Forgive me, for this entry is going to be a little on the woo-woo side. I can't help it. Truly, some things just can't be explained. They can only be experienced. A skeptic at heart, I never take anyone's word for something until I see it with my own two eyes (or feel it with my own 7 chakras, whatever). So I won't be upset in the least if you think I'm inventing things. I used to think that when other people told me about such experiences, and honestly I still do when I hear about things that seem impossible to me.
So first, the Hamsa hand...another idea for a great tattoo, right? It's a good thing that I don't have unlimited money, otherwise I'd be covered in tattoos from head to toe right now. :) Where should I back up to? Well first, I'll back up to the last entry. Right AFTER I clicked "Publish", my phone rang. It was a job recruiter from Farmers Insurance, asking me if I could do a phone interview. We scheduled it for the next day, which was yesterday. I worked for Farmers 8 years ago. I was there for 3 years and I was #1 in my department (in metrics -- "numbers") when I left customer service.
When I started, I was married to Jewel's dad. It was one week before her first birthday that I officially started training. Things were fairly stable in my life at that point. I was always to work on time. I passed my licensing exam on the first attempt with flying colors. I was selected for special projects and special training and always got awards. Then...well, I still couldn't honestly tell you what really happened. There was nothing WRONG with Brian, there never had been. I didn't feel anything terribly negative toward him. I just didn't feel anything much toward him whatsoever. I thought he was a nice guy, he was definitely a good dad. My family liked him. He had a stable job and kept the house clean. I thought getting married, having that house in the suburbs with the SUV and a baby...any day now, life would feel perfect.
What happened then? Was it a manic episode, or did I suddenly awaken to the realization that I was stuck in a life of stagnation? That I was BORED, and it was never going to change? I'm not calling Brian boring. I just wanted...more from life. Not go to work, get out, pick up the baby from daycare, come home, eat dinner, sit in front of the TV for a while, go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. This was LIFE? This was what people waited their entire lives for? I entered into panic mode, I think. I was only 20 when I had Jewel, but I felt SO OLD. I felt older then than I do now! And Brian, while being caring and "safe" and stable and all...well, there just never were any sparks. We had nothing in common, which I thought was fine because "opposites attract". He doesn't read, he likes watching football, he is politically conservative, and he's a neat freak. So we couldn't have stimulating conversations. There was just nothing explosive about that relationship, so I went looking in other places for that spark my soul craved.
We'll cut to the chase because I have other things to talk about today. I became Juliea's girlfriend, which Brian didn't know about because then he would have wanted to be involved and I didn't want him to have anything to do with that. I felt something toward Juliea that I had never felt toward Brian. But, karma's a bitch, and it turned out that SHE felt nothing toward ME -- it was purely physical to her, and that kind of hurt. I wanted to feel that way again. I cheated on Brian, he found out, and he wanted to go to counseling. We went to counseling, but I knew we were doomed. I needed to have that feeling, and I knew that there was no way we could cultivate it in our relationship. It had never been there. It COULD never be there. So, I left and began a string of chaotic wild unhealthy relationships.
First was Tet, who was fun to be around and very sweet, but also dishonest. I kept catching him in pointless lies. He would make up these stories that no one believed just to make himself seem cool, and it was tiring. While I was dating him, I also started dating Shyloh (at the time her name was not Shyloh, she went by Jace). I broke up with Tet, Shyloh moved in, she wanted to get serious. I freaked out and got in touch with an ex, hooked up with him when he got out of jail and kicked her out. I was a horrible fucking psychopath at this time of my life. Anyway, when RJ and I got together, he introduced me to meth and I confessed this to Juliea, who forwarded the emails to Brian and he took me to court and got custody of Jewel. I don't blame him, but as messed up as my life was, I had never done drugs around her.
Anyway, RJ stopped paying attention to me. He didn't want to have sex anymore and he only called me when it was payday. I found out he was taking my car to go see the woman he was still married to, and spending my money on her. Also, he took my car to steal anhydrous from local farms to make meth with. One night while he was busy ignoring me, his friend Andrew told me I looked pretty in the dress I was wearing. That's all it took. For someone to pay attention to me. Andrew and I got together, shortly after that I got pregnant, and my entire life went down the drain. I could never get to work on time. I had no energy to focus on anything else in life because it was being siphoned away by this toxic relationship. There was ALWAYS something broken, something to worry about, some drama or unhappiness. There were lies, cheating, yelling. He wanted me to leave the car with him when I went to work, but he kept getting me to work late. I eventually lost my job.
