Strong Coffee

Mmmmm, today feels so sensual.  Like, in a laid-back, relaxed, warm, touched with bliss kind of way.  I am enjoying my coffee, the warmth spreads through me, my heart feels happy and my brain feels calm.  The world is quiet, Tristan is sleeping, and in this moment I have found peace.  I'm just savoring that right now, that delicious delight as it permeates through me on every level.  

I worked 12 hours yesterday, it went pretty well.  I found my vow of positivity to be tested a few times, and I asked myself first why all of these irritating things always happen when I make a vow to be more positive.  I looked at the circumstances as an enemy, trying to trip me up and cause me to fail at my goal.  Then I realized  that they are a gift -- if I want to be more positive, wouldn't I need more practice?  And how can I practice if I am not given challenging situations  to which I can consciously respond in a positive way?  

It doesn't count as being positive if you just get lucky and everything goes well.  The true test is if...your vacation doesn't get approved, and you don't go complaining to everyone about it or stewing about it at your desk.  When you get that call AS YOU ARE LOGGING OUT for the day, and you have to take it, but you keep a smile on your face and do your job and don't go texting your boyfriend as soon as it's over with GUESS WHAT HAPPENED OMG FML.  So, yeah, yesterday went pretty well.  Today is going to go well also.  

I had a remarkable realization yesterday!  Oh, I am so blessed!  So, you know I'm working all of this OT this week, right?  It was originally so I could waste spend more money at Peace Fest.  I was discouraged when I realized that it wouldn't show up until the check AFTER Peace Fest, but oh well.  I realized yesterday that I am getting holiday pay for July 4, which will be an extra 8 hours since it's on a Saturday and I don't work on Saturdays.  ALSO, my commission will be on that check...which will be my highest since March (1300).  All of these events are converging on ONE CHECK.  What was I just saying about the Ayurveda certification?  

I set an intention whenever I started studying Ayurveda originally that I would be some type of certified Ayurvedic counselor by the time I turned 35.  Well, the universe is still conspiring to make it happen.  I found an Ayurvedic Healing course, 300 hours online, for $495.  I did find a few others which, of course, I would have preferred...but they are upwards of $3,000 with no payment plans available.  This would give me a title and a place to start.  I'm totally excited!!!  I feel like I'm back on track pursuing my purpose.  Just like that, I feel like everything is right with the world again.  Ooooh, gotta go!  Bye!

Negativity is a Habit

Good morning :)  Yesterday, I felt AMAZING.  I did get a migraine, which sucked, but it only lasted a couple of hours and then I felt magical again.  It was amazing to me to realize as I drove home last night how different the same situations are seen behind the lens of happiness.  It shocked me to discover just how large a percentage of our actual experience truly IS tied to our state of mind.

This weekend, I was a wreck.  I didn't know if my relationship with Joth would make it, or even if I wanted it to.  I was jealous, insecure, and hopeless.  I was afraid of what would happen with CPS, afraid of these possible "legal proceedings".  I felt like everything was going off track.  Yesterday, not much had improved or changed in the way of my actual situations, but I had a positive attitude.  I couldn't have felt jealous at all, about anything, if I tried.  Worry?  What's  that?  I was able to be comfortably assured in the knowledge that everything would be okay.  I felt the divine sublime contentedness in the beauty and RIGHTness of everything, just as it is.  Nothing was "hooking" me.  I was just floating along, serenely observing and accepting.

I mulled over the addiction of negativity.  I had broken it, but being in a relationship creates a new dynamic and a lot of things that I thought were behind me are now resurfacing.  One of those ugly beasts rearing its head again is negativity.  I've just slipped back into it, like picking up cigarettes again.  It starts with a thought here, a comment there.  Pretty soon, if you're not conscious of it, those weeds have overrun your garden.  I remember how shocked I was after my dramatic change to be around my family again and to hear them criticize everyone, strangers in the street, as if it were normal.  Mocking comments about the overweight lady on the street, laughter and ridicule for the nerdy kid in the hallway.  This is not NORMAL.  How did I possibly grow up thinking this was NORMAL?  It made me sick to my stomach.  Imagine what all that negativity swirling about your brain each day would do.  It's infesting...in your kid's ears and nesting....(I totally just ripped off Eminem.  Sorry, Slim Shady)

So, understanding that it took a lifetime to ingrain this negative programming, I can be a little patient with myself and persistently eradicate those pesky weeds once again.  I won't lie, though.  It's more challenging in a relationship.  Why?  Because I'm an empath and I don't know how to be around someone else's emotions without taking them on myself.  I feel so bad and I feel so guilty, but you know how awful that recent depression was.  Okay, really you DON'T, because of course at the worst, I wasn't exactly writing.  I feel like I just came through hell.  Now, my energy is back up, the sun is shining, my motivation is BACK -- yeah!!!! -- but Joth is still kind of in a slump.

I honestly, truly, sincerely do NOT know what to do.  If there was some action he wanted me to take, or some change I needed to make, I would do it.  It's not a slump that is fixable by a specific action from me, though.  It's kind of a ride it out thing.  And while I completely honor that....I don't know how to be close to it without getting pulled into it.  I feel the emotions of ANYONE I connect to, regardless of whether I want to or not.  I don't know how to shut it off.  That's why I have like 2 friends, and I barely ever even see them.  I don't know how I can help someone, how I can heal them, when all that will happen when I step into their bubble is that whatever sadness surrounds them will begin to surround me also.  And I know it sounds selfish, I truly don't mean to be.  I love Joth with everything I have.  But I can NOT go back down there.  How do you support someone, show them that you're there for them, and love them while protecting your own heart?  I don't know.  I have never known.  Maybe that's something to bring up in counseling.

I'm guessing meditation would help, too.  I'm such a damn procrastinator.  I didn't wake up early enough to do yoga, either...I woke up at 5:19 and I have to leave here at 7.  If I had started at 5:30, I'd only have had a half hour to get both Tristan and myself ready.  I found a couple of Ayurveda courses for a somewhat affordable rate online.  I'm working a lot of overtime and if I can be disciplined, I can make it happen.  I'm really feeling a strong pull in that direction.  Plus, an Ayurvedic Wellness Counselor would be a great addition to a holistic healing team, would it not?  I'm still too nervous to spill the beans about what I'm holding out hope for -- but trying so hard not to at the same time.  I'm afraid to dream too big....but even if THAT doesn't work out, no matter WHERE I end up, I would not regret getting the certification.  

The sucky thing about mania now is the migraines.  I have a whole list of psychiatrists and the  time has come for me to make the call.  I had already decided that during the recent depression, but the head pain yesterday reinforced that decision.  I mean, it wasn't just my head...it was the sounds, the lights, the SMELLS.  I couldn't stop that feeling that I needed to vomit, and throwing up in the bathroom at work during lunch is embarrassing.  People can hear you.  I remembered to press  this spot on the base of my skull like Joth told me to during a previous headache, but every time I moved my finger, my head would explode in pain again.  So I emailed Joth and he helped me, and he also helped me fix the nausea.  I really love him a lot.  Well, it's time to get ready for work!  Today, I vow to speak NO negativity.  I will try not to think it, but it might be more realistic to just correct the negative thoughts as they arise.  

Hate is a Virus

BAM.  Just like that.  I'm blogging again mostly to illustrate the concept of "rapid cycling", but also because I have something to say.  Something more important than droning on about my sad, pathetic first world problems.  Like, oh my god.  Get over yourself.

Apparently, the coffee is working.  I was researching natural ways to boost dopamine yesterday, and caffeine was one of them...that's why I got the energy shot.  The problem is, though, I have such a high tolerance to caffeine that the amount that would be needed to lift me out of a low would be pretty extreme.  Exercise was one option, but come on!  I always thought that was such a ridiculous solution for depression.  Depression, by its very nature, saps you of the energy and motivation to even THINK about exercising.  Sure, it would make you feel better.  Shit, I didn't shower for 4 DAYS.  I couldn't even do THAT.  Do you think I could honestly get up and break a SWEAT?????

