Matcha

I know that I haven’t posted in quite some time, but I’m still here!  It’s going to take quite a lot to catch up, which I hate, because every tiny thing is relevant.  I just don’t have time to list them all, though.  I always intend to blog daily, but life happens.  Especially during the holidays.  Speaking of, we had a pretty good solstice overall – I consider our first holiday season as a fully merged family a success.  We read the traditional Winter Solstice book, this time with Joth and Austin.  Shyloh was even there, too.  The boys got recording quad copter/drone things, which they loved.  We also got them gis to wear to Aikido, and surprised them by letting them know we’d be taking it as a family.  I don’t think Tristan is very excited yet, because he’s thinking of when he took karate and hated it.  His psychiatrist recommended Tae Kwon Do, though, so I think this will be a perfect fit.  Tom just came back to his desk so more later.  J  Well, he put his headphones in, so maybe he won’t notice the furious flurry of fingers across the keyboard.  That was ALMOST alliteration.  Alas, almost an amazing alliteration.  ;)  I feel silly today.

 

Let’s see, mood tracking – well, let me tell you!  I have discovered some phenomenal things!  I was researching herbs known to boost cognition, and ordered some gotu kola, schisandra berries, astragalus, eleuthero root…ohhhh haha.  I mentioned that already.  I guess my memory has not yet improved.  J  Well anyway, I got a rash on the inside of my elbow during the gotu kola week and it seemed to be getting worse.  I stopped, and it went away.  That would be sad if I am allergic to it, but I’ll test it again soon to be sure.  I get bummed when super awesome supplements don’t work well with me, like maca.  I WANTED maca to work, so badly.  It seemed perfect for me.  *sigh*  C’est la vie.  Wait, did I mention the bacopa?  I’m doing bacopa monnieri with rhodiola rosea in matcha.  It’s AMAZING.  First of all, I’m getting my water intake – I get a 16oz cup and fill it with hot water when I get to work.  I put about 2 teaspoons of each in the hot water and stir it up.  Toward the bottom, it’s still gritty and powdery so when I get down to the last quarter inch or so in the cup, I fill it again.  I can do this 3 times and it still has flavor.  ANNNNND, I’m getting…ummm…what’s 16 times 3?  8 times 6…48.  I am getting about 48 ounces of water, which is a drastic increase from ZERO.  ANNNNND, I don’t drink coffee at work anymore!  I don’t have to, thanks to the matcha!!!

 

Eleuthero seemed to up my sexual energy and confidence, but not in an overly masculine, aggressive way.  It was a satisfied, open, warm, peaceful fire instead of a raging, burning, hungry, consuming fire.  It was accepting instead of insistent.  I liked it.  The gotu kola made me feel very zen.  I’ll use Joth’s word here, I was unperturbable.  I like that word.  Anyway, it was like walking around in a little zen bubble, where nothing could get in and interfere with me.  The bad thing about that, though, was that nothing really got to me…in a good way OR a bad way.  I did feel a bit flat.  I wasn’t impulsively reactive, but I wasn’t passionate or excited about anything.  It’s hard to explain.  It might be great for monks or priests, but I do welcome a LITTLE excitement into my life, you know what I mean?  If I was going to sit and meditate all day, sure.  But…it may be better tweaked with something else. 

 

The bacopa and rhodiola with matcha seems to be working, so next week I’m going to try to add in gotu kola and eleuthero.  OoooOOOOOooo, I’m so super excited!  Okay so what else.  Shyloh stayed with us for about a week, she found a job working at residences for adult foster care but Ema apparently kicked her out.  She’s staying with her friend Jason now, until she can save for a house.  Or whatever happens now, since Joth’s mom said she might be moving to Florida.  Joth and I were looking at some houses in the area, but if she moves, then we’d be staying there but in the big part of the house.  If Shy stayed there too, we’d have another person to help with expenses…and there’s definitely plenty of room.  Plus, she said she’d babysit whenever we need her to if we let her know ahead of time.  Joth and I don’t fight as often as we were last month, and the bad parts are now less frequent, less severe, and of shorter duration.  But, we still have some spots to be smoothed out.  It reminds me of that book about love that Don Miguel Ruiz wrote.  The name escapes me…something about the Mastery of Love.  Or maybe that’s it.  Anyway, it’s like we’re bruised all over from being hurt so much that whenever someone tries to touch us it’s like, ow oww owwww and I just imagine Joth and I like two totally purple bruised up people trying to dance this crazy tango of life but no matter how careful we are, we keep pressing into the wounds of the other.  Anyway, Shyloh recognized some kind of super magic between us and is emphatic that THIS relationship NEEDS to happen.  I have to say, I agree.  I think of all the unexplainable synchronicities, and how we know what the other is thinking, and how exhilarating it is when we’re connected…that can’t be by accident.  It’s not just any throwaway dime a dozen time killing relationship.  This is IT.  I can’t give up without giving it my all.  I’m glad Shy is supportive as well.  It’s really good to have a friend, too.

 

That reminds me!  We had a super cosmic, important, magical event!  On the 23^rd (just two days after the winter solstice and two days before the full moon), we had a reunion of the old Goddess Tarot group!  Ohhhh, MAN.  I can’t even tell you how cool that was!  Jewel was a baby when all that started.  That’s how I met Debbie, and through her, I met Shy (who was Jace at the time).  So, the group was Debbie, Shy, Annie, Dawn, and myself.  We went through each individual card in the Goddess Tarot deck and workbook, and got together once a week.  Damn, I miss those sisterly magical times.  But we all remarked about how it was like we just saw each other yesterday and no time had passed at all…even though Chyna was 12 when I last saw her, and now she’s 22!  WHAT?!  Chyna is Dawn’s daughter.  We had a coming of age camping trip for her, and we gave her gifts to celebrate her first moon.  She still has the journal I gave her that weekend, with a poem I wrote glued to the inside cover.  She filled the journal.  I can’t believe she still has it!  You just never know how you affect the lives of others. 