Anyway, that was 8 years ago. Now, they are considering hiring me back. This would be PERFECT because if I work in Caledonia, I could move to Hastings. I would only be a half hour away from Joth. I would have a better schedule, so I could spend more time with my family. In order to try to manifest this, I decided to finally give meditation a try. I mean, I've done it before -- just chanting mantras, I don't just have malas to look cool or anything. But I looked up "mantra for manifestation" and found one, Hum Sa. I won't go into depth explaining it, but here's a link if you want to check it out:
Hum Sa meditation
Anyway, I did this for three minutes. Also, I took a piece of paper like I did when I was trying to manifest a soulmate. I made present tense statements, like I did with that one. (I am a Farmers employee. I am successful at my job. I have my own desk. I enjoy my job. My new shift at Farmers allows me to spend more time with my family.) And so on, and so on. Then, I drew the reiki symbols on it and folded it up. Then, I placed a candle on top of it which I anointed with Bergamot -- apparently, bergamot is good for abundance. Then, I lit the candle and let the energy go to work.
Last night, when I got to work, I was scheduled for a coaching with my supervisor. Oh, yeah, so I got a .49/hour raise. Yup. I'm not even lying. Now, that had nothing to do with what I was trying to manifest...but I think it's a clear message from the Universe. "I hear you. I'm working on it." I did the meditation again today.
Today it suddenly dawned on me that "Hum Sa" = Hamsa. Hence, the picture. Okay, I just clicked "Preview" and this entry is already way long. I had a bunch of other things to talk about, but they will have to wait. Til tomorrow!
Aloha! I am sipping a Yin Yang mocha from the coffee shop down the street. Nice name, right? It's white chocolate and dark chocolate, harmoniously blended together. I got an extra shot of espresso, too, because I knew I'd need the energy today. I have Spanish rice simmering on the stove right now, and I was going to make churros also. We're having a Mexican fiesta themed potluck for my team at work today. Ultimately, I was too afraid to attempt to make churros because the last time I did (for Spanish class in high school) I started a fire on the stove. Also, I had flan in the oven, and that spilled over and caught fire as well. It was a bad day for me. :)
Speaking of bad days, holy goddess, I have to tell you about Tuesday. Ugh. Maybe I shouldn't. I was so excited, right? PUMPED. My relationship was great, I was interviewing for an awesome job -- it felt like life was really going my way. Hahahaha. Tuesday, as I believe I mentioned, was Sienna's birthday. Her parents posted the CUTEST little video of her. It was so adorable. It touched my heart...and grabbed it, and squeezed it, and ripped it apart. I mean, I am so glad to have seen it. And I'd prefer openness over the agony of not-knowing any day. But oh, woah, you just really have to be so strong sometimes.
I didn't realize that I was really that emotionally off-kilter. In fact, Monday Joth had continued to ask me over and over again how I was, if I was okay. It was confusing me. Why shouldn't I be okay? Why do you think I'm not? Why do you keep checking in on me? I was not cognizant of any disturbance in my energy field whatsoever. We are very tuned in to the energy of one another, but I assumed he was getting a faulty reading. I was fine. I was okay.
Well, Tuesday suddenly I realized it was Sienna's birthday. Joth got up early just to wish me luck on my interview, which was super awesome. We were chatting on messenger and I kind of timidly put it out there...today is Sienna's birthday. I realize I should have been more clear. You see, the thing is, I have not felt okay about expressing any sadness, grief, or negativity surrounding this adoption to ANYONE. My entire family was so supportive of Mike and Kelli, and outwardly demonstrative of their concern for Sienna's well-being. It was almost like I was not allowed to be sad, because that would be selfish, how dare I rain on the happiness of this new family. How dare I put a damper on the celebration. I think that my family felt that it would be disloyal to Mike and Kelli if they acknowledged that it was hard for me. If they made it okay for me to be sad. I think they thought it would weaken their support for them if they also showed support for me.
So anyway, this became a private pain, something I could never really discuss with anyone. It doesn't mean I feel like I made a bad decision. It doesn't mean I regret it. But, god damn it, it HURTS sometimes, and that's okay!!! At least, it should be. But I've never felt like it was okay. If I love her, I should be happy for her, and never burden her with my grief. I should just pretend it doesn't exist. You know, I've done that my entire life. Just bury the ugly feelings. No one wants to see those. Don't ruin a good time. Stop being selfish and messing up everyone else's moods with you FEELINGS. You're so dramatic.
ANNNNNNYWAYYYYYY, I mentioned it to Joth. I don't know what I was expecting, except that part of me maybe was aching for someone to say, "That must be really hard for you. Are you okay?" or, "I know that must be difficult. Everything's going to be all right. I'm here for you." Something like that. I felt like I was holding this broken, bleeding piece of my heart out to him. I just wanted him to kiss it and make it better. He replied, "Ah. I see." I lost my shit.
