Samhain

Happy Halloween/Samhain.  This is the pagan new year and my all time favorite holiday -- but I'm just not feeling it.  When I compare how different things are in my life to the way they were last year, I must admit that they are startlingly different.  In most categories of life, things have drastically improved.  But in one, shit's gone downhill so fast, and I don't know anymore if I can or even WANT to fix it anymore.

I know that every time I blog, I'm going on about how wonderful Joth is.  And it's true, when things are good, they're genuinely amazing.  When things are good, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  When things are bad, though, I just don't know if I can even do it anymore.  I'm not saying I don't contribute.  I am painfully aware of  the mistakes I make and the pain I cause.  I am actively involved in identifying and resolving these things, tirelessly, investigating and analyzing in desperation for a solution.  I want peace.  I know that I'm flawed and that I don't always respond in healthy ways.  I am committed to being my best.

I have come to the conclusion, though, that unless he does the same, we are doomed.  If he refuses to acknowledge the pain he causes, to recognize the mistakes he makes, to accept responsibility for his part in our utter failure to communicate effectively...well, we're just going to be spinning our wheels.  I feel like he creates drama and judges me for reacting to it.  Not only that, but there is such a double standard and hypocrisy.  When he does something that I've been criticized for doing, he has a justification for why it's okay for him.  He even says that he believes people should follow their own rules, but he doesn't follow his.  In a conflict, he becomes so focused on picking apart my words, the way I said them, my bodily stance, finding errors, seeking out flaws.  But then he'll turn around and do the exact things he just criticized me for.  If I dare call him out on it, he'll have an excuse.  There's always an excuse, it's always my fault.  He behaved that way because I MADE him behave that way, but if I'm a little blue because we didn't cuddle last night, he makes sure to point out that nothing external is responsible for my feelings.

Right.  Then, according to your OWN logic, I'm not responsible for YOURS EITHER.  I feel so done.  He resorts to childish behaviors like covering his ears when I'm talking, so I responded with equally childish behavior of refusing to speak to him.  He says I'm yelling when I speak in an angry voice, barely elevated, yet he started the entire argument at that exact tone himself.  This relationship is fundamentally flawed.  I honestly don't know if there's any hope for us.  That would require compromise, humility, acknowledgment of mistakes, apologies, communication.  The scales are very unevenly balanced in all of those categories.  I am completely aware that I have more issues and when I lose my cool, I take things places I shouldn't.  But knowing that I am sensitive, unbalanced, and especially vulnerable you would think he would be more gentle.  Instead, it's like he uses that knowledge against me and purposely pokes me, intentionally  escalating situations to a point where he knows I'll lose control.  Just so he can judge and criticize me for losing control.  And be the victim, and blame me for every mistake he makes for two weeks after that because I hurt him so much.  

And maybe he doesn't owe me anything.  I know that.  It's my job to stay calm, it's my job not to engage in drama or heated arguments, I'm the one who gets to choose how I behave.  I'll even venture as far as to say this is all my fault.  Fine.  But the bottom line is, I'm not happy, and if on my own I am unable to resolve the issue in  this relationship, I see no other alternative than to leave it.  As of this moment, I feel completely indifferent about that.  The only thing that makes me sad about it is the kids.  Tristan and Austin are playing right next to me, talking about being brothers and being a team.  This is the only family Tristan knows, and I don't want to further damage him by taking it away from him.  His dad already voluntarily walked out of his life, he still misses his ex stepbrother Josh even though Dwight and I divorced five years ago, and I just really don't want to mess him up anymore.  I don't know what to do.  

On other topics, my new job is going really well.  I like the people I work with, I get out right after Tristan gets out, the day goes super quickly and the work is pretty enjoyable.  There's enough variety to keep me from falling into a numbing dreary routine, but it's easy enough to keep me free of stress.  I'm going to save for a new car, since it wouldn't be worth fixing the one I have.  It has 250,000 miles on it so even if I fixed it, I don't think it'll last much longer.  I'm going to have my sister help me save money to do that.

Shyloh is coming back from the Willow Ranch next weekend, and I'm super excited to have a friend in the area.  Sometimes I feel like a change of scenery would do me a lot of good.  I need to spend time with friends.  I need to seek emotional sustenance from more than just one source.  I can't depend entirely on Joth for the fulfillment of my emotional needs because otherwise I'm devastated when they aren't being met.  I shouldn't have that expectation of anyone.  But I need to feel closeness and connection, even being the introvert that I am.  

That's why it's so hard on me in the first place if we don't snuggle at night.  That's how I recharge that part of me.  I don't get a lot of that during the day, especially now that I'm working.  I need to be touched, tenderness, connection, closeness.  I need to be held and to feel cherished.  So it might not seem like a big deal if you sleep in a separate blanket all night and my skin never makes contact with yours, but to me it's everything.  And again, you have the right to make your own decisions and you don't owe me anything.  You don't have to touch me.  But don't you dare judge me for being sad.  Especially when you expect not to be judged for having your own emotions.  

I  guess we're going trick or treating tonight, but it's supposed to rain.  There's also a party that Joth and I were invited to but we have all of the kids and I don't know if Jewel can handle watching both boys by herself.  I probably won't go.  *sigh*  I need to take my supplements and then I'm going to try to do my ayurveda.  Peace out.

You are getting SLEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...

I probably could have used a better picture than a screen shot from my phone, but you get the message.  I finished hypno class!  Sooooo, I am officially a certified hypnotherapist.  They have more classes, but from here, Joth can teach me the other things I want to know.  I'm particularly interested in past life regression.  Wouldn't that be a COOL job?  I mean, seriously???!  I might also learn hypnobirthing.  I know a lot of doulas and midwives.  There is also a midwife in the same building as the health food store, so you know their clients are down for some hypnobirthing.  

Let's see, what has happened in the last few days?  I know that my last entry was about my migraine and that horrible day.  Things have actually been pretty amazing since then, with the exception of last night.  I can't even talk about last night, and I won't.  

I got my drug test done, my new social security card application dropped off, and I also had to call the IRS and request w2's for two jobs that they couldn't verify employment for me at.  It's been kind of a pain, but it will be worth it.  Having a job, I think, is going to help a lot.  Not just financially, but it will be nice to have a change of scenery.  Some time for Joth and I to be apart from each other, to have a chance to miss and appreciate each other.  I love him a lot and things are better with him than they ever have been with anyone before, but we have some difficulties communicating with each other.  He's not as perfect, and I'm not as crazy, as he'd like to believe.  