I can already feel that I'm going off track from my original point, but maybe I'll get there.  For right now, though, I want to talk about how chemical imbalances and shortages of certain neurotransmitters contribute to addiction.  Here's the thing, being bipolar is a tricky thing when you're trying to self-medicate.  Hell, it's difficult enough for the PROFESSIONALS.  If I were depressed, they'd prescribe a SSRI.  (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor).  The problem is, though, in a bipolar patient, antidepressants can trigger mania.  So you can't just have the SSRI on its own, you need to pair it with a mood stabilizer.  Those are the "downers" -- and sure, sometimes they are needed.  The faster your brain goes, the more easily you become agitated.  The thoughts spin so quickly that they take on a life of their own, you can hear them as voices in your head.  You can't sleep, and the sleep deprivation takes its toll.  It can lead to paranoia, since your mind is working overtime and analyzing everything to death.  You hear people whispering about you, laughing at you.  

Mania can be fun, don't get me wrong.  The trick is to know yourself, and to know when it crosses the line.  I don't want to ALWAYS be on a mood stabilizer.  Why?  Because they block dopamine.  Dopamine is necessary for motivation, energy, a general sense of well-being.  And while I completely agree that at times it is necessary to tone it down, I get a hell of a lot done in a hypomanic phase.  And I'd like to believe that I'm responsible enough to take something to tone it down WHEN NECESSARY.  Okay, so sometimes it takes Joth bringing it to my attention, or kindly suggesting it.  Which I usually agree with.  But just recently, when I started feeling the apathetic detachment, he suggested that I take a Risperdal and while I was desperate to feel normal again...I knew it wasn't the answer.  Shit, how could I possibly have slowed myself down any MORE?  I needed MORE dopamine, not to freaking BLOCK it.  

Attempting to self-medicate can lead to addiction and exacerbation of symptoms.  One of my past psychiatrists told me that the two most commonly abused drugs of bipolar patients were alcohol and cocaine.  I understand perfectly.  Let's say you're a little too high, you need to slow down.  Alcohol, being a depressant, solves the problem.  Another appeal that alcohol has had for me is that it also alleviates social anxiety.  But taking a depressant can trigger a depressive episode.  Now what to do?  Now you're low on dopamine.  What's a quick way to boost that?  Oh, cocaine.  Problem solved, right?  Except no, stimulants can trigger a manic episode.  So what you have is this sick, vicious wheel of death that you feel is keeping you alive but at the same time is killing you.

I don't like psychopharmacology.  I feel that we humans, bumbling around and mixing all of these different chemicals together, still don't know a fucking THING.  But it's someone's BRAIN -- their entire LIFE -- you're fucking with.  It's serious business.  We used to think lobotomies were a good idea, for crying out loud.  These chemical lobotomies are no better.  Your emotions get too extreme, so let's turn them OFF?  There must be a better way to get in balance.  

From an ayurvedic standpoint, it all starts with nutrition.  Food is medicine, and your diet plays so much larger a role than most people realize.  Neurons in the gut are thought to generate as much dopamine as those in the head, and it all comes back down to what you're putting IN your body.  This is why I'm fascinated with ayurveda.  I really need to get that certification.  I promised myself that I would do that before I turned 35...time is ticking.  Shit, I'm all OVER the place!  Here's the article.  Then, on to my topic.
Gut Instincts

Hey, maybe the reason for my improvement isn't the coffee, but the smoothie?  I didn't drink one yesterday, and I DID have coffee.  This smoothie has broccoli, avocado, a carrot, a nectarine, blueberries, maca, ashwagandha, raw honey, spirulina, cinnamon, turmeric -- oh, hey!  I was just reading an article yesterday about how curcumin (the active ingredient in turmeric) can increase dopamine!  In fact, here's an excerpt from an article:

Many studies show that stress-induced damage to hippocampal (region of the brain) neurons may be the reason behind depression. Well Curcumin can increase neurogenesis of these regions, much in the same way that exercise, environmental enrichment and learning can. Therefore, Curcumin can reduce depression, anxiety and stress.

Besides neurogenesis, another major reason Curcumin has anti-depressive activity is the noted increase in the level of serotonin when taking it. Remember serotonin? This ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter plays a role in the regulation of mood, sleep, memory, learning, and sexual behavior. In addition, Curcumin increases the level of dopamine in the brain too!

So by enhancing serotonin, dopamine and neurogenesis in the brain, the Curcumin in Turmeric has antidepressant activity, comparable to any antidepressant on the market. 

Shit, I am NEVER getting to my original point.  I think this train has officially derailed.  I just want to talk about ayurveda and herbalism right now.  THIS IS MY PASSION!!!!  Okay, but I should at least MENTION why I titled this the way I did.

It's because I had an epiphany!  Well, of sorts.  I'm looking at all of these hateful people, upset about gay marriage.  Upset about wanting the "free speech" to spew hate, and the "freedom of religion" to oppress others.  I felt disdain for them, but I knew that hate has never solved one problem.  Reacting to hate with more hate never makes the "enemy" stop at think...hey, that person is being an asshole to me.  It must be because I did something to deserve it.  I must be acting like a tool!  No, in fact it does the opposite.  They think, see, what an asshole that person is.  They DESERVE my hate and for me to treat them this way.  Have you ever been acting like a douche to someone, and then they respond with love and kindness, even though you don't deserve it?  Aren't THOSE the ONLY TIMES that you actually may possibly think to yourself...hey, I'm being a total asshole.

Back to my point, though.  In an effort to love, and in recognition that we are ALL the same, I tried to understand where these people are coming from.  Hurt people hurt people.  Those who have been the subject of negativity and hate spread it to others.  Juliea always says that monsters are created, not born.  So, it's like a virus.  Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be happy.  But let's say that someone very important to you hurts you.  You then have to tell yourself that it is normal for that person to do that to you, and that's what love is, and that's what people do.  Maybe people model hateful behaviors, and you adopt them knowing no better.  You catch them, like a virus.  You spread them to others.

I believe the natural state of humanity is one of love, compassion, and peace.  Hatred comes from fear, which is the virus.  It isn't our original programming.  Our original programming becomes corrupted when this disease hacks in, and look how it's destroying our society.  How do we stop it?  Not with more hate!  We need to spread the antidote -- love.  I know that sounds hippy-dippy and idealistic, and make no mistake, it's not going to be an instant miracle.  We may still die in a world full of hatred.  But spreading our light is our ONLY HOPE.

Rainbows Everywhere!

I would definitely call this a mixed state.  Both of the kids are sleeping, I was up before dawn, and I can't fall back asleep.  But what's  the point of being awake?  What could I do right now that would matter?  What good reason do I have to do anything?  It's that styrofoam buffet again.  I seem to have endless choices but they're all just styrofoam.  No joy to be had anywhere.

Yesterday I ended up getting an energy shot at the gas station, hoping it would snap me out of it.  I felt a little less comatose, I was actually able to converse a little with Joth, but I still wasn't HAPPY.  I mean, I'm not unhappy.  I'm just existing right now.  The weather isn't helping.  

I've got coffee on and I'm drinking the last of my green smoothie from before I killed the Ninja.  It's a  good thing I kept my old blender.  This makes me sad...I made hummus, guacamole, and green smoothies with everything from carrots to broccoli to avocados and nectarines.  But then yesterday, I attempted to make peanut butter.  I spent like an hour taking a pound of peanuts out of the shells.  I followed the instructions exactly, taking care to pulse no longer than 15 seconds each pulse.  I kept it at more like 5-10 seconds.  I did it for two minutes, scraped the bowl, and was almost done with the 2nd two minutes when it just stopped.  Luckily, the peanut butter was mostly done.  I would have preferred it a little more smooth, but I don't really have a choice anymore at this point.  Tristan loved it.