I thought I was okay, I wasn't. I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't talk to him about it. How dumb does THAT sound? How would I even begin to have that conversation? What could I say that wouldn't make me sound ridiculous and petty? I decided I wasn't in a place to talk about it yet, and there was no good place that conversation could go. So, I stuffed it back in, shoved it down, shut it up. I went to my interview, which went horrible.
The recruiter was very abrasive. I like honesty -- GENTLE honesty -- but she was one of those brutal honesty people. One of those people who believe themselves to be noble because they tell it like it is. Straight up. They think that makes them superior because of their honesty, but they fail to realize that the lack of kindness detracts from any nobility they thought they had. BEFORE the interview even started, she told me that the only reason I was there was because April had recommended me, and outside of that she could see no good reason to hire me. Okay, bitch, I make twice as much as what this stupid job pays anyway so don't talk to me like I'm not GOOD enough to take a pay cut to work for your company. Shit. Okay, that wasn't very zen. Woooosaaaaaa.
I couldn't help it. I burst into tears. At that moment, I knew the interview may as well have been over. I just wanted to leave. But no, I still had to answer all of her stupid fucking questions! Why??? What was the POINT? It was such an exercise in futility. So, I got done with the interview and it just added to my unhappy feelings. I continued to stew about the morning, and now the afternoon was stacked right on top of it. Still, though, I felt like I couldn't discuss the morning with Joth. I couldn't keep it in, though. So, I pulled a passive aggressive move and posted a poem that only Joth could see about how I felt. I figured that way, if he wanted to discuss it, we could. If he didn't, he could just pretend he never saw it and we'd pretend it never happened. I could never have predicted that he'd choose option 3, freak the fuck out and turn it into a two day emotional maelstrom.
I'm not even going to bring my energy down to put myself back in that place and recount for you the surreal horror that ensued. There was no fixing it. There was no making it right, no amount of gentle talk, apologizing, explaining. He just went off the rails. It felt like last month, right before we broke up. Only this time, I had no relief for my frustration. I promised I wouldn't leave. I had no out. Secretly, though, in that moment, I hoped he WOULD. I just didn't know what else to do, and couldn't even handle this additional onslaught of negativity. I was breaking down. I was falling apart. Sienna's birthday, then a bad interview, then THIS...it was all too much for me to bear. It gets better, though.
At the end of my shift, I got stuck on a call so I was out late. Then, I realized I was running out of gas so I had to stop and get some. Leaving the gas station, I forgot to turn my headlights on right away so I got pulled over. Then, someone was behind me when I got to the road Tristan's daycare is on, so I passed the road. I tried to turn around in someone else's driveway and got stuck. I eventually got myself out and got Tristan. I find out Wednesday morning that he had lied to me about having a good day and had left his folder on the bus on purpose so I wouldn't see the note from his teacher.
I lost my temper at HIM and said some things I wish I never said. I basically said we had to put him in special ed because he couldn't keep his shit together in the regular classroom, and NOW he's in a classroom with kids who throw POOP and he STILL can't get his shit together. I don't know what else to do. It was a similar feeling to my relationship. I tried everything I know to try, and none of it has worked, and now I'm at this dead end of I GIVE UP. I don't know what lesson is to come of this. Where I need to go from here. I'm at a loss.
Things are turning around, though. Today isn't so bad. In fact, yesterday after I finally got coffee, my outlook on life drastically improved. Life is a lot like surfing, and the waves can't just always crest without ever crashing. You can't have the peaks without the valleys. It's all a ride, and the "bad" in fact gives rise to the good, and without the contrast, there would be no waves. As Joth always says, the trough IS the peak. I mean, really, it's all just part of the same one thing. They are interdependent and in fact don't even exist without the other. I try to understand that, but there are times that it is certainly difficult. Okay, well it's time to do yoga! Hey, check out my rice. I'm pretty proud :)
Whyyyyyyyy did I schedule a job interview for today? Was I not THINKING? Hahaha. Right after I typed that, the song I was listening to went, "...annnnnnd breathe, JUST breathe...". Good advice. I don't know why I'm so nervous, anyway. It's not like my life depends on this or anything.
The thing is, though, it represents a shift. A beginning of a new life. I so want to leave my current job behind. I don't want to support the company I work for, I don't believe in the product, I don't agree with their business model, and it makes me so sick to be a cog in the machine of a greedy corporation. Sure, I earn a decent paycheck there. But it feels like dirty money. The CABLE company??? REALLY???!!
