Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...

I haven’t blogged in a long time, so I’m going to try to get a quick post up while Tom is getting his lunch.  The cord for the computer had to be used for the router since we were having internet issues, so I can’t really blog at home until we get a new cord for the computer.  Of course, at the same time I’m trying to type this, I’m getting messages from Joth that Tristan is being a brat at school.  Ughhhh whyyyyyy.  I guess that’s a good place to start.

TRISTAN:

We had a meeting at his school with the social worker, special ed teacher, and his regular teacher.  She just left on leave since she adopted a baby.  They told us that the areas Tristan struggles in are unstructured time, specials (gym, art, music) and transition times.  So they asked Joth to be there during specials, which is every day from 8:30-9:30.  Tristan has done well with him there, but it’s just a temporary fix.  I mean, he can’t follow him around for the rest of his school life.  Thankfully, they have a half day tomorrow and then spring break starts.  We’re meeting with his psychiatrist for a med review next week, which is much needed.  Also, he starts therapy at the ADHD clinic.  And soccer soon, too.

WEDDING:

I told my mom and I told my sister, and I was both shocked and delighted that they are both really happy for us!  In fact, Heather and Matt plan to actually come!!!  I’m pretty sure my parents are, too.  This is amazing.  I could never have guessed!  Our rings will be here by April 20, so then we can make the big announcement.  We went to my sister’s for Easter and Blair was even supportive, and he was nice to me!  What a weird world this has become.  I like it, though!

WELLNESS CENTER:

We ran into a snag, but I’m confident we can overcome it.  We approached Larry (the husband of the woman who was running it who passed away) around the same time another holistic health center did.  Although we talked to Dave (the building owner) first and made arrangements to start leasing in April, when I contacted him to set up the meeting to finalize everything and make the payment, he informed me that he had also met with the other people and we should all figure this out together.  Larry wanted us to find a win/win, but they wouldn’t respond to any of my attempts to work something out with them.  I invited the girl out for coffee and had Larry give them our contact info, but I’ve had nothing but silence from them.  In the meantime, they’ve been emailing Larry is if it’s a given that they will be taking over.  He wants Joth and I to get it and he said he will advocate for us, but ultimately it will be Dave’s decision.  I guess what will be, will be.  If we don’t get it, this gives me that much more motivation to make it happen some other way in some other place.

RELATIONSHIP:

We’ve been doing really well still.  We had a few big blowups, but that really paved the way for deeper connection and understanding.  One Monday, I had a complete meltdown and threatened to burn my wedding dress.  The following Saturday, we went out to Elderberry with the kids and Joth totally lost it.  I’m not going to share his private details because he might not be comfortable with everyone knowing, but I was so scared and concerned for him.  It was a rock bottom moment.  I tried and tried to bring him back to love, but he just couldn’t receive it.  He was in some personal hell that I was unable to rescue him from.  I wonder if that’s what my episode had felt like to him?  Probably.

Upon discussing it the next day, we realized just how much we mirror and reflect each other.  He described it that way, like we are the same, and the only reason it looks different is that when our behavior is reflected back to us by our partner, it’s a different perspective than feeling it from the inside.  I looked up an article about twin flames and that’s actually a hallmark trait.  We are the same person.  It’s cool, but challenging!

Tom is back.  Adios!

Friday.

Well, Tom has left for the day and I’m out in 20 minutes, so how about a quick update?  I’ll just touch on the major topics.

TRISTAN:

He broke a copy machine yesterday and was swearing because he got in trouble for writing on a bathroom wall with some other kids.  He claims he wasn’t writing on the wall, but either way, his outburst is unacceptable.  I really lost my cool with him and said some really damaging things I regret.  I wish I could have kept myself under control.  Irony isn’t exactly the correct term, but when we look at how upset I was that he couldn’t contain his emotions…leading to me making choices I regret because I couldn’t contain MY emotions…well, it all seems sad.  How can he learn emotional regulation when he has no one to model it for him?  To be fair, I have stopped swearing.  Okay well I did break that rule yesterday.  But I don’t ever hit him or break things when I’m angry.  Why does he do that?  I’m not saying I’m any better.  My words are pretty vicious weapons.  I just don’t know what came over me.  I was scared, really.  I don’t know what’s next for him.  I don’t know what else we can do.  I’m just terrified that he will ruin his life and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  Can we say comeuppance???