Oh, let's talk about history!  Well, history in the making.  Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality in ALL STATES.  Suck it, Michigan.  You can take your intolerant backwoods conservatism and go cry in a corner.  I know that doesn't make ME sound very tolerant, but I'm so tired of bigotry wrapped in prayer, oppression masquerading as "religious freedom".  Your freedoms END where others' RIGHTS begin.  The right to believe as you wish does not include the right to force others to live according to those beliefs.  Just like if you are a vegetarian, fine, don't eat meat.  But why would you expect that because YOU find it a sin, you have the right to ban meat and discriminate against carnivores?  

People amaze me these days.  Especially because they can't draw the parallels between what they are doing and what the oppressor has always done in the past, only recognized later to be wrong and inhumane, but by then we just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.  Oops, women weren't allowed to vote...but they can now, so it's all okay!  Oops, segregation.  Thank goodness THAT'S in the past, no need to talk about that now, is there?  Yet at the same time, these people are pining for the "good old days".  They were only GOOD for the white Christian male.  Get over it.  Your reign is OVER.

I have removed a few people from Facebook, not so much over the Supreme Court ruling but mostly due to the confederate flag issue.  I haven't removed EVERYONE that supports it, just a few people that weren't my friends anyway.  The others, well, we can just agree to disagree.  

As far as Peace Fest, at least Fabio and Crystal are still going.  I don't know what's happening with Shy.  She acts like she wants to go but she's being all Eeyore about it.  She said, "What's the fuckn point" and "I'm trying to give a shit" and "I just don't care nemore".  Hahaha LOL well I guess I can't really talk shit, can I?  That's pretty much exactly what I sound like right now.  Maybe we DO have the same brain.  I can't judge her life at all because I have my own to worry about.  I'm just hoping the sun comes out and this coffee kicks in and things turn around.

Alone

I feel like the people I have been closest to are drifting from me.  Bonds I took for granted, people I thought I was connected to for life....the connections are fading.  I already know that I'm not going to finish this in one sitting because we have to leave to bring Tristan to that guy in Zeeland in like 15 minutes.  I was totally calm about everything, but now I'm nervous.  

The CPS guy talked to Jewel last week and Brian told me everything was fine, that they just asked her where she sleeps and how everything is going.  Since she's been sleeping on the couch, I figured everything is fine.  But when I picked her up yesterday, I casually asked her about her interview.  She said they didn't ask where she sleeps, they already knew.  And I said, where is that?  She said, the room next  to the bathroom.  NOOOOOOOOO!  She probably still considers that her room because that's where she and Tristan hang out and play, and it used to be where she slept.  I guess the couch thing probably feels temporary to her, and I feel really bad about that anyway.  I mean, I offer her MY bed.  I'm not being a terrible mom.  She just doesn't want to sleep in my bed for some reason.  Anyway, she also said that she told them that everything is going well and that I'm bipolar but now that I'm taking medication I can control myself.  *facepalm*  

I can't even be mad at her.  I can't.  But shit, does she KNOW what she just did?  I can only imagine the mental picture the CPS guy got.  What's worse is that I'm NOT on medication, not really.  I mean, I take a Risperdal here and there if I feel too manic.  The thing is, though, even when I couldn't control myself...that doesn't mean I was beating the kids with wire hangers, or hurting them at all.  I was just yelling a lot.  Although I agree that yelling can be just as damaging, it in no way fits the CPS criteria for abuse.  Why am I worrying, anyway.  Really, why?  It's so weird how in a moment, the world can abruptly change to bright and full of promise to dreary and cold.

Shyloh said she might not even go to Peace Fest.  We don't even hang out anymore.  I always thought we were part of the same soul tribe, we used to be so close even when we spent years apart.  But now my boyfriend lives like 10 minutes from her but we never hang out anymore.  We don't ever talk on Facebook, and now she might not go camping.  I was really looking forward to some friend time.  I feel like everyone is drifting away from me, and I'm not very close to very many people to begin with.  If I had a ton of friends, it wouldn't matter if one or two drifted away.  But now I feel super alone.  I know it's probably because I suck at maintaining friendships, but that's never been an issue with Shy before.  I know that whenever she has a girlfriend, she sort of forgets about everyone else (and let's be honest, I do the same) but it feels different this time.  It feels like she just doesn't care.

What's funny is, I think Joth might say the same about me right now.  I know he feels like I don't care.  That couldn't be further from the truth, but there is a certain dynamic in our relationship that needs to change.  I can't take responsibility for both halves, of course, but I'm going to do my part to keep this relationship on the right track.  I won't accept responsibility for his feelings.  It just feels like no matter what, he's always the victim, and I'm tired of playing this game.  If he says something that hurts me, and I am hurt by it, bringing it to his attention hurts HIM and I am supposed to be sorry for BEING hurt.  If I am having a hard time and I withdraw, it becomes all about how much HE is suffering.  I don't have the mental energy to take on all of my pain and all of his pain too.  I can be there for him, listen to him, support him.  I am drawing a line in the sand, though.  I'm not carrying the full burden of every single fault in this relationship. 

I might update this later, we have to go.

Okay, I came back for an update.  We just drove all the way out to Zeeland for nothing, and I'm more confused than ever.  The guy asked where we were in the court process.  Court process?  The CPS guy specifically said charges weren't being filed against Tristan.  He also specifically told Tom that his counseling was sufficient, then he turned around and recommended that I take him to this guy.  I feel like they're talking out of both sides of their mouths and no one knows what the hell is really going on.  Don said he doesn't want me to get stuck with the bill, for one.  If CPS is requesting the assessment to determine if we need additional services, they would be paying for it...but they never sent over any information to Don.  If there are going to be legal proceedings, Don will not talk to Tristan until after all of that is finished.  This whole thing makes my head hurt.  I'm trying to just hold on, these are waves, I am a rock in the ocean.  Nothing can hurt me.

Update #2
I had to come back and update.  I think this is important for mood tracking.  I feel really depressed, no discernible reason why.  Everything feels wrong.  You know how when you're in synch with the universe, and everything just goes right, and you keep getting these little signs and bursts of pleasure and awesome happiness that life is on the right track?  Right now I feel like I'm on some wrong backwoods two-track, running into brambles and poison ivy and getting more and more lost with every turn.  I feel despair.  I feel like I can't find my groove and click into it.  

Part of me feels like I just MUST hang on, and everything will be okay.  I am telling myself that this will pass.  But another part of me is worried and afraid.  Tristan's counselor came to meet with him today and he was so embarrassing.  Well, the whole situation was.  Jewel was here and she was crying in the bedroom because I made her go in there to give them privacy.  So when I went in there to talk to her, I heard Tom out in the living room talking to Tristan and nicely asking him to get off the computer.  Tristan kept ignoring him.  

He'd say, "One more guy, and then we're done" and Tristan would say okay, but then after one guy he'd be like, oh wait, look at this, and on and on.  Finally I yelled out there for him to get OFF the computer.  Tom kept asking him if he wanted to go for a walk, or get ice cream, or get some fries.  Tristan kept ignoring him.  I felt like the worst mother ever and I was ashamed that he was being so disrespectful.   Plus, I also felt guilty that we really hadn't done anything today and I worried that he would think I was a lazy or uninvolved parent.  

It's the weekend and we didn't do anything fun.  We stayed inside and read books (Juju and I were reading and Tristan was playing video games) and I feel irresponsible because we should have been doing some family bonding activity.  But I feel depressed because I have no money and I always feel depressed when I'm broke.  It feels like I have no options, although I know that I could find a way to make it a memorable weekend without money and maybe I'm just lazy and maybe I'm making excuses.  Nothing is going right.  Nothing is the way I want it to be.  I feel like I'm failing.  I feel like everything is slipping away and I just want to be happy again.  It's especially important, right now, going through everything that we're going through that I make my best effort.  But it's all starting to wear on me.  I feel like I'm out of energy but there's so much of the race left to run.  And if I quit now, I'm done for.  