Not only that, but the schedule just doesn't work for me anymore. I never see Tristan, I have to pick him up in the middle night for daycare, and he still has issues at school even though he is now in the special ed room. I want to create an amazing home life for him, and it's hard to do that when I only see him in the morning. So this new job represents a fresh start. The first page in a new chapter. A catalyst for many positive changes to come. But, what will be will be. I also worry about the implications of TAKING the job.
Joth and I have been together 5 months. Things are going well, we are deeply committed to one another, and it's only natural that we are looking to take the next step soon. We live an hour apart as of right now. But, he works in Battle Creek, and I will be working in Grand Rapids. I checked this website to find a halfway point, and apparently that's like Kalamazoo. Which would be a 45 minute drive to work for each of us. *sigh* That means a 15 minute longer drive, more gas being used, but no commission to soften the blow of the cost. WHY am I trying to solve all of these problems NOW. I'm just stressing myself out. But, I don't want to take this job having never considered what it means in regards to the impact it will have on my life. IS it a good move? But, I'm on a written warning at work, which means that even when there IS a shift bid, I'll be automatically placed on the bottom of the list. I'll get the shift no one else wants. I just have to trust the process. I surrender. Everything will be just as it is meant to be -- it just makes me uncomfortable not having a sneak peek at how this is all going to play out.
Today, by the way, is Sienna's birthday. It's always such a bittersweet feeling. I say this every time. There's nothing new that I can add at this point, it's the same familiar mix of emotions. Grief, joy, pride (not the bad kind), admiration, sorrow, regret, acceptance, shame, love, guilt, happiness. It's not altogether bad. The hard part is that all of these emotions are activated at once, sloshing around inside of me like mismatched laundry in the machine on spin cycle. RedGreenBlueYellowGreenRedYellowBlue what am I feeling, I don't know, it keeps changing. I messaged Mike and Kelli to see if we can set up our annual meeting. I have a feeling that these will keep getting harder and harder. I don't even know if it's the best thing to do. What degree of openness is best in an adoption? Should we have more contact? Less? I just want to do everything right, perfectly. I don't want to mess anything up. More worry.
Okay, well I'm going to drink my coffee. Then I'm going to head to my interview. I'm going to ROCK this interview. The job is MIIIIIIIINE. And if not, that's okay too. :)
I don't know what to title this yet, so I will wait until I've finished writing. I don't know what's going to come out, so that seems to be the best plan of action. Hmmm, let's see. I should start by recapping the week.
Rewind rewind rewind...what has happened? I can't even remember. That's odd. I did yoga twice. But the good news is, even if I have a not-so-hot week, I can start over every Sunday! Today is Sunday, and I'm going to aim again for a good week. If I fall short, maybe I can identify areas of weakness, employ strategies for improvement, then try again. In this way -- attempt, examine, refine, attempt -- it is all a learning process. I have to stop beating myself up every time I fail -- in yoga, in parenting, in my relationships, at work, in LIFE -- and see each mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow. I didn't come here to be perfect. I have to remember that.
What else did I learn this week? Well, I didn't drink any smoothies. It was an overall unhealthy week. Lots of sleeping. To be fair, though, the temperature was like 50 BELOW and that must activate some type of innate instinct to curl up into a warm little ball and assume hibernation mode. Self preservation!
Joth and I talked, and he was so understanding and non-judgmental that I wondered how I ever thought I couldn't talk to him about it. I was just so worried that he'd take it the wrong way, or think I was unhappy, or that he'd take it personally. He was so wonderful. He IS so wonderful. I completely recognized that it was kind of a no-win situation for him, you know? And because of that, I figured there was no point in discussing it. If he were to ask me, what should I change to make you happy in regards to this situation, what would you like me to do....there is no answer.
Besides, I didn't WANT to change HIM. I wanted to change the part of me that equated desire and passion with disrespectful boundary-crossing overtures. And the thing is, I already KNEW that if he employed THOSE tactics, I'd have been as unhappy as I had been when I had dated people who did that. I like that he respects me. I want him to continue to respect me. But my mind doesn't know yet how to interpret that as love. As discouraging as that may be for him, I so admire that he has continued to stay by my side, patient and supportive.
I became so MOTIVATED tonight! I made some coffee (with espresso ice cubes, tee hee), did some laundry, washed some dishes, took out the trash, wiped the counters, swept, and brought all the cans out to the car. I got Tristan some melatonin finally to help him sleep. The child is OUT. Score!! We had a great weekend, for the most part. I lost my temper with him yesterday, but I apologized and he apologized and the rest of the weekend went pretty well. I'm so excited for this new job.
