Okay, okay, okay. I
was reading over some old entries the other day and realized I have totally
slacked off. The biggest reason is that
my job duties have changed at work, and our workload is a lot bigger than it
used to be. I used to blog on Fridays,
but now I feel guilty because there’s so much work to be done. So much has happened, though, and I really need
to make sure I update once a week.
Everything that happens in life, you think you’ll remember – but we lose
so much. Good and bad, I like having a
journal with details I might have forgotten, fun things I did with the kids,
important lessons I learned, accomplishments, insights, failures and successes.
We’ve been through this before and I already know that there’s
no way to catch this up. I’ll break it
into sections and summarize, then moving forward I’ll make sure to stay
current!
JOB: I’m still
contracting at Kelloggs. My year ended
in October and they extended Tom and me to the end of the year. Then, they extended me to February 21. Tom started 8 weeks before I did, so they
couldn’t extend him again. To be honest,
I was hoping against the extension. I
wanted to get unemployment and relax for a little bit. I know that sounds horrible, but I need a
break. Not a vacation day when the kids
are home and I can’t get anything done, but a decent chunk of time that I can
use to clean and organize. If my
assignment had just ended, I’d have been eligible for unemployment. But, since they extended me, I can’t refuse
work so…here I am. It’s not bad,
really. It isn’t my passion or anything,
and I’ve grown bored with it long ago.
My productivity has dropped a lot and my focus is pretty much
nonexistent. I have an expiration date
with most things, jobs, hobbies, relationships.
I’m the best you’ve ever seen for about a year. After that, shit gets stale.
I’m pretty sure I mentioned that we had to let the Holistic
Health Center go. In a way, it was a
huge disappointment, but a part of me felt from the beginning that it would go
that way. I tried to fight it and I
really did put a lot of energy and effort into it, not to mention money. It just wasn’t FOR us, not the way we thought
it would be. We need to do our own
thing, and not be in charge of other peoples’ schedules, and especially not be
in charge of collecting rent from other people and giving it to someone
else. I learned a lot about setting up
websites, Facebook business pages, how to lead a meditation circle, how to
attune to reiki and lead a reiki share, how to make flyers and business cards,
using business Paypal and Ecommerce, the importance of reviews, and discovered
areas of focus that need to be strengthened.
We need to learn more about financial management/budgeting, also to be
better about scheduling and punctuality.
And marketing. Since it was a
great learning experience, though, I’m not going to put it in the failure
category. I definitely grew from that.
As far as Joth, he’s bringing in some money too which
definitely helps ease the financial stress.
I took on the car payment with the expectation that we’d be having much
more money flowing in from his private practice than we ever did, and it was my
fault for making plans based on something I hadn’t seen yet. I should have waited to see the cash flow
before making that decision, but it is what it is and I really did need a
car. I like being independent and
self-sufficient. Even though now that it’s
cold and the walk from the parking lot to work is too long for me so Joth
drives me, it’s still nice to have the ability to go somewhere if I want. One thing I hated before I got a car was how
I would feel like I had to behave a certain way or risk losing my ride to
work. Or how he would just take off
whenever wherever if he felt like it and I could never do the same. I have discovered, though, that even though I
have my own car now and I CAN take off at any time – I don’t. It’s just not me.
I wish I could, because I want him to know how much that
feeling sucks, just being left behind like you don’t matter. I want him to wonder where I am and when I’m
coming home, and understand that’s a pretty shitty thing to do to someone. But that’s the point. It IS a shitty thing to do to someone, and believe
it or not, when I have a conscious choice to make I prefer to choose whatever
is going to bring us closer. How can we
work out our problems if I’m not there?
I understand needing a breather, but being gone all night is punitive
and unnecessary. However, I remain
committed to the idea that if someone can dish it out, they had better be
prepared to take it. Joth can call it
vengeance if he wants and pretend as if it invalidates the right to expect
equal treatment, but I do not do double standards. You will play by your own rules. He has already established that it is okay to
leave without notice and be gone all night.