I'm waiting for a miracle.  My light is so dulled.  I don't know how to make it shine again.  I don't know how to break free from this box.  This feels like depression and I don't know how far down it's going to take me.  If I wait too long, I won't care enough to do anything.  The clock is ticking, I need to get an appointment with a psychiatrist while I still have the energy to do it.

Shenpa

So, I read this article yesterday which I highly recommend.  It's by Pema Chodron and it's about Shenpa.  Here's the link:
How We Get Hooked and How We Get Unhooked.  I am blogging today mostly for mood tracking purposes.  I don't really know where I am.  I guess I would call this a mixed state?  I had a lot of physical energy on the phone yesterday and I've been waking up early.  

I haven't gotten back to yoga yet, though.  Sunday will have to be the day.  Whenever I get online and I see pictures of yogis in Scorpion or Firefly pose, then I remember that I need to get back to my practice or I will NEVER get there.  Luckily, my body remembers a lot and I don't have to start over from the beginning each time.  Still, I would make more progress more quickly if I stuck to a daily practice.  AND, I gained about 8 pounds so I want to drop that as well.  It might not sound like a lot, but 8 pounds makes a difference on me.  It's the difference between feeling sexy and feeling unremarkable.  Between being comfortable in my skin and wanting to cover it up.  So that's motivation right there.

Understandably, my yoga practice always suffers a little bit when I get into a relationship.  The balance is shifted momentarily while my attentions are focused elsewhere.  But we've been together 9 and a half months and I need to recommit to myself now.  So anyway, where am I?  Well, I don't know.  It's really weird.

We were having a disagreement and I felt myself getting hooked.  We had been arguing during the day and I tried to be calm and neutral, but then I would read something he wrote and it would touch this anger button and I would feel indignant.  In my mind it became all about right and wrong, who was at fault, etc.  I would come back to the conversation to apologize, and read some conciliatory things he had said and I could feel that he was trying to bridge the gap.  My heart would soften.  But then a few sentences later I would read these inflammatory accusatory messages which would harden my heart right back up and stoke the embers of anger back into a roaring fire.  I just didn't know what to do.

So, I pulled back from being emotionally involved.  I thought I unhooked myself.  I thought this was a good thing.  All of a sudden, I was unaffected by anything.  If he said something that indicated he might leave, it didn't strike panic into my heart.  Nothing touched a nerve, I had no knee-jerk emotional reactions to his emotions and mine....well, I don't know.  Is this what Pema means we should do?  Is this non-attachment, or is this apathy?  I have felt like this before.  It's weird this time though because I initiated it intentionally.  But now I feel like I am in the world in a giant glass cube and I can't reach anyone.  I can't connect to anything, I'm just watching everything happen from some distant vantage point but I'm not actually HERE.  I withdrew myself from the flow of life, I feel, and I don't know how to rejoin.  And now that it's involuntary, I don't like it so much anymore.  Is everything changed forever?  Will it ever be the same?  Did something permanently switch off?  I don't know.

I wouldn't call this depression because I still have physical energy.  Maybe this is a mixed state.  I would take a Risperdal but it's not for things like this.  It's for times of too MUCH mental activity.  I feel like I've flatlined, mentally.  I shouldn't worry too much, though.  It should pass.  When it's over, though, what state will my relationship be in?  Is it salvageable?  I don't know.

Tristan has his appointment in Zeeland with that guy who does the sexual abuse assessments for adolescents.  I have the day off and it's going to be marvelous.  We're all supposed to go camping but I'm totally broke from Hoodilidoo and I don't know how I'm going to manage that.  I'm trying to, though, because after what happened, I'm sure Joth will take it personally if we don't come.  I have food here to feed the kids but it's not all necessarily portable.  It just makes me nervous travelling with no money.  I feel dependent on others and I prefer to be self-sufficient.  At least if we stay here, I'll know for sure that everything is taken care of.

So, Peace Fest in 2 weeks!  I'm going with Shy and Ema.  I wish Joth could come, but his custody arrangement is still fresh and I understand it might rock the boat to ask favors this early in the game.  Brian and I have been doing this forever so he had no problems taking Juju for that weekend, then I'll have her 2 weekends in a row after that to get back on schedule.  I'm working 10 hours of OT next week, I signed up in an effort to make more money for Peace Fest but the joke is on me because that money won't show up until the check I get one week AFTER Peace Fest!  That's okay, though.  I could always definitely use extra money.  I wish I knew what was happening in the future.

I wish I could feel more comfortable and secure in knowing where I'll be living and where I'll be working and where Tristan will be going to school.  The more time passes, the more I feel like we're going to be stuck in Wayland another year.  But there's no need getting depressed about it now.  That article about Shenpa reiterated the importance of meditation.  I really need to incorporate meditation into my life.  I have no excuse not to -- I'm aware of the benefits, why would I purposely make my life harder?  I don't know, why haven't I done yoga in like a week?  It's not like I don't enjoy it!  It's the best feeling EVER!  Who flipping knows.  Well, I  guess I should get ready for work.  Peace!

Culture Shock

That's the thing, when you're having so much fun.  You rarely get enough pictures, and certainly not the right ones.  It's so difficult to capture the essence of the magical weekend we had.  Add to that the fact that there were no electrical hookups...and who wants to have her face buried in her phone at a music festival anyway???....so I didn't get to photographically commemorate the event like I would have wanted to.

If I could have had pictures of everything without interrupting the free flow of fun, I would have captured the field full of fireflies.  It was breathtakingly magical.  Or the fire performers -- poi, staff, and the mace looking thing.  Beautiful hula hoopers, kids sliding down the homemade slip-n-slide on the hill, dissolving into fits of giggles in the pool at the bottom.  I would show you the warm fire, generously created for us by a fellow camper.  The face paint donated by another -- Joth had a neon curly mustache painted on him and it was EPIC.  I would show you our spot in the shade, the little hangout on the blanket with drums and guitars while we all escaped the heat under the ONE tree on the grounds.  I would show you the art barn, where Joth and our new friend Wesley played his little guitar.  I would show you the view from the top of the hill, from whence we could see our camp in the distance.  We named it "Camp Chicken Pot Pie".  Don't ask.  :)

I only hope the mental images stay preserved in my mind, and that I will always keep close to my heart the memories made this past weekend.  Was it perfect, no...I would have preferred not waking up early on Sunday morning to go to work.  That was a real buzz kill, man.  Hahaha.  I was saying, though, as we sat around the fire and talked about life and philosophy, karma and community...every now and then, we need to do this.  We need a reminder of what life is supposed to be like.  We need a recharge from other like-minded individuals, a shot of vibrance and optimism.  We need to dust off our cynicism, chase away our skepticism, and renew our optimism.  It's good for the heart, it's good for the soul.  Ultimately, it's good for the world.  

It was a great weekend, but returning to the real world has been jarring and depressing.  I didn't ever want to have to come back to this.  I want to live like that forever, happy and free.  Loved and not judged.  This was a place of kindness, where everyone helped everyone without being asked.  Everyone shared, everyone hugged.  Why can't it always be that way?  It makes me sad to come back to this cold, harsh world.  I'm having an unusually hard time adjusting.  Sitting at work at my desk, I just feel like, WHY.  What's the point.  Why am I wasting my whole life here.  This isn't what I was meant for.

Well, anyway.  I'll get it together.  It's been hard for me to get back to my yoga routine, and I know that will help.  Every time my shift changes, it disrupts everything.  I just started the 11-8 and aside from getting out early enough to pick up Tristan, I don't think I like it.  I feel like I have no time to do anything else.  I'm sure I'll get acclimated. 

I have a doctor's appointment today for a bladder infection.  I had it all weekend and I hoped it would just go away, but it hasn't and now my kidney hurts.  Drat.  Also, my period is acting wacky just like it did last year at this time.  Coincidence?  If not, what is the meaning?  I had an appointment for the IUD on the 17th, but my period was not here yet so I had to cancel.  It still isn't.  However, I bled for one day on the 8th.  What was that?  I'm not pregnant, I took a test.  So who freaking knows.  My body is weird.

