just the two of them, oblivious to the fact that her other daughter was RIGHT THERE, completely ignoring me.  And no, she never took a picture with just me.  Look:

And you wonder why I feel rejected, and unlovable, and worthless.  And you wonder why I go on to seek relationships with those who can not love me.  What else do I KNOW?

Out of Alignment

I have a big day today!  I'm going to drop off Tristan's application at the Child Discovery Center -- the Emilia Reggio school I was talking about before.  I knew in my heart we wouldn't be moving to Battle Creek.  Isn't it weird how you can be in the process of making plans for something, while at the same time realizing on some subconscious level that you will not actually end up doing that thing?  Like Peace Fest, last year.  I just had the feeling I wouldn't be there.  Even though I bought the tickets, and I took the time off work, so there was no reason for me to think I wouldn't go.  But I always knew I wouldn't be there, I just felt it.  I had no way  to predict the events which led to me not going, but intuition is crazy that way sometimes. 

When I heard about this school, I got a good feeling.  Everything seemed to be lining up perfectly, especially when Asia said she could get me into the coop.  Haha, when I read that, it looks like coop, like chicken coop.  I should probably have used a hyphen.  Co-op.  There, better.  BAWK!  Anyway.  I can see this happening.  It feels good to me.  Anyway, today is the last day to register for next year so I'm doing it!  I also need to get an alignment on my car.  Shy said that it seems like something bearing tie rod I don't fucking know, but I DO know it sounds scary because a broken tie rod was what caused  the accident I almost died in, so I guess I should get that checked out.

If  there's one thing I learned being with Joth -- hell, I learned a LOT of things -- but there is no coincidence, everything can be a metaphor for something else.  Like with the car  thing -- I had no contact in my left eye, and my left headlight kept going out.  No shit.  I just replaced it, and I also replaced my contacts, so I think we're good to go for a while.  But now the damn thing is out of alignment.  Hmmmmm.  What could THAT mean?  So, I can take the car to a shop to get that fixed.  But how do I realign MYSELF?  I guess getting back to yoga would be a good start.  I should really give meditation another go as well.  Healthy eating, smoothies, more reading?  Lots of time outside.  Laughing, playing, smiling, singing.  I think I'll be okay.

OOOOOH!  So Tristan had a SUPER AWESOME day yesterday!!!!  He got one of those big math sheets with like 400 problems on it  that used to freak him out (and honestly I don't blame him, it made ME squeamish just to look at it) and he said he didn't get frustrated, he "kicked that math in the booty" and only got ONE wrong!!!  He told me that he is thankful for his medicine.  I could just cry right now.  I feel really bad waiting so long.  I also feel like a failure for not being able to help him do this WITHOUT drugs.  But I'm not saying there's anything wrong with his brain, there isn't!  And I love him just  the way he is.  But if there are tools available to make it easier for him to focus, we're all happier.  In a perfect world, no, he wouldn't need them.  I don't like having to use  them.  But I like his happiness, his success, his confidence.  It's so worth it.  

It makes me wonder.  I've been working so hard at managing bipolar without medication.  I see how much of a difference these pills have made in my son.  Is it possible that MY life could become that much easier if I treated MY condition?  But, I've done that before.  I already know the answer because I'm doing the best I've ever done in my life, and from age 15 to age 30 I was on meds the majority of the time.  Anyway, I was doing my obsessive googling last night, playing armchair psychiatrist.  That's one of my favorite games, researching mental illness.  

I have learned so much by doing that, and it all pretty much comes back to Mexican food.  It's all the same ingredients, just arranged differently.  I might have bipolar and someone else might have NPD and someone else might be ADHD and when you start to compare all of these different things, it becomes difficult (if not impossible) to distinguish what belongs where.  There is so much overlap.  So, you might have a burrito and she might have a chimichanga and I might have a taco, but we all have the same main ingredients.  It all boils down to a tortilla and meat.  Maybe you have cheese and she has lettuce and I have green sauce and you both have red sauce.  But at the heart of the issue, we're all the same.  It's just the way the pain manifests in our individual personalities that differentiates us.

SOOOOOOOOOOO, I think I found it.  Remember how I said I was reading through the books on narcissism, and I just didn't fit the profile.  At times, yes, I do some of those things and I freely admit it.  But I don't enjoy  the spotlight, I don't brag or exaggerate my accomplishments, and I definitely do not lack empathy.  I can, however, turn it OFF when other people's pain becomes too overwhelming.  It's a coping mechanism.  If, for example, I know that I need to leave a relationship but it is hurting the other person for me to break up with them, well, I could never leave if I didn't have the ability to tune out their pain.  If my child is hurting and I need to be on top of my game to help him or her, I need to shut out their suffering and get down to business.  Otherwise, how would I function?  Flooded with the sorrow of others?  I'm no good to anyone if I'm immobilized by their pain, am I?