I mentioned that, right? I have a job interview at the place April works! She gave me a recommendation and I interview Tuesday. There would be no commission, but I can live without that. Like I was telling Joth, my life was no different this year having made 40k than it was the previous year making only 28k. That's kind of sad, isn't it? It was less of a struggle, maybe. I didn't have to think so hard about my budget and I actually had money for groceries. Other than that, though? I was behind on rent every month and always out of money before my next paycheck, no matter what. There are deeper issues which need to be addressed and resolved, and until that happens, I could be making 100k a year and still living paycheck to paycheck. I know it.
I'm reading another book which Joth recommended, Snow Crash. It's really good so far! I meant to read more tonight, but I got into this cleaning frenzy and decided that was more of a priority. I'm really excited about life. I'm really optimistic and LIVE. I feel electrified. Infused with enthusiasm. This is the feeling I get when I realize I'm dreaming and decide to FLYYYYYYYYYYY. I can do anything. Life is just so sparkly, effervescent, ripe with possibility. But I know it is time for me to take some risks, move toward my destiny. Put myself out there and LIVE. I don't want to die with my song still in me. There are so many things I want to experience. So many exciting and fulfilling opportunities are coming my way, I can feel it. I intend to say YES!
This picture is just random. I wasn't sure what image would best illustrate my theme, so I just chose a fairy. Because I like fairies. So anyway, it's been an interesting week!
Shortly after I got back home from Joth's, I clicked on this STUPID article on Elephant Journal. It took me by surprise a bit, because they're usually pretty positive and I can't imagine any purpose for vaguely instilling some doubt or fear for no good reason. I'm sure that wasn't the intention. But I clicked on this article called. Oh my gosh. I am forgetting now which letters in a title need to be capitalized! My English skills are slowly slipping away from me due to lack of use. Shit, I'll just capitalize them all. It was, "Two Ways To Know If He Is Cheating On You" or something like that. Anyway, sometimes I read those articles for no reason, because honestly I've never been suspicious of THAT. Those kind of articles, checklists, red flags -- they usually confirm what I already know, that my relationship is AWESOME.
But this one was some astrology article, talking about how if Neptune is in your 7th house or some other house (I don't remember the other one. 12th?) that you are likely to be in relationships where you are being deceived. So it said, without saying it, if Neptune is HERE, and if you think things are GOOD, it's only because it's an illusion and your gullible ass is falling for it. And if you KNOW things are bad, well that sucks for you anyway because that's your lot in life. I don't know how long Neptune stays where it is, but I think it's years. Maybe a lifetime. I never even knew about this before! So, of course, I checked my transits.
BAD. MOVE. So all of a sudden, I wondered. Are things ACTUALLY as good as I think they are? Or am I kidding myself? I think Joth's feelings were a little hurt when I told him about it. I think he took my worry as an indication that I don't trust him, which isn't really the case. I mean, there's a part of me that will always be wary of trusting ANY man. But that's just old stuff, nothing to do with him. He has as much of my trust as a person could have. But he handled it beautifully and we recovered, no major issues there. I do, however, have this weird undercurrent of discontent. Really, it started when I got out to his house.
I have not mentioned any of this to him but these feelings are rattling around inside my ribcage, desperate for release. This is why I blog. I need to talk about this, and I know it isn't anything that could be resolved through discussion. There's no point in bringing it up to him, because I don't even know where it's from. He hasn't done anything wrong. But something just FEELS wrong. It's not that I fear or suspect anything specific. It isn't even that I sense a disconnect. It's more complicated than that.
Anyway, it's been stressing me out a lot and...this is how I got the title...I just realized I just need to worry about myself. Whatever else will be, will be. Whatever else is, is. The only thing I have any control over is me. I walked into the break room the other day and Dr. Phil was on. As SOON as I stepped into the room, I heard him say, "What we fear, we create." That was powerful. If this feeling makes me fear that something is wrong, what will my fear do? Would I love less wholly, trust less completely? Would I become suspicious, bitter? Would I do things that I normally wouldn't do, because the stories in my head tell me that worse things have been done to me?
One time, I told Joth that I could understand why guys cheat or hire escorts. (I think this is another one of those things he completely misinterpreted, because I'm pretty sure he assumed that when I said I understand that I meant I condone. That is absolutely not the case.) Anyway, all that I meant is that I felt the feeling and understood how that feeling could lead to making a bad decision, if handled improperly. I felt rejected, and the automatic instinct when someone feels rejected is to seek approval. If you are outside in the cold, knocking on your lover's door, and they don't let you in...I can understand the impulse to seek warmth in someone else's house. That does NOT mean I think it's okay. We should not need external validation to begin with. The behavior of others should not dictate our own personal integrity. I do not cheat because I am not a cheater, and that does not vary depending on how others treat ME.