So, when I do it, he has no right to be upset. He doesn’t make all the rules in this
relationship. He didn’t need my approval
to leave all night, so I will not ask for his when I do it. It’s just a little harder for me because I
have Tristan all the time, so I’d have to bring him with me or leave him with
Joth. And that’s not fair to spring
surprise babysitting duty on someone. Not
to him OR to Tristan. I guess that’s a
good segue into the next topic.
RELATIONSHIP: Things
were amazing for a while, in a way but not really. I mean, they were great, don’t get me
wrong. But a few tiny things embedded
into my heart during the time that things were blissful and they continued to
fester there. Because everything else
was so great, I was able to just keep ignoring them, explaining them away,
softening them with excuses I didn’t buy and stories I knew to be lies. It was too painful. I feel myself getting all tight in the chest
right now so I don’t think I can talk about it, but basically we got very close
and things were very wonderful. We had
some sexual exploration which was very fulfilling and exciting for me, because
I didn’t think we’d ever progress beyond where we were sexually and I was
deeply unsatisfied. I like a pretty wild
sex life, but I like how with Joth, we waited until we built a solid foundation
of trust before introducing other people.
I didn’t experience any jealousy, not really. When something happened that I was
uncomfortable with, I just expressed my feelings and they were respected. When other people were hurt because of
something that involved me, they communicated their feelings and we were all
still friends after all that. I can’t
open back up right now, though, and I’m not sure where our future path will
lead us sexually. It just seems
sometimes that that particular area is too fraught with danger and may be best
avoided. I ended up shutting down
sexually and I’m still pretty much in that mode. I can’t really talk about it right now, but
maybe someday I will.
Emotionally, we went through a REALLLLLLLLLY rough
patch. I’m sure you can tell by the
poems and entries previous to this. I’m
not denying wrongdoing or acting innocent, I was horrible. He has a side to him that is positively
awful, and the worst part is that he absolutely doesn’t see it. Because of my frustration with his failure or
inability to recognize his own darkness, I became motivated to make a conscious
decision to be more aware of mine. It’s
hard, though, when you own your demons and the other person still doesn’t, but
I’m not in charge of him and he’s not my responsibility to fix or to teach or
anything. I just need to work on myself and be okay with the possibility that
he may never acknowledge or understand the degree to which he hurts me. I just need to become aware of the way I hurt
him, and be conscious of my own shadow so I can confront it and neutralize
it. I will say this, though. There is a very bad aspect of me that has
done considerable damage to this relationship.
But I promise you, on my life and the life of my children, he has an
ugly monster rearing its head in him too and it makes no difference if he
denies it, I have felt its bite. And he
has damaged this relationship far more than he will ever know, and I need to
realize that he will never, and that in his eyes I will always be the bad guy,
and the stories will always be rewritten and distorted, our history twisted and
details left out or added to fake the appearance of perpetual victimhood on his
end. And that has to be okay. I know the truth, and he can never take that
away from me. My memories are out of his
reach, and I am too strong to let myself be brainwashed and gaslighted into
believing that everything is my fault.
It isn’t. No one will ever
convince me that I’m to blame for his mistakes, or that I deserved to be hurt. If I am to recognize that I hurt him, and it
was my choice and my decision, therefore my responsibility, and no one else is
to blame for it, and whatever triggered me is not in charge of my body or mind,
if I am to accept the full responsibility that falls on me and take ownership
of my actions….how can I do that, yet excuse his? How can I justify in him actions that I won’t
tolerate from myself? If I say, it’s
okay for him to yell at me because I yelled at him before, won’t a part of my
brain believe that I can do anything without being at fault as long as he’s
done it before? It would. If I don’t hold him accountable, how can I
expect to hold myself accountable? And I
really want to do that. I am determined
to be the most healthy, respectful, effective communicator on the planet.
Thankfully, he’s given me the most amazing training ground. :-D
WEDDING: Well, again,
this is another thing I had a feeling about from the beginning. Obviously it’s not happening, big surprise,
right? His mom had told him that she was
giving us a bunch of money for the wedding, but as the date grew ever nearer
and the money still failed to appear, I began to understand that this wasn’t
going to go off as planned. With my car
payment and insurance payment, I took $600 a month that could have been going
toward the wedding out of our pockets.