Anyway, after my super angry outburst, I developed the most excruciating migraine to date.  It hurt so badly, I felt like I was a tortured prisoner trapped in the hell of my splitting skull.  I was angry or irritated about everything, even if it didn’t make sense.  Joth brought me coffee, but I immediately vomited it all back up.  I remembered a “cure” I had read on Facebook and asked him to look it up and make it for me, so he did.  It is just salt and lemon juice.  It sounds disgusting, and trust me – it was – but at that point, I didn’t care about anything in my desperation for relief.  It worked.  I wasn’t even finished drinking the glass when the pain subsided.  I’m usually skeptical about stuff like that, but I can honestly say that remedy is a keeper.

Okay, next topic, WEDDING:

My dress was delivered!  No one was home to sign for it, but it is waiting at the Battle Creek USPS.  I haven’t heard back from the Peru people yet, so I can’t make that deposit, and we’re in the process of figuring out what Joth is going to wear.  This week’s check is going to Tristan’s field trip, Joth’s study guide, the sister sweat, shoes for Tristan, gas, and Spring Fling with the family (and Shyloh) next weekend.  That does leave us with about 300-ish, so we can still buy something for the wedding or do something toward renting the holistic health center, or we can just hang on to it (ha!).

WELLNESS CENTER:

Well, we’re meeting with the guy to tour the place and talk about stuff on Saturday.  I’m so excited!  This is really happening!  Joth is going to order a study guide to prepare for his licensing test, and I am going to really focus on Ayurveda.  I am thinking about trying to see a psychiatrist to get something to help me with my ADD so I can study better.  I do okay in my adult life without medication, because my job doesn’t require much focus (ha, as I sit here blogging…ummmmm), but when it comes to keeping things straight for Tristan, I’m a mess and he’s not performing at the level he could be.  I’m bringing him down and I know it.  I forget to have him do homework, lose his assignments, forget to sign permission slips, lose his planner or whatever…and granted, those things are HIS responsibility.  I can’t even keep track of my own stuff, and it’s giving me a lot of anxiety trying to help him stay organized.  I keep failing, and in the end, he’s the one who suffers.  It isn’t my job, but at age 9 he can’t be expected to be on top of everything.  I’m supposed to be guiding him, and I can’t.  But anyway, if I could focus enough to finish up Ayurveda and do the CBT course, I’d be in a much better position to be an asset to our wellness center.

 POLITICS:

Well duh, I voted for Bernie, and he won Michigan!!!  Hooray!!!

RELATIONSHIP:

Still overall good.  We have had a little tension over the last couple of days, but nothing devastating.  We are still working through some things and I think a big thing for him is feeling appreciated.  Somehow I keep sending the message to him that I don’t see what he does, or value his contributions, or appreciate his help.  I wish he understood that I DO.  He says I devalue what he does and that I don’t recognize that I’m doing it because it’s unconscious.  How do you even respond to a statement like that?  It’s impossible to defend yourself against an accusation where the accuser claims you don’t know you’re doing something but you are.  It sounds like he’s making himself an authority on what I do, what I think, and how I feel and that I can’t trust my OWN assessment of myself but should instead rely on him to inform me of these things.  And what about all the things that I KNOW he doesn’t know he’s doing?  But at the end of the day, what is the point of bringing it up?  All I can do is worry about me.  I wish he would do the same.

Time’s up, I gotta go!

Eclipse/New Moon/VOTING/Dreams coming true!!!!

I’m really hard at work and I’m in a groove, but Tom went to get lunch or something and I feel the need to update because some amazing things have happened!