**Joth, if you are reading this, I would ask that you please stop right here. I just had to let some private things out, okay? No one who reads this knows me in real life.
So anyway, shit, I have to just let it out. I don't know how to handle this. I am an equal in this relationship, and I love that. I've never had a balanced relationship like this before. Every single thing is perfect. The thing is, though, having never been viewed as an equal before...having been mostly viewed by previous lovers as an object, property, whatever...I have never in my life had to chase anyone. This is bringing to the surface some deep hyprocrisy in me. I don't like this ugly part of myself. I'm all feminist, right? Equality!!! I reject gender roles!!! And in past relationships, didn't I hate the fact that my wishes were so often disrespected? That my territory was invaded with complete disregard for my willingness, or lack thereof?
Except now. I do not feel desired. And in the midst of this emotional tsunami where I question my appeal to my partner -- something I absolutely can not discuss with him -- then this thing happens at work. I know it's a test and I know I'm passing. I'm not going to do anything. But it really touches a sore spot. A couple of them, actually. Why can't I just be happy in this relationship, and let that be that? Why do I always have to have some kind of problem? Why can't I just be content with the millions of perfect, wonderful, amazing things? Why does it matter so much?
This guy at work, he's started flirting with me. He's being pretty aggressive, which actually makes me uncomfortable. I can't NOT be friendly, but I'm really getting anxiety. I made sure to sit far away from him yesterday, but then he started emailing me. Asking if I wanted to go out for a drink after work, and I said no. I had to get home and do yoga. Asking if I would teach him yoga. Can I be a half hour late to get Tristan from daycare. Can we go out during our lunch sometime. My heart is beating so fast right now just thinking about it, not in a good way. Like the fight or flight thing. And I HATE this. Except...I do feel desired. My ego likes it, especially as my ego feels insulted by the fact that my lover does NOT seem to desire me in this way.
This is where things might be dangerous for someone without integrity. And shit, I'm no better than anyone else. I'll be honest, if this had happened in the past...I'd have cheated. Not because I want this guy, because I absolutely don't. But because I would think it would make that hurting place feel better. The thing is, though, Joth is so important to me. There's nothing in this world that would make me do him wrong, or leave. I'm not leaving. But this is a real issue and I don't know how to fix it. Being pursued by this other person makes me realize how much I wish I felt this desired by the only person in the world I DO want. This entry makes no sense, I never intended to talk about all this. It just spilled out. On one hand, I shouldn't be writing about all this because he reads my blog sometimes. On the other hand, this is the one place I can let it all out. This is the only outlet for the thoughts that have no other.
I know you've probably noticed that I blog less now that I'm with Joth, and that's because I can talk to him about almost anything. This blog was therapy, and my relationship is even BETTER therapy. But this is such a delicate issue. He's recovering from trauma from his past relationship and I don't want him to feel like I'm unhappy with him. He hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe he just has a low sex drive. And I'm not going to BEG him. If he doesn't want to, why would I try to MAKE him want to? I don't want to have to convince someone to want me. Either you do, or you don't. But what happens if leaving is not an option and cheating is out of the question and this issue persists. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?????????
Happy post-Valentine's Day/pre-new moon, lovers...<3 Although I'm not a traditional woman by any means and don't care much about the commercial aspect of Valentine's Day, I do enjoy any opportunity to connect with my partner. This is certainly something we can do any time of year, and we do. However, there happened to be a Valentine's Day (actually the day after) acro yoga workshop that sounded like the PERFECT thing for us to do together. I was SUPER happy that he was as excited about the idea as I was! As a matter of fact, when I proposed that we try acro yoga, he told me that he had been thinking the same thing! But of course, right? We have like the same brain or something.
So anyway, I found a workshop and signed us up. That part is always easy for me -- signing up for stuff. Somehow I imagine the ME that will be attending as a somehow more confident version. What always happens is, the time for the events I sign up for approaches, I get nervous and self-conscious, and come up with an excuse not to go. But with Joth coming along, I felt comfortable and went and had an AWESOME time!
So, do you see that picture up there? WE. DID. THAT. I know, right? It looks super hard, but it was not hard at all! It was really fun learning to work with our own body and the body of the other to balance, counter balance, position, coordinate movements, and work together. Like one being. At first, I hated it because I was so focused on perfecting it. Getting it RIGHT. And, I was afraid of falling. I trust Joth, I do...but up in the air, balanced on his feet, well...it was HARD not to rest my weight on my own hands. Just in case, you know? But I feel like suddenly, I had a breakthrough. I had to grab my feet and completely trust that I wouldn't fall. (And anyway, even if I did...so what? Why did it seem so scary to fall like 4 feet down onto a super padded gymnastic floor?)
