Annnnnnd here's part 2, as promised. Hey, I have a lot of lost time to make up for. Joth coming into my life has been such a blessing, and not just in the romantical butterfly giddy happiness floating on cloud 9 way. I mean, YES to all those things, but it is refining me as a person. How is gold purified? Fire.
And THAT is why I value and cherish this so much, not because of how it makes me FEEL, because feelings are transitory and anyway what good are they in and of themselves? They aren't tangible, you can't eat them, you can't spend them. However they CAN motivate you to actually DO something, and those actions have value. The reason that I feel so grateful for this experience is because of how it is helping me learn, grow, and evolve. It is enlightening. It is healthy. It is constructive. We're not just languishing about getting high on love and retreating into our inner ego world of self-indulgence. We're going to accomplish things -- awesome things -- with the combined force of our amazing energies.
And everything in its exact right time, too -- I spent this past year learning. I gathered the knowledge from books and videos, but as we know, that isn't complete knowledge or understanding. It will only take you so far. They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear -- it just so happened that for me, my teacher is also my partner. I am now able to actually LEARN the things I have read. And make no mistake -- it makes me mad sometimes!
Joth will be telling me something and I'm like, I KNOW this! Yet I only know it in my HEAD, while my behavior still contradicts that knowledge. It's like when a devout Christian goes around judging people -- obviously they KNOW, on an intellectual level, from their sacred text that judging is not godly. When you tell them they shouldn't judge, this isn't news to them. It isn't like they missed that day in church. They know, but they don't KNOW. It takes a lesson, an experience, to complete the understanding. That is what's happening with me. First the partnership/ownership thing, which I thought I knew but had to learn. This last time, it was nonduality.
We had kind of an argument, well it started out as a debate. I sometimes passionately debate, and it isn't personal but I get high on sharing ideas and learning. I do need to be careful with my words, though, because during this debate the other person may say something that touches a nerve. And out of reflex, I lash out. And for a second, it's personal -- yet I'm not trying to actually attack my opponent. It's just that I sometimes react instead of responding.
We were talking about feminism. I have always been a feminist, and by that I don't mean someone who thinks women are superior. I mean that I have supported equality and empowerment for women. I am outraged and hurt by the oppression women have to deal with in other countries, such as being regarded as property, having acid thrown on their faces, female circumcision, fewer rights. It saddens me yet it emboldens me to be a warrior for change. Women are sacred, beautiful, divine expressions of the sacred feminine. We deserve to reclaim our throne right beside the almighty king. We need to restore the balance -- not overtake or overpower.
People -- feminists included -- sometimes have a hard time understanding what this means. Or being able to accept that we can be EQUAL but still DIFFERENT -- in fact, the difference is NECESSARY for true balance. The white side of the yin yang is equal to the black side, but it is not identical! We have our differences, our strengths, our unique energies. Let's celebrate these, not deny them! However, where does feminism fit into a life which recognizes nonduality?
In every other area of life, I have felt that we should focus on our unity, our oneness. I have felt that the government, in its evil manipulative way, has purposely created these imaginary lines to set us against each other. Divide and conquer. I say that all the time -- the more they can get us fighting amongst ourselves over the stupidest, most trivial things, the less powerful we are against THEM. And the more distracted we are to even notice what is going on around us! So we have our right-wing republicans vs. our left-wing democrats, our whites against our blacks, our Christians against everything else, our Americans vs. our Mexicans, and all of these things I reject. However...when it comes to our men vs. our women...why do I make an exception?
And maybe we should empower something without tearing something else down. Maybe we can empower women without DISEMPOWERING men. Or maybe we can just empower PEOPLE, in general, because people who love themselves and feel spiritually whole and mentally calm will naturally make better choices and treat one another better. And here's the part where I was getting mad -- Joth started telling me things I already knew. Why did that anger me? Because all of a sudden, I started to realize that I was completely contradicting what I believed. He was telling me how we shouldn't be AGAINST anything, because we give energy to what we focus on. We should just be FOR what we want. And don't I ALWAYS say that? I wrote a whole blog entry about that! I already know!!!!
But if I know that, then why am I sitting here talking about being AGAINST discrimination and how I REFUSE to align myself with someone who thinks his masculinity makes him superior and how we need to STOP the way men view women as supported by their patriarchal religions...? So of course, when I didn't know what to say, when he told me basically that we are all one and setting up these imaginary lines just serves to further divide us, I pulled some script from the arguments I constantly read on feminist websites and said, "Look at YOU and your male privilege!" What I have learned is, basically, if a man does not agree with a feminist viewpoint, it is because of male privilege. A man can not understand the oppression of women and if he dares suggest that men suffer as well, he is ignorant and wrong.
If I am to see beyond the labels, and truly understand advaita, I can not keep putting people in boxes. There is a little bit of everyone in everyone. We are all made up of the same stuff, just poured into different containers. But the essence of us? It isn't our vessels, the color of our skin or our genitalia. The actions we take against one another are not created by the space our spirit occupies. People hurt people. People love people. We are all mirrors for one another, reflecting different aspects of the qualities we ALL possess.
Now I'm not sure if I'm going to go on to write a third entry about the amazing mystical merging of soul which has occurred between Joth and I, or maybe save that for another day. But this. Is. Epic. We're going to do amazing things together -- wait and see. I'm SO excited!!!!!
It has been a while...as a matter of fact, the last time I posted, we were approaching a full moon. Now, we are approaching a new moon. Saturday's new moon is going to be epic! The sun is also moving into Sagittarius. I love how the older I get, the more I notice subtle patterns. Getting older is amazing! You get to keep building on the knowledge you have, enriching your understanding through successive experiences, deepening your wisdom.