I think I have a fever.  I am SO hot.  I probably do have a kidney infection.  I'm starting to get stressed out about the school year.  It's almost July now, and I still have no answers.  No word back from the two jobs I just applied for.  Should I apply for more?  Should I stay here for the year?  I really don't know.  

Joth and I had a little bit of a disagreement yesterday and I am trying to regroup and move forward.  This needs to heal and be fixed, and I feel like we keep circling back to this place.  I need an action plan.  Continuing to move forward as is will only bring us back to this, but I'm confused as to what changes need to be made to escape this loop.  

It's hard because I feel like he doesn't accept responsibility for contributing to any of our difficulties.  If I express any kind of upset or disappointment, even if I pose it to him in a calm manner, he flips out and that's my fault.  But if I get upset about him being irrational, that's my fault too.  I feel like he thinks that I am the source of everything wrong in this relationship, and as long as he continues to think that way, how will we ever make progress?  I can only take responsibility for me and effect change for myself.  But there are two people in this relationship, and that is only half.  If he can not even accept that our conflict is also partially caused by his actions, how will we ever move past this?  

I just don't know what my next move should be.  I didn't create this all myself and I can't fix it all myself.  Nor do I care to be a part of a relationship where everything I do is wrong and everything wrong he does is also because of me.  I want to be equal partners, taking equal responsibility, being equally accountable for our mutual success.  I can't live as a scapegoat.  I am just as worthy, just as flawed, just as right, just as wrong.  

But for the most part, everything is wonderful between us.  I have to believe that we'll find a way to overcome this.  I don't yet know how, but this can't all be for nothing.  We manifested so much together at Hoodilidoo that it was over the top INSANE.  Everything we thought of came to be.  In that environment, in that space, among the right vibrations...we were a magical force.  I don't want to let that go.  Cumbersome humanity, anyway.  Wouldn't it be easier to just be beings of light and ditch that ego?  *sigh*  But surely there are lessons to be learned.  Well, I should go for now....Ta Ta!

HOODILIDOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I love that poster.  I totally hope I can get one at Hoodilidoo, I want to put it on my WALL.  Soooooooo, I just got done (kinda) packing.  For me, that means I gathered up a couple of tie-dyed skirts, some maxi dresses, a tank top, some deodorant, and my tooth brush.  I am the WORST camper EVER.  I get overwhelmed by all of the things, just like when I go grocery shopping.  My brain tries to shut down on me.  BUT, it's only a weekend, I'll be okay.  Oooooh!  Maybe I should bring some BLANKETS.  Yeah, I probably should.  Damn, I wish I had thought about that before.  I would have washed them.

So, let's see, update update update.  Do you ever just randomly stop and LOVE something?  Like, for no reason?  I was blow drying my hair and I was like, wow.  I love my hair.  Not in a vain kind of way, but more in appreciation for my haircut.  Sarah really is good at what she does.  My hair has so much more body and movement, especially when I blow dry it.  The only thing I don't like is that whenever she puts colors in it, they never last.  I know I have had colors put in at Design 1 before and I feel like they have lasted a LITTLE longer.  I think it's because they bleached the area first, and I know Sarah doesn't.  I mean, other than to dye it blonde.  But she doesn't BLEACH bleach it.  On one hand, bright colors would pop and stay longer if she did, but on the other hand it totally strips your hair and would do a lot of damage.  

Mike and Kelli never updated photos of Sienna in May.  I didn't say anything.  That was around the time that Cuntasaurus Bitch (long story, I'll explain momentarily) was contacting goddess knows WHO about my past.  I made peace with that though.  Whoever knows, knows.  Whatever they think of me, they think of me.  What has happened can't be changed.  My mom never even posted on my wall for my birthday, either.  My mom already knew, though, so that could have been for some unrelated reason.  For crying out loud, it's not like it MATTERS.

So anyway, long ago in an identity far away, I was friends with a girl named Krista.  Now, I am a bit socially awkward and I don't make friends very easily.  I liked her.  She was really cool, and she seemed to be very like-minded.  She knew a lot about the topics I was interested in, she liked to go out dancing, she was fun, she hung out with me and talked to me, and was accepting.  Open minded.  I thought.  

I was married at the time to Dwight.  Our relationship was great, at the time.  Neither of us gave a shit about responsibilities and used one another as an enabler to party our lives away.  You can't sustain a life, much less a marriage, that way...but anyway, this entry isn't about that.  Dwight met a friend at community mental health while they were both waiting for their psychiatrists.  "Crazy Adam" came over to hang out with Dwight, and Krista was over at my house visiting me.  This was not pre-arranged, just happened that way.  After what transpired between them, "Crazy Adam" vowed never to speak to Dwight or I ever again.  He was convinced that he had been set up.  I mean, sure, he was a paranoid schizophrenic so I'm sure that contributed.  In fact, I assumed that Krista's version of events was accurate because this guy was mentally ill and she seemed so sincere.

He told us that he had gone to her house and she was acting weird and crazy, so he left.  She tracked him down and confronted him, shrieking about how she has a fear of abandonment.  She clawed at herself, ripping her own shirt, and called the police on him saying that he had assaulted her.  I believed her.  Then, I brought her to a bonfire at a house of some friends of Dwight and myself.  Their friend Joel was there.  Krista and Joel hung out.  Now, I knew Joel a little bit better than I knew Crazy Adam.  So when he said he had woken up one night at her apartment to her screaming, throwing things, assaulting him, and basically losing her shit...I began to wonder.  I decided not to take sides.

But then.  I saw that she had become Facebook friends with Fabio.  I asked him how he knew her, he said she had requested him.  I warned him that she was likely crazy and that he should be careful.  He didn't listen.  So basically, she had gone through MY friends list and added him from THERE.  Anyway, they hung out and it was time for him to leave because he needed to get his son.  She started freaking out, losing her shit, threatening him, talking about her fear of abandonment and all that other bullshit again.  She threatened to call CPS as leverage and manipulation to get him to obey her.  So from there, Fabio and I have since referred to her as Cuntasaurus Bitch.

I, of course, blocked ALL of her Facebook accounts (at the time she had like 5, and they each interacted with the others) and never spoke to her again.  Fast forward five years later, I decide that the past is the past and I unblocked her.  I never messaged her, added her as a friend, or interacted with her in any way.  I simply unblocked her as a symbolic releasing of all past negativity.  Before I knew it, someone was messaging Joth telling him things that he already knew and also making up lies he never believed.  I assumed it was someone else, I never made the connection.  But then the organizer of Hoodilidoo messaged me to let me know that she had some awful things to say to HIM about me, but thankfully he's a cool guy and he's got my back so he stood up for me and she called him a vampire.  What a weirdo.

Speaking of CPS, they went to Brian's yesterday and talked to Jewel and everything seems fine on that front.  They just asked her where she sleeps when she's here, and she doesn't sleep in the same room as Tristan so I'm pretty sure that's all they needed to know.  The guy from Zeeland called me back yesterday and we made an appointment for Tristan with him next Friday.  

I just finished my espresso, which was actually pretty dumb since I had planned to take a nap after blogging.  I guess that's not happening.  Well, I really don't have much else to talk about, so I'll check in after Hoodilidoo.  !!!  

Multiplicity

Happy new moon!  The reason for my title is that the sun and the moon both are in Gemini.  Can you imagine an individual born during this time?  He or she would be like four people!  I have my hands full enough with both of me, and I'm pretty sure the people in my life couldn't handle two more either.  Then again, that's always what I think about when it comes to twin babies, too.  No way could I do that.  Yet somehow, people do it all the time.  I guess you don't really know what you're capable of until you are put to the test sometimes.  We tend to surprise ourselves.

Yesterday was my last day on the temporary early shift, and I grabbed some OT also so I worked 8:30 to 8:30.  The rest of this week I'm working 3-12, and I'm afraid because I've been getting tired early and waking up early.  I think I woke up at least 16 times last night.  From 5 AM until 9 I was just lying in bed, trying to FORCE myself to sleep more.  I decided I'll do yoga at 11 and maybe take a nap after.