Anyway, so I came across this article.  It was about the INVERTED NARCISSIST.  It was depressing, but encouraging.  I could absolutely see myself in almost every bullet point.  The encouraging part?  Some of the characteristics used to apply, and they no longer do.  This tells me  that NO ONE is hopeless.  People CAN change, even a personality disorder like narcissism which everyone thinks is incurable.  It's not true, because I have worked hard and overcome many of the things I used to struggle with.  So this is incentive to keep moving forward and "kick this mental illness' booty".  I'm not where I want to be, but I'm closer than I was.  If I choose to, I can allow every experience to be an opportunity for growth.  Here's an excerpt from the article:

The only thing that doesn't really apply anymore is the envy.  I have learned to be happy with my life, and what I have, and to be grateful.  There will always be something I don't have, someone who looks like they have it better, and I have learned that we all have struggles and blessings.  There is someone who would love the life I have, and I try to cherish it every day without thinking about what I long for.  Also, my self-esteem has improved, a lot.  

At the core, though, there still remains the shadow of a ghost of a whispering voice chanting repeatedly that I am nothing, I am worthless, I am not good enough, and no one could ever love me...not if they really knew me.  It is this, I believe, more than anything which sabotages my relationships.  It even said the IN reacts unfavorably to attention and compliments, because they threaten her belief that she is inferior and causes cognitive dissonance.  

The worst part, though, is that the IN will only date a narcissist.  She is incapable of feeling loved by a non-narcissist.  And I guess that's true, because the overkill of the idealization feels like REAL love to me.  And I'm addicted to that, and the intensity is reassuring.  My sense of self-worth is a direct reflection of my partner's assessment of my worth.  When I am idealized by them, I feel like I am okay.  When I start to become devalued, I feel despair.  It always feels like, oh, now that they know who I really am, they can no longer love me.  This always happens to me, because deep inside the person I really am is unlovable.  That is why they stopped loving me, because now  they know who I really am, and I am not worthy of love.

There have been people -- normal(ish) people -- who have loved me before.  I couldn't feel it, though.  I wasn't able to feel the love, because they didn't show it like a narcissist does.  I read that a narcissist/inverted narcissist relationship is symbiotic.  The narcissist needs supply (ego stroking), and the invert feeds off of the narcissist's dependence on their supply.  And I see that.  It's how I feel about sex -- the enjoyment of sex, for me, is never in what I feel.  It's how much pleasure my partner is feeling.  Which is why I cry if my partner doesn't orgasm.  Why I feel worthless when he or she doesn't seem into it.  I couldn't care less if I feel good.  The more you enjoy it, the more I enjoy it.  And if you don't, I'd rather not.  I am here to boost your happiness, and if I can do that, I am happy myself.  

The problem lies in the fact that the narcissist can never stay interested in just you.  It's heady, that feeling, that being engulfed by him or her.  The being the center of his universe, prized, cherished.  You always tell yourself it will last forever.  You always try to find ways to make sure it does.  And time after time, it doesn't.  The sparkle fades.  You are discarded.  And that's where I'm stuck right now -- I have arrived at an age at which I finally have recognized the pattern, and I know that there is no returning to the paradise in which the relationship begins.  You can never get that back.  So I no longer try.  But at the same time, I am still so addicted to that obsessive full-force passionate all-consuming "love", that I am also not able to truly pursue a healthy relationship with a non-disordered individual.  Where does that leave me?  

"The Reactive Patterns of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)

The Inverted Narcissist does not suffer from a "milder" form of narcissism. Like the "classic" narcissists, it has degrees and shades. But it is much more rare and the DSM-IV-TR variety is the more prevalent.

The Inverted Narcissist is liable to react with rage whenever threatened, or…

…When envious of other people's achievements, their ability to feel wholeness, happiness, rewards and successes, when her sense of self-worthlessness is diminished by a behaviour, a comment, an event, when her lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is threatened. Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a sexual advance.

…When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked (usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.

…When her pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of injustice and being discriminated against or deprived by a spiteful world.

…When she comes across stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry – it is these qualities in herself that all types of narcissists really fear and reject so vehemently in others.

…When she believes that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing half-baked creature.

…When she realises to what extent her inner demons possess her, constrain her life, torment her, deform her and the hopelessness of it all.

When the Inverted Narcissist rages, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. She uncannily spots and attacks the vulnerabilities of her target, and mercilessly drives home the poisoned dagger of despair and self-loathing until it infects her adversary.

The calm after such a storm is even eerier, a thundering silence. The Inverted Narcissist regrets her behaviour and admits her feelings while apologising profusely.

The Inverted Narcissist nurtures her negative emotions as yet another weapon of self-destruction and self-defeat. It is from this repressed self-contempt and sadistic self-judgement that the narcissistic rage springs forth.

One important difference between Inverted Narcissists and non-narcissists is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) following the breakup of their relationships with a their narcissists. They seem to be "desensitised" to narcissists by their early upbringing.

Whereas the reactions of normal people to narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the splitting and projective identification defence mechanisms and to the idealisation devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and disorientation – inverted narcissists show none of the above."

Inverted Narcissist