This is part two, just in case the writing sounds different.  I didn’t get a chance to finish this yesterday, but Tom has been slacking all day so I don’t feel guilty taking a few minutes to add to the entry.  So, as far as mood, all is fairly well.  I still feel very resilient and not as easily triggered.  If I am, I can pull back out of it.  There are issues, as I imagine there always will be until the end of time in any interpersonal relationship.  Conflict happens, and I don’t feel like feeding the negativity.  The bottom line is that I still believe wholeheartedly that I am giving this my all, so whatever happens from there, whatever may be fated to be, I am content to allow it.   

My period is “late”, but we go through this almost every month.  It can’t really be considered late if it’s never on time, you know?  I have been researching what it means to have a long cycle, or irregular cycles, and it just means that there is probably a hormone imbalance which I already suspected.  No biggie, I’ve got this.  It’s recommended that I visit my doctor, but I’ve done that already and according to the bloodwork, there was no reason to be alarmed.  He said if it continued, the next step would be an ultrasound.  I don’t have insurance now, though, and I can think of much bigger problems than a flaky period.  What other type of period would I have, anyway?  This is ME.  LOL 

The interesting thing is, I was reading about what it means if you bleed on the full moon, which I have been for the last couple months.  It indicates that you need to slow down and nurture yourself, since women in rhythm with nature actually should be ovulating at the full moon and bleeding on the new.  I take this as an indication that I am moving toward a healthier place, and I definitely feel that way inside as well.  I’m still sipping on my matcha and feeling great.  I never thought I could make it through a day of work without coffee!  And yes, it’s still caffeine, but I read that it releases more slowly and is more gentle than caffeine in coffee because of the tannin.  So, matcha is like time release coffee.  No surge, no crash, no jitters.  I LOOOOOOVE it!

It seemed like there was something really important that I wanted to talk about.  Well shoot, it’s been so long, I hate when I do that because I know I’m leaving something out but I can’t think of what it might be.  OMG did I mention the LED hula hoop???!!  Or, the RV.  Or the light up wedding rings??!!!  So, Joth got me for solstice a singing bowl and an LED hula hoop.  That’s a man after my own heart, right there…he knows me so well!  I wasn’t able to surprise him with his gift because he mentioned that he was going to get one, and I had to spill the beans.  I think it worked out better this way, though, because I wouldn’t have known which multitool to pick out.  Since he knew anyway, I just told him to pick the one he wanted.  He may not have been surprised, but I think at least he’s happy with it.

Okay, and we had this crazy weekend of insane manifestation.  I can’t even describe how weird this was.  It was over the top.  We’d talk about something, and it would happen.  For example, I had been wanting to take bellydancing and had searched for any classes in BC and found none.  I got a random, out of nowhere friend request from a girl who lives in Battle Creek who teaches bellydance, and classes start next week.  I have no idea how or why she added me.  Tristan was talking about how he wanted me to buy him a thumb drive, and we got home and I had forgotten.  I went to open the mail, and there was an envelope from my temp agency with a small holiday gift for me – a thumb drive.  I had ordered some books for the kids and as I was reading the inside of the jacket of one aloud, Shyloh said, “That one’s for Shyloh!” when I looked in the box, I saw that they had mistakenly sent me an extra one.  Of that very book.  So naturally, I gave it to her!

Oh, yeah, and the RV.  We’ve been talking for a long time about getting an RV, but of course we have to save up, and they’re expensive.  When Eric came, he was telling me about some on sale on Craigslist in Detroit for only 3k, which is a good deal.  Joth’s friend Jeff came over and we were talking about that, and HE told me that his neighbor has an RV that runs and everything works in it for just 1500!  It’s cheap because the guy got it for free when the owner died.  We’re totally going to buy it.  It’s meant to be!!!!

There were more things, small and large, weird and useful.  It was beyond affirmation that we make powerful magic together.  We were definitely vibing in harmony.  Sometimes, the universe gives us a delicious peek of the things we can do as long as we maintain a clear connection.  When things clog up the hose, the magic doesn’t flow as well.  But when we’re good, it’s ALL good.  And in order for US to be good, we both need to focus on making ourselves good.  I wish Joth could understand the importance of self care.  He is there for me, which has helped me and I appreciate endlessly.  But he isn’t attending to himself because he’s trying to be there for everyone else, which is noble, but will still ultimately lead to breakdown.  I really want to make wellness a priority this new year.  Nutrition, exercise, meditation, learning.  It’s good that we’ll be doing aikido, also.  I’m excited for that – I think it’ll be good for all of us.

Speaking of the New Year, we’re going to a little party here in town at the Music Factory.  It includes a concert – Saving Abel, not a bad band! – dinner, AND a champagne toast.  It’s just $25!  I’m super excited.  Since I have the day off tomorrow and we have both boys, I want to make vision boards.  I predict they’re not going to want to (at least Tristan won’t) because video games are his life.  But this new year is bringing changes, and responsibilities are included on that list.  Yeah, I’m talking about CHORES.  I know that he’ll resist at first, but as long as I’m persistent, he’ll know I’m serious.  I guess I should get back to doing more work, even though I’m the only one DOING any today.  *sigh*  Oh well, at least Tom hasn’t said anything about me typing. 

Gotu Kola

I’m learning some super important lessons lately.  At first, my motivation to change was to improve my relationship.  I needed to figure out what to do to make him want to stay, and in my determination, found the motivation and strength I needed to push past my old patterns and stay conscious of my actions.  But over time, this has evolved.  The goal isn’t to make anyone stay anywhere.  The goal is to keep myself where I’m supposed to be, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.  If I hold myself to the highest standard of utmost integrity and conduct beyond reproach, no matter what happens in the external, I have won.  Period. 

This battle isn’t about convincing anyone of anything, or demonstrating my worth or dedication, figuring out how to be good enough.  I read this quote the other day – actually, Bim wrote it.  He said something about how we haven’t all been dealt the same deck, and that we should worry more about playing our hand well than how someone else is playing theirs.  I am accountable for me, and as long as I’m doing my best (which I am), whatever is meant to happen will follow from there. 

