I'm sorry, but you should be forewarned that this blog is probably going to contain a lot of venting about my relationship. That is not to say I'm not happy or that it's a bad relationship, because I'm obviously with this guy for a reason. It's just that I get frustrated and I have a tendency to discuss my issues with the wrong people. I have learned that it's best to keep relationship issues to yourself. People try to get involved, but even if you have given them as unbiased an account as you are capable of, they will tend to have a skewed perspective on the situation at hand. No one can fully understand the interpersonal dynamics of a couple unless they are actually a part of that relationship. Friends of either partner will naturally see their friend more favorably in situations involving conflict and have a different take on who is to blame or whether an action was justified. Not only that, but if you talk shit about your boyfriend to your friends when you're mad, do you really think they're going to want to be buddy buddy with him when things are going well?
Okay, enough of the prologue. On to the issue at hand. I just don't know what to do anymore!!! The problem is, he lies so much. Consistently. About anything -- big things, little things, important things, irrelevant things. He once told me he rolled cigarettes in high school and sold them to his friends for a quarter each. I totally believed him -- why wouldn't I? He would have no reason to make that up! It turned out, though, that it was total bullshit. From things like that to lying about being married and everything in between. It's no wonder I second guess everything now! So here I find myself in the difficult position of being so suspicious that I naturally question everything that comes out of his mouth. I have no doubt that much of it is lies. It's not like he just magically cured this pathological lying habit overnight. The problem? How to discern the lies from the truth. Of course if I ask him, he tells me it's ALL truth. Of course I know that's definitely bullshit. I just feel like I'm blindly wading in this pool of mystery and I hate the feelings of uncertainty and insecurity I get. I feel paranoid and crazy, but I'm NOT paranoid -- it's completely natural to doubt a liar! I love him, but I wonder how much longer I can go on this way. Besides, how do I know that he even loves ME? How do I know anything between us is real? He could very well have been lying about all of THAT from day one. How would I know?
Yesterday was bizarre. We had this talk about how much we love each other and how much we want to try hard to make this work. He said all the right things and life was good. Then he asked me if I wanted to watch TV with him, an activity during which we usually cuddle on the couch. For the second time that day, he sat down in the chair next to the couch. Yeah, he held my hand, so freaking what? The arm of his chair and the arm of the couch were between us and it was like we were on a date at the movie theater. Not even! His words had said, "I love you and I want to show you how much I care." His actions completely contradicted that. His actions said, "I want to put space between us. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to show affection." In my experience, such a significant change in behavior from a partner is usually a signal of infidelity or loss of interest.
I do believe he's cheating in some way, but it's almost like I don't want to know. My heart has cracked so much under the pressure he's put on it in the last few months that I don't know if I could emotionally withstand another attack. One more injury and it will shatter. Make no mistake, though -- I KNOW something is wrong. I feel it. In order to survive, though, I just need to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything is okay.
I had gone on to type more about my plans for my day off tomorrow, but I hit a wrong button and deleted like three paragraphs. *sigh* I guess I'll talk about tomorrow tomorrow.
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