But I only did that because I assumed he’d be making even more than that, but it didn’t work out that
way. Water under the bridge. (I accidentally typed “bride” instead of bridge
at first, lol) His mom said we could
have it at her house in the summer, but I still want to get married in February
even if it’s small. We can have a
celebration/open house in the summer. I
think we need to be married for 2 years before he can adopt Tristan, and I want
to do that before his biological father gets one of those random stupid tugs of
conscience and decides to make a half ass attempt to be a father before he gets
bored with it and disappears again. I
know, I know. With all the problems we’ve
had, is marriage a smart move? I think
we have immense potential. Our ugly
sides are hideous and to be sure they present a special challenge. But our beautiful sides are so connected and
magical that I know it’s going to be worth it.
In fact, we are working with a relationship coach starting next
Monday. Or was it Tuesday? I can’t remember, but it’s in the calendar. I’m excited for that.
FAMILY: Since it’s
the holidays, of course we’ve been having family things happening a lot
lately. Let’s rewind, let’s see, I
updated that we went to Elderberry for the burn with the kids. Orphanarium Carnivale. We also went to Everybody’s Birthday, which
was a one night party. We went to
Elderberry After Dark, the Halloween party.
Another one nighter. Then we went
to Flaming Pumpkins Hoedown, where John the Painter flung flaming pumpkins from
the trebuchet. Ahhhh, good times :-D That was another one night party. Anyway, we started to get to know some of the
group, I guess you’d say the other people that attend regularly, familiar faces
you see every time. We started
developing friendships with them and getting to know people more every time we
saw them, and got invited to a Thanksgiving party with them at Cheetah’s
house. (Obviously not her real
name). At that party, we got to know
some of the other people even better, and got invited to a Craft night in
December. That was a really good time
and it’s so nourishing for my soul to be around the good people with the good
energy, to be able to relax in the acceptance of people who don’t have any
interest in judging me, truly good, genuine people with warm hearts and sincere
intentions. I love these people and I
will intentionally and consciously make sure I nurture these friendships and
keep them in my life, because they give me hope. Artists and musicians and fire performers and
hula hoopers, into crystals and essential oils and yoga and being conscious but
also partying and being healthy but also not, not at all; being aware but also
not above getting drunk sometimes too.
Speaking of crafting, I’ve been getting back to making skin
care stuff and I made a Facebook business page called Bee Priestess Sacred Skin
Care. I got a connection to raw honey
and local beeswax here in Battle Creek, and also a friend connected me with
people that can get me CBD oil to incorporate into my recipes for topicals. I am a firm believer in the healing properties
of cannabis and have been a champion for legalization since I was 15. I studied and learned and researched, and I
have known for a long time what the government is just now, finally,
reluctantly, coming out to admit.
Marijuana is medicine. Topically,
though, it doesn’t even get you high – it is good for pain, inflammation,
psoriasis, even period cramps. Why
wouldn’t we use this? It’s a plant given
to us with so many natural benefits, and we want to send someone to the
drugstore for opiates instead, hoping they don’t wind up shooting heroin when
their pill supply is cut off and they’re hooked? The crazy thing about CBD oil, though, even
though it has virtually no THC and is legal to possess and use – it is NOT
legal to make. Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? It comes from hemp, a different plant than
the marijuana people use to get high.
Being as such, you’d think you could grow it, right? NOPE.
It’s only approved in Michigan to be grown for research purposes at
certain colleges. THAT IS SO
STUPID. On that logic, why aren’t
poppyseeds illegal? I’m pretty sure we
can grow poppies, even though opium comes from poppies, right? Poppies.
Heh. I like that word.
Joth got me a ukulele for Solstice! I’m so excited to learn, I’ve been wanting to
learn an instrument WOOOOOOOO! I was a
little LESS excited once I learned how HARD it is to hold your fingers right
when you’re strumming. I feel clumsy and
awkward and I fear I’ll never get it right, but hey, it never hurts to
try. I might surprise myself! Okay well I really should go. More next week, I promise!