I don't know if I updated this, but the CPS guy texted Sarah and I recommending that I schedule an assessment for Tristan with this guy that does sexual abuse evaluations for adolescents.  I was confused because Tristan isn't an adolescent, and Mike (CPS guy) specifically told Tom (Tristan's counselor) that his counseling was sufficient.  What changed?  Also, the CPS guy stopped to Brian's last night, which I think is hilarious.  Brian is not intimidated because he lives his life SOOOOOOOOO straight and narrow.  He's like this super particular anal retentive Virgo.  That is why we should never have been married.

I mean, the benefit of that is that he is insistent upon perfection.  Following the rules, staying inside the lines.  It doesn't work for me, though.  Therefore, he is not intimidated at all by CPS and in fact views this guy as a nuisance because it interrupts his carefully scheduled and controlled life.  Brian is looking at it as he is doing this guy a favor by allowing him to come over, but don't think for a second he'll be overstepping his bounds.  Which I love.  I wish I had been as sure of myself when CPS was HERE, but then again, I had reason to be afraid.  My son's behavior IS a red flag.  And I get that.  They need to look everywhere, at everyone.  I think sometimes, though, the people pointing fingers don't realize that leaves  them with four more pointing back at themselves.

Hmmmmmmm, what else.  Tons of synchronicity yesterday, which is expected when a new moon is approaching or if I'm around Joth.  He brings a lot of magic into my world.  :)  So yesterday, I kept seeing 1s and 3s.  Addresses, phone numbers, security codes.  So much it was to the point of ridiculousness.  Blatantly obvious.  Then, to top it all off, I woke up at 11:13 terrified and out of it.  I stumbled into the living room with NO PANTS ON, right in front of the SLIDER, looking for Tristan.  It took a while for it to sink in that he wasn't even here.  I don't know where that comes from.  

I was given a hypnotic drug, Versed (I think that's the spelling?) when I had an abortion.  The whole premise of this drug creeps me out.  It isn't a pain killer.  It just gives you amnesia.  So what I wonder, then, is are you feeling the pain?  Is it ethical to cause pain to someone when they can feel it, just because you've given them a drug that will make them forget?  If they've forgotten, did it really happen?

I wonder that all the time about my car accident.  I don't remember it.  So for me, it's like it never happened.  I'm sure that's some defense mechanism of the brain, but it mystifies me.  I remember right before the accident.  I remember 10 days after the accident.  Where was I, then?  Who experienced those things?  If they are not remembered, did they even occur for me?  Deep stuff, there.  

Everyone expected me to act like I had a new lease on life because I had come so close to death.  What they don't realize, though, is that I never knew I had been close to death to begin with.  People were disappointed that I wasn't more grateful for my second chance, but I don't remember the fear or the pain.  I just remember waking up from a coma with my jaw wired shut.  Cranky, because I couldn't eat real food.  Cranky, because I had to learn  to walk again.  Cranky, because I was 16 and it was summer and I was stuck in the hospital.  Cranky, because this messed up my plans to get my license and my trip to Europe that I had already paid for.  I didn't see a reason to feel lucky.  I only saw reasons to feel angry.

So anyway, back to the Versed.  When I started to come out of it, I had that same panicky feeling.  "Where's Tristan??!!" and then slowly I'd come around, realize where I was, calm down.  But it was an endless loop.  I'd drift off again, look up, and my heart would start pounding.  "Where's Tristan???" and over and over.  I wonder what those nurses thought of me.  What do I think of me?  Where did this come from?

And, speaking of hypnosis, I'm learning about NLP again with Joth.  For me, it's something I would never have believed except that Joth has used it successfully on me.  But I also want to learn hypnotherapy, especially past life regression.  That stuff fascinates me.  I've always been enthralled by the human mind and its workings.  I'm in learning mode, and I tend to stay that way throughout the summer, so I'm going to soak up as much knowledge as I can in preparation for my future life goals.

In the meantime, though, I did apply for two jobs closer to Joth.  I really feel like we can make so much more progress if we live closer to one another, and besides I miss him a lot so I have selfish reasons also.  Everything will come in its time, I know this, but today marks our NINTH new moon together.  Nine!  I have made it this far in a relationship before, but usually by this point things are falling apart and we're both kidding ourselves because we're too lazy and/or comfortable to put it out of its misery.  I told Joth that usually the beginning of my relationships is the best they'll ever be, and from there they disintegrate.  It's been the opposite with us.  Yes, he has seen the things I usually try to control or keep inside.  No, I couldn't kill the ugly parts or be a miraculously different person without any of my frustrating traits.  The difference, though, is that he hasn't used those as reasons to walk away.  Just the staying in itself has been healing.  

Hoodilidoo this weekend!  Yayyyyyyyyy I'm so excited!  I'm going to make some coffee.  Shoot, it's only 9:39.  What am I going to do with all this time?  Maybe I'll read that Urban Tantra book.  Yeahhhhhhhhh that sounds like a good idea.  Toodles!

33

It feels like it's been FOREVER since I posted!  Well, 12 days really IS a lot.  Especially for me.  I think my mood has cycled at least 27 times.  I really wanted to keep posting, especially since so much has happened.  I have been working the  temporary day shift, though, and I did a bunch of overtime so I really never got a chance.

I'll do my best to give a synopsis.  Let's see...Tom got back to me.  He contacted the CPS guy and everything is fine.   They are not opening a case -- as a matter of fact, they have no issues with ME whatsoever.  Andrew and Sarah, however, are under more scrutiny and have a safety plan in place apparently.  

I'm so sorry to take any pleasure in the misfortune of others.  I would not wish losing your children on my worst enemy, and certainly don't want that to happen to them.  However, I can't help but be slightly amused that they wanted to run to CPS bitching about what a bad mom I am only to have the attention of CPS focused on THEM.  Duh.  WHY would you call CPS on someone who is doing a million times better than you in all areas of life expecting to tell some lies and be taken seriously?  Do you not THINK that they are going to notice you, too?  

Sarah doesn't want Tom over at their house anymore because he gives her parenting advice and she feels like he is criticizing her.  Here's the thing.  Counseling for Tristan is only going to go so far.  In reality, the behavior of your children has a lot  to do with your parenting, so for counseling to be complete and successful, it very well should involve giving parenting advice as well.  She is like Rachel, though.  She refuses to ever admit any fault.  She can't handle her flaws being pointed out and believes everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault, never hers.  

It was laughable at how much negative she had to say about my parenting when...well, let's see.  I have been documenting what Tristan has told me, and so far she's slapped him so hard he got a nose bleed and grabbed him by the neck and threw him across the room where he hit a dresser.  That was terrible sentence structure and horrendous grammar, but I really don't care right now.  I have way too much to say.  Also, his dad threw a toy piano at the two year old and hit the baby by mistake.  Wonderful environment.

The CPS guy did call Brian, though.  He wants to "check on Jewel's well-being".  I'm sure he wants to ask her questions about me, and I have no issue with that.  The biggest complaint Jewel has about me is that I don't like to play video games and am therefore boring.  I doubt I'll lose any parental rights over that.

Anyway, so that's coming to a close.  Mercury retrograde has ended!  It was a challenging period, but it was all necessary growth.  I do want to talk about my birthday now!

Last weekend, Joth came Friday night.  He brought me a beautiful flower and an AWESOME NINJA BLENDER!!!  Dude.  I can make PEANUT BUTTER with it.  I can use raw honey, organic peanuts, coconut oil....OMG.  I made hummus with it -- I even made the tahini!!!!!  I roasted the sesame seeds...maybe I burnt them a little...then processed them with olive oil in the master prep.  Then I used that and processed it with chickpeas, lemon juice, more olive oil, himalayan pink salt, garlic, and of course turmeric.  I mean, come on.  I don't want  to get cancer.  I put that shit in EVERYTHING.  Oh yeah back on topic.

