The Chariot

Just pray the dark horse doesn't lead me astray.  I'm calling today The Chariot because it's all about decisions, choosing the right path, allowing myself to be led by logic and sense or selfish desires.  The great thing about The Chariot is that it aligns with philosophy.  I remember being delighted in philosophy class the day we learned about Plato's allegory.  I am going to copy and paste a brief description and you will see how it relates to my present situation.

"Plato paints the picture of a Charioteer driving a chariot pulled by two winged horses:
'First the charioteer of the human soul drives a pair, and secondly one of the horses is noble and of noble breed, but the other quite the opposite in breed and character. Therefore in our case the driving is necessarily difficult and troublesome.' ^[1]
The Charioteer represents intellect, reason, or the part of the soul that must guide the soul to truth; one horse represents rational or moral impulse or the positive part of passionate nature (e.g., righteous indignation); while the other represents the soul's irrational passions, appetites, or concupiscent nature. The Charioteer directs the entire chariot/soul, trying to stop the horses from going different ways, and to proceed towards enlightenment."

I welcome these trials, because they refine me.  I rise to these challenges, because in overcoming  them, I am further on the path to my own personal enlightenment.  I will master this chariot.  I will tame the dark horse.

Right now is one of the most challenging times of my life, but I have arrived at this place as a direct result of my own decisions.  It helps to look at my troubles as tests, challenges that have been presented to me to increase my strength and wisdom.  It helps to view myself not as a victim, but as a student.  A truth-seeker.  A warrior.

I have never experienced so much grief at one time, but when the universe presents a challenge, it seems  that it also shows you the way to a helping hand.  When I met with my friend the other night, it was like she had been sent to me at exactly the right time for exactly the right purpose.  She has rallied the women in the Sister Circle to be there for me and to offer support and encouragement.  Although they barely know me, they have all risen to the challenge and reached out to me.  I have never really reached out to them -- it is still hard for me to trust women because many of them will gossip and say hurtful things about you behind your back while smiling in your face.  This, of course, puts me in a quandary because I don't trust men, either, for completely different reasons.  I never wanted to be so jaded.  I wanted to maintain my youthful innocence, my idealism, my optimism.  I feel, though, that in order to protect myself from further suffering, I need to be a bit more cynical. 

I was struggling with my decision, but through talking to her, I was able to sort out my thoughts.  I felt more at peace with the choices I am making and gained more understanding about  the feelings I am having through the process.  She is a doula and she has offered to attend the birth without charging me.  It is very sweet of her, but I'm still going to pay her.  I had no reason to expect any of this, but here she is, like some kind of angel offering to help me stand when I am weak.  She stands to gain nothing from this, her motivation is unselfish.  I can't imagine how this would benefit her in any way, she's doing it for no other reason than because she knows I really need it.  I can already feel myself changing from the immense gratitude I feel toward her and the other sisters.

I find myself thinking in a completely different way now -- I am noticing little things I can do and seeking bigger things that might make someone smile.  I am extending myself beyond myself and considering other people.  A girl on my Facebook whom I barely know had posted something about their car breaking down and having no groceries, so the first thing I wanted to do was bring her something -- diapers, food, whatever -- to help her out.  I have been there, and I can vividly imagine how wonderful it would have felt if someone had anticipated my needs and reached out without being asked.  Unfortunately, she won't accept anything and I don't know where she lives.  I guess she probably feels embarrassed about  it --  I can totally relate to how that feels -- but it makes me feel sad that she is choosing to suffer when she doesn't have to.  Well, I can't fix ALL of her problems, but I wish she would accept the little that I CAN do.

I'm not trying to score brownie points with whatever god is out there, or to have something to brag about so other people will think I'm a good person.  I just want to share the feeling that I have now and for joy to spread like wildfire.  She did something kind for me for no reason, and it makes me want to do the same, and maybe it will inspire a chain reaction.  You know, like that movie -- Pay it Forward?  I feel a rebirthing of my soul, a new awareness of love and beauty, a heightened receptiveness to happiness.  Life is very, very, very good.  :)

32 Weeks

Ohhhhhhh...my BACK!  I'm not sure if I'm getting another kidney infection, if I could be starting pre-term back labor, if these are just more painful Braxton Hicks, or if my back just hurts from carrying around this extra bundle.  I have antibiotics waiting at the pharmacy, so after I leave the library I'm going to pick them up and start taking them just in case.

It's 2013!  My New Year's Eve was pretty fantastic, but the next day was anything BUT.  I think we should have refrained from staying up until midnight because all three of us (my son, my daughter, and myself) were cranky and emotional the next day.  We had a fun party, though!  I got pizza, pop, and movies.  My mom gave us confetti (which led to a mental breakdown the next day...thanks, Mom...), crafts, and candy.  The kids did their crafts, watched movies, had a dance party in the dark while Tristan shined his projector on the wall so they could see  their shadows dance, ate pizza, and made gummy bugs.  The next day we made confetti cake and hung out around the apartment.  The kids totally trashed it, there was confetti everywhere, and I lost my mind just before I had to bring them home.  :(  I feel pretty terrible about that. 

We had been having such a good time, but then I noticed the tree was tipped over, the toys were scattered everywhere, confetti was from one end of the apartment to the other, my antibacterial gel was all squeezed out in the bathroom, there was paint on the carpet and the table, and there were stickers stuck to my coffee table.  Oh, and gum stuck in the carpet.  Oy.  I handled things poorly and just couldn't stop yelling.  We were all crying.  It was terrible -- but it motivated me to ask my family advocate about parenting classes.  I'd been putting that off, but I really think the time has come that good parenting should be more of a priority.

I didn't really make a resolution, but I've been doing some serious reflection on my choices.  Your life is a result of the choices you have made, and if I want my life to change, I need to make better choices.  I already knew this, but I needed to come up with some concrete examples of exactly WHAT decisions will be different.  I want to be a better mom.  I want to avoid hurting people when I am angry.  I want to avoid going down paths which I know will take me nowhere.  I will not date anyone who is married.  I will be more firm about my boundaries and not allowing people in my life to cross them.  I will stop putting the feelings of other people before the best interests of myself and my children -- as in, if there is a choice I need to make for the well-being of myself or my kids, I'm not going to avoid making it just because it might upset someone else.  I am the one who has to live with my decisions, and it's not being "mean" to cut certain people out of my life when I know that my emotional health depends on cutting ties.  If I have a problem, I want  to take action to resolve it.  Whatever you focus on, you bring more of into your life.  So I want to focus on the positive things and complain less.  I think that's a pretty good start.

Work is going well; it's been more of the same ol' same ol'.  But it pays the bills, and it feels good to be caught up on those.  I need to get some work done on my car and I also need to put insurance on it so I can renew the plates.  I also need to get back into the habit of healthy eating because I fell off the wagon in a big way.  It was the holidays, I know, but I was doing really well.  I had lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks but now I fear I have more than made up for that.  Nothing I can do but try again!

I'm meeting up with a friend tonight, I'm pretty excited.  I think I need more friends in my life.  This way I won't think I need a romantic relationship to complete me.  I can be content to just be myself and be alone instead of rushing into the arms of the next person who says a nice word to me.  I've been everybody else's girl...today, I'll be my own.  (To paraphrase Tori Amos)