As soon as I surrendered, two things happened. The pose worked, flawlessly. And I felt calm and blissful. Surrendering is hard. Your ego always thinks it knows best and that all of its fears are there to protect you. It builds a great case for NEVER LETTING GO. Always keeping your guard up. But if you are always trying to protect yourself, you miss out on some kind of divine serenity that I can simply not describe to you. I made the connection in acro yoga, as I often do in my daily(ish) practice, that all of this translates to real life. If I trust and let go of my fears in real life, I will stop getting in my own way.
You know, it's weird. I was doing yoga today and my brain was filled with a higher amount of mental chatter than usual. In an effort to stay present, I focused on my "I am enough" mantra. I said to myself, okay I KNOW I'm enough. But what if HE doesn't think so? What if he doesn't see it? What if he doesn't agree? What if I'm not enough for HIM? In our relationship, these fears interfere with our ability to flow seamlessly through the "poses" of relating to one another. They are exactly what make me fall. Just like in acro yoga, my fear of falling or messing up was the only thing interfering with our execution of the poses. It's silly, right? Worrying about messing up actually MAKES you mess up. Worrying about not being amazing is the only thing that makes you DO things that are NOT amazing.
I thought about that, too. Magnificence is our true nature. Every one of us! I know that you may look at a serial killer or war lord and disagree. But if they truly realized their own worth, their own value -- they wouldn't do the things they did. When I start to feel like maybe he'll think someone else is prettier, more exciting, smarter, more interesting, whatever...that's the only time I start to freak out about stupid things because they mean something different in my mind. And my freaking out about an innocent thing puts distance between us. It invites negativity and discord into our space. At that point, maybe he WILL start to think I'm not good enough. Why? All because I worried that I wasn't, to begin with! Okay this made more sense in my head when I was thinking about it. But you get my drift.
So, yoga. I did Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. 5 days, not bad. I took Friday off and planned to do it Saturday, but I was really enjoying snuggling and talking with Joth. I never want to do anything else when I'm around him. (Another reason why acro yoga is perfect for us -- because now yoga is a UNIFYING activity for us, not an isolating one.) Sunday we did the workshop, so even though it isn't Ashtanga, I'm going to count that.
There is a new moon on Wednesday, 5 moons now since I met Joth in person. :D So, a lot of synchronicity now also. I put exactly 4.444 gallons of gas in my car last night. Finished yoga today at exactly 12:34. I sent a message to Joth TELLING him that, and it said, "Seen at 11:11" (My computer is on India time) I am going to look up what angel numbers 4 means. I'm curious.
Also, wonderful news!!!!! My reiki sister, April, told me about a customer service job opportunity at her work. It pays enough, $16/hour. There is no commission, but I could make it work -- 8-4:30 with weekends OFF! OMG OMG OMG. Yes, yes, yes!!!!!! I sent my resume and she said she'll put a good word in for me. I'm so super excited!!!!!
I had another rest. I feel invigorated, though. First of all, as a vata dosha, it is typical for me to go in bursts, with short periods of rest in between. Ideally, I would go go go at top speed, take a nap, and go some more. However, my schedule doesn't currently allow for that. In life, though, overall I am much the same way. I'll have a growing period -- ideas, action, goals, plans. Then a resting period. Introspection, evaluation, contemplation, recuperation. So although I'm a bit disappointed in myself for failing my sadhana, I have forgiven myself and am ready to start over.
I am just taking stock of the experience so I can assess what went wrong, notice what needs tweaking, observe what I could adjust next time in order to be more successful. And what is success, anyway? My first day on the yoga mat, was I unsuccessful because I couldn't get into full lotus? Were all the days that led up to that achievement failures? No, they were all PART of the success. Had I not gone through THOSE days, I never would have arrived at the day I could get into the pose. The successful attempt is not an isolated incident. It is a culmination of all the "failed" attempts that came before it. Just as the last step on a journey is not the only successful one, because you could not have arrived there if you had not taken all the previous steps.
As far as the growing/resting periods, I think they're both necessary. It's a push/pull. Yin/yang. Go go go...reflect reflect reflect. Push push push...heal heal heal. Do do do...think think think. Shout shout shout...whisper whisper whisper. You know?