First, I want to take a moment to talk about Bernie Sanders.  This is the first time that I have ever listened to candidate’s debates or researched a candidate as thoroughly as I have Bernie, because this is the first time a candidate has caught my attention and garnered my admiration with his level of integrity.  (Tom came back so I had to stop, he’s being extra nosy today.  For some reason he thinks it’s his job to be in everyone’s business, having something to say about how loud they talk and how fast I type.  Maybe it’s the police officer in him that makes him feel like he needs to monitor everyone else.  Grrrr but anyway, he went downstairs to get strawberries so I’m BACK!)

Anyway, Bernie.  I see this great divide between Trump and Bernie as the epitome of FEAR vs LOVE.  This message has been communicated through so many different mediums in so many different ways, drilled into my head for years as an obnoxiously obvious truth.  You choose fear, or you choose love.  It isn’t even the vile hatred and horrific lack of empathy or compassion that I most dislike about Trump.  It’s the fact that so many people agree with him.  That so many people support him despite his blatant disregard for any kind of common decency.  He’s a racist, cruel, ignorant, misogynistic man and THEY LOVE HIM.  What does that say about us?  What does that say about humanity?  It’s troubling, to say the least.  The most hilarious part about it all is that many of those who support him claim Christianity.  Is that REALLY what Jesus would have done?  Have minorities forcibly removed from his rallies?  Build a wall, blow up the Muslims?  I really don’t think so.  How can they be so blind to the fact that everything he stands for is in direct opposition to what Christianity is supposed to be about? 

Okay, enough about that.  I’m voting for Bernie in the primaries tomorrow, and I have never voted in primaries before.  I have donated money to his campaign 3 times, and I have never donated to any candidate before.  That’s how much I believe in what he has to say and what he wants to do.  He has been consistent throughout the years, supporting civil rights.  He is for decriminalization of marijuana, LGBT rights, and environmental issues.  He conducts himself with kindness toward Hilary even when interviewers try to bait him into mudslinging.  He’s exactly the kind of person I would want leading this country.  He’s the answer to my wishes.  He’s our only hope, for real though.

I am eating my spinach leaves with balsamic vinaigrette, sipping tea, and getting ready to have a mango Greek yogurt.  I haven’t done yoga yet today; gravity was especially bad this morning.  I didn’t sleep well last night so I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I haven’t even gotten to the best part, but Tom’s back so I will have to do it later.

Okay well I’m not sure how long I have right now, BUT here’s some more good news!  We went to the first meeting of the Battle Creek Mindfulness group at this cozy little yoga studio close to our house.  It’s just like a little basement in a house, but it has a very nice energy.  There were maybe like 10 people there, and everyone was so warm and welcoming.  It felt like home, like it feels to be with Joth.  No judgement, no cliques, no posturing – just genuine, authentic, kind, down to earth people.  It was such a good feeling, I have been trying to find my tribe here in Battle Creek and had every intention of starting a Meetup, but I never did.  Now, I don’t have to!

But wait, it gets better.  While we were there, one of the organizers approached us afterwards because I had mentioned that Joth was a yoga instructor, and he also mentioned that he was a massage therapist.  The guy asked if he taught at any yoga studio here, and he explained that he has not taught in Battle Creek and currently doesn’t have an office since the one in Marshall collapsed.  He mentioned to us that the Holistic Health Center was where they used to meet for the Palchen Study Group (another meditation group) but the owner passed away 6 weeks ago and her husband is currently just holding on to it. 

He said that we could probably rent it on a month to month basis from the guy for a really good price, like 500 a month, and there are already massage rooms set up and ready to go.  I told him that this was so serendipitous because our dream is to open a wellness center for me to do reiki and Ayurveda, both of us to do hypnotherapy, and Joth to do massage and possibly even yoga classes.  It’s like our dreams are coming true for us without us even trying!  We can totally afford $500 a month, since we are fortunate enough to be able to live at Joth’s mom’s without paying anything for rent.  What awesome timing, right??!

