I'm Christine. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. Recently, I started keeping a journal for the baby chronicling my pregnancy and it occurred to me that I could use an outlet for the other aspects of my life. My intention is to one day give the journal to my son or daughter, so it wouldn't be appropriate for me to vent about certain things in it. So here we are.
I suppose I'll start with the basics. I'm 30, and my second divorce was just finalized in May. I have two children (a nine year old daughter and a five year old son) from two different fathers. Please, don't call Jerry Springer yet!! While I admit that my life has been a bit chaotic, I have enjoyed a rich and colorful existence. I may have touched rock bottom on multiple occasions, but I have also had the pleasure of knowing some of the most ecstatic and enlightening experiences that anyone could dream to have. Despite my mistakes, I regret nothing.
Maybe that's not quite right. I'm not sure how my carefree, unstructured way of life is affecting my children. My daughter's dad has primary custody of her, and my son is currently staying with my brother and his wife for the school year so I can learn some structure. As it turns out, kids need that. Needless to say, it's not something that comes naturally to me. It seems silly! Why not eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired, wake up when you feel rested, play when you're bored, have sex when you're horny, drink when you're thirsty, and so on and so forth? Why is it so important to do the same thing at the same time every day? What if you are supposed to have dinner at five o'clock each evening, but one evening you have no appetite at five -- do you force yourself to eat? Conversely, what if you find yourself famished at four -- must you force yourself to wait until the appointed time? WHY?
Regardless, this is something I must become better at. I am bipolar (please, don't look so surprised...) and of course I am not currently on any psychotropic medication to speak of. I'm lucky if I remember to take my prenatal vitamin. I find that I am very emotional and at times irrational. I am unstable and unreliable. I am forgetful and flighty. Ooooh...what a catch, right? Believe it or not, I do have some redeeming qualities. I am compassionate and open-minded. I am forgiving and trusting. I am also friendly and curious. Would you believe that I have been taken advantage of a time or two? Yeah, it shocked me too. Evidently, some people regard nice individuals as targets. It's the whole kindness/weakness thing.
Yes, I admit that my kindness makes me weak. I must ask myself, though -- would I prefer to be an insufferable bitch, despised by all? I supposed I'd be protected, but at what cost? Would I be happy? I can't be happy thinking people dislike me. Even if someone hurts me, I don't feel right about plotting revenge. I used to, until I realized that it didn't feel good to compromise my standards. I am a good person and it hurts me to hurt another. It's just not the way it's supposed to be.
Speaking of forgiving people...the soon to be father of my third baby, whom we shall call "N", is a great source of stress and anxiety for me at this stage in my life. Of course I love him, I'm not saying I don't. However, I question his veracity, specifically in reference to his claim that he loves me. He has a pattern of lying, and I suspect that pattern will continue. This makes me question everything.
For example, I read some conversations he had with other girls online while I was at work. To one, he said, "I won 20 bucks today. Now I can buy you flowers!" When confronted, he said it was just bullshit. Okay, so if that was bullshit, how much of what you've told ME has been bullshit? Or was that bullshit right now, your statement that what you told her was bullshit? What if what you told HER was true, and what you told ME about it was actually bullshit? Do you see the conundrum here???
I know, he sounds like a douchebag. Well, maybe not yet -- but trust me, if I described everything, you'd probably think he's a douchebag. So why am I with him, then? Ask any woman who has stayed in a bad or abusive relationship why she doesn't leave the man who hurts her. On the outside of the situation, things are black and white. He fucked up, the consequence is he loses you. Go straight to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. However, when you find yourself in such a situation...the black and white smudge and blur until nothing remains but various shades of gray. Do you have any idea what type of an agent could cause such distortion of cold, hard facts? My friend, the component which muddies the waters in situations like these is none other than emotion. The fact is, we are not robots or computers. If input = A (abuse, infidelity, deceit, dishonesty, etc) then output = B (leave his ass.) If we were heartless data processors, that would be the end of the story.
What you can't account for is the heart. It is unpredictable and irrational. It does not care about fair or logical. It has no regard for rules or boundaries. As I have heard it said somewhere, the heart wants what the heart wants.
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