Make no mistake, I love Joth with all my heart.  I don’t imagine that I would ever feel quite the same way about anyone, not in this way.  That isn’t to say that I couldn’t have another relationship, and maybe even a happy one.  This is the relationship to precipitate change, the catalyst for expansion.  I do hope we’re meant to stay together.  But I need to stop resisting so hard the idea that “what if we’re not”?  I need to be comfortable with all possibilities, and stop living my life in fear of an outcome that I dread, changing myself and compromising who I am to try to manufacture the desired outcome. 

I vow to choose him or leave if I find that I no longer can.  I vow to give him the best I have to give every day.  I vow to never give up on the mission of improvement, and to get myself back up every single time I fall and try again.  From there, it’s up to him to choose what he wants, and I also vow not to stand in the way of whatever decisions he feels are right for his soul path.  A person can only do so much.  And why would I want that, why would I sentence someone I truly love to a lifetime with me if that wasn’t bringing them joy? 

I feel at peace.  I feel calm.  I have been taking the gotu kola this week, which I can definitely feel.  I’ll attach an article about it which I definitely relate to.  I haven’t done yoga yet, but my sleep schedule has been messed up and Shyloh came over and we stuffed ourselves with pizza last night so now it’s Thursday and I’m writing a run on sentence about how I’m going to do yoga tonight and if I do today, tomorrow, and Saturday, I can still make three days this week which isn’t bad because last week I did four and the week before that I did five so next week I could go back up to four then five then six and then I can stay at six.  WHEW.  LOL

Sticking with the smoothies, obviously.  I started adding limes because Joth’s mom gave us like a thousand.  They taste really good, and are apparently good for your skin.  The kids are on winter break next week, so they’ll get to hang out with Joth.  I am thinking about taking a day or two off to get the house clean, but it’s unpaid so probably just one.  My boss said it would be a good time to do it, since so many people are out on holiday so there isn’t much work to do.  I was going to type more but Tom (my co-worker who sits beside me) asked me if I was typing the Gettysburg Address and I suppose that I should get back to work.  Toodles!

http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/gotu-kola-benefits-of-the-herb-of-enlightenment/

Why can't you just forgive me? I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made, aloooooonnnnnnggggggg theeeeeeeeeeee waaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Well, it looks like we're back to song lyrics, at least for the moment.  I love how I got all motivated and made this plan to make a daily template and completely dropped it.  Par for the course.

I thought it wasn't mania, I thought it was something closer to enlightenment.  As the days went by and the euphoria lasted, I really thought I figured it out this time.  I thought the yoga was fixing all of my problems and magically I had transcended bipolar.  Ha.

Pretty soon, the hypersexuality started, and that was a clue to me.  I thought maybe it was stimulated by the eleuthero root I had been adding to my smoothies, and maybe it was.  However, it was a familiar feeling and when I recalled the other times it had beset me, I remembered where it had taken me and I did wonder for a moment whether I should be worried.  Caught up in the throes of a powerful episode like this, I have been known to follow my insatiable lust indiscriminately.  I have hurt others and myself, because in the end, I was just as unsatisfied as before but I had lost a lot on the way.  

That's the thing about hypersexuality.  You crave it.  You need it.  Your brain is hijacked with this unrelenting NEED and you can't rest until you fill it.  I have chased this dragon before.  But I learned -- even filling it does not satisfy it.  A few different outcomes can happen.  You can end up having bad sex, which honestly is the usual.  The reality doesn't live up to the overhyped expectation of your fiendish mind and you're let down.  On the other hand, rarely you end up having great sex.  This isn't satisfying either, because it's so good you want more.  The more you have, the more you want.  It isn't like pie where you get full, or sick of it.  Good sex is like crack.  The problem is, though, people are people.  Humans with emotions, not pleasure dispensers.  It is unfair to expect a person to continue to fill that need without things getting muddled with feelings or attachment.  Then things get awkward.

This doesn't apply to me now, because I'm in a committed relationship and I'm not straying.  I already know there is no point, because statistically the odds are that it would be less satisfying than what I already have and it would hurt the relationship I have with him for no long term benefit.  It's a lose/lose.  But the frustration...oh my god, I was beside myself.  I mean, it was so bad that I was looking at a word that I had written and I noticed that the letter W (not like the typed one, because I use rounded ends, not points) looked like a pair of breasts and it looked sexy.  Yeah, I am not kidding.  The letter W made me horny.  True story.  Then, there were the dreams.  I've been having dreams where I orgasm in my sleep.  In my waking life, I'm constantly precipitously close to the edge and all it takes is about ten seconds...but the relief only lasts minutes.  

A lot of people think nymphomania, which is just a longer term version of hypersexuality, is hot and sexy.  Not so, my friend.  Let me tell you that there is no satisfaction to be found, and the maddening desire to find it leads to many bad places.  I'm not going to those places, but I AM going half out of my mind.  

I thought it would be fun to explore something kinky with Joth.  He was a part of the fetish scene in AZ, and that's definitely something I could get down with.  I need an outlet for all of this sexual energy.  I'd rather he be a part of it so we can use it to the benefit of our relationship.  I've thought about asking him about having an open relationship, but I don't know if we're at a place yet where we could handle that.  Not necessarily because of trust or jealousy, but because we need to figure out how to deal with the issues we already have before we attempt to navigate such tricky waters.   

Anyway, this entry wasn't supposed to be all about sex.  I was actually trying to segue into current mood situation.  Anyway, it definitely was mania because it started to turn on me yesterday.  You know, the fear, the paranoia.  It isn't that I'm actually afraid of anything specific, it's just that the high levels of dopamine put me into fight or flight and my adrenaline is running high.  I woke up in the middle of the night terrified, gasping as I often do when I'm very manic.  When I get to this part, Joth and I tend to have problems.  

I babysat my sister's boys last night, and when I got home this morning, the door was locked.  I almost lost my mind.  I know, stupid, right?  But every little thing goes instantly to emergency status until I've convinced myself of a worst case scenario doomsday story and I think everyone is a zombie trying to eat my brain.  Anyway, I tried to keep myself collected.  I did better than I did before, but SHIT why do we have to argue EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND?  

I was really optimistic about things, I've been trying really hard for the past two weeks and I really thought we were going to be awesome again like we used to.  Then, like clockwork, Saturday, argument.  I got so frustrated.  I don't know what else to do.  I'm pouring my heart and soul into this and it feels like it's getting better for a minute then BAM!  I'm blindsided by bad.  

I don't want to give up hope, and I really thought we had something magical.  He seems to agree with me less and less about that, though, and it makes me wonder if he stopped feeling that way for good.  If it's too late.  When I said forever, he said it back just as emphatically.  When I said soulmates, he agreed wholeheartedly.  Now, when I say we're going to make it, he shrugs and says "I guess maybe we might" etc.  

Something feels like it's gone and I worry about it ever coming back.  Maybe our moment has passed.  Maybe I was wrong to think this could be saved.  Maybe I'm chasing something that doesn't exist anymore -- maybe it's like those dreams.  The passion, the connection, the fierce dedication -- I felt them all, and abruptly I didn't.  And now I'm searching and searching but I just know, like I do in the dream, that my search will be fruitless.

I'm not ready to accept that yet.  I bet everything on this.  I planned on this.  I am stubbornly throwing myself on the altar of love and pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into making this work.  But is that what he wants, or am I wasting my time?

Wednesday

What is today, day 4?  I think so.  I took a rest day yesterday, which my body really needed.  I know that the best thing for sore muscles from yoga is more yoga, but we had both of the boys and I just wanted to relax.  So I did.  I didn’t take my supplements yesterday, but I did drink my smoothie.  I did turmeric, cinnamon, raw honey, ashwagandha, chia seeds, hemp protein, goji berry boost, aloe, kefir, 2 cups of spinach and kale, a banana, a carrot, a cucumber, and a cup of frozen berries.  Today I did pretty much the same thing but I also took my vitamins and I added ginger.  The funny thing is, I meant to add a tiny pinch of ginger, but wayyyyyyyyyy too much fell out.  My smoothie was pretty spicy J  The cool thing is, though, that I read that ginger is good for sore muscles!  So maybe that happened for a reason, because that’s what my body needed.  I went through 2 blenders in as many days – nothing can really measure up to my Ninja.  I looooooooove it so much <3 <3 <3

 

Mood, well, mood!  It’s been lovely!  Yesterday, I was a little bit irritable for a short period of time.  I had forgotten my coffee, though, and that makes a huge difference.  I’m really giving my all to my relationship with Joth and I feel like it’s making a difference.  I feel happier and more content with life in general, and I feel my mind opening up to possibilities again. I want to read, I want to meditate, I want to make things and do things and meet people and enjoy life.  This is how I felt when I first started doing yoga – why did I ever stop????

 

Work is going well, I keep procrastinating on these W2s that my temp agency needs.  I just don’t have time to wait on hold with the IRS for an hour like I did the first time I requested them.  What a pain in the butt.  Why can’t they do that themselves?  It isn’t my job to verify my employment for them.  At least it shouldn’t be.

 

Brian apologized for Sunday, but I had already emailed FOC.  I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’ll wait to see if they send anything out.  I just get so frustrated when I’m trying to be the best everything I can and feeling like I’m failing at every endeavor.  I want to be a good mom, a good employee, a good friend, a good girlfriend, but the things one requires take away from the energy needed to do the things the other requires and I just don’t have enough to spread around, so then I fall short in every category and everyone’s unhappy.  UGH why am I so worried about what other people think of me anyway? 

 

I am definitely going to do yoga tonight, no doubt about it.  I’m excited for it!  And today is Friday Eve, so that makes me very happy and excited as well.  Joth’s birthday is on Monday so we’re going to hopefully find a babysitter for Tristan so we can go out this weekend to celebrate.  Oh my gosh, I have had to pee so much the past few days.  I have a feeling that this is the amount that most normal people pee every day, but I am a non peeing person, so it feels excessive.  I am about to go for the third time today!  A lot of times, my first time peeing is right before I go home for the day!

 

Tristan’s had some attitude problems lately and I need to figure out how to deal with them.  He’s ungrateful and entitled, and I don’t want to set the stage for him to get into a relationship later in life where he is demanding of his wife and never happy with what she does for him…oh my god.  Like BRIAN was!  Tristan IS a Virgo, like Brian.  That was my biggest problem with him – all the criticizing.  No matter what I did right, I felt like it was never good enough.  I could clean the entire kitchen and he’d focus on how I did the dishes WRONG.  I could vacuum the whole house and he’d mention the spot I missed.  I made him breakfast in bed one morning (blueberry pancakes) and all he said was, “I hate blueberries”.  I made him bacon and he complained that it wasn’t crispy enough.  I do NOT want Tristan to be that way – but I’m letting him get away with it now!  How do I stop this????  If I make him a sandwich and accidentally put mustard, instead of thanking me for making him a sandwich, he’ll complain about the mustard. 

 

Now, appreciation is one of those things that I don’t feel like I get to demand.  I DO model sincere gratitude by thanking him for being ready on time, or bringing me something, or picking up after himself, etc.  I try to show gratitude to everyone so he can see and follow my lead.  Except he doesn’t.  Why is he such a surly, glass half empty kind of kid?  How do I turn this around?  I could force him to SAY he’s grateful, but how do I get him to actually FEEL grateful?  It’s a tricky one.  He’d be much happier if he could experience the blessings he has, if he knew the potential for joy available to him.  It makes me sad that he doesn’t.  Especially considering how much worse his life could BE if he had to still be at his Dad’s!

Okay, so post-script...I just did yoga.  It was amazing.  I feel happy, but at the same time, I feel really lonely and sad.  This happens a lot when I get approach the feeling of oneness, when my illusions start to fall away along with the separating distinctions.  Borders blur, barriers melt, distance ceases to exist.  You would think that feeling one with everything would make me feel happy, and in a way, it does.  But at the same time, it also makes me feel like I'm just part of one big thing.  And there are no other big things.  It's just me, and I'm alone.

I don't mean that in an egotistical sense.  I mean that as if I were a cell who awakens to the knowledge that I am just part of one body, one consciousness, one individual.  But at the same time that my body has one consciousness, don't all of the cells making UP my body have individual consciousness as well?  And doesn't the universe as a whole have a single consciousness?  So what does that mean about my individuality, or the individuality the parts of which I am composed?  I am going to give myself a headache.  All I can say is that I feel an unquenchable loneliness.

I had one of those dreams again.  I repetitively dream about Peace Fest, and I don't understand why.  I also used to repetitively dream about losing an important person -- not that they would die, but they would just suddenly be gone.  I would search for them and call their name, but I just knew that I would never find them.  Also, there is a sense of time running out when I am searching because I know that I'm about to wake up.  This person, a best friend or a boyfriend or whatever, will be there in the dream with me by my side and I'll feel so happy.  Ecstatic.  Like I'm finally complete.  But then they're gone.  

I thought that I had only felt that because I was searching in this lifetime for that feeling that I had never experienced in the real world until I met Joth.  And in truth, I DID feel like that with Joth -- like I was finally complete.  Like we were whole.  I was home.  I had only felt that before in those bittersweet dreams, except that this time I thought I wouldn't experience what follows -- the disappearance.  Two nights ago, though, I dreamed that we had to hide.  We were going to Peace Fest, but people were after us.  It was like we were on the underground railroad escaping slavery -- we had to not get caught.  

Anyway, we got caught by a group of "bad guys" and I befriended one of our captors.  I sought to understand how he had gone to the "dark side" and what made him want to live his life this way.  I felt sad for him, I felt compassion for him.  I wanted to restore his optimism.  I wanted to save him, I guess, for lack of a better term.  I felt like I was making progress.  He was softening and beginning to see that kindness was the way, and his choices were hurting people.  He seemed like he was starting to remember who he used to be.  Then he disappeared.   

Then today, I went upstairs to do yoga.  I was sitting on my mat browsing Facebook and I saw that Shy had posted that she was going to Florida.  I can't explain why because it's not like we hang out a lot, or that I am a very good friend.  I am always cancelling my plans with her or whatever.  If I really cared about hanging out with her that much, I'd have done it.  But when I saw that she was leaving without even having said anything, I felt like the one shred of familiarity I had was disappearing with her.  I realized that there is no one (other than Joth) that I can just call up or hang out with and be myself.  No one that I would be as comfortable with, no one who understood me, no one that vibed on my level.  And I got super sad.  

I thought about it and realized we don't really vibe on the same level anyway, and that this would be a good opportunity to make new friends.  Nothing I could say would explain the feeling I had.  Maybe it wasn't that I was losing anything, but that it made me realize that I am not close to anyone.  I don't really have friends, not like I want to, and I felt really empty and alone and invisible.  I would really like to have a friend that I could sit and watch movies with, buy crystals with, camp and go to festivals with or whatever besties do.  I mean, I probably wouldn't do the normal bestie stuff because I don't really care about shopping or getting my nails done or whatever.  But I feel like I did in that dream.  

That's not to say that my  relationship with Joth isn't fulfilling, because it is.  I am so in love with him still, more than ever.  I love our relationship and I'm excited about our life together.  It's just this feeling of oneness that makes me crave otherness.  We mesh so well and we function so perfectly together that it's easy to forget myself and himself and morph into the Ourself.  Which is nice, it's a good feeling to have someone complement me so perfectly and vice versa that we exist in such a cohesive way that we forget where I end and he begins.  

And maybe it isn't this, or that, or Shyloh, or the dream, but maybe it's just that feeling that descends upon me every now and then that nothing exists but me.  I don't mean that in an egotistical way, more like what I said before about the styrofoam buffet.  It was exciting when it looked like there was cheesecake, cranberry sauce, pudding, stuffing, celery, potatoes, and a million different things.  It looked fun.  But when I realized everything was made of the same thing, it all suddenly seemed pointless.  Or confusing.  Why am I here, then?  Why would I do this or that when it's all the same thing?  Why have relationships when we're all the same anyway?  What is the purpose?  What does it do?  What is it for?  

I know  that sounds like depression, but this sometimes happens when I start to see the bigger picture.  It makes everything that I thought was important seem small and insignificant, but if none of  this matters, then why do any of it at all?  When you see in the grand scheme of things that our individual lives amount to little more than the blink of a cosmic eye, then how can you continue to take it seriously?  How can you force yourself to do your silly little human  things and wear your human clothes and say the right human things and follow the silly human rules when you understand that none of it even matters?

I was watching this discovery channel thing a while ago that had me thinking.  These hermit crabs were fighting over a shell.  To them, it was a huge deal.  To us, do we even think about hermit crabs on a regular basis?  Does it seem like it matters who gets the shell?  It doesn't matter.  None of it matters.

Tuesday

DAY 2.  What I meant to do yesterday before getting carried away was a template.  Even if I don’t have time to blog, I’m going to update this every day just so I can keep track of things.  I feel my mood elevating, but not in an uncomfortable way.  It feels more like my vibration is rising rather than being yanked into mania.  Don’t get me wrong, that can be fun and pleasurable too – but that’s more of a jarring whirlwind.  This feels like a smooth ascension.  

I really feel like getting back to yoga unlocked a lot of my tangled emotions.  I wouldn’t even say that it’s actually the physical practice of yoga – it’s only been two days – but more the overcoming of the mental block that kept me from doing it for so long.  That was really stressing me out, and it affected my sense of self worth, my mood, all kinds of things.  Don’t ask me why I couldn’t do it.  I don’t have an answer for that.  It could have been anything from lack of motivation, procrastination, stress, laziness, etc.  But I go through all of those things all the time, and did even when I regularly did yoga.  So it’s kind of a mystery to me what really happened.  

I know that in the past, when I have been doing good things for myself, I have stopped upon entering a relationship.  My energy sometimes no longer meshes with the things I used to do and I can’t even make them happen anymore if I want to.  Like when I was kind of seeing Noe and trying to be in the sister circle at the same time.  Those two energies for some reason could not coexist in my life.  I was energetically blocked from participating in things that were above my level.  It’s like this dream I had once, it was a long time ago but I remember it vividly.  It was a semi-lucid dream.  By that, I mean that I was aware that I was dreaming and I had SOME control, yet other things happened which I could not control.  I was in a friend’s yard and we were drinking beer.  I was dating Andrew at the time.  I realized that I was dreaming and decided to fly, since that’s what I do 99% of the time that I realize I’m dreaming.  But when I tried to fly, I couldn’t lift off of the ground.  Frustrated, I kept trying.  I wondered why it wasn’t working and I realized that things in life were weighing me down, and I had to release them before I could fly.  

Well, I had a lot weighing me down for the last few months and I think it’s been keeping me grounded (and not in a good way).  What changed?  I think I just got to a point where I was tired of being unhappy.  I reached my limit, I had enough, and decided to overcome everything and take charge of my life.  It totally is a choice.  No one controls my feelings but ME.  Ha.

 

Yeah, so more on the Brian thing…where do I start.  Okay, so first, Friday night we were supposed to meet in Plainwell at 6 but when Joth went out to check the tire to see if it needed air, there were wires sticking out and it wasn’t safe to drive that far.  Now, it takes 45 minutes for me to get to Plainwell and I KNOW it takes less time for Brian.  So, I gave him a heads up and offered him several options – we could meet later, he could wait, or I would give him gas money to meet us at Walmart.  He got huffy and told me to just pick her up in the morning.  He didn’t tell me a time.  I planned to get her on our way to my grandma’s, which I was shooting to arrive at by 1.  Later, Jewel asked me what time I’d be there and I specifically said I couldn’t give her an exact time but that I was SHOOTING FOR TEN.  At that point, if there was some requirement that I be there by a certain time, someone should have told me.  Brian texted me asking when she should be ready and I never replied.  Again, he could have said something if he needed me to be there by a specific time.  I don’t like giving exact times.  I can’t work with a rigid schedule with too many variables, and if you don’t have an agreed upon time, you can’t be late.  If I had said 10, he’d have taken that as set in stone ironclad and he’d have been blowing my phone up at 10:01.  Annnnnywayyyy, I texted Jewel when we were leaving to get her and it was almost ten.  Then we were video chatting and Brian was yelling in the background about how he has plans, and he’ll take Jewel to my grandparents’ house himself, and he needed me there by 11.  INFORMATION THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MORE USEFUL YEEEEEEEEEEEESTERDAYYYYYYYYY!  So I said I wasn’t arguing about it and I hung up.  Sunday night, I was heading to bring her to the usual place at the usual time – Sundays, in Plainwell, at 5 because Austin has to be home by 6.  I never asked to deviate from the plan.  He never asked me to either.  Literally nothing at all was said about doing anything different than what we always do, yet he assumed that I’d be dropping her off on the way home from my grandparents’ because it would have been easier.  It would have, except we left there by 11 and I knew he’d have a hairy canary if I dropped her off early.  He had plans, remember?  Why would I assume he’d be home?  Anyway, I didn’t have her Friday night, and I can just imagine what he’d have to say about me dropping her off early and not wanting to spend time with her or whatever.  I didn’t want to risk his irritation, so I made what I thought was the safest choice – stick with the plan.

 

He texted me while I was enroute to Plainwell asking what time she was getting dropped off.  I told him I was going to Plainwell and I needed to be heading back home by 5:15 to get Austin home on time.  He started being a raging DICK, trying to command me to drop her off.  Nope, uh-uh.  You may have primary custody, but you are NOT Lord King of Everything.  I do not bow to your will.  I do not acquiesce to your decree.  To put it more simply, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.  Nyah, nyah.  So anyway, he told me he was calling his lawyer and from now on he is going to make me drive to him for pickup AND dropoff.  Hahahaha, I wish he would.  They won’t order that, and he doesn’t get to change our agreement without my consent.  So many times in the past when he has tried to strong arm me and control my relationship with Jewel, I have given in.  When he has overstepped his boundaries and denied me parenting time unrightfully, I never did anything.  But this is NOT the old Christine.  THIS Christine takes no shit from anyone.  He can fuck off.  I’M sending a letter to FOC today.  ME.  Yeah, we WILL go to court, motherfucker!  *whew*  Okay, got a little fired up there.  Anyway.

 

So anyway, here is the template I’m thinking of starting:

 

Date:

Supplements/Vitamins:

Smoothie:

Other food:

Exercise:

Mood:

Sleep:

 

And also, I ordered some more herbs for smoothies!  They are supposed to be good for mood, cognition, and focus.  I’m back to my previous determination of treating my bipolar and ADD herbally.  I’m not giving up, it can be done – for every disease, there is a cure found in nature.  What synthetic man made concoction could rival nature’s perfect balance?  I trust the universe more than I trust people.  Except, hmmmm, people are OF the universe and made from the same stuff.  But, we are manifestations of the limitless.  Okay well I'm home from work now and I'm not really thinking about that anymore.

The herbs I ordered are astragalus root, schisandra berries, eleuthero root,  and gotu kola.  They are all supposed to be good for cognition, energy, and mood.  At least three of them are adaptogens.  I had to throw away my maca because it was affecting me adversely, but I was sad because it has so many wonderful benefits.  I'm excited to try these new ones out and see how they work.

My muscles hurt soooooooooo baddddddddddddd, but today is day 3 and I don't have a rest day until Saturday so I'm getting my booty back upstairs to do yoga no matter what.  First, I'm going to eat some food then help Tristan with his division homework.  Later!

Monday

Okay.  Today is November 30 and I’m starting now with a complete overhaul.  Even though December starts tomorrow, today is a Monday so that’s a good day for starting things.  I know I haven’t posted lately, and that’s been mostly due to NaNoWriMo…which I didn’t end up finishing.  I got to 17,000 words but decided that it was putting space between Joth and I, when the whole intention was for it to be a bonding experience.  But when I would come home from working all day to sitting in separate rooms to write, it didn’t feel like a relationship at all.  He said he isn’t capable of being in the same room with me without talking, even if we are both writing.  I don’t know how he’s capable of writing and talking at the same time, but that’s not a skill I possess.  Nor listening and writing, for that matter.  I wanted us to be in each other’s company, but all that happened is that we had another fight and I just quit writing.  I don’t have enough free time in my day to give it all away to a stupid project and have none left over for people. 

 

Things have been really rough, I’m not going to lie.  I left off talking about how I didn’t think we were going to make it, and unfortunately I’m still of the same opinion.  We’ve been on this nauseating roller coaster of good, then bad, then good, then bad.  But the good lasts less and less long and it’s less and less good.  The bad seems to get worse and worse and happen more and more often, over stupider and pettier things.  I said forever, and I’m committed to fixing this relationship if it kills me.  In truth, it probably WILL kill me.  Because I can’t do it by myself, but I’m still going to try.  I’m still going to apologize, and he’s still going to believe that since I’m the only one apologizing it’s because I’m the only one who makes mistakes.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first because I AM bipolar and I haven’t learned the best relationship skills, so I did assume that all of our problems probably WERE my fault.  However, I can no longer pretend that is the case.  I swear on everything, I wish it was.  I wish that all I had to do was just change, and we’d both be happy.  I wish he was as flawless as he thinks he is.  Then I would have the power to change everything.  But he isn’t, I can’t, and I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m looking at relationship books, couples retreats, marital counseling…but none of this is going to work if we don’t both participate.  I’m really worried that his pride is going to end up in the end being more important than our relationship.  It hurts sometimes that my feelings rank in importance below him being right or proving his point, and that my happiness doesn’t mean enough to warrant an apology or acknowledgement of mistake.

 

I’m not really being fair, though, because I do need to recognize that he HAS apologized more lately than he ever used to.  Sometimes, they’re even real apologies.  Other times, they come out sounding like, “I’m sorry you made me do that”.  Those don’t count.  “I’m sorry BUT…” doesn’t count either.  I have tried to model and demonstrate to him the consideration that I would like in return, but instead there’s always a double standard, a reason why he is justified in doing the things that I am forbidden from doing.  And on my end, when I DO the things I’m not allowed to do (but he is), I tend to redefine it as something else.  But it’s really hard to know exactly what he means by things, or what actions fall under the forbidden category.  I’m not really trying to redefine my actions, per se, but I have a different opinion of what constitutes things like accusing, shaming, blaming, minimizing, etc.  For example, when we were having the argument about writing in separate rooms, he told me that he was going to take a time out and go fold laundry.  I was angry and trying to keep my temper down, so I sat there in silence and stared at him.  He said I made a face, I probably did.  But the point is, although I was extremely displeased, I refrained from saying ANYTHING.  He went into the bedroom and later I joined him.  The embers got stirred up and the flames erupted again, so this time I went to take a time out and he started yelling at me about it.  I told him if he gets to take a time out, why don’t I?  (Double standard) To which he replied that I had “shamed him” for taking a time out.  I didn’t say a goddamn word.  I am so tired of him labeling everything shaming.  “Oh, I wore red today and you wore blue.  You are shaming me for wearing red.”  “Oh, your eyes flickered for a millisecond in a clockwise direction which indicates judgement and by displaying your disapproval you are shaming me.”  Like, seriously.  If I had a dollar for every time he throws that word out to apply to anything and everything, I’d be on vacation in some tropical place right now.

 

I don’t want to focus on the negative.  This blog originated from the idea that it would be cathartic to express these things I hold inside, the things I can’t seem to change.  But no amount of writing fixed Noe and no amount of writing is going to fix this relationship either.  When did things finally turn around for me?  When I DID something about it.  Now, in this case, I hope that doesn’t mean that I have to leave.  We have so much potential and I can’t imagine my life with anyone else by my side.  But we are deteriorating.  As much as we love each other, if we can’t figure this out, soon there will be nothing left of the magic we used to have.  A lot of things are falling apart and it’s time to come up with an action plan.  The time is right for change, and I’m going to give it everything I have – but without sacrificing myself.  I am not lying myself out like a doormat.  I am not going to be a martyr.  I am not accepting less than what I deserve from anyone – my goal is not to sweep things under the rug and make nice and kiss everyone’s ass so they’re nice to me.  I’m going to worry about treating everyone with kindness and respect while making firm, clear boundaries and enforcing them regarding the type of treatment I will accept as well.  This isn’t just Joth, by the way.  I’ve been pushed to a tipping point because now Brian is trying to give me some shit and I’m just not taking it anymore.  He can try to threaten me, intimidate me, bully me, boss me around.  Joth can blame me, guilt me, twist my words around into something they never meant just to justify an unwarranted action.  They can do whatever the hell they want, I can’t stop them.  But no one can stop ME from being happy.  No one can stop ME from making myself a priority.  I am stronger than this.  I am better than this.  I am smarter than to keep falling into these traps.  I am not biting their hooks anymore.  I’m not getting dragged in to any more drama. 

 

In addition, I have gained 20 pounds.  EEEEEK!  Holy CRAP!  One thing I will say is that Joth does make me feel very beautiful, so much so that I had no idea that I had gained so much weight.  When I looked at myself, I still saw someone attractive, because that’s what I see reflected in his eyes.  I am so grateful for that.  I appreciate that so much, to be good enough.  To not feel like I’m being compared to every girl who walks by and coming up short.  To not shrink into an embarrassed puddle of insecurity every time someone prettier shows up on TV or in life and see his eyeballs pop out of his head.  That doesn’t happen.  This is huge to me, because I’ve never had a relationship before where I didn’t feel mortally wounded multiple times every day by hearing about all the things the guy thinks are sexy that I do not possess.  AKA, all the ways that I could be better.  AKA, all the ways I fall short of ideal.  AKA, all the reasons I am inferior to all these girls…AKA, all the reasons he is settling for me because I’m not what he really wants.  I don’t have to deal with that and it is the greatest gift that I do need to remember to appreciate.

 

The thing is, I wouldn’t be so upset about what’s WRONG in this relationship if there wasn’t so much RIGHT.  And what’s right blows me away because it’s everything I ever wanted.  If I can’t be happy with someone I connect with on every single level, who COULD I be happy with?  And I know happiness cannot be dependent on anything external or I will never be happy.  I know that.  But I also know that it’s very difficult to find that internal happiness independent of anything else if you’re surrounded by negativity and drama.  It isn’t impossible, though, and I WILL find the key.  I am determined.  Even if my relationship isn’t meant to last, I am still finding a way for ME to be happy and fulfilled no matter WHAT else is happening, no matter WHO is mad, no matter WHERE I am.  Or when or why, you know.  That is my lesson to learn right now.  That is what I need to master.  And I will.  Along with losing 20 pounds.  J

 

You know, those things don’t necessarily have to be unrelated to each other.  The steps I will take to bring happiness and joy to my life will also get me back in shape, because yoga and nutrition are important.  I notice that even when I take my supplements (D3, B12, Omega 3, PQQ Energy) I feel better.  Yesterday, I did yoga.  I’m doing this all the way.  6 days a week without fail, yo.  Also today I made a smoothie, which I will be doing every day also.  I used 2 cups of kale and spinach, a banana, a cup of blueberry kefir, a cup of aloe, a cup of mixed berries, a mini cucumber, and ashwaganda, chia seeds, hemp protein, spirulina, and goji berry boost.  Oh, and a drizzle of raw honey.  In addition, I’m going to get back to reading things that are nourishing for my mind and spirit.  Joth and I are both going to read the Celestine Prophecy, maybe that’s a good place to start.  Maybe it will spark some conversation, something positive to talk about.  Maybe we can bond over it. 

 

Let’s see, I suppose I should update.  Thanksgiving was great, we ended up doing it at home.  Austin was able to join us and Shyloh came over with JJ and Ema.  He friend Jackie showed up later and Scott was there as well.  It was a nice group and we had some kickass food.  Joth did an awesome job on the turkey, I made stuffing (from the box), acorn squash, garlic mashed potatoes, and a pumpkin cheesecake.  He also made a pork roast but we totally forgot about it and ended up having to throw it away.  Ema and JJ brought green bean casserole, baked beans, au gratin potatoes with sausage, and deviled eggs.  After they left, Jackie and Shyloh, Scott and Joth and I had some drinks and I ended up passing out early because I was so tired from the busyness of the day.  It was great, though.  Josh moved out, we had a going away party for him.  We were supposed to go to Fabio’s (me, Shy, Joth, and Eric) but we got tons of snow last weekend and we didn’t go.  He ended up going to jail but he got out before Thanksgiving.  Eric and Shy came over and we hung out at our house, it was pretty fun.  The night before that, we did some karaoke with Jeff and Deanna.  That was fun too.  I like our friends and I like our life and I like our relationship, and I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and I’ll continue to do so.  Things will get better.  Just keep repeating after me:  Things are already getting better and better every day.  Never mind what happened this morning.  The love is still there.  It is still there!  But you can’t force its buds to come open and blossom.  You just have to create the conditions which contribute to its wellbeing and growth.  You need to water it, enrich the soil, sing it songs, give it sunshine.  In time, it will bloom.  But it can’t be forced, it can’t be commanded, it can’t be begged or manipulated.  Love can grow here.  I will be a fucking gardener.  I will be patient and gentle and I will never, never, never give up.

 

We went up to my grandma’s for early Christmas this past weekend and my parents were impressed by how good the kids were.  Tristan got student of the month this month!!!!  We went to his conferences and he is doing GREAT.  I know that this is due in no small part to Joth’s influence on his life.  He’s a great dad, a wonderful person.  I don’t want to break apart our family either.  This morning, when Joth parked the car and threw the keys, Tristan told him that he hated him and I said I hated him too.  I should have set a better example for Tristan on the right way to handle conflict.  I should have modeled restraint.  I should have said, “Tristan, it’s okay to say “I’m angry”.  I am angry too.  But it’s not right to tell someone you hate them just because you’re mad at them.””  It was a teachable moment, and I taught the wrong thing.  Tonight, though, I will teach him that when we make a mistake, we take responsibility for our actions and apologize.  I’m not going to wait around for apologies from people who owe me one, because I’m a good person regardless of how others treat me.  I will apologize because it’s the right thing to do and because I was wrong.  He was wrong too, but I can’t force him to admit it.

 

I have read that twin flame relationships are hard, and I am here to say it is the truth.  But it isn’t hard for no reason.  It isn’t hard like with Noe where there was no positive side making it worth it.  It’s hard but it’s worth fighting for.  The reason is that this other person is the yin to your yang or vice versa, your reflection showing you everything.  EVERYTHING.  It helps you appreciate things about yourself that you see reflected in them, but you also have to do a lot of shadow work.  It isn’t pleasant.  It’s like doing tons of reps in the weight room – it’s hard, and you’re sweating, and it hurts.  But that’s how you get strong.  Resistance is the only way to create muscles, this is the maximum opportunity for the most possible growth BECAUSE it is hard.  It is a gift.  I have already learned so much and I am not giving up on us. 

 

Okay well I’m actually at work and I had 6 shots of espresso so I decided to write this and email it to myself.  So I guess I should do that and get back to work.