Speaking of this weekend, we had a really good weekend.  We didn’t have a huge fight, so that’s progress!  We are learning how to communicate with each other better, finally.  Today is an eclipse and a new moon, so not only is it a great time for new beginnings, it also closes the chapter on the last 6 months.  Apropos, too, because 6 months ago is when I moved in.  I feel it, too.  I feel us moving into the next phase.  I am so excited for what the future brings!

And speaking of the future, I told my mom about us getting married.  I was so nervous about telling my family because I didn’t think they’d be supportive, since I have already been married twice.  Joth was right, though – my mom said she is so happy for us!  She used all caps AND exclamation points, so she really means it!  Wow, that’s such a huge weight off of me that I didn’t even know I was carrying around until it was gone.  YAYYYY I’m 1000% excited now!!!

Well, I’m leaving here to go vote in 15 minutes.  Then tonight I still have yoga to do and Ayurveda to study.  I need to crack down on that since I want to get my certification and see clients ASAP!  Joth is studying this week for his Michigan massage license test, too.  We’re going to have him do that this weekend.  Oooooh and also I’m going to do the sister sweat again in April!  Okay I have to go, later!!!

Poem

Maybe I’m at war with love

Bruised and battle-scarred
Hold my heart with velvet gloves
Don’t you squeeze too hard

Maybe you are broken too

Maybe we’re the same
Maybe what they say is true
Maybe it’s a game

I want to learn the steps it takes

Lead me through this waltz
We dance through fields of mine mistakes
Hidden in our faults

Blame and shame, like shrapnel, fly

Lacerate our hearts
I said I’d love you ‘til I die
But now the dying starts

We’re pointing bloody fingers at

Our comrade on the field
Tearing at their wounds as if
Their pain could make ours healed

I ask if we are able to

Survive another war
You used to be my hero;
I don’t know you anymore

I hated my reflection

So I shattered it to bits
The parts of you are broken shards
I use to cut my wrists

Annual Visit #3

I don’t know how much time I have, but Tom went to get cereal so here’s at least a little update.  I’ll try to just hit on the main points. 

I didn’t get my tax refund, but I knew that might happen.  It went toward student loans which defaulted, so that’s less debt I have now and probably an improved credit score.  So, I shall celebrate this.  We’ll still be able to afford our wedding and all that fun stuff.  Speaking of which, my dress has shipped and the rings will be coming shortly after!  We just need to pick a location and put down a deposit, and figure out what Joth is going to wear.  We found this amaaaaaaazing suit, but it’s from Germany and it’s like $2k.  I am wondering if there are people who could make a custom jacket based on the picture, or if we could find something that looks like it for a little less.  He would look so handsome in that suit….drooooooooooool…

Okay next order of business.  Tristan is suspended.  Ughhhhhhh this battle is draining me!  I went through all that with his insurance, got that straightened out, finally filled his prescription, and the first day back on it he punches a kid and gets suspended.  ARRRGHHHHH.  He says the other kid punched him first, but even if that really happened, he knows what to do.  I made an appointment with this ADHD clinic near us, but they couldn’t see us today because of ANOTHER ISSUE WITH HIS INSURANCE!!!  I finally got Blair and Rachel’s OFF, and they told me his new plan would start March 1 and until then he’d have straight Medicaid.  Well, the clinic doesn’t take straight Medicaid and it turns out that his new plan doesn’t start until APRIL 1.  Wonderful.  So this month, we have to really focus hard and pull out all the stops to help at home.  Sleep, nutrition, meditation, I keep SAYING all of this and we have done SOME.  There are improvements.  But I still need to hypnotize him, I still want us all to meditate every day, and Tom is back so more later.

Okay well Tom finally left for the day and I’m still here for another half hour or so, so I’ll try to finish what I was talking about.  Uhhhhhh.  My brain isn’t working like it was earlier, so I’ll try to remember what I was going to say.  Hmmm.  Uhh.  Erm.