But anyway.  I got my last commission check, and it was a decent amount.  I made sure to pay my phone bill and to give my sister money for car insurance.  I have saved $150 for the three of us to go on Tristan's field trip to Mackinac in May, since a $50 deposit for each attendee is due by November 6.  Aside from that, I bought Tristan socks and long sleeved shirts, a present for Chase's birthday party today, mattress encasements for our bed and Austin's bed, organic dried elderberries, chia seeds, natural toothpaste, and organic tampons from the health food store, a bunch of supplements (Omega3, PQQ energy, GABA, D3, and B Complex), shampoo and conditioner, razors, kitty litter, a giant bag of cat food, and some other random miscellaneous things that I can't think of right now.  

Tomorrow is "Christmas" at my Uncle Doug's house.  It's early because Grandma and Grandpa leave for Florida soon, like they do every year.  Last year, I remember that I was texting Joth in the kitchen and awkwardly not fitting in.  I should be used to that by now, but it's always so uncomfortable.  At least this year I'll have Joth with me.   Today we went to Chase's third birthday party at my sister's house and had some cake and ice cream.  We got him a play dough set, because that's what aunties are for :)  Joth seemed to get along pretty well with my family, and I did the usual thing with Blair and Rachel where we just pretend the other is invisible and doesn't exist at all.  Living well is the best revenge.  :)  

Yesterday, I made elderberry syrup!  I am so excited!  It filled two small amber bottles with some left over, which I poured into the empty glass jar that the raw honey had been in.  It's super easy!  You just simmer the elderberries in some water with cinnamon, cloves, and ginger.  Then you mash and strain out the elderberries, let the liquid cool, and add the raw honey.  Voila.  Nature's flu shot :)

I finished the dishes and the laundry for today, so now I'm just listening to Lindsey Stirling and blogging.  We are supposed to bring a dessert to Uncle Doug's tomorrow, and we had talked about making tiramisu, but I don't know if we'll end up doing that.  I found a rather easy looking recipe that I might attempt, but it wouldn't be authentic or traditional.  I don't think anyone's going to care.

I am halfway through the first quarter of my ayurveda course.  It is going to feel SO GOOD when I'm done.  Joth is finishing up his NLP course, and he's making a massage sign up sheet for his mom to put in her office.  Apparently, there are a lot of people waiting for massages so he's going to start doing those here.  

Dude.  I can't even  TELL you how much of a difference these supplements make.  It is gloomy today, the type of day that would have me in a state of inertia.  It is the exact type of day which is conducive to depression and laziness.  Yet I feel GOOD.  I feel impervious to the negativity of anyone.  I am a self-contained happiness bubble.  Maybe this was all I needed all along.  When I got my reiki attunement, Karen told me that I have a "porous aura".  It makes sense for an empath, or maybe it's just dangerous to have in combination of BEING empathic.  It means that the emotions and energies of others can leak in to my aura.  I literally can not be around negativity without being contaminated by it.  I didn't have enough of a shield.  

I don't have insurance yet, but it looks like while I'm waiting, these supplements will help me stay positive.  I'm not going to say much about last night.  As we know, though, anytime something bad happens, I analyze it for the lesson.  What was I to learn from this?  What can this teach me about myself?  What was I meant to see here?  

All I can say is that I've decided not to give my power away.  Without assigning blame to either party, I'll just say that things got out of control fast.  The best thing that I can do is figure out how, why, and when they got off track.  In recognizing that, I can modify my future approach.  What I've decided is that as soon as someone 1) gets triggered 2) changes the subject or 3) brings up the past, the conversation is over.  I will not continue to engage in discussions which damage either of us.  Most importantly, I will remember as much as I can until it becomes second nature to evaluate everything I am considering saying to see if it passes through the three gates:

Migraines & Regret

So, I've been doing a lot of studying lately and I've come up with a few theories.  There wasn't much else to do while I laid in bed with a migraine, since I couldn't bear to look at any light so that ruled out watching movies, playing games, texting, or social networking.  Sloppy language skills.  I still have no idea what I'm going to write about for NaNoWriMo.  My brain feels a little bit scattered but I'm going to try to stay on topic as much as I can.  

So, I'm PMSing, which is never a thrilling time for me or anyone around me.  This time, though, it is WORSE.  I can't really say why.  I don't really know.  I've noticed a few things, though,  that in retrospect may have been early warning signs of an impending migraine.  Earlier this week, I started seeing lines in my vision.  I thought it was because of my phone screen, but it would happen even after I had looked at the computer screen, or no screen at all.  It was really weird.  Everywhere I looked was lined, like a display on a television with bad reception.  It really freaked me out.  I know that this is all an illusion, a hologram, a trick of our eyes.  What is it that I'm really seeing?  My conscious mind can only process a tiny fraction of the information that's flooding into my brain, what am I missing?  If this is only a glimpse of the picture, what does the full picture look like?  Could I even imagine it?  Do I even have the capability to conceive of how that might appear?  But I digress.

I was seeing lines and I was a little concerned.  A few days before my migraine, I was having those manic naps that I've described before.  When I'm manic, I have a lot of energy and it isn't a nap that comes from being tired and worn out like naps usually do.  In fact, they have happened immediately after drinking espresso or waking up.  It will come with no warning, and I have no ability to fight it -- as if I've been drugged or something, my whole body will just start shutting down.  Then, I immediately drop into the deepest sleep that could ever be imagined.  I start instantly dreaming, and it's like I can physically feel my consciousness go down, deep, into this place that I couldn't struggle back from if I tried.  I am helpless to resist it, it holds me down until it's finished with me.  Then, 15 to 20 minutes later, I wake up confused and disoriented.  Sometimes I don't know where I am, or what time it is, or where my kids are.  I feel like it's been hours, and am shocked to see how little time has actually passed.  Anyway, those are my manic naps.  I don't know yet what it means.

At the end of my mania, I feel less and less happy and more and more irritable.  Everything bothers me, everyone annoys me, and I just don't have any patience for anything.  So anyway, on Friday all of this seemed to come to a horrible crescendo.  Remember that dream I talked about?  I think, in retrospect, that it might have been foreshadowing.  I didn't realize it at the time, but now that I review the events of Friday, it seems to make sense.  

Before I get started on all of that, though, did I mention that I got a job?  I can't remember if I did or not.  I think I did.  Yayyyy!!!  Okay, so back to Friday.

It started out like any other day.  I dropped Tristan off at school, and on the way back, I noticed the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen in real life with my own eyes.  The sky was kind of orange and it was raining a little bit, and right there was a giant, full rainbow with a hint of a double rainbow arching right across the street.  I pulled into a parking lot to take a picture.  The rainbow was so big that I couldn't capture the entire thing in one shot, I had to take two.  I remember that I used to be a person that rarely saw rainbows, or shooting stars.  I had never seen a shooting star until like a year or two ago.  By now, I've seen four or five.  I had only seen one or two rainbows before this past year or so, and now it's like I see them all the time.  This was the first time, though, that I saw a whole one.  Here's a picture:

Okay, so anyway, then I got home.  I can't even remember what Joth and I were talking about, or what started the whole thing.  I just remember that we were in the shower, and we were getting ready to get out.  He had his arm across his chest and I asked him for a kiss.  He gave me a kiss, but being the ultra-sensitive person that I am in the state of mind I was in, I noticed tiny little things that he may not even have been aware of.  I knew this.  I knew that most likely he wasn't even conscious of it, didn't decide to do it or even know it happened -- much less the reason for WHY -- and it would be unfair  to criticize or complain or hold him responsible as if he had intentionally hurt me.  He leaned forward to kiss me, but it felt like a part of him held back.  His arm remained across his chest.  No other part of him touched any other part of me.  It didn't really feel like he was 100% there.  His lips touched mine, but our hearts and souls didn't connect.

I know that sounds ridiculous, but I can feel it when we're both fully present and connected.  It's not something I've ever felt with anyone else, and it's not something that's there all the time.  He can't control it, I can't control it, but sometimes there's just a wall.  And that wall always makes me want to cry.

I didn't say anything, but he saw this look on my face.  He asked me what was wrong and insisted it was nothing.  Like I said, I knew it wasn't his fault.  But he continued to probe.  Did I kiss you wrong?  Was my kiss not good enough?  I told him it was nothing like that and not to worry about it.  He grew increasingly anxious and I began to get exasperated.  He got upset and left the bathroom, then came back in and threw a clean, folded towel INTO the shower.  This would normally not be a huge deal, but I had just washed every piece of laundry we had and folded all of the towels.  In came another towel and I just lost my shit.  I started shrieking about nobody ever caring about whether things were clean or not, and I'm tired of being the only one who gives a shit about this or that or whatever, I was just going off.  I was being irrational and ridiculous, and I knew it.  Normally, this is where I stop.  That in itself is bad enough, and Joth and I still have to repair things and it does do some damage.  

But then he came in with his phone and started recording me, which enraged me beyond any possibility of you comprehending.  This was an all-consuming fury of livid hatred.  I was seething.  Any lines that I had taken care not to cross, any bridges that I had marked sacred to refrain from burning, in that moment any respect or care or sensitivity went out the window and I just wanted to set it all ablaze.  Things changed in that moment.  I knew that I was being unfair, but when he started recording me, I felt like a spectacle.  A freak show.  No longer a person.  Like I was being put on display and disrespected, dehumanized, mocked.  And it wasn't fair.  Why would you try to shame me like that?  You have had your moments too.  As frustrated, incredulous, shocked, and confused I was...I never recorded you.  I felt betrayed and hurt, and that was all it took to snap any final tethers to restraint.

I let it all go.  Things I promised I would never say.  Things that I knew would hurt.  Things I had thought before but would never have spoken because I knew that they would hurt too much.  Things I didn't actually think, but I said anyway because I knew that they would hurt.  I couldn't stop.  It was like a vicious rollercoaster of rage had been set in motion, gathering speed, spinning wildly around corkscrew spirals and careening madly down deadly hills.  Who knew the devastation that would be waiting for me when it was over.  Part of me vaguely knew that there would be no coming back from this, but the bigger, stronger part just didn't fucking care.

At the same time, my head began throbbing.  POUNDING.  The more angry I got, the more I felt like the incredible hulk.  Except, instead of bursting out of my clothing, I felt like this bigger, angrier person was going to explode from within my skull.  I swear that I felt my brain throbbing, growing, swelling, trying to escape from my eye sockets and splinter my cranium into shards.  There was no way that my skull could contain this chaos erupting inside of my brain.  The more I yelled, the more it hurt, and the more it hurt, the meaner I got.  Until finally I just couldn't take it anymore and I dissolved into tears.  I didn't even know what was happening to me.  I didn't know what was wrong with my brain.  I didn't mean to say all of those horrible things and I had no idea how to make it right.  I found myself, as I have many times before, desperately wishing that life had an undo button.  

We went to pick up the kids and I sat in the passenger seat, clutching my head in agony.  By the time we got home, I felt an overwhelming urge to vomit.  I hadn't eaten anything, but my stomach began spasming as if I had ingested some toxic thing which needed immediate expulsion.  I raced up the stairs and into the bathroom.  I dry heaved for a while, then I went into the bedroom and covered my head with the blanket.  All of the light, any of the light, was like a drill directly into my eye socket.  I couldn't bear it.

I laid in there in the darkness from about 3:30 until the next morning.  The migraine lasted at least nine hours.  Every time that I would think it was subsiding, I'd do something dumb like look at my phone and it would begin again.  Throughout it all, Joth was bringing me coffee, offering me food, trying to find the pressure point on my palm to help with the pain.  We didn't speak of the horrible things I had said, it was too big a subject to breach and my brain wasn't capable of having that discussion.  It was the giant elephant in the room.  He knew, and I knew, but I didn't know what to say.  No way would a simple apology suffice.  This was the worst thing I had ever done, I said the worst things I had ever said, and I had no right to be forgiven.  As I laid there thinking about it, I  tried to justify it for a moment because it had started by him reacting to a face that I had made and that wasn't fair.  But no, what I said was inexcusable.  A trillion times worse by far, unjustifiable.  I knew it.

I learned that before a migraine, electrical changes in the brain occur a few days beforehand.  This could explain the lines in my vision and the weird coma naps.  They occur when dopamine is high (as it is during mania) and there is a sudden drop in seratonin.  I reflected on my experience during mania.  This is just a theory and I haven't researched it, but when mania starts, it feels like I am extra energetic and FIRE is high, but also WARMTH.  I.e. the positive traits of the fire element -- motivation, energy, passion.  It occurs along with happiness, compassion, joy, and contentedness.  Then, at the end, the fire turns to its negative qualities -- without the warmth.  Rage, aggression, hostility, anger.  It's still energy but it's a different kind of energy.

So my theory about why this may be is that when dopamine and seratonin are both high, this gives me the pleasurable, euphoric mania.  Then, for some reason, dopamine remains high and seratonin drops.  Depending on how quickly and how drastically the seratonin drops, this sets the stage for the perfect migraine conditions.  I could be wrong, but it feels like a plausible possibility.

Anyway, Joth and I talked about it and I think (hope) we're going to be okay.  I plan to get insurance through Kellogg's once they hire me in, and in the meantime I may be able to find something in the marketplace for a reasonable rate so that I can try to make sure this doesn't happen again.  Joth has been very patient but I don't want to damage our relationship beyond repair (if I haven't already).  Well anyway, this is long enough and the kids are here so I'm going to see what they're doing.  Last night, Joth's mom took us all to Zoo Boo at Binder Park Zoo and the kids had a really good time.  There was some trick or treating and a hay ride, and for the most part, they behaved themselves.  Okay well this is really long enough.  Bye!!!!!!!!!!!

Om Tare Tuttare

I was going to write about Green Tara today, but when I googled "Green Tara" to get a picture, I found that I had already done so last August.  I wonder how much of the same stuff is repeated throughout these posts.

Well anyway, I'm listening to the Green Tara mantra and drinking some coffee.  It's a gloomy day today, and I am feeling a little blue in some ways.  However, good things are happening all around and it's easy to find positivity wherever I look, so I'm focusing on that.  It isn't necessarily a negative focus, I'm not unhappy or dissatisfied.  I'm just cranky, and there's a difference.  My period will be here soon, and while I wish that were an irrelevant detail, it does play a major part in my mood as of today.  I know that I will discover ways to combat the hormonal mood shifts.  For right now, though, it is a factor and should be acknowledged.  

I had this dream the other night.  It was frightening.  I have had nightmares before, but 90% of the time they are about being chased by or hiding from some bad guy or monster.  I have never had violent dreams -- not to my recollection, anyway.  I don't have killing dreams, blood or guts, or anything of the sort.  I have had dreams about driving and seeing a person in the road, and not being able to stop in time, then waking up in a panic which dissolves in ecstatic relief upon the the realization that it was only a dream.  Even then, though, I don't see any carnage.  It's important that I mention this because the dream I had the other night was awful in and of itself, but it was especially terrible when you take into consideration that it was the first of its kind.

Tristan, Joth, and I were in this house.  Tristan was afraid of it but Joth absolutely trusted it.  He was demonstrating to Tristan that there was nothing to be afraid of and that everything would be okay, and you could tell that he totally believed it.  Then he stepped through this doorway and was gruesomely shredded to bloody bits with razor blades and chainsaws and axes and god knows what else.  I woke up in fear.  After that, I laid in bed for a while feeling horrified and confused.  What the HELL?  Why would I dream that?  One could argue that maybe I've been watching too many horror movies.  But I've been watching horror movies since before an age that it should actually have been allowed.  I have never had a dream like this.

As I mentioned, I am feeling very volatile right now.  Please understand that I am not trying to use this as a cop out, or as a way to refuse responsibility for my actions, or to excuse bad behavior.  I need to be nice, period.  Sometimes it is harder for me, but that should be no one else's problem but my own.  Under no circumstances is it appropriate or okay for someone else to suffer because of my emotional limitations.  I'm just still trying to figure out how to safely navigate the waters of PMDD, or more appropriately, PME since I have the preexisting condition of bipolar disorder.

Things have been difficult for Joth lately.  I haven't blogged much about it, because in all honesty, I'm not really the one impacted by it.  I feel the wretched awfulness pass through me and it ejects itself like so much projectile vitriol all over anyone in close proximity.  But then, it is done for me.  As quickly as the onset, it is released and forgotten.  

This would normally be healthy, except that the method of release is to pass it like a virus to an unsuspecting loved one.  It's like a hot potato.  As soon as I pass it to someone else, I feel better.  The problem is, though, the person I pass it to holds on to it and it continues to burn him for days -- long after I've forgotten.  

There are times that I handle this better than others.  Some days, I win the battle.  Other days, though, I say things which I come to regret.  One of the most important things I have learned is that one needs to cultivate that space between impulse and action.  This pause is a game changer.  This space saves lives.  I cannot overemphasize how essential it is to maintain that.  When I feel strong, I can remember, and I spare everyone a lot of heartache.  When I am not balanced,  though, I seem to forget.  I leave a lot of casualties in the wake of my negligence.

But seriously, though, enough self-flagellation.  Heaping piles of stinking shame upon myself isn't going to accomplish anything.  Continually berating myself for my failures is focusing on the thing that I don't want, which will have the opposite of the desired effect.  I'm not saying that it should be ignored.  Burning myself at the stake for it will not absolve the other of their pain.  A sincere commitment to change is the only appropriate response in this scenario.  It's harder when you know that it will probably happen again.  

It feels like an exercise in futility to, with a clear mind, make decisions for your future self knowing that you will not have the same clear mindedness when the situation presents itself.  It's like just finishing Thanksgiving dinner and, feeling satiated, promising that I will stick to my diet on Christmas.  It is easy to promise now, with a full stomach.  But what if, on Christmas day, I have not eaten for three days and I am confronted by a buffet laden with my favorite foods?  How can I make my pledge iron-clad, resistant to any and all obstacles and temptations?

And really, I'm going to say it here because it's what I feel and that's what my blog is for, the things I say are not that bad.  Joth happens to be extremely sensitive, and also unusually intuitive/perceptive.  He can read it on my face if something is amiss.  He can practically read my mind and know what is bothering me, even if I deny it.  Sometimes, then, it comes out and gets blown into gigantic proportions.  His perspective is valid.  I don't get to decide that something I said or did didn't hurt him.  It's just that it seems like sometimes anything can hurt him.  

I shouldn't feel like a villain because I stressed the wrong syllable and  that hurt him.  Or I smiled the wrong smile and that hurt him.  Even when I am conscious and careful, it seems like there is always something I have done which has hurt him, and then I am called to account for my evil misdeeds.  It can be discouraging.  I give him a million times what anyone else ever got from me, but I feel like it is always bad or wrong or that I'm always messing up.  It doesn't even work to be totally silent and not say anything at all, because then my lack of response is also considered an offense.  Sometimes I feel like I just can't win.

However, if this is my biggest complaint about him, I should still count myself incredibly lucky.  And I do, more than anyone knows -- I definitely do.  He isn't a liar, a cheater, and addict, a bore, insensitive, abusive, emotionally unavailable, rude, lazy, bigoted, or condescending.  And he doesn't listen to country or watch sports.  There's a zillion extra points right there.  He's supportive, compassionate, patient, understanding, dedicated, and funny.  He's brilliant, creative, and...yes...sensitive.  This is also a good thing, and I do need to remember that.  It's just that I'm not used to needing to be so careful.  It's worth it, though, for all I get in return.  It's the least I can do for a person like him.  I should be thankful for him and happy to do whatever it takes.

So, here's some good news for today!  There are two items.  First, Tristan's special ed teacher called today regarding his IEP and school records from his old school.  Her concern was that, by law, they have to follow the IEP and that means that he would need to be contained in the special ed room full time.  She said that she spoke with Tristan's teacher, though, and he has been doing great in the regular classroom and neither of them feel like he needs the extra time.  I agreed.  He is proud to be in the regular classroom with other kids his age, and I don't want to take that away from him.  We scheduled an IEP meeting for next week so that we can make some changes.  He will still have support from her, and she'll keep an eye on him to see if there ever needs to be a behavior plan put in place, but she said that the Tristan she and Ms. Gibbons see is a totally different child from who he appears to have been last year.  

This is true.  And I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but gloat on Facebook.  I am thrilled for Tristan, and this IS primarily about him and his success.  This is also a moment of victory and validation for me as a mother, though.  And yes, I did resort to going on Facebook and basically saying, "In you FACE!!!" to those who suggested last year that his behavior problems were due to my "lack of discipline".  I posted this:

I just got a call from the special ed teacher at Tristan's school. They just got his IEP today and school records from Dorr. She said that I must be very proud because the Tristan she sees is a totally different child than the one she is reading about...we are going to meet next week to change his IEP because it calls for being in the special ed room all day and that doesn't seem to be necessary since he's been in the regular classroom full time and is doing exceedingly well without the additional support.

Furthermore, I'm going to take this opportunity to be unapologetically bratty and say I TOLD YOU SO. Several people thought that Tristan's behavior issues last year were because I didn't "discipline" him -- their idea of discipline being hitting and other forms of pain, shame, and humiliation -- and they took it upon themselves to hurt my child. Then they acted surprised that the violence they modeled to him was adopted by him against his family and peers.

Now that he is no longer exposed to that type of "discipline", he is treating others with the same kindness and respect that I model for him at home. Go figure.

So there's that.  Additionally, I had a phone interview with Kellogg's today.  While I was writing this blog entry, the recruiter called back to let me know that they wanted to hire me!  It is for a temporary assignment which is expected to go to February or March.  However, there is the possibility that I might get hired on after that as a permanent employee.  It pays $15/hr and is full time.  The best part is that it has flexible hours, so as long as I am there between the core hours of 9-3 and work 8 hours each day, my start and end times are up to me.  This is amazing news!

I downloaded a wedding planning app, which is extra exciting now that we will actually have income.  I'm not sure exactly what date we should shoot for, since neither the fall equinox nor the winter solstice fall on a Saturday next year.  Hmmm, maybe Samhain?  That could be fun.  I'm going to check it out now.  More later!

Mulching the Garden

The title today is going with the theme of planting new seeds, but coincidentally, Joth and I actually were helping his mom spread mulch over her garden today.  I think that's serendipitous.  Tomorrow is the new moon, new seed planting day.  We've talked about planting the seed and not watering the weeds, but the soil in which the seed has been planted needs to be fertile for your intention to grow.  It needs to be nourished, which is where the idea of mulching comes in.  

It isn't enough to make the intention and disregard negative thoughts.  We need to support and feed our intention with positive thoughts as well.  Also, we need to take the necessary action steps to see our dream through to reality.  What are my dreams?  How can I nurture them?  What will it take for me to help them grow?

Tomorrow, I'm going to sign up on Thumbtack to offer reiki sessions.  We can set up the library with the massage table, make some business cards, and design a website.  It's good to become clearheaded and get back into some healthier habits myself to closer align with that which I wish to create in my life.  I would like to clear the path connecting me with the divine of any distracting debris and clutter.  I have resumed drinking the green smoothies and my studies.  Yoga and meditation are next.  The possibilities are endless!  We can even offer herbal salves.  When I've completed my ayurveda course, I could even make dosha-balancing salves.  Reiki-blessed dosha-balancing salves.  Candles.   Herbal tea.  Yeahhhhhhhh.

Last night, we had a few people over for a taco night.  We had some adult beverages and sang some karaoke as well while the kids watched movies on the projector and played video games.  It was a pretty fun night, but Joth and I got into a stupid fight when we went to bed.  It was just a minor disagreement but it escalated quickly because alcohol was involved.  We cooled down, though, and talked things over and things seem to be better now.  In fact, it had felt like some tension had been building between us and last night it just reached a breaking point.  It felt good afterwards to have released our issues and I felt closer to him after we reconciled.  

Today has been pretty great, but uneventful.  We slept late, helped with the mulching, and now we're just hanging out.  I downloaded some ayurveda apps and Joth is taking a dosha quiz right now.  We were going to watch a documentary but then Scott came over so I'm not sure if that's going to happen tonight, but that's okay if it doesn't because I need to go to bed fairly early anyway.  Tomorrow is Monday, Tristan has school, then after school he has counseling, then after that we have family pictures.  Whew!

I don't think I have anything else to talk about right now, sooooooooo....later, gator!

Don't Water the Weeds

Okay, I'm feeling kind of grouchy today.  That's okay.  I'm trying to focus on the positive, though -- not by denying that  the negative exists, but just by feeding right wolf, so to speak.  Shit, I better brush up these grammar skills before I start my novel, right?  :)  This sloppy habit of writing run-on sentences will not help at all.  

What should I even write about?  I had some ideas, but I'm trying to hard to FORCE it so nothing I have thought of so far feels right.  I have to just relax and let it come to me, but it has  to happen within the next couple of weeks.  My muse doesn't like being held to a timeline.  

I haven't posted an update on Sienna lately.  Last month, Mike and Kelli posted a video for the update.  Oh my WORD.  She was dressed up in two tu-tus (say that five times fast), holding a little microphone, singing "Let it Go" from Frozen.  The best part of it all was her FACE.  She was getting so into the performance, adding all of this expression for dramatic effect.  At two.  That child has what it takes to be a star, and instead of that making me envious that I'm not the one to raise her, it makes me proud that I made the right choice so she'd have the parents that could support her talents and nurture her passions.  She'll be going places.  

I do sometimes wish we had more openness in the adoption, but I recognize that due to my very nature, it just isn't possible.  I'm an arms-length kind of person, even with my best friends, so a closer relationship with her parents who are essentially still strangers to me can't be forced.  I love them, I trust them, but I can't just suddenly flip on some bonding switch and go have lunch and sleepovers or chat over coffee with them.  I don't feel that type of comfort with anyone.  Unfortunately, that is a barrier to me having a closer relationship with Sienna, and I hope that as she gets older she doesn't take it as a sign of rejection.  She's happy and well-adjusted, and if she ever wants to get to know me better as she gets older, we can adjust things.

I did my ayurveda class work on Thursday, and it feels really good to be back on track.  I'm 39% finished with the first quarter.  Sighhhhhhh.  But hey, once I finish hypno, I can do ayurveda on Tuesdays AND Thursdays so I can finish up more quickly.  Joth's mom told him that he can do massages in the library, and I asked if I can do reiki there too and he said that I could.  I'm super excited, but of course a little nervous as well.  

I also spoke with THREE different recruiters yesterday about 3 jobs  that my resume is being submitted for.  Two of them are for Kellogg's and the third is a customer service team lead.  I don't have any leadership experience, but as Joth pointed out, retention is like customer service times ten.  I dealt with all of the customers that a normal CSR would have sent to their supervisor anyway.  We were trained to deal with the most difficult situations in the interest of keeping as many customers as we could.

We have family pictures on Monday, and I'm kind of not excited about it.  First of all, my roots are showing and my hair looks trashy.  Secondly, I asked my mom about whether we should bring Austin or how she wanted to do things, and she said for the main picture she wants just spouses.  I mean, to be honest, I don't blame her.  I don't exactly have the best track record for relationship stability.  The last thing they would want would be to have someone in a family picture that may not remain in my life in the long run.  She told me that if Joth and I ever make a lifetime commitment, we can get new pictures taken.  This confuses me, though.  I imagined that if I brought up the idea of marrying Joth that my parents would scoff at it or think it unwise.  

Let's be real, this will be my third marriage.  I mean, when I got engaged to Dwight, everyone tried to talk me out of it and said there was no need to get married if we were committed to each other.  What difference did a piece of paper make?  Why did I feel the need to do that?  So now, I'm committed to Joth, we live together, and we HAVEN'T mentioned anything about getting married but he's being excluded from family pictures because we aren't.  WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME?????

We're kind of fighting right now, but I'm not actually upset with him.  It's just a communication issue.  I was trying to explain to him how I felt but he kept interjecting and trying to reframe my experience or alter my account of what happened.  It's fine if he has a different recollection of what transpired, or if he saw things differently than I did, or had a different experience.  That's totally okay.  That doesn't mean his version is right and mine is wrong.  

Furthermore, I wasn't blaming or accusing or even focusing on any action of his whatsoever.  I said this happened, I felt this way.  That happened, I felt that way.  And he would interrupt and be like, but that DIDN'T happen, and THAT didn't happen, and it was like he was implying that I had no reason at all to feel the way  that I did and that I had made up some imaginary scenario in my head which really pissed me off.  

I completely recognize that he may not have been aware of  the things I was.  It happens to me sometimes too.  My energy changes, he notices, I am unaware of any change whatsoever in myself.  Does it mean it didn't happen?  No.  I am an empath, which seems lately more a curse than a blessing, and I can't deny any changes in energy however imperceptible he may think they are.  However imperceptible they may be even to HIM.  But the thing is, that's okay.  He didn't DO anything wrong.  It isn't his FAULT.  The fact that I am sensitive to fluctuations in frequencies is not an attack on anyone.  I just wish he could have listened to me and acknowledged my feelings rather than negating them.

Well, I'm going to make some espresso and put it in my coffee.  I'm going to finish my smoothie and take some of this True Focus stuff and have a GREAT. FUCKING. DAY.  Yeah.

Planting Seeds

Helllllloooooooooo.  I'm not sure how to start out, or even exactly what I want  to talk about, so I guess I'll just jump right in.

Tristan is doing his nightly reading and Joth is playing video games or something in the bedroom, I don't know.  I decided to take some time to blog while everyone else is otherwise occupied.  

It's a week from the new moon, and I'm getting ready to plant some intentions again.  This moon cycle has been frustrating in a lot of ways.  Yes, mercury is in retrograde right now and yes, I fully recognize that that only means what I decide that it means.  To an extent.  Astrological weather is a lot like actual weather -- yes, it exists, and yes, it influences things...but nothing controls us but ourselves in the end.  There are many factors which contribute to my overall state of mind right now.  But let's talk about good things.

I have started using this app called Conscious, which gives you an assignment every day.  Sometimes there is an accompanying video or picture, and there's also a little journal where you can jot down your  thoughts about the day's assignment.  Today's is to pay attention to the different sounds around you.  Also, I've  gotten back into my school routine since the computer is set up.  I did my hypno module today, and Thursday I'll do ayurveda.  Today's hypno homework was to write an amnesia script, and it was pretty easy but also very confusing.  Anyway, I'm almost done with that, yay!  Joth and I are going to this class at the health food store tomorrow about making herbal remedies.  It's a free class and we will learn how to make salves, and we get a free salve to bring home.  I'm super excited to get out of the house and do something.  I think we both need it.

I need friends.  Shy is still in South Haven and I don't know anyone else around here very well.  I am hoping that doing these classes will help me meet other like-minded people.  Also, Joth and I were talking about starting a meetup group at some point when we get things moving with our private practice.  We have some really awesome ideas and I'm really excited about it.  We're going to design some business cards and narrow down a few details.  He also has homework that needs to be finished up, so I'm going to help him with that.  

He got a phone call today about a chiropractor that may be looking for a massage therapist, which is an awesome opportunity for him.  I, on the other hand, keep striking out when it comes to the job search and I don

TIME PASSES

Okay, now it's Thursday.  I think I started that yesterday or Tuesday, I don't know.  I already forgot.  Anyway, after the last portion of an entry I got a phone call from the temp agency confirming that I did not get the job that I just interviewed for.  I felt really good about that job, too, and I'm super bummed.  She said that they really liked me, but  they don't have space to train the replacement for the girl who is leaving in December.  At that time, they will be hiring, but I am hoping to be employed by then.  So discouraging.

Last night, Joth and I went to a class at the health food store.  It was AWESOME!  We learned how to make an herbal salve and got a free one.  It was just a simple one with comfrey, calendula, and plantain in grapeseed oil with a little beeswax to hold it together.  You can add essential oils at the end, which I will probably do.  We also learned how to make tinctures, encapsulate herbs, AND how to make elderberry syrup.  I am super excited to do all of these things!  I have heard that elderberries are fantastic for fighting colds and the flu.  My goal is to make this for my family so that we can all stay healthy this winter.  Not just health, but vibrance.  Vitality.  I don't just want to be surviving, I want us to be thriving.  

On an emotional level, it looks like that's going to be more of a challenge than I anticipated.  So many things are going so well right now in my life, and I'm so grateful for that.  I am in the best relationship I've ever had in my life with a loving, conscious, supportive, emotionally healthy person who has my back 1000% and is committed to me, and to us.  My son is doing great in school, better than I ever even dared to hope that he would do.  People thought he couldn't change, but I always believed in him.  I don't believe any of us are doomed.  I never gave up, and he is positively flourishing right before my eyes.  I'm so happy for him.  He has friends, a fourth grade version of a girlfriend, does his homework, loves his teachers, pays attention in class, scores well on his tests, and doesn't dread each day.  This is so much progress.

On the down side, though, I'm getting depressed.  I can't get anywhere without optimism, and I can't be optimistic with cold and dreary weather.  I don't care how much caffeine I consume, how many funny movies I watch, or how much upbeat music I listen to.  My time is running out, and if I don't get myself back on track soon, I'll drown.   The first deposit for Tristan's field trip is due next month, my car insurance is due in a couple of weeks, my roots are showing and I have split ends, we are running out of gas, and now there's a problem with Joth's transmission.  Don't even MENTION the holidays just around the corner.

I am glad that I am not going hungry.  I did get food stamps and I'm thankful that I can at least feed my family.  I'm happy that I don't have to lose sleep over worrying about being evicted, the power being turned off, or the heat getting cut.  But I just feel like such a BUM.  I am not contributing, I feel like I'm just using and taking and living off the system like some useless lazy leech.  I didn't want to end up back in this place.  I wanted to be proud of myself, for others to be proud OF me.  I feel like a disgrace to myself and my family.  I feel shame and failure.  Why can't I ever seem to get it right.  Why can't I just be successful and stable and get my shit together like everyone else seems to be able to do effortlessly?  Why is it so hard for ME?

On another topic, and probably the final one, I came to a realization today which was cemented by a post that I saw on a friend's wall on Facebook.  I was feeling angry at  the situation, the fact that I've applied for all of these jobs and have gone to all of these interviews but have continued striking out.  In the meantime, Joth has a consultation with some guy who calls him out of the blue to let  him know that his chiropractor is in need of a massage therapist.  It just FELL into his LAP.  I was feeling resentful and jealous.  It isn't fair.  I strive and try and work and chase and beg for opportunities and they continue to elude me.  Why should it be so easy for him?  Haven't I earned that?  Don't I deserve it?

Anyway, so I got a little overbearing about trying to push him to call the chiropractor.  I thought that's what he wanted.  I thought that would make him feel happy and fulfilled.  I had the best of intentions.  Yoga makes me feel happy and fulfilled, but for some reason, I struggle to get on the mat.  I appreciate a push every now and then, a nudge in the right direction, a fire lit under my ass.  Joth got irritated with me and I realized it isn't my life, I'm not his mother, and it isn't my job to motivate him.  It's not like getting math homework done or finishing your science project.  It's his choice, his life, not my responsibility.  As a mom, sometimes it's difficult for me to not act like a mom toward everyone in my life and I know that their lives are not mine to live.  I thought I was being supportive, as I'm sure my own mother has thought when she was unbearably controlling.  

So I applied that to myself and realized that what I AM responsible for is my OWN life.  Why am I waiting for someone to motivate me?  If I want to get on the fucking mat, it's me and no one else who will get me there.  I can make that choice any time, and if I don't, I have only myself to blame.  Why am I just letting my life pass me by, waiting for someone or something to inspire me to take action?  It's on me now.  To supplement that idea, I saw a post from a friend which said:

I've seen many people on facebook have problems, and have often been fortunate enough to have everything running smoothly. I often wish there was something I can do to help, but ultimately know that somethings you just have to figure out for yourself. Then I think, all you need to do is get to the root of the problem, correct that, and the rest will fall into place.
In mathematics, the root is often the smallest whole number that the number can be divided into. It's kind of a short hand, therefore you think that the root of a problem is the simplest solution that a person chooses to avoid.
The truth is that it's not simple... If it were, no one would ever have any problems. It requires friendship, and support. Often this is counselling. Though the perfectly acceptable reaction (because everyone has problems of their own) is to 'officially be out of fux to give'. When you're not face to face with it, you think 'how can anyone be so heartless', but here's the thing; it's not as simple as a visit to the doctor office - fill out this form, wait, answer questions, and things get better. It is a social exchange, and someone who is hurting, lost, and confused is going to find it relieving to have someone else trying to figure out this thing they can't/won't do for themselves. This explains why people use the superlative 'fuk' to describe what they are not willing to do. Because the act itself is a practice of two people doing something that they could very well do themselves. Only, in this case, the biological reaction is not a mutual exchange. Rather, it is someone who wants support so that they can stop acting weird. The conclusion of this exchange is in most cases, that they can solve it themselves, and the effort involved in helping them come to this eventuality feels wasted and unappreciated.So you find that it's like a stubborn splinter, you just leave it alone and it will work itself out.

Oh, and on a final note, I'm definitely participating in NaNoWriMo.  I think it will give me a sense of purpose, a feeling like I am accomplishing something.  I can't die without having written anything when it's so clearly what I came here to do.  :)

Frustration

First of all, I am fully aware that my opinions regarding this subject have not fully matured and that I am still in the process of learning a lot.  I know that a year or so from now, I may look back at this entry and cringe at my ignorance.  I am not saying I'm right.  But in the interest of being authentic, I need to share my current struggle.

Right now, I'm blasting a feminist soundtrack and Joth is having a post-argument nap.  Ughhhhhhhh I really just want  to get along with him.  Like, all the time.  Shit, I love him more than I ever thought I would love any man ever.  Am I frustrated?  Yeah, in a lot of ways.  

First of all, I'm still manic and still hypersexual but...well, things are a little different in this relationship.  I love that we are equal.  I love that he doesn't lord over me as if he were some superior, that he doesn't call all of the shots, make all the decisions.  But when it comes to sex, I don't really know how to initiate.  Like, I have no clue.  This is how it used to go: if you're interested in having sex, kiss him, then all you have to do is not interrupt the flow of activities that go from there and lead to the bedroom.  If you're not interested in sex, stop him.  I'm so used to simply needing to give the indication that I'm interested without having to explicitly say that I'm horny.

Although I'm a feminist, for me, as a woman, I have serious issues with admitting that I like sex.  This is pervasive and it affects a LOT.  To the point where I have been more comfortable gravitating towards dominant men, because if it was his choice, it couldn't be my fault.  If he took it, no one could call me a slut.  If it wasn't my idea, I couldn't be the dirty one.  Playing the role of a complicit submissive, obedient and willing, worked for me because I didn't have to accept any of the responsibility for what happened.  He can't call me a slut if he took it.  This is a pretty honest entry, by the way.  Mania is my blunt truth time, and it's coming out raw.  Sorry not sorry.

Anyway, this also contributes to my fucked up rape fantasies.  Maybe that's too much information, but I think it's relevant.  In order to accept what would inevitably happen in a relationship of  the type that I was seeking, I had to pretend I liked it.  I had to MAKE myself like it.  I had to convince myself it was what I wanted, that it turned me on to be taken, violated, invaded.  It's the only way to have guilt-free sex.  You have to give up your power, your voice, your ability to consent.  You have to go into these relationships with  the understanding that you will never have to initiate, but with the caveat that you will never be able to refuse.  I knew what I was doing and I accepted the risks.  There, I said it.  I deserved everything that happened to me because you can't have it both ways.  Either no means no, or it doesn't.  If it doesn't SOMETIMES, you can't expect someone to know when you're actually serious.

As parents, we all make mistakes.  I am making mistakes now, as we speak, and my kids will be fucked up for the rest of their lives because of them.  Our issues all come from our parents, and we all have them.  I developed a very early interest in sex and I was shamed for it.  I was called a whore by my own mother and made to feel like I was dirty.  There is something very, very wrong with this culture.  Like Joth said yesterday, it's messed up when you can see guns and bombs and bloody massacres on TV but you need a permission slip to see the human body in its natural form.  THINK about that.  It's obscene to see a complete person.  A body.  We all have one.  We were all born naked.  But it's inappropriate, and we're offended by displays of love, but unaffected by acts of murder and violence.  WHY.  WHYYYYYYYY.

So anyway, meandering back to the topic -- which, by the way, not even the ACTUAL topic, not yet -- I carry with me a lot of shame surrounding sex.  I want to have sex.  I want to have sex every day.  Especially right now, when I'm manic?  I get cranky if I don't orgasm.  I had to take care of things three times yesterday, which I don't mind, but it isn't the same.  I haven't had the courage to ask, or to initiate anything, for probably multiple reasons.  If I initiate, and I'm turned down, well now we're in an awkward position.  Now you know I want something.  Now it's like, you have some kind of power over me.  Some advantage.  It's humiliating.  It feels like rejection, no matter how it's framed.  I avoid it at all costs.  But, I don't have nearly as much sex as I suspect I could if I could only get over that.

So I'm frustrated.  This, and this alone, is the root of the tension between Joth and I over the last few days.  It started when I asked him a couple days ago if he wanted to take a shower with me and he said no.  I had ulterior motives.  I was trying to start a path that would lead to sex.  It was over before it began.  I got angry.  I took a shower by myself and gave myself an orgasm, which relieved SOME of the frustration but I was still upset.  I couldn't really talk about it.  That night, we were drinking and making out and everything seemed perfect and the mood was ON and he went to smoke a cigarette and came back to bed and started this sentence about how I'm perfect for him and he's attracted to me but I'm, "TOO attractive" which is "intimidating" and I absolutely went ballistic because I felt that what was coming next was him telling me he wasn't going to have sex with me because he was intimidated and he felt too nervous or some bullshit  like that and I couldn't even bear to wait for it to come out of his mouth, I didn't even want to HEAR him reject me, which he says he wasn't even about to do.  He chose to sleep on the couch.  I chose to masturbate, again.  Which I had also done while he was at the store getting beer.

I'm not going to pressure him or disrespect him or violate him or whatever.  But shit.  I don't know if it's actual physical want for orgasm which is torturing me, or some emotional thing tied to rejection which is burning me up.  I know he isn't rejecting me.  He tells me every day that he loves me and he's attracted to me, he compliments me and flirts with me.  I don't initiate sex, so I know I can't blame him for the fact that I'm not getting it.  I'm used to if he wants it, he'll take it.  Which isn't healthy and I don't want that in this relationship, but I have to adjust to a new game plan and I feel lost and confused. 

So, that leads to today.  Still manic, still hypersexual, still frustrated.  Things were fragile between us due to the argument we had yesterday, but we were trying to patch it up and heal.  It was still sore, and things were not okay, but we were on the path back to loving and understanding.  We were cuddling on the couch and kissing, and I couldn't stop admiring his gorgeousness.  I know that things are good between us again when I can't stop marveling at his perfection.  His bone structure, his profile, his eyes, his laugh, his voice, everything takes on this amplified magic awesomeness which is truly almost too much for me sometimes.  I'm not exaggerating or lying.  Honestly and sincerely, sometimes when I look at him it's almost too MUCH, I feel crazy inside like I want to break something.  That probably makes me sound weird.  It's probably related to "cute aggression", and that's a real thing, so I maintain that I am not that weird.  Okay, I am, but not because of that.

But then we started arguing about rape.  I'm sensitive when it comes to this topic.  As I mentioned earlier in this entry, the situations I found myself in were brought to me by myself.  I know I have a responsibility there.  But that doesn't lessen the terror when you say no and MEAN no, and you realize there's nothing you can do.  

The horror of trying to escape and discovering you can't move.  It was fun when you thought you were playing, but now that you can't make it stop, it's this claustrophobic feeling of being trapped and stuck and helpless and immobilized and at the mercy of someone that you suddenly realize has no real regard for you as a person and will stop at...what?  Wondering, where WILL it stop.  When tears are streaming down your face and you're BEGGING, but it still doesn't end.  When you think that maybe he doesn't realize you're serious, and you tell him that he's hurting you, hoping that he doesn't ACTUALLY want you to hurt...but he hurts you more.  The serious question you can't believe you're posing to yourself when he puts his hands on your throat, asking yourself for the first time if he might actually ever kill you.  Considering that maybe you were wrong about him.  Still thinking he's just playing, but realizing that you legitimately can't breathe, the panic that starts when you realize that there's no guarantee that he will stop.  That women in the exact position that you are in right now can, and DO die.  Every day.  And they all thought the best of their attacker, just like you do.  They all thought he would never do it, until he did.  Is he doing it?  Is this the day I'm going to die?  

I can't tell you how many times I wondered if I was going to die.  How many times I was trapped, beneath this person twice my size and at least five times my strength, and had no choice whatsoever in  the matter.  Fight back?  Are you serious?  That's like punching a motherfucking BEAR.  It will piss him off, and he'll  tear you to shreds.  Do you really think I'm that stupid?  But then, if you DON'T attempt to fight him off, well you must have really wanted it then.  If you really wanted him to stop, why didn't you fight back?  It's a lose/lose.  And I'm not expecting anyone to feel sorry for me, because I didn't leave, and I knew what I had gotten myself into, and I sent mixed messages and I WANTED to be taken.  At that point, I didn't get to decide anymore when, or under what conditions.  The reason I bring this up is because rape is fucking SCARY.  

If I, as a woman, am walking alone and men start catcalling me, automatically I get scared.  It is intimidating.  Men act like you're supposed to be flattered by unsolicited harassment but the reality is that you know any one of them, if they decided to cross the line, if they decided to violate you not just verbally but physically, you're fucked.  Guys laugh this off and say that they would like it if women sexually harassed them all day.  I don't know these men.  I don't know their strength.  I know mine, and I remember vividly that it isn't enough to prevent someone from taking something if they really wanted.  It wasn't enough to protect me in the past and I have no reason to believe it's enough to protect me now.  So no, as a man, you don't get to pretend it's okay to give a woman that kind of fear just because if it were YOU, you'd take it as a compliment.  This is so far beyond apples and oranges that it's apples and mantequilla.  Not even the same language.

And finally, leading back to the original point.  We had been discussing an article in Cosmo which suggested in the sex tips section that a woman insert a finger into her partner's anus while performing fellatio.  He compared doing so to rape.  Now, the funny thing is, we both agree that it's a wrong thing to do, and it's a violation.  And that you should NEVER just enter someone from the rear in any way without asking first.  But if you are already engaged in a consensual sexual act, and the person you are consensually engaging in said act with attempts to penetrate you, as wrong as it is...I'm sorry...but I CAN not and WILL not put that on the same shelf as RAPE.  No, no I won't.  That trivializes and diminishes the horror of RAPE.  I don't fucking care what anyone says.  And like I said in the beginning, maybe I'm wrong and I'll eventually see the error of my ways, but where it stands now I'm absolutely insulted and slapped in the face if any man were to dare act like they can relate to my experience because their fucking girlfriend tried to finger their asshole during a consensual blowjob.  I'm not saying it's okay.  But it's NOT. FUCKING. RAPE.