So, Friday night we went to Ah Nab Awen Park and saw ET outside.  Well, kind of.  We were pretty far away from the screen, and to be honest, we were way more interested in each other.  The weather was perfect, the park was packed, and we were both in high spirits.  It was BYOB so I was enjoying a nice Two Hearted Ale while we sat on the grass.  We mostly just talked and kissed.  I made sure to get a few pictures because I want better photographic documentation of the things we do together.  Not that I'd ever forget, but I don't ever want to forget.

After the movie, we went to a bonfire with Crystal and Fabio.  It was a perfect night for it.  We came home afterwards and expressed our feelings to each other in a physical way.  ;)  Hahahaha, I can't remember who I heard say that.  Oh yeah, my friend Annie.  She said that she could hear her neighbors expressing their feelings to one another in a physical way and I found that pretty funny.  Speaking of funny!

Saturday, we got up and went to have coffee at The Bitter End.  I haven't been there since I lived on the west side, and I really wanted to go to a real coffee shop with Joth.  It's just something about the combination of real coffee, great conversation, and my favorite man in the universe that appeals to my slightly nerdy heart.  I had a bulletproof coffee (with grass fed butter and honey in it, plus guarana and whatever else) and he had a creme brulee latte.  This spell checker sucks.  It doesn't recognize guarana or brulee.  WTF?  Anyway.

Oh yeah, so then we headed to Cult Pizza because they have kombucha and I really wanted to have lunch there.  They don't open until 4, though, so we ate at a cute little Thai place for lunch.  It was delicious.  THEN, we went to Spirit Dreams and looked at crystals.  That was SO HARD.  I had to exercise such restraint.  I turned down MANY tempting crystals, but I did end up getting lepidolite, celestite, and labradorite.  Also, moldavite incense.  Just to be clear, I am fully aware that this document is a proofreading nightmare.  I. Don't. Care.  Why do I keep defending myself to ME?  No one has even judged me yet!  

Thennnnnnnnnnnn we went to Festival of the Arts.  Joth had me laughing SO HARD all day long.  We walked, held hands, kissed, laid in the grass, and I pretty much laughed my ass off.  I got some henna from Jillian (sister circle) and we got some ice cream.  Later, we had dinner and beer at Grand Rapids Brewery and finished just in time to watch Skankadank.  Danielle and Maria were there from the sister circle (Danielle's husband and Maria's boyfriend/fiancee are both in the band, as is Jamie).  I didn't talk to them.  

I thought back to earlier and how Jillian and I hadn't really talked much either.  I wondered if it was time for me to gracefully just exit the circle of friends I had tried to become a part of but never really belonged to.  I mean, don't get me wrong.  They are wonderful women and I love them.  I know they love me too, and they aren't clique-y or catty or anything like  that.  It's just that I have changed so much since I met them.  I don't know how to reintegrate myself as the new Christine into the same group of people who met me as someone I don't even identify with anymore.  I feel like the only way to leave that Christine in the past is to also walk away from anyone who knew her.  It's sad, though, because I want friends.  I want my tribe.  Although I know that these women are cut from the same cloth I am, I just don't know if that IS my tribe.  I feel more called to start something somewhere else.

Then again, that's the story of my life.  I'm always feeling called to something new and different.  I'm so over this job, I'm so over this apartment, I'm so done with this town.  Two years is a record for me.  Since I turned 18, I haven't lasted more than 2 years anywhere.  I AM ready to settle down, but this is not the place I'll do it at.  It will be with Joth, somehow, and then I will finally be content.  Not that we plan to stay in one place and stagnate -- we plan to experience everything together.  It's going to be one hell of an adventure.  I just ache to be closer to him NOW, like to have that part at least done.  I hate going out there and having to come back home a few days later.  I hate working so far away from where he lives.  I miss him every night that I have  to sleep by myself.

I don't NEED him.  I'm independent, I'm self-sufficient, it isn't like that.  But we are so much more together than I am on my own.  It isn't because my individual self is incomplete.  It's just that my individual self and his individual self fit perfectly together, and we can accomplish more as a team than we ever could on our own.  I see it as kind of a sacred mission, and you can laugh if you want to, but why else would it feel the way it does?  He's been there for me through it ALL.  And I know I've thrown some awful shit at him.  He has never insulted me, never talked about me behind my back, never fought dirty, never degraded or demeaned me.  He has been supportive, even when we have not seen eye to eye.  That brings me back to last weekend.

So, Saturday was perfect, absolutely perfect.  Sunday was cloudy and rainy, and I'm sensitive to that anyway.  I had all this anxiety because I had to get Tristan that night and I still needed groceries.  Joth had promised to help me, and I knew he would, but I couldn't relax.  It was hanging over my head.  Joth noticed and we started making a grocery list.  I found this vexing, because I had no idea what I was even going to cook.  The ingredients I need depend on the meals I make.  I wanted to choose healthier options but I hadn't done any research or looked up any recipes, so I felt overwhelmed and at a loss.  Joth tried to help and I snapped at him.  

We made it to the grocery store eventually, though, and it ended up being a BREEZE.  Like, way more easy than I ever believed possible.  See, all I needed was someone to just decide.  I could have stood in front of the coffees for an hour, deliberating over the prices and boldness and flavors, organic or not?  K cups or grounds?  If I get this flavor, what flavor creamer will go with it?  This happens with EVERY ITEM ON MY LIST.  If I even remember to BRING a list, which I don't.  I swear that it took us less than 15 minutes. I have NEVER been out of the grocery store so fast, not even when I only needed one thing.  Joth was my grocery shopping rock star.  I can put carrots in my smoothies now!  And cucumbers, broccoli, nuts, whatever!  WOOOOOOOOOOOT

Later that night, we argued and it was awful.  I got so worked up.  The next day, I bled, so I thought it must have been PMS.  But, my period is not due until the 17th.  That's why my IUD appointment is that day.  Plus, I only bled for one day.  More of THIS shit, really?  But Joth pointed out that I had put maca in my smoothie.  It was my understanding that using maca over time regularly could influence your cycles, which is why I stopped using it last year.  Remember, when I went to the doctor because of all that weird bleeding, and I had been using maca every day?  Anyway, there could be some truth to that.  I found this article for men which said:

Next with this specific sterol is maca root. Maca has several neat qualities, it blocks estrogen, increases progesterone levels, helps make testosterone (though the studies say it does not. I’ll explain in a bit). Maca undoes the thing that inactivates testosterone and progesterone (i.e. Sex Hormone Binding Globulin) which increases free testosterone levels (the important number to have counted as opposed to the total testosterone number). Maca increases seminal fluid production, which in turn increases fertility and prolongs orgasm! Used with arginine to increase sperm count size and strength it is the ideal combination to increase male fertility which has been plummeting since the 1970’s.

So maybe it gave me some kind of testosterone rage or something?  Who the fuck knows.  All that I DO know is that I was irrationally angry and upset, and I bled the next day.  I read back over our conversation and it was completely different from the one I had experienced the night before.  Everything that he had said and everything that I had said had meant totally different things when I had read them, and I had gotten on this track, I just couldn't get off.  It was snowballing and my anxiety and anger was building and reality just became more and more distorted.  I realized, reading it back over, that he had been right and I felt horrified.  Maybe I do need medication.  I know that I said that already.  It is definitely time.

Ohhhhhhhhhh I am SO TIRED and I haven't even talked about this past weekend yet.  Well, we spent it together and it was wonderful.  :)  I just can't anymore.  Nap time.

Gemini vs. Sagittarius

Let's get this party started, shall we?  First of all, before I begin, make no mistake -- I am thankful for life, grateful and honored beyond all belief for the lessons of today.  I AM happy.  I'm probably going to talk about some negative shit that might sound like I'm not, but I have had several illuminating moments today.  The past few days have changed me and I do feel like I'm on the upswing.  Not that the DOWNswing was bad, because I had a bunch of stuff to work through.  Icky stuff.  But you have to clean those infections before they fester and spread.  And it does hurt.  