Oh!  I had my annual visit with Sienna this past Sunday!  I brought her a craft set for little kids and a Shel Silverstein book.  I wrote a poem on the inside cover as usual, and we met at the same McDonald’s play place as usual.  This time it seemed like Mike and Kelli were a little less cordial, a little more standoffish.  I could be imagining it, of course.  However, I do know that they are more conservative and religious than I am, and it’s entirely possible that something on my Facebook triggered their disdain.  Then again, I don’t say anything mean, and by this point my thoughts and beliefs shouldn’t really come as a shock.  They have a new baby and life is probably more hectic, plus everyone in their house just got over being sick.  So I won’t jump to conclusions, after all they were nice enough to still do the visit and bring Sienna to see me, so beyond that, their opinion of me is pretty irrelevant.

Sienna was a little shy at first, which didn’t bother me.  She’s 3.  But I didn’t know what to do when she kept running to go play, then she’d run back to daddy, then run back to play and so on and so forth.  I wasn’t sure how to start an interaction.  I didn’t want to force it, but we do this once a year and it’s only about an hour that I have with her.  Finally, Kelli asked her to sit next to me and she didn’t want to, so she sat between them.  I asked her if she wanted me to read to her and she agreed, so I opened the Shel Silverstein book and read a few poems to her across the table.  She started warming up and the next time she wanted to play, I asked her if she wanted me to play with her and she said yes.  We went into the tree house and she was so cute!  We looked for the slide, which was up some stairs.  The first time she was scared and wanted me to go down first.  The second time, she wanted to stop on the stairs and chat.  But then we had to get up and go to the slide before those boys came back.  Then she wanted to sit on my lap going down the slide. 

We did this probably ten times, stopping to talk about stuff on the stairs, then going down the slide.  When it was time for me to go, we went back to the table and she sat next to me.  Then she didn’t want to let me out and said no when I told her I had to go, so I’d say she warmed up to me pretty well and it made me happy to have had that time to spend with her.  She is just so cute.  Mike and Kelli told me she only has to hear a song once and it’s memorized, which was the same way with Jewel at her age except Jewel wasn’t verbal yet so she could only hum the tune.  But she’d get all the notes exactly correct.  They also asked if insomnia was genetic because apparently Sienna has a lot of trouble getting asleep and staying asleep, and Kelli had seen on Facebook that my mom and I both struggle with insomnia.  Mom’s is worse than mine, for sure.  Tristan has it bad too, though.  I didn’t want to say anything, and besides she’s only 3, but it is one of the features of ADD so you never know…

Anyway, she’s starting “3 school” in the fall and dance as well, so I’m really happy for her.  I am reassured of my choice and glad to see that she has the opportunities to flourish and live a joyful life.  It still hurts a little sometimes, but the fact remains that none of the choices available to me at that time would have been pain-free.  This was the least painful one available.

Jewel and her dad are moving to Middleville!  It’s way closer, it’ll be a 25 minute drive to the halfway point rather than 45.  I’m glad that we may be able to spend more time together, I really feel like we have drifted apart and it makes me sad.  When she’s at my house, she’s only concerned with Tristan and really seems a little cold and indifferent toward me.  It doesn’t help that her dad talks crap about me to her, like how if I cared about her I wouldn’t have moved so far away and that I’m inconsistent.  I’m not saying I AM consistent, but I really love her and it is frustrating to be so unfairly judged.  I did the only thing I could do after having Tristan back full time and losing daycare suddenly with no more available absences due to Tristan’s ongoing behavior problems.  My hands were so full, and I was so far from any support.  I had way more to deal with than I could handle.

I’m really thankful that Joth is here to back me up and be a father figure to Tristan right now.  He’s doing all the things I can’t do, and we’re a team presenting a united front.  He meets with the teachers and principal, picks him up when needed, brings his pill to school if forgotten, and stays with him if he is suspended.  He goes over tools and coping mechanisms with him, teaching and bonding with him both.  He doesn’t just ignore him or stick him in a room like a pet, and he talks to him like he’s a real person and his opinions matter.  We are all so blessed to have him in our lives and I try never to forget that.

Today was day 16 of the yoga challenge, rock on!!!!  I did miss one day, but I got right back in the groove the next day.  Okay, I guess I should get some work done.  Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeya.