Magic Brewing :)

“Our friends will all make fun of us, and we’ll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way; and by the time that we are through, Delilah I can promise you, the world will never ever be the same…”

*sigh*  I suppose I should update.  There are great improvements in the relationship area, and I really have a lot of hope for us.  I know I was frustrated yesterday, but when I got home (although he was still upset from our fight), Joth was kind to me.  He didn’t treat me with coldness or disdain, he used his words to communicate his feelings (“Just so you know, I’m still feeling hurt.  If I seem distant, that’s why” Etc)  In turn, I didn’t feel a panicked rush to just move past it and let it go, I honored the time he needed to process his emotions, and I didn’t feel impatient and then angry at it not happening at my pace.  Really, I was amazed.  He constantly surprises and impresses me, and I feel so fortunate to be with him.  Life is good.  In that aspect.

 

On the other hand.  I am leaving work in an hour to meet with Tristan’s teachers because he has begun having behavior issues.  I am trying so hard not to rush immediately to panic mode and assume that it’s going to be last year, all over again.  Flashes of police, and leaving work, and CPS, and that hopeless helpless feeling of being ill-equipped to deal with whatever drives my child to act this way.  I really thought that was fixed.  He was student of the month!  What HAPPENED???  How do we get things back to good?  I was much angrier about this earlier, but I’ve calmed down.  Joth had to go pick him up from school because he was swearing and destroying property.  WHYYYYYYY.  He isn’t abused, we don’t use physical discipline.  He hasn’t been to his dad’s since August.  I thought we were GOOD.  I feel like I’m right back to square one.

 

But, this time I have more knowledge and wisdom.  I have a kind, conscious, supportive partner who loves my son and wants the best for him too.  Maybe this time we can really find the place that needs healing and offer what he needs to get over this in a healthy way.  Maybe all hope is not lost.  I have those books by Dr. Shefali Tsabury, I think I’m going to read them again and make a real, committed attempt at providing what my child needs to grow and heal and learn and develop.  Maybe aikido will help, too.  And maybe if we start meditating.  I can look at this as an opportunity rather than a roadblock.  And won’t we all be better when we have conquered it?  We have reiki, hypnosis, CBT, meditation, and yoga at our disposal.  Why don’t we use all the tools we have as a testament to how lives can be changed with this approach?  Really, if you look at it, this challenge is a gift.  And I am thankful for it.  <3

 

I’ve been researching beekeeping.  I’m going to do it, it’s decided.  I actually think I’ve been meant to do this for a long time, and I’m really excited.  I am going to get one hive this summer.  I so love that Joth, even though he doesn’t like bees, is supportive.  Bees have never stung me (but once, when I stepped on one); I like them, they seem to follow me en masse wherever I go (I don’t mean in a swarm, they just come to my house).  I love the sisterhood and the way they live.  I make beauty products with honey and beeswax.  One of my favorite Tori Amos songs (and albums, at that) is The Beekeeper.  It’s time, and I am so happy about it!

 

Joth did a coaching thing for us last night, he is really good at it!  It’s amazing how much more achievable it makes goals.  We decided to work on strengthening friends/community, which in turn will nurture our fun/recreation and our relationship because we’ll both be happier.  I really think things are coming together for us.  I sense magic brewing  ;)

OH MY GODDESS!!!  It IS!  I am listening to Tori right now, Shyloh recommended that I check out Boys for Pele.  It's an album I never listened to before.  So, I am.  Right after I posted this entry, the song Mohammed My Friend came on (that Maynard James Keenan does with her, SOOO cool by the way but that's another topic).  I was listening to the lyrics....like oh...my...I had to Google them to be sure.  It's confirmed.

"Muhammad my friend
I'm getting very scared
Teach me how to love my brothers
Who don't know the law
And what aobut the deal on the flying
Trapeze got a peanut butter hand
But honey do drop in at the
Dew Drop Inn

Sweet sweet
Between the boys and the bees"

Day 13 and Beyond -- Got a Case of Love Bipolar

JANUARY 22

Oh my, I forgot to post yesterday and the day before!  Well, yesterday I was very tired.  If my period is on time, it’ll be here next week – which means that right now is PMS time.  It’s so hard to distinguish the PMS symptoms from the cleanse symptoms – I have so much wacky stuff going on already that it took me a moment to notice PMS.  But I did break out, and yesterday I was ravenous – which is interesting when your options can not include gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, sugar, caffeine, or alcohol!  I totally pigged out on unsweetened banana chips yesterday.  At first I thought they were disgusting because I was comparing them to the sweetened ones.  But when I started looking at them as a substitute for potato chips, they magically became delicious!  So even though I pigged out, it was quinoa flax hot cereal, dried apricots, walnuts, an apple, a container of banana chips, and the rest of the blue corn chips when I got home.  Plus my smoothie, of course.  I went to bed early and feel great today.  Like, REALLY great.  I was a little irritable yesterday and the day before, today I’m not.  But today I’m like a teenage boy…haha scratch that.  I suspect that when I am manic, my hypersexual thoughts could put any adolescent to shame.  I ran out of the elderberry tea, so I manually just added the astragalus, turmeric, eleuthero, cinnamon, and ginger today.

 

I am on my second round of Traditional Medicinals EveryDay Detox tea.  My super awesome glass water bottle already broke, but I knew it would.  When I order a new one, I’m going to get the silicone sleeve.  For now, I’m using a 16 oz plastic water bottle Joth got from that Advocare thing.  Did I talk about that?  I can’t remember.  Anyway, his mom and brother are doing this MLM thing and got him involved in it.  I mean, to be honest, the products seem pretty cool.  When I do my next cleanse in April, I might buy one of theirs – but I am not going to sell it.  I’m just not that kind of person.  Besides, the main drink (Spark) has an artificial sweetener in it and I’m not really down with that.  Compared to other artificial sweeteners, it’s safer, but still.  (It’s sucralose).  If they changed it to stevia, I’d be down in a heartbeat.

 

So, on day 11, it was liquids only.  I thought it would be easy, but I was surprised at how much I craved chewing.  I was full, but not satisfied.  I drank my smoothie , juice, and blended my veggie soup I made the night before on the fruit and veggie only day.  Did I blog that day?  I don’t remember.  My memory and concentration are not what they were when I used caffeine, that’s for damn sure.  That’s really the only drawback.  Anyway, on the liquid only day, you could transition out at the end of the day by using some protein.  They recommended chicken breast or nuts, so I assumed chewing was okay at that point.  I gobbled down a salad that Joth bought me like I hadn’t seen food in a decade.  Oh, it was so GOOD!

 

That’s one thing.  I am appreciating flavors more, for one.  I am also more sensitive to things I have cut out, like if I taste an artificial sweetener, I can taste it times ten.  I would imagine that when I return to a normal diet, that sugar will seem so much sweeter and caffeine will have more of an impact.  I don’t plan to go right back to what I was doing, though – I’m going to incorporate the things I have learned during this cleanse.  Smoothie every day, drink more water, more fruits and veggies.  If I have a craving for sweet, reach for a date like I do now, or another piece of fruit.  Use natural sweeteners like honey and maple syrup.  Snack throughout the day instead of having a giant binge session when I get home from work on unhealthy crap.  And, yoga every day, for sure. 

 

I feel much better, but I don’t think I look any different yet.  This weight came on weirdly, and is being strangely stubborn.  I’ll stick with this, though.  Then, family pictures in the spring, getting MARRIED in the fall!  Well, if everything can go according to schedule.  It may be winter but we’re shooting for equinox.

 

JANUARY 27

I wish I had kept up on this so I could have done a better job illustrating whatever the hell just happened.  As you can see, 5 days ago things were great.  They only continued to get better.  I noticed a profound change in Joth, and I complimented him on it.  He wasn’t overreacting to things, blowing them out of proportion, being mean over tiny things or holding grudges.  He was being more compassionate and quick to let it go.  He seemed to be coming more from a place of love than of self-righteousness.  As of yesterday, things were more wonderful than they ever had been.  I naively thought we had overcome our problems.

 

I was wrong, and I’m tired of being wrong.  I’m tired of being hurt and I’m tired of being blamed.  I’m tired of being the bad guy.  I’m tired of never knowing which feeling is unacceptable for me to have, which words are banned from being spoken.  I don’t ever know which rules we’re playing by today because they keep changing and I can never win.  I’m tired of being responsible for his feelings and evil for having feelings of my own which he doesn’t approve of.  I have had it with the double standards and hypocrisy.  I’m over the distortion and projection.  I’m sick of him twisting everything to fit his delusions of persecution.  I’m tired of stepping ever so lightly on these traps he has set up for me, gingerly tiptoeing through the minefield and still having bombs explode in my fucking face. 

 

I gave this everything I had.  I changed, to the very core of my being.  I overcame things I always thought were bigger than me.  For that, if nothing else, I am so grateful for this relationship.  I have become a better person.  I am more confident and secure in who I am.  I am not the monster he would like to insist that I am, the scapegoat he would like to make me be.  I am a good person.  I have a loving heart.  I try really hard and I give my best every day.  I don’t deserve to be crucified.  We had everything.  We had it all.  We had so much love, our families were happy with our relationship, we had so much in common, intense attraction for one another (I think), appreciation of the other as a whole, extreme compatibility, laughter, talking, snuggles, family.  We had everything.  I don’t think it ever would have been good enough.  I don’t think I ever would have been good enough.  If he wants to be upset, there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from finding a way to be upset with me.  Even if I’m silent.  Even if all I say is “I love you”.  I tried, last night.  I didn’t even say anything wrong!  He is keeping score, like three times I have mortally wounded him and I should grovel at his feet until he deigns me worthy to grant me the divine favor of his forgiveness.

 

Well GUESS WHAT?  I’m NOT sorry because I didn’t do ANYTHING WRONG.  I am allowed to ask questions.  I am allowed to talk about things.  I did not use a rude tone or rude words.  I didn’t glare at him and spit venom through gritted teeth – like he does to me.  But it’s okay when he does it, somehow.  He isn’t to blame for the hurtful way he’s talked to ME because he can somehow make it all my fault.  How he talks to me is my fault, and how he erroneously interprets the way I talk to him is also my fault.  NO IT ISN’T.  This is insane.  This is crazy.  I feel like I’m living in a nightmare and nothing makes any sense anymore.  I’m done believing that I’m a monster, I know better.  I’m tired of my words being twisted.  IT STOPS NOW. 

 

And with that, I’m over it.  Leaving it behind.  I don’t have the energy to waste on this petty nonsense.  If he wants to be with me, cool, but I’ll be damned if this is going to continue.  Nothing in the world is worth this heartache and drama.  I’m not going to keep extending the olive branch only to have it sharpened and jammed into my heart.  I don’t deserve this.  I will walk away from this.  I will not allow anyone to treat me this way, not EVEN my soulmate.  I will post later about the end of the cleanse.  The laptop is broken and there are viruses on the computer so it may be a while.

Okay, Tom went to lunch so I’m going to add a little bit more.  Cleanse related, I feel really great still.  I got my hair done also, which always makes me feel better about myself.  Sarah had to do extreme damage control because I got it done by someone here in Battle Creek right before Thanksgiving and she screwed it all up.  I can’t be as blonde as I was before as long as we are living in a place with such rusty pipes, because it is turning my hair orange.  However, Sarah put some highlights and lowlights in it to disguise the orange a little better, and also got me some Malibu shampoo to clean the rust out weekly.  After I got my hair done, Jewel and I went out with my mom for lunch to celebrate Juju’s birthday.  Mom gave her a 20 dollar bill, so after lunch, Juju asked me to bring her to the oriental store to get Japanese candy.

 

That store is so cool!  I got some astragalus tea and some stamina tea (ginseng, eleuthero, green tea).  I could have spent so much more there – I’m a little glad that I didn’t have more money with me.  A few habits I have maintained even after the cleanse are water, green smoothies, and no coffee.  I know, right!  I will drink it on weekends, but it’s amazing to me what quitting coffee has done for me.  I never thought I could survive without it, but I have discovered a reserve of natural energy that I never could have imagined I could access without a stimulant.  I feel great, why would I go back to the quadruple latte in the morning and giant can of Monster at lunch???

 

I haven’t done yoga in a couple days, only because I don’t have a big enough screen right now.  I suppose I could do Ashtanga.  Joth dropped his laptop, and even though he and Scott got it “kind of” working, it won’t play the videos from Gaia.  I’m listening to some Teal Swan videos right now about how to resolve conflict and express emotions.  I can’t give up.  I won’t give up.  As long as Joth is willing, and I know that I am, I have to believe that we can rise above this.  We CAN.  If it couldn’t work between us, who in the world could have any hope at all???? 

 

I messaged the guy a few days ago about the tritium rings.  I’m so excited!!!!  Joth’s sister in law and her kids are staying downstairs for the next few weeks, and when I met her, she asked if we were getting married.  Joth and I looked at each other awkwardly because even though we have been planning on it, we hadn’t formally announced it to our families.  I didn’t know if he would be upset if I told her, so I let him take the lead.  So now, his mom and sister in law know, and I guess one of them told his brother.  We are thinking Imbolc next year, because it gives us more time so we’re not stressed and rushing.  Plus, it will be cold so a great time to get a way to AZ.  Also, Imbolc is a fire festival, so we were thinking we could have fire performers.  Yeah!!!  This could be SO COOL.  Okay, well I suppose I should end for real this time.  Ta ta!

Day 10 Conscious Cleanse -- Fruits and Veggies. And Tea and Tea and Tea.

Okay, so today it got real.  As you can see, I got my new water bottle!  Isn't it awesome?  I love it!  

Today was fruits and veggies only, and 2 tablespoons of healthy fats.  I had a smoothie for breakfast with 2 cups of coconut water/pineapple juice (no sugar added), a banana, greens, and a cup of frozen berries.  I snacked throughout the day on fresh green beans and dried fruit with no sugar added.  For lunch, I had an apple.  When I got home, I had some romaine lettuce and a cut up avocado with olive oil and vinegar.  It was my first time using olive oil and vinegar on salad and I used too much vinegar so it was pretty disgusting. 

For dinner, though, I made a pretty awesome soup!  I used free range chicken broth and a small bag of frozen veggies, some garlic, pink Himalayan salt, and Italian seasoning.  I had blue corn chips with it (made with just corn and salt).  For dessert, I had a few pitted dates.  Dates gave me the sweet satisfaction I was craving.

I did the yoga part tonight because it was 42 minutes.  It was another slow flow with Doug Swenson, but Joth broke his laptop so I had to play the video on the PC and it kept skipping.  That's really annoying when you're trying to follow  the flow, but I did what I could and it went just fine.  Tomorrow is liquids only!  Okay, so let's talk about how this is going.

The good:  Natural energy.  I've broken my addiction to caffeine and I am just naturally vibrant and perky.  I never thought I'd be able to get ideas to flow like this without a stimulant, and I'm delighted to see that life can be just as sparkly without caffeine.  This is awesome.  Also, it's way easier to wake up in the morning.  I feel more calm and peaceful, more in the flow of life.  I feel balanced and less irritable.  I haven't felt this good in a really long time!  I stopped bleeding, also.

The bad:  I think my digestive system has had about enough of this.  Today, I was an endless stream of noxious farts.  It was just never ending and I had to keep going to the bathroom.  No way was I sneaking one of those out at my desk.  Also, I had diarrhea.  That was unpleasant, but I figure I must be cleaning out my intestines really well or something.  

The ugly:  I'm bloated and I have acne.  Usually, I only break out right before my period.  However, everything has gone haywire right now.  They say that the cleanse is supposed to make your skin look BETTER, but that is not the case here.  However, in yesterday's video, they did say that if you feel cruddy that's a good  thing and it means it's working.  All of these symptoms were listed as things that would be normal to encounter.  I'm glad I listened to that, because otherwise I'd be worried right now.  

I'm very glad, because this has set into motion a lifestyle of healthier eating, which I have been aiming for for a while.  Being more conscious of what I am actually eating is very eye opening.  Not only that, but I've been loving the daily yoga.  It feels so good.  I feel so healthy.  I am pretty sure I haven't lost weight, but I feel much better.

At work, I am listening to the audiobook of the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.  It's amazing!  I really feel settled into this receptive place of peace and clarity.  I feel like an antenna for wisdom, like downloads and understanding are just beginning to pour into me.  I was thinking in the shower about my life's purpose, and I thought to myself that I am very grateful to have material comforts like a hot shower, clothing, food, and a warm house.  I thought that with these blessings, I am in a position to help others get to a place where they can get closer to Moksha.  Then it clicked in my mind, and I thought, "Yes!  I am here to help everyone achieve liberation!"  I gasped out loud, because only AFTER I said that did I realize that the acronym for that would be HEAL.  Help Everyone Achieve Liberation.

I'm not saying that I'm more enlightened than others, oh heavens no.  Not at all.  But I have the benefit of having access to resources which would allow me to assist others in having easier access to resources to help along their journey.  Like I've been saying, I need to start a meditation group, or a book club, or a drum circle, or a shamanic journey group.  SOMETHING.  The time is now, I can feel it!

Conscious Cleanse Day 9 -- Listen to the Detox

Since I didn't do yoga on Day 8, or watch the video or anything, I just decided to make yesterday my day 8.  I did the yoga before bed, and it was lovely!  I always thought long holds and a slow flow sounded boring.  I felt like little could be accomplished and it was just basically lazy yoga.  I was wrong!

I learned that even when we think we're completely relaxed, we're not!  There were muscles that, during the long holds, would suddenly relax when I had no idea that I had even been tensing them!  It really blew my mind.  I'd be stretched to my fullest capacity in a pose, but while waiting, and waiting, suddenly it would become deeper.  Then a little bit later, even deeper.  Now, this speaks to me.  Because it shows that we can't force it or push it.  We just do what we can, and allow it, and expansion comes.  There's a lot to be said about being receptive and allowing things to work through you.  I can't really put into words what I'm thinking, but it was definitely a perspective enhancer.

I feel pretty okay, a little sensitive, but I'm holding it together.  I blew my nose this morning and it was bloody, I'm still spotting, and I have some acne but I'm guessing that's all either detoxing or the result of my excessive cheating on Saturday.  I am not supposed to have dairy or sugar right now, but I still put 1 cup of kefir in my smoothie.  I don't feel bad about it, though -- during the actual detox (which starts tomorrow) I'm not going to cheat at all and that's what counts.

Speaking of smoothies, I made a really yummy one today!  It's a little sweet, but really good.  I used 1 cup of mango kefir, a spinach spirulina cupcake, a frozen banana, 1 cup of the elderberry tea, 4 sundried figs, 4 pitted dates, hemp hearts, and chia seeds.  I should have used the pomegranate kefir to stick with the Mediterranean theme, but it is pretty amazing anyway.  I'm sipping on it as we speak.

I can't really accurately report on relationship because my head is telling me things and distorting reality into something that is probably very inaccurate.  Things are not bad and we haven't fought.  But I seem to feel more distance, and that always makes me sad.  I remind myself though that a person's energy changes for millions of different reasons and we withdraw from others for a million reasons.  He isn't required to always be "on" and I should be comfortable and secure enough in our relationship to take things as they come and know that no matter what, we're okay.  I do know that.  

But this part of my brain is trying to tell me that he comes close just so he can pull away.  That he gives me something just so he can take it from me.  In other words, that he is playing cat and mouse with me.  I doubt that's actually true, and I'm working on fortifying my relationship with myself.  I think that's key.  If I can be happy alone, in any circumstance, no one can take it from me.  If I put the key to my happiness in anyone else's pocket, I'm bound to be disappointed and that's unfair to them.

I have the day off work today so I'm going to maybe watch a documentary or read a book and later I'll get caught up on cleaning.  I need to do something that makes me feel good.

Conscious Cleanse Day Seven, CHEATING, and Nein. NINE. And Horror at Horrocks!

Welllll...I cheated yesterday.  But, it was for a good reason!  First, though, in the interest of going in chronological order, I am going to paste the little bit I wrote on Day 7 while at work.  That's when I took that picture, too.  :)

HellOOOOOOOOOO!  Tom went to lunch, so you know what that means.  J  DUDE.  I feel AMAZING.  I have to admit, I was really dreading giving up caffeine.  I imagined that it would be horrible, because I have endured caffeine headaches in the past and they were awful.  However, I think all this water drinking is really helping, because I have NO withdrawals.  

In fact, I went to bed around 11 last night and woke up at 6 without even pressing snooze one time.  Usually, I press it at least twice and wish I could press it a dozen more times.  Today, though, I jumped out of bed and listened to the daily video and did the daily yoga.  I enjoyed it, it was nice.  

Yesterday and today, since I can no longer have the green tea, I’ve been drinking this Yogi Detox tea.  It’s good!  Also, the past three nights I’ve been sweating in the night.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m detoxing, getting over a cold, or if it’s hormonal.  I’m still doing some random spotting and I’m not 100% sure what that’s about.  I never am, actually – I just assumed it was ovulation, but it doesn’t happen every month, so I am really unsure.  

I feel clear headed, vibrant, positive, and energetic.  This is WONDERFUL!  Today, I give up gluten and soy.  I am a carb freak, so this may be difficult.  We do have tons of quinoa in the house, though, and I could always eat more salads.  I could even make sandwiches wrapped in lettuce rather than slices of bread!  I might try out some new clean eating recipes.  I do intend to eat much more consciously, even after the cleanse.  Why wouldn’t I?  I feel great!

Okay, then there was day ate.  EIGHT.  LOL, oh boy, I ATE.  I made reservations for the murder mystery dinner train last month for Joth and I, and there was no way I wasn't going to enjoy that to the fullest.  I had been reportedly getting a little cranky without the caffeine, and since I had already said that I was cheating that day, Joth practically force fed me a coffee.  I think if I hadn't accepted it, the next step would have involved restraints and an IV.  Hahaha.

I admit, I was a little irritable.  SENSITIVE.  I was sensitive.  I'm still spotting, but Joth pointed out that it probably is because I'm detoxing.  I bet he's right.  

So anyway, yesterday I didn't do yoga.  I didn't drink any water until dinner time.  I didn't make a smoothie.  I did go to Culvers with Joth and Tristan, I did eat ice cream, I did drink coffee, and later that evening I did drink a bottle of Cabernet, a long island, an amaretto sour, and rum and coke.  I wish I were joking.  How did I handle all of that???  It was probably the five course meal which soaked it all up.  I felt tipsy, but not nearly as wrecked as I should have been.  This morning I did have a headache, but I always do when I drink that much wine.  It's to be expected.

Normally, I have a very small appetite.  I don't know what got into me last night (other than mass quantities of alcohol), but I ate E V E R Y T H I N G.  It was good, too!  Chicken marsala with rice, a roll with butter, a chicken and dumpling soup, a salad, and a chocolate cake cream cheese type dessert.  

Joth and I got to get dressed up, and he looked GOOD.  I mean, he always looks good.  But he looked devilishly handsome all dressed up.  It was so great to see him happy like that.  I think he really liked the murder mystery, and I'm so glad.  There were actors and guests designated with roles to play, and you had to ask questions of all of the people who had roles (they were wearing badges) in order to try to solve the mystery.  All of the suspects had a binder with clues, and we were given fake money which we could bribe them with in order to get clues.  It was really fun!

After that, the cherry on top was the fetish event at the gay bar.  There were a bunch of people in a pretty small space, but it was pretty cool.  One guy was flogging people, a lady was spanking people, there was a safe sex station, a shibari (I think that's what it's called -- tying up with ropes) and some type of sensory thing, also there was a corner labeled "age play" but nothing was really going on over there except people sitting.  There were people walking around in just underwear with electrical tape over their nipples.  

I loved it!!!  Joth and I both took a turn at the spanking station, although I have to say he was able to endure quite a bit more than I could.  I liked it, though!  Never in a million years did I imagine that I'd be in the basement of some bar with my dress lifted up with some chick paddling me.  Hahaha, so awesome.

We got home and ended the perfect day with amazing sex, woke up this morning and we've been all cuddles and love.  This is really working!  We are really going to make it!  Thank goddess!!!!

Oh, this is getting long.  But I still have to talk about Horrocks.  So, I went to Horrocks for the first time ever today.  Alone.  I get overwhelmed when I do grocery shopping, so Joth usually does it for me.  But I figured that all I needed were a few cleanse-friendly items, so it would be okay.

Ha.  Hahaha.  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  I walked in and was instantly met with sensory overload.  Aisles and aisles of wonderful things, all things that I wanted.  Suddenly the line between want and need begin to blur, and I got very confused.  Presented with all of these options, I had no system for decision making.  I just started randomly grabbing things.  I kept doing that until my cart was full.  No rhyme or reason.  Hence, I ended up with 8 flavors of kefir, 6 different types of tea, and about 14 containers of ingredients for trail mix -- goji berries, dried coconut, dried cherries, walnuts, pecans, raw almonds, dried apples, unsweetened dried bananas, dried pears, dates, figs, and dried dates.  

I also got kombucha, organic sugar free green goddess salad dressing, coconut milk, free range chicken broth, raw honey, apples, fresh green beans, coconut water without sugar, flax quinoa hot cereal, pure maple syrup, stevia, sweet potatoes, goddess only knows what else.  I think I'm set.

I will admit, I really really want that ice cream in the freezer left over from Culvers.  But I will resist!  I am sipping some detox tea now, and after the boys finish their nap in the bedroom, I am committed to doing yoga.  I still feel good, even considering yesterday, sorry not sorry it was amazing.  :)

  

Goodbye, Caffeine...Hello, Weird Kundalini Yoga -- Conscious Cleanse Day 6

WOOO HOO DAY 6.  I'm feeling pretty hyper today, so there's that.  The sun is shining, though, so that helps.  Today is the day I GIVE. UP. CAFFEINE. 

Yes, I said it.  I think I've sufficiently detailed in this blog my love for coffee, so you have an idea of how difficult this seems to me.  However, I've been preparing by reducing the matcha each day until yesterday it was just a touch.  Today, I am actually feeling great!  My energy is good, that is.  But I didn't realize how much I depended on caffeine for cognitive functioning until today.  My body feels great, and my MOOD is wonderful, but my mind...it's all over the place.  I have the attention span of a goldfish.  I am thinking about taking some ginseng to see if that helps.

Giving up sugar has been difficult -- not because I miss it, but because it's in E V E R Y T H I N G.  I was looking for a snack last night and I thought about a piece of bread -- nope, high fructose corn syrup.  Crackers, corn syrup.  A spoonful of peanut butter?  SUGAR.  SUGAR IS EVERYWHERE!  Today, I accidentally had sugar.  

You see, I put 1 cup of kefir in my smoothie and 1 cup of elderberry tea.  The kefir bottle I have been bringing my smoothies to work in says, "Sweetened with stevia".  Cool, I can have stevia.  I can also have honey or pure maple syrup, in moderation.  So anyway, today I made my smoothie and I looked at the kefir bottle and didn't see the thing on that bottle about stevia.  So I looked at the ingredients, and....cane sugar.  DAMN.  I wasn't just going to throw the smoothie out, though, so whatever.  At least I have cut my consumption even if a tiny bit of sugar did sneak in.

I do miss the pleasure, the ritual, the taste, the smell, of coffee.  I imagine that this is what my mom goes through when she tries to give up diet coke.  It isn't just the caffeine, but all of the things that you associate with the caffeine that you miss.  She tells me she misses the feeling of opening the can, the sound, the coldness in her hand, the fizz on her tongue.  Me, I miss the aroma of coffee wafting up into my nostrils.  My hands wrapped around a warm mug.  The ritual of sitting and talking while sipping coffee.  I can't even have decaf!  It's okay, though.  I have some roasted dandelion root tea at work that may suffice during this cleanse.  Afterwards, I do plan to drink coffee, maybe just not to the extent that I was.  I heard about this coffee/matcha/cacao blend!  I MUST buy it!!  

Hmmmm okay.  Oh!  Yoga this morning.  It was kundalini fusion.  I have found that kundalini yoga feels amazing afterwards, but feels ridiculous and silly DURING.  It is nothing like Ashtanga or any other yoga in any way.  It's way out in left field, and I do feel rather silly.  There is really weird breathing fast through your nose (breath of fire), turning your head from side to side to side to side really fast, chanting (which I do love, it adds a mystical/spiritual flair to the practice), and LOOOOOTS of arm holding up.  My arms were BURNING.  The practice was called, "Cappuccino Kriya" and it was supposed to be naturally energizing...because today we give up caffeine.  I may, after the cleanse, opt to do one day a week of kundalini yoga.  It does make me feel amazing.

I didn't go to work today.  Austin stayed home sick from school, and last night (because today is also my day to give up alcohol) I had a few drinks and stayed up a little too late.  We were both feeling not up to it, so Joth took Tristan to school and I have been home catching up on dishes and laundry, and also I mopped the kitchen floor.

Relationship, it's pretty good.  I just have to let things be where they are.  The tide surges, it recedes.  I already know that none of it is permanent, so I'm just riding with it and taking it as it comes.  There is no question that I am staying here, so leaving isn't an option.  So what do I have to worry about?  It's more about accepting and allowing, and loving him exactly who he is in each moment, not trying to force it to be something more comfortable for me.  Knowing that trying to coax validation or reassurance from him may result in a temporary response, but if it doesn't happen naturally, it will feel forced to him and he will grow to resent me.  

He views certain things as controlling that I don't at all --  I just want him to be happy, and I want to be happy.  But in all this desperation for happiness, I may have come off as unaccepting of any behavior or emotion that did not fit into my idealized portrait of happiness.  The key, I think, is instead of getting panicked, upset, fearful, or angry at his unhappiness (which only breeds MORE, duh) I should focus on doing things which inspire joy, being supportive of all his feelings, reflecting back the happiness that I want for him, and allowing things to flow in the way that is most healing and sustainable for us.  I need to be strong now, and I know that I can.  It's a new chapter.  

Well, off to drink my water -- today I'm drinking Yogi Detox tea.  It's herbal, no caffeine, but it will flavor my water so I can drink it.  Ta ta!

Conscious Cleanse Day 5 -- Au Revoir, Sugar!

Tom just went to lunch, so I’m going to take this opportunity to write a quick update.  I feel AMAZING today!!!!  I can’t say whether it’s all the water I’ve been drinking, or the daily yoga, or my wonderful fiancé.  To be honest with you, it might not be any of those things.  You see, the sun is shining.  How can I know that I wouldn’t have felt marvelous even if I wasn’t doing the cleanse?  Oh wait, I was hypnotized too.  So these are all factors, I believe.  The end result, though, is that TODAY I feel like a goddess. 

 

Today is the day to give up sugar, but never fear – raw honey is okay, and I happen to have some of that.  I don’t eat a lot of sugar anyway….BAAAAHAHAHA.  Okay, I’m lying.  I DO sometimes eat copious amounts of sugar, but that’s usually just when I’m PMSing.  Otherwise, I do the green smoothie thing which has no sugar, some type of sandwich or soup for lunch, and cereal for a snack.  The cereal has added sugar, I think.  I have to give that up, but that’s okay.  Yesterday I only drank a tiny amount of matcha in an effort to taper off the caffeine – that ends tomorrow.  I had a bit of a headache, and I was SO SICK on top of everything, but I did a kundalini yoga video on Gaia called “Sick of Being Sick” or something like that.  It was just what I needed, I tell you!  I’m still a little stuffy, but I feel a zillion times better today.  I’m sure the elderberry tea is helping, too.  YAYYYYYYYY NATURE!

 

I guess you can see that I’m a little on the manic side, I think.  I don’t feel frenzied, just HAPPY.  The last two nights, I went to bed at around 8:30 because I know that rest is important for fighting sickness.  I believe it helped, a lot.  I already feel renewed, and I’m only 5 days in to this cleanse!  I’m all excited now about all the things I want to do.  My head feels clear, I have motivation, drive, ambition!  I’m going to keep on doing yoga every day!  I want to do a meditation challenge, too!  And go on a retreat with Joth!  And plan our wedding!  And design our business cards!  And start Aikido!!

 

I missed out on the bellydancing thing, but I’m sure she’ll have another class.  OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHH!!!  My pee is clear.  That may seem like too much information, but it’s important.  Usually it’s orange.  I always have such a hard time drinking enough water, because I don’t LIKE cold water.  Now that I am only adding the tiniest pinch of matcha to my cup and filling it 4-6 times with just hot water, I’ve realized that it isn’t water that I dislike.  I don’t mind drinking it hot!  I just don’t like it cold.  Which is curious, because according to Ayurveda, cold water isn’t good for us anyway.  I think my body knew that even before my brain had the knowledge.  Crazy, right?

 

Relaaaaaaaaaaaaationship, overall is wonderful.  I count my blessings every day and when things get tough, I remind myself that I’m infinitely happier to have him in my life no matter if things are rocky than I would be to not have him in my life at all, even with the most ideal circumstances and no other worries.  We still have issues, but I think we’re working through them more quickly and effectively.  We’re more quick to apologize and forgive.  We’re less stubborn, more loving.  After a magnificent weekend, he did seem to pull away a bit.  I tried to be cool about it, but it got to a point where I wondered if this distance was permanent, or what had caused the drastic change from the warm, loving, attentive super huggy excited kissy love to the more subdued, disinterested, almost bored vibe I suddenly got.  I wondered if I had done something wrong, said something.  His kisses were different, his energy was different.  I started to grow concerned.  We talked this morning and he assured me that everything is fine, but he’s processing some things.  I’m grateful for his honesty, and I know we’ll be okay, but it’s hard not to suddenly feel like I got kicked out of a warm, cozy house out into the cold.  He’s not GONE gone – he’ll talk to me through the cracked door, I guess, if we’re going with this analogy – but he won’t let me in.  If I try to force my way in, it has an unpleasant effect on him and I’m just supposed to let it come, let it happen.  But I’ve been waiting almost three days and I never knew what I got locked out here for.

 

I think I’m going to listen to some Alan Watts, if I can find it on this SD card.  I don’t know how to get to it from my phone.  I’m so technologically stu – errrrrrr scratch that.  I presently struggle with technology.  Which reminds me, tonight is CBT study night since I didn’t do it yesterday, and tomorrow is Ayurveda.  Back in the swing of things, WOOOOOOOOT!

Water and Snot -- Day 3 Conscious Cleanse

Hoooo boy.  Well, today is day 3 of the conscious cleanse.  And Monday.  And Mercury IS in retrograde.  I'm not feeling quite as bubbly and unstoppable as I was this weekend, but I am trying to just recognize this feeling as a passing cloud as I watch it drift by.  I am the mountain.  

I can't really say what's wrong.  I mean, I had a good day.  I got a 16 ounce cup and put a little matcha in it (since I don't have to give up caffeine yet) and filled it SIX TIMES.  That's above and beyond, since the challenge is to drink half my body weight in ounces of water.  So if I weigh 140 pounds, I need to drink 70 ounces.  I think I beat that -- and surprisingly, it didn't seem like that much.  I could totally do that every day.

Today's yoga practice was considerably more challenging than yesterday's!  There were a few poses I couldn't hold the entire time -- we had to do an excruciatingly long chair pose, without any idea of when it would end because she would say, "One more breath" and would proceed to babble for at least three more.  I got pretty sore, though, and she led pretty clearly.  Her instruction was good enough that I didn't have to look at the screen much, which was good because every time I looked down, my glasses slid down my nose and fell off my face.  She did a guided relaxation thing during savasana, which was nice.  The affirmation we were supposed to repeat throughout the practice was, "I am pure."  Ha.  Yeah.  I'm pure...

No but for real, it was about stripping off the outer layers and getting back in touch with our essence.  That ties in a little to the hypno session, because the "ME" I saw on the other side of the door was just that -- purely me, unadulterated, unfiltered.  100% Christine, no fillers added, not from concentrate.  

I am currently defeating an onslaught of germs.  I shall emerge victorious, but there is much snotshed.  And sneezing.  Or, ALMOST sneezing -- you know, when you feel like you need to sneeze, and you alllllllmost, and your nose tingles, and your eyes water...and water some more....then the sneeze goes away.  It's been like that all day.  

I calculated out what day of the cleanse I'll be on during our murder mystery dinner train date.  That day, I'm to be abstaining from caffeine, alcohol, sugar, dairy, eggs, and gluten.  Is chicken marsala gluten free?  I might cheat and have a glass of wine.  I rarely drink, and it's a special occasion.  

Okay anyway gotta get some rest.  Later!

Get Your Green On -- Day 2 Conscious Cleanse

Dude.  I had the most BRILLIANT idea yesterday.  I'm always looking for ways to simplify, right?  So I have been blending and freezing my greens ahead of time.  This way, I can get a giant bag of spinach or kale and it will last.  If I use it fresh from the fridge, it gets wilty in a matter of days.  I picked up this tip from somewhere to blend all the greens with liquid (I usually use coconut water or aloe juice) then pour the blended liquid into a muffin tin and freeze.  Just throw in a green cupcake to each smoothie, and voila.  

Well, yesterday I simplified the process even more.  It takes time for me to add all of my powdered supplements, and sometimes when I'm in a hurry I forget one or accidentally dump in waaaaaaay too much.  Everyone in this house has a cold, and flu season is upon us, so elderberries are important but I forget to take the syrup every day.  SO, here's what I did.  I made about two quarts of elderberry tea -- added about a half cup of dried elderberries to the water, then put in cinnamon, ginger, turmeric, eleuthero, astragalus, and schisandra berries.  I brought it to a boil then simmered about 15 minutes, strained out the elderberries, added raw honey.  BAM.  I can use this liquid as my base, and it already includes my supplements and honey!  ALSO, when I made my green cupcakes last night, I added in a bunch of spirulina.  I'm a smoothie genius.  ;)

Today's yoga practice was a little slower and a little longer.  The instructor was Doug Swenson, and he was very relaxed and laid back.  It felt nice to do things at a slower pace, and during the class, he gave a lot of useful information about detoxing.  

We watched the Princess Bride last night with the kids, they actually loved it!  I am so fond of that movie.  It's a timeless classic :)  I felt really close to Joth, and felt like I could barely handle the amount of love bursting forth from inside me for him.  Oh!  I almost forgot!  He hypnotized me, and it was AMAAAAAAZING!!!

I'm a very skeptical person.  I looooove when cool things happen, and I give credit where credit is due.  But I also try to judge things with a discerning mind and keep my critical thinking intact when evaluating anything.  I know that sounds weird coming from me, and I seem like completely the opposite, but it's true.  So I thought, based on my short hypnosis class and what I've read, that it would be a very relaxing time where someone does basically a guided meditation and gives you affirmations which hopefully become seeded in your consciousness, motivating you to make changes.  I didn't think hypno was a bad thing, it seemed cool.  I believed in it and everything, I just didn't believe it would be quite what I experienced.  I was impressed!

I have trouble visualizing during guided meditations, but this was like a lucid dream.  I could see things, vividly, and was interacting in this completely imaginary realm but at the same time I knew I was in the bedroom and could hear Joth's voice talking to me, so I wasn't asleep or actually dreaming.  He asked me to look at a doorway, and usually in a guided meditation, I have to struggle to call forth imagery and it feels forced, the pictures don't come very well into focus and it just seems like something I'm trying very hard to make up.  I was surprised to see a door, as clear as any physical door I have ever seen.  I noticed fine details in clear focus.  My mind would pleasantly drift completely off at times, like I left my body and I would come back and he'd be at a different part.  I heard Austin knocking at the door a few times, and if I had been meditating, that would have knocked me out of my head and straight back into my body.  Hell, even if I had been SLEEPING it would have awakened me.  But I stayed there, right in that place, I didn't lose the imagery or switch out of trance.  I have experienced it, it's the real deal, and I'm a true believer.

I think that's what I needed to experience before I could be comfortable enough to hypnotize anyone.  Now I feel confident, though, and I know it works.  He hypnotized me for fear of rejection, so we'll see over the next few weeks how that may manifest.  I'm going to try to blog every day so I can notice any changes, between that and the cleanse.

I know you don't want to hear this but it has to be said.  Last night we had the best sex I could ever have imagined, I couldn't take it.  He was oozing sex appeal, charm, and charisma.  He was channeling this super sex god mesmerizing captivating lust-inducing mind-twisting energy and it had me just overwhelmed, so ON, so enthralled, so enchanted.  It was better than drugs.  I saw him in a way that I never have before, and I was impressed and awe-struck -- I felt so super lucky that I get to be the girl beside this man.  