Mood tracking, super manic.  Like, the summertime only brand.  Random exclamations of complete unrelated nonsense.  Talking so fast I can't slow down.  Heart palpitations, insomnia.  Flights of fancy.  And now of course the new fun migraine piece joins the troupe...THANKS.  Literally RIGHT after I posted my blog last night I got in the most horrendous unreal gut-twisting heart-shredding argument with Joth.  We were just going off the rails.  It happened so fast that despite my desperate clambering to regain control, I couldn't get us back on the track.  I was hindered by my inability to communicate, although my heart knew what it wanted  to say.  My soul brain couldn't penetrate the stubborn bog of muddy confusion in my tired body brain and I just KNOW that made things worse.  On one hand, I should have stopped while I was ahead.  On the other hand, I just couldn't leave it that way.  It was killing me that things were bad and I couldn't just leave it alone.  

Kind of like (this is gross) when you're trying to pop this zit and you came at it all on the wrong angle and your fingernails are digging grooves in your face and the area is red and you've torn up all the skin around it and at some point you realize that you're just making it worse, and you need to just keep your hands off it.  But you can't.  Now it's become a matter of principle.  If you try to stop, you just keep thinking about it.  Maybe finally you do pop it, but by that time you know that the cost wasn't worth  the reward.  Your face is all clawed to hell and you're bleeding and your face is swollen and it looks ten times worse than before you tried to pop it.  You should have just stopped when you realized you wouldn't succeed.  How many times do we doggedly pursue paths that lead us nowhere, even after we realize that they are dead ends?  

I should have stopped.  I didn't even really know what I'm saying.  Here's the trouble with super manic -- this is the time  that  things are moving so fast that I don't really know what is happening until after it happened.  There is a delay.  I am not actually IN time.  Where am I?  Probably the same place I go when I black out from drinking.  (Which, for the record, has only happened to me when I drank with Noe.  Ever, in my life.  I don't know why, because I have drank larger amounts before and since and it never happened with anyone else.  I think he did something to my mind.  In fact, I KNOW he did, but that's an irrelevant trail that I'm not going to hop down)

Oh!  So speaking of like my brain and my heart, I made a connection today.  So, it's a full moon in Sagittarius.  The sun is in Gemini.  I am Gemini Sun/Sagittarius Moon.  Additionally, I am a Gemini and Joth is a Sagittarius.  We played our roles, all right.  The fight from last night exploded into today, in a furious flurry of frustrated emails and misspelled disjointed texts.  Rapid fire, back and forth, a verbal stream alternating between apologetic appeals and indignant accusations.  The Ang Stoic full moon report REALLY applied.  But also, I realized as I read it that this is the constant struggle that plays out within me all the time.  Emotionally, I am my moon.  Mentally, I am my sun.  So the head/heart is in conflict every day, like Joth and I were today.  In my heart I am an idealist optimist.  In my head, I am a logical skeptic.  I have mentioned this many times, that I have the Princess of Cups on one shoulder and the Queen of Swords on the other.  And this is why.  The idealism of Sagittarius is opposed by the detached intellectual coolness of Gemini.  I need to balance these forces within myself and outside of myself.

Here's a little excerpt:

The Sagittarian Moon

This moon indicates a very vibrant, very passionate emotional desire to satisfy our ardent curiosity; a lust for adventure and wide-ranging experiences; to experience the most awesomest time in the most hyper-optimistic way that we can conjure (of all time, ever!!). Of course in this alignment the Moon is held highly to account by the highly discerning Gemini Sun. This opposing Sun, being in an air-sign, doesn’t quite condone all of this highly exaggerated emotional conviction. All this unbecoming excitement, holding ardent faith in some wild and whimsical pursuit just doesn’t compute at all with the highly discriminating solar consciousness here. Gemini, being an air sign, likes to harp on facts, and thus insists on evidence and empirical data to make a case – Sagittarius, being truly inspired by the sheer inspiration of fire prefers to go on intuition and the very verve and spirit of its enterprise. Both see each other as a bit impractical and hence the conflict of interests arises. Usually they work it out, but it is this conflict that makes this particular Full Moon moment quite instrumental in the progression of our overall spiritual development.

It is as if the great ‘inner/outer’ dialogue begins to take a crucial form now and from this, a decisive outcome is becoming forged. Whether this is a process that we must conduct alone within our meditative mind, or we externalise into debate with those around us, this becomes a scrupulous moment in our monthly cycle where our instinctive urge to uncover a truth is challenged by a string of resisting premises, all equally sound in their assertion of intelligent points, each valid enough to entertain and make us question the whole basis of our belief system.

This is going to be a looooooooooooong entry.  Just a heads up.  So, I was feeling despair and defeat and fear and anxiety and devastation and loss and uncertainty.  I was rocked and shocked and I didn't know what to do.  I was clinging so hard to the fact that he didn't apologize.  We had this argument, I was sorry, and I tried to let him know that the entire situation could have de-escalated if only he had said those two little words.  That's it!  I didn't expect him to take the blame, I knew that I was largely at fault.  But when communication breakdowns happen, both participants contribute in some way.  I'm not even saying it was intentionally.  Goddess knows I didn't mean to hurt him, I'm not at all implying he meant to hurt ME.  We both ended up accidentally hurt, casualties of the careless words flung around in unconscious moments.  Emotional bulls in interpersonal china shops.  But it really hurt that he couldn't apologize. 

Then I read that article this morning and it helped me understand.  Honestly, what bothered me the most about it was the fear that because he refused to admit any mistake, that he must assume that I was the root cause of this disagreement and EVERY disagreement.  Which may lead him to later decide, if he believes that I am the cause and perpetuation of every conflict, that a troublesome force such as myself is unwelcome in his life.  If he is unable to see that he played a part, do I bear the burden of the full responsibility?  Am I, in his eyes, the negative factor, and therefore does he believe that everything would be fine in the ABSENCE of this negative factor?  What it came down to is, does he think I'm a failure?  Is he disappointed in me?  Does he view me as unworthy?  Which then leads to my own feelings of unworthiness.

Which tied me right back to the article I read about people who don't apologize.  It said that these people suffer from low self-esteem and to admit a fault they feel is a reflection of their actual worth.  Instead of seeing it as a behavior, they see it as a character flaw.  Nobody is perfect.  But for someone who can't apologize, it is because to them, to be imperfect is to be worthless.  And I know this is true because  the conversation we had last night was pretty clear from his end that he  took my request for an apology as an accusation of being a shitty boyfriend and my declaration of having been hurt by him was like saying he is worthless and can't do anything right and I don't remember or appreciate anything amazing he did.  So in that way, I can relate.  His lack of apology makes me question my self-worth, my request for apology makes him question his.  There must be a way around this.  We love each other madly.  But we do need to communicate better.

I just worried that if we keep getting in arguments, and he keeps thinking it's all my fault, eventually he'll believe that the right solution is to break up.  And I don't want to lose him.  We have something so great, so amazing, that even though I have always been a runner I am rooted.  Fully committed.  Staying present and showing up even when things fall apart.  

In other news, I learned something today.  I had so many customers tell me today that I made their day better, one called me a superhero, others said I was the most helpful representative they had ever talked to.  Well I guess I'm thankful that I'm doing OT during mania, because I wouldn't have the mental fortitude to make it through all of  these calls and emerge on the other side as chipper and upbeat like I have.  I did not engage any of the angry customers today or yesterday.  No matter HOW rude, or angry, or upset they were.  Even if they were demanding, insulting, rude, interrupted, belittling, ignorant.  I treated each of them with as much love and kindness as I could, and I had miraculous results.  I am going to try this in everyday life.

Oh!  Tom called me back, so I'm going to meet with him probably Thursday.  I'm getting an IUD put in when my period starts, my appointment is for the 16th.  I can go for Mirena, which is hormonal and lasts 5 years.  I'm leaning toward Paragard, though, because it's non-hormonal (copper) and lasts 10 years.  I'm going to do some research, though.  I should stop blabbing now.