Ahhhhhhhhh I can not wait so long to update!!! SO MUCH has happened. So much. I’ll break it into sections like I usually do, because Tom just ran down to get something from his car so I don’t know how long I have.
Relationship: WE GOT
ENGAGED! Like, officially. We chose a mutual proposal to align with our
egalitarian relationship, and to honor the other by asking for the privilege of
being each other’s life partner. I think
we both deserved to feel special, and to be asked, and to be proposed to. Also, we included the kids! They were a little less excited than we were,
but I guess to them it wasn’t really a big deal. Duh, Joth and Christine are getting married…we
already KNEW that. What’s the big
deal??? It was beautiful. We stopped at Choices, a metaphysical/crystal
shop, and picked out a crystal for each of the kids. Then, we drove to Hastings and we all walked
past the coffee shop that Joth and I first met in person at. He and I stopped for a little kiss. The kids were impatient. We kept walking – it was a beautiful day, by
the way – 80 degree temps (and to think today is 50 and rainy…ugh) sunny and
nice. We walked to the bench that we sat
on and proposed to each other with our BAD ASS GLOWING RINGS. They are polished silver with tritium
vials. Mine is a lotus, and Joth’s is
like a circle with triangle vial designs in.
Mine has blue vials, his has red.
When we get married, we’re replacing them with purple. I don’t think I really have to explain that.
There’s a lot of symbolism with blue and red and twin
flames, which I totally dig. They are opposites,
just as Gemini and Sagittarius are opposites.
In fact, we are EXACT opposites because our birthdays are on December
and June 7. Also, red and blue is the
real yin and yang duality, and he and I are most definitely yin and yang. That isn’t just some fluffy thing to say because
we love each other so much, we truly do fit together perfectly complementary
like that. It’s crazy and cool and
amazing. So anyway, after we gave each
other the rings, I proposed to Austin and he proposed to my kids. Although they accepted him as their step dad,
Tristan already knows that if all goes well, he’s actually accepting Joth as
his DAD dad. Because he’s the only dad
he has right now.
Speaking of that, I’ll move to the next topic.
Tristan: His behavior
has improved so much at school! He still
doesn’t get a lot of homework done, and it’s all I can do to bite my tongue
instead of telling his teachers that homework is stupid. I never did it, I still don’t see the
point. Not everyone works like
that. And it isn’t as if it prepares you
for the real world, because most jobs you choose do NOT require homework. So what is the purpose? You’re at school 6 hours a day anyway. I honestly believe that’s enough. But anyway, the biggest factor I see that has
helped Tristan is the peace between Joth and I.
Tristan is so sensitive to any discord between us, even though usually
it isn’t a big deal. I think part of his
brain associates domestic conflict with trouble, though, and he doesn’t know
how to separate normal squabbles from life-threatening situations. I’m sure he has a little PTSD from the things
we went through before, and I try to be more mindful of that and keep things
positive around the kids. It doesn’t
always work, and we did have one huge issue, but overall we’ve been on the road
to improvement. Tristan also took his
reading test and scored above grade level!
His teacher was super proud of him.
Wellness Center:
Duuuuuuuuuude. Okay, so we have
another yoga teacher (Amanda) and she’s starting classes next week on Tuesdays
and Thursdays. We have a belly dance
teacher who is teaching classes after Joth’s Monday night yoga. Joth is doing the Monday night and the Friday
morning yoga. We have his mom, who set
up her office and it looks GREAT – 2 days a week, and a reflexologist who will
use her office 3 days a week. We have a
massage therapist, Carlita, and Joth does massage also. Joth is doing hypno and I am leading a reiki
1 class in…OMG in a week, heaven help me.
I can do this! ALSO, there is a
wellness fair here at Kellogg’s and one of the girls from yoga works at Kellogg’s
as well, so she emailed me info about it and I got in touch with them JUST
before she was sending the posters to the printer. She said we could have a table there and
promote the Holistic Health Center, she had me send her our logo, and we’re
good to go! I’ll be in Mackinac for
Tristan’s field trip, but Joth and Helena (the belly dance teacher) will man
the table. We will print up flyers and
brochures, and I’m going to make little lotion bars with labels that have our
website on them to give away. Also, we
can raffle a free massage or reiki session or whatever.