I feel like this is a good sign that things are healthier, and we are definitely working through our issues which makes me incredibly happy.  But I still don't know whether I feel echoed back the depth and strength of what I feel for him.  Which is fine, I don't require anything of him and I honor his feelings whatever they may be toward me.  I should know, of all people, that there's no way to force anyone to feel anything.  It's just that I ache with the intensity of passion and admiration for him, and it scares me a little that it might not be mutual.  I used to feel like he adored me in this way, but I kind of feel like I fell off the pedestal.  I know he still loves me, but I wonder if he's disenchanted and if he will ever admire me the way I do him. 

Well, we are going to work on a coaching thing for improving our lives, and we have to bring Jewel and Austin back in less than an hour.  Til tomorrow!

Renewal, New Moon, Happy Tummy -- Conscious Cleanse Day 1

Hello!  I haven't blogged in a while because the mouse for my computer is missing.  I didn't think about using the laptop, but today I was using it to access the Gaia TV Conscious Cleanse and felt like blogging afterward.  So I am.

So, about that.  Today is the first new moon of 2016 and I am committed to renewal.  I want to be better this year than I was last year.  I want to improve my relationship, my health, and my satisfaction with life.  This is the perfect time to start the cleanse.

I was going to do it before, but I got nervous because I noticed that at some point during the cleanse, you have to give up caffeine, alcohol, gluten, soy, dairy, eggs, and sugar.  I thought, no way.  But, it's only 2 weeks, not forever.  I can do this.

Today's yoga practice was called "Happy Tummy".  It was a half hour, a lot of ab work.  I definitely felt it.  Also, I got excited about yoga again!  Yeah, I could do this every day!  But not Ashtanga.  Ashtanga gave me a great body and incredibly upped my vibration.  It taught me commitment, dedication, and discipline.  But there comes a time when you just have that feeling that something has served its purpose in your life, and this is that time for me.  I'm not really a Type A person, not by nature.  I needed to temporarily adopt that persona to get my life in order, to pull myself out of the slump I had been stuck in.  I needed to be a soldier, a warrior, a fierce, stubborn, by-the-book, never give up, never say die, no excuses, exacting unrelenting striving achiever.  Had I not drawn on that archetype, I'd never have escaped the circles and cycles I had become trapped in over my lifetime.

I can feel, though, that now is the time to return to me.  I am ready.  I am wiser, I am kinder, I am stronger, I am smarter.  I am 33.  I came here to make a difference.  I am ready to stand up and be counted.  I am done shrinking in the shadows.  I am finished waiting, waiting, always waiting.  For the perfect time, the perfect mood, the perfect weather, the perfect weight.  I want to live intentionally and authentically.

I also feel a bazillion times better because we cleaned up the living space, as well.  Everything that happens in life, even it it seems bad, is a blessing.  CPS is investigating Andrew, and protocol states that they have to physically see each of his children to ensure their wellbeing.  Tristan hasn't been there since before the school year started, but they still needed to come talk to him at school and see the home.  Well, it was a disaster.  

We were really nervous and felt a bit pressured, but we joined forces and went through this place like a determined whirlwind of cleanliness.  It is 1000% better, and I can physically feel a difference.  I feel lighter.  I feel like actual clutter functions to also block energy and interfere with its flow.  It was so depressing.  It had gotten to the point where it was so bad that I didn't even know where to start, and I was constantly overwhelmed with how much there was to do.  But anyway, now that it's better, I aim to keep it that way.  A little preventative maintenance is much easier than a complete overhaul. 

As far as our relationship, it's been a little peculiar.  We have had some of the best days we've ever had over the past few weeks, but they've been interspersed with absolute horror.  I am trying to pinpoint the issue so I can isolate and analyze it, but it's difficult.  I can see that tiny things often spiral out into ridiculously disproportionate apocalyptic scenes, but I am not always successful at getting off the track once I recognize that it leads to destruction.  I try to put the brakes on, nip it in the bud, and sometimes he does too -- the problem is, we're not always both on board with letting go.  Sometimes one person wants to cling stubbornly to the negativity, despite the fact that it serves no positive purpose.  We both need to learn how to swallow our pride and focus on what matters.  We love each other.  We are perfect for each other.  It would be a shame to throw it all away over deodorant or milk.  Honestly.

My mood has been mostly good.  I would say that a larger percentage of the time, I feel stable.  The problem is that even though the unstable percentage is much smaller, it isn't any less intense feeling.  I have had feelings of suicidal ideation, despair and hopelessness, intensity of sorrow.  I will not ever kill myself, and I know this.  There are just times that I feel like it's so hard to be here, and I'm so tired, and I just wish it were over.  I didn't really deal with this last year, and the only difference that I can imagine would be yoga.  So, we'll see if that starts to improve.  

I haven't been drinking my smoothies for the past week, but that's starting again as well.  I also stopped the matcha sometime around Wednesday, so no supplements either.  Did one lead to the other, or vice versa, or both?  Was it like a depression ouroboros?  Lack of proper nutrition leads to depression, depression causes lack of motivation to tend to nutrition, which further fuels the depression, which further fuels the lack of energy or interest in eating correctly.  

Joth and I have a date next week, I'm so excited!  Sarah is doing my hair, and we're going to have a murder mystery dinner on a train, then afterwards we're going to this thing at the lower level of a local bar called "Taste of Kink".  I mean, we've both already had more than a taste by this time in our lives and it's not either of our first rodeo.  However, it would be really nice to be around other people doing something we both enjoy.

Speaking of, I'm feeling really ready to start up some type of meetup group.  I want to find my people, connect, mingle, collaborate.  

Well anyway, I'm going to keep this short because the kids are all here and I want to spend time with them.  OMG, Jewel is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD!!!!  We were going to go to a party at Elderberry today (family friendly) where they are launching flaming Christmas trees from a trebuchet, but the weather is supposed to get really awful tonight.  We're going to watch movies instead.  Last night, we had pizza and pop and ice cream cake.  Okay, gotta go!