It's okay that the fire died down to embers. We need those burning coals to roast our marshmallows over. Now, though, it's time to stoke it back up and get the blaze roaring. Hence, my picture, the agni fire. And anyway, today is the PERFECT day to restart my Ashtanga practice. No sadhana, no 30 day challenge, just a re-dedication to Ashtanga -- 6 days a week, Saturdays and moon days off. I've tried doing other things and really that's what works best for me. If I say I can take a different day off, it turns into 3. If I say I can do just sun salutations if I'm tired, I'll do just sun salutations 3 days in a row and finally become so disappointed in myself that I quit. So this is it.
And anyway, in home and family news, everything is pretty fantastic! I feel like something has changed between Joth and I, in a positive way, since we broke up. The situation allowed me to realize that no matter what happens, I really don't ever want to NOT be together. I have naturally shifted my approach to difficulty and tension in the relationship -- it used to be, "Oh no, something went wrong, this isn't going to work." I would obsess over all the "what-if's" to the point of making myself crazy. What if he's doing this, what if he's doing that. What if he's lying. What if he doesn't love me. What if he thinks I'm fat. What if he meets someone smarter/prettier/funnier/more interesting than I am. Etcetera etcetera.
Suddenly, though, as I dried myself off from a reflective shower and looked in the mirror, briefly thinking "What-if-he-"...I had a moment of clarity. I looked at myself and understood that it doesn't matter WHAT the answer to that question is, or to ANY of the questions. I already know I'm not leaving, so what's the point in worrying about any of it? If any of those things come to pass, we'll address them when we get there -- but setting up a list of escape clauses ahead of time is a waste of my time because I've realized there's nowhere to escape TO. I can't keep running away from the work I need to do. It will follow me wherever I go. Life has somehow led me to the exact person I could only have ever dreamed of meeting. Why would I throw that away because being in a relationship brings things to the surface that I need to work on? Do I think ignoring those things will make them go away? Do I think smashing the mirror that I see my flaws reflected in will erase them? How naive I've always been.
Tristan is doing GREAT! This is another success, another dream come true. I still can barely believe it actually happened, that he's actually living with me. I almost expect to wake up and realize it's been a dream. The whole thing seems too good to be true -- for the past 3ish years, it's like I've been looking at this HUGE mountain, knowing that there was no way I could EVER climb it. Suddenly, somehow, I've found myself at the top. And I have no idea how I got here, but it seems like it was way too easy. Mind-boggling. All the struggle over the past few years...it never got me anywhere. In fact, when I tried to struggle against the situation and fight back, it seemed like Blair and Rachel tightened their grip even more. It was like quicksand. The harder I fought to get out of it, the deeper I sank. Then suddenly I learned to just float, and relax. Really, though, it's a fucking miracle.
I'm so HAPPY, though! He only had one bad day in school so far, too. That day, I had yelled at him right before dropping him off for losing his mitten and hat. I knew he would have a bad day, because he's so sensitive. I was right. It's okay, though -- I learned from that. Now I can be an even BETTER mother, because I've identified something that causes problems, and now I can modify my approach.
I'm also doing great at work -- I got my numbers up and they're not in the red anymore, so I'm no longer in danger of disciplinary action. Mercury retrograde has been hard -- but it's the hard work that ACCOMPLISHES something. It hasn't all been for naught. It's been made of the challenges which have contributed to my growth, wisdom, and strength. It's not over yet, but I trust in the process.
Next weekend is Valentine's day, and Joth and I are going to do this acroyoga workshop. I am SO BEYOND EXCITED! Somebody, pinch me. Wait, no, don't! It's going to be great. I am so grateful to have a partner that I can enjoy things like this with -- yoga, and past life regression, and reiki and tarot and renaissance faires and reading and scary movies and getting super caffeinated and talking really fast about concepts that would cause most of my previous partners to yawn or stare blankly, and 90's music OH MY GOD 90's MUSIC...he....was....MADE for me. Or I for him. More likely, each for the other. We're a set, you know. We go together. Peanut butter is good, and jelly is good, but TOGETHER THEY ARE A PB&J -- and WHO doesn't love PB&J?????
Sorry. I'm a little hyper. The only caffeine I've had today was a butter coffee -- oh, yes, that is correct. 1 cup of coffee, 1 teaspoon of grassfed organic butter, 1 tablespoon of coconut oil, an eight of a teaspoon of vanilla, and a couple spoons full of organic cane sugar. Blended. Holy HANNAH it was amazing. That was another suggestion of Joth's, which I absolutely approve of. Also, the espresso ice cubes. Well, he suggested coffee ice cubes -- I just took it to the next level. AND, the "SAD" light. You know, one of those UV light bulbs for seasonal depression. I've known about them for years, and it was always one of those things that I said I should do but never got around to doing. I should have!!!!
Okay my brain is spinning too fast right now. I probably have nothing coherent left to say for the day. Adios!!!!
.JPG)