Speaking of. We had a
little event last weekend where people could get a hypno session, massage, or
reiki session on a donation basis. We
plan to do those regularly to give people the opportunity to experience these
things without a financial commitment, or without cost being prohibitive. Joth did a hypno session on Sunny, a girl
from the Mindfulness meetup. She is so
cool! I really like her J Anyway, she was thrilled and wants to do
more! He was so amazing! He also did a massage on a girl from the
reiki share, and booked a massage with a lady who stopped in to see us. She was the original founder of the HHC, even
before Becky took over (Becky is the one who recently passed away). She is a hypnotherapist, so she and Joth have
been trading tips and ideas. She gave
him some advertising advice and even some info about the history of his mom’s
house! I am beyond elated. I love this feeling. I definitely know that I am flowing in
alignment with my highest purpose. What
is it that Esther Hicks says? I am in
the vortex. It’s been ridiculously easy,
people and practitioners and events have been just flowing to us
effortlessly. I am so delighted!
We got our business cards, we updated the Facebook page and
I created events, Joth has been working on the website, and I’m thinking next
weekend we’ll do flyers. Before I go to
Mackinac, so Joth will have them for the wellness fair. Well, if I get a cord for the computer, we
could probably print some up at home – maybe not glossy brochures, but at least
an updated newsletter style sheet like they have there now.
Mood: Well. I’ve been generally good, but I felt a little
depression coming this past Saturday. I
didn’t want to get out of bed, nothing sounded fun. I was so blah, and not for any reason at
all. Nothing triggered it, it just
came. Joth was a valiant hero trying to
cheer me up, never letting it get him down, never getting discouraged. He played me happy music, and did a little
dance (which I loved – he is so sexy when he dances! OMG) and brought me a shot of rum, even. He’s such a loving and thoughtful partner,
and I am so blessed to have him in my life.
However, Sunday was another story.
I didn’t sleep at all Saturday night, and we had to go to the office
Sunday for our appointments. For various
reasons, I knew that I was susceptible to having bad emotional reactions so I
tried to keep things light and stay out of emotional danger zones. Still, something I said or did was misinterpreted
(I was staring blankly at Joth in confusion after asking him a question and not
being able to comprehend the answer in my sleep-deprived stupor, and he mistook
my stare for one of demanding expectation or criticism) so he freaked out in
response to what he thought the look meant, and I freaked out in response to
his freaking out because I had no idea what I had done wrong. It all unraveled from there. I gave him a few minutes, then came to where
he was to see what was wrong. He started
acting afraid of me, putting his hands up and running away, which really hurt
my feelings because I hadn’t done anything, nothing at all, and here he was
acting terrified. I tried and tried to
understand, to figure it out, and realized I couldn’t and I just didn’t have
the energy to try to fix something when I couldn’t even piece together how it
had even broken. I was defeated,
discouraged. I couldn’t do anything but
sit down and sob. Everything on the turn
of a dime had gone so wrong, and there was no getting it back to good. The man I loved was reacting to me like I was
some monster coming to attack him, which was heartbreaking, and I couldn’t
handle it. Sorrow overcame me and I sat
in the chair and cried. He responded by
criticizing me for bringing this energy into this space, telling me how he
couldn’t deal with it, saying things like, “Really? You’re going to do this right now?” and
finally walked off, angry.
I understand that he may need to walk away, and that’s not
what I take issue with. What really hurt
when I was already so raw and vulnerable was the harshness of his
reaction. My crying wasn’t to hurt him,
or to punish him, or to criticize him. I
just needed love, and I got the exact opposite.
It would have been fine if I had just let it go, but I was beyond the
point of controlling my emotions by then.
I couldn’t let it go. I tried to
talk to him, to reason with him. I tried
appealing to his emotion, I tried cold emotionless logic. Other than doggedly continuing to try to talk
to him to figure out why he was acting the way he was, I was not committing any
transgressions. I kept myself in check,
but he continued to resist my efforts to talk, to solve it, to reconnect, to
understand what went wrong and why.
Looking back, it wasn’t the time to talk, and he wasn’t in a mental
state where he could hear anything anyway.
I eventually ran out of hope and it all came crumbling down. I surrendered to the wave of despair and let
it crash over me and carry me away. I
started lashing out verbally and hurt him, in my state of agony. It wasn’t okay. I said things I shouldn’t have – things like
I didn’t want to marry him, and I hated him, and other verbal venom. I seemed so angry, but in reality I was just
really so sad, and feeling so lost, and still craving deeply that connection
with him. Of course this was no way to
bring that back. I just couldn’t live
without harmony between us though, and in my desperation for reconnection, I
severed whatever threads still remained.
People are silly that way.
Anyway, I could go into the whole thing but it would take a
long time. We talked it out and tried to
find ways to make sure things don’t go that way again. We told each other things that would help us
from the other, things we can do for each other to ensure that things like this
don’t flare up if someone’s feathers get ruffled. We shared what hurt, what would have helped,
and what we could have done differently.
Things are not as perfect as they were right after we got engaged, but I
think using that experience as an opportunity for learning and growth empowers
us and strengthens us.
Well, Tom is back, and he’s being nosy as usual. Gotta go.