It's like each year, you go around this wheel. Maybe like a trip through 12 different states, ending where you began. The first time, maybe you notice the differences in climate. The next time you make the trip, you start to notice the different landscapes -- how some states have more trees, others have mountains, the different types of flowers growing beside the road. After you've made this same trip a few times, you start to pick up on the finer details that escaped your notice the first few dozen times because your attention was captured by the obvious things.
Anyway, I think life is like that. Each year, we go through each sign of the zodiac, starting and ending at Aries. Now that I'm 32, I am just finally starting to connect the dots and notice what is distinct to each phase. I am also starting to sense the finer differences, and pick up on the little details. I understand that being born during a certain sign, one carries the characteristics of that time throughout his or her life. Those qualities are imprinted on her personality. However, we all get to experience each sign to a certain degree as we make our annual journey. Each sign has its strengths and weaknesses, and if we learn to capitalize on the strengths in each sign as we are going through them -- to work WITH what the current energies are contributing -- we can maximize our potential.
For example, if I am wanting to learn to snowboard, I probably would be better off waiting until we get to Colorado instead of attempting to do it in California. Sure, it will be POSSIBLE in California, but so much harder -- there will be less resources, opportunity, and convenience. So, while I'm in California, why not learn how to surf? So, in short -- what ARE the energies of the current sun sign, and how can I use them to my advantage, to grow and evolve as a person?
See, this is what happens when I decide on my topic at the beginning of the entry. I end up going in a completely different direction, and then my title and picture don't make sense. Well anyway a lot has happened and I have a lot to say. I may need to write multiple entries.
On a mundane note, HOLY SNOW. We got slammed with ridiculous amounts of snow. I was trying to drive home last night, gripping the steering wheel, trying to relax. I knew everything would be okay, and I know I'll get through this winter. I just wasn't ready for this yet. I did a phone interview with Farmers, which is very close to where I live. I sincerely hope I get it, because the drive is so much shorter. The highway gets insane in the winter, and it doesn't help that every time a semi truck passes by, I get dusted with all the snow and can't see jack. But it builds character! Right!!!
I am entering into psychic disturbance time. Like, in a good way. I always forget about how the coma sleep mystical vision psychic amplification thing DOES happen, even when I'm not on meds. It's not mania, it's not depression. It would seem like depression, because I am more sleepy. But it isn't a lethargy or listlessness. It is a sudden, irresistible blast of YOU MUST SLEEP NOW. A hypnotic spell that comes over me and steals me away to the astral plane. I am powerless to fight it. So, I am swiftly taken under, instantly dream -- vividly -- and just as quickly snap back out of it. It isn't sleep as I know it. It is a mystical experience. So in that way, you would think it's mania -- because I hear the voices and have the vivid dreams more often when I'm manic. Yet, mania doesn't come with irresistible urges to instantly lose consciousness either.
Is it even PART of my psychological illness? Is ANYTHING? Is it possible that I am MEANT to be this way, and maybe that anyone with a mental disease is meant to have it, but whether it manifests as positive or negative completely depends on the way we utilize the energy we've been given? Food for thought. I am the same person I was when I was "crazy", yet I'm not crazy anymore. I have the same interplay of the same energies happening as I did when I was 22 and on a scary path to self-annihilation. Difference? The way I use them.
These are powerful energies I'm working with. I can either spectacularly fail, or spectacularly soar. It's like I'm driving a super fast car -- if I know how to drive it, this could be exhilarating. If I am careless about it, it could be catastrophic. It's the same car. The car isn't "bad" because it's fast and I could use it to destroy myself. It isn't "good" because it can get me someplace in half the time and I can use it to give my friends rides to work. It's just a car. Woah. I love espresso.
I know that seemed random, but when I woke up and saw all the snow, I decided I was going to need extra caffeine to keep me afloat. So I made a pot of coffee AND espresso and had a cup of coffee with like 4 shots. Haha now you understand this rambling path we are on today.
So anyway, I had visions this morning. (Before the espresso!) Vivid, realistic, NOT dream. My palms were BURNING. I heard people talking in my head. I hate to say that because I know how crazy it sounds, but it isn't like that. It's like I'm extra tuned in to this other dimension and I can hear things that are always there but I can't usually perceive. My sensitivity is just super heightened today. I remember this all happened right after my reiki attunements. Also, over the past few days, I have had to pee a lot -- which also happened right after my attunements. I am not a person who pees very much, so I notice when I do. It went on for a couple days earlier in the week. There are definitely some big things happening. I am going to have to write another entry though, for sure, because I haven't even touched on THAT. So, I'm going to change this topic and picture.
That picture doesn't actually have anything to do with my topic, but I thought it was beautiful. I also think it would make a bad-ass tattoo! In fact, it is decided. I'm putting it on my body. :)
Soooooooooo, this weekend was pretty much awesome, despite the fact that there was "trouble in paradise" and also that I got a flat tire and am currently driving on a donut tire. I feel like I've finally been able to chip away at some of these walls I've built. I'm disabling these programs I've been running ever since forever -- and after all, when have they ever worked for me? How appropriate it is that we are approaching a full moon -- the time for releasing that which no longer serves you.
You don't know what happened and it's going to be confusing if I just jump around from topic to topic, so I'll try to write like normal people do in order from beginning to end. First, Friday night. Joth came and we went to Brian and Danielle's Halloween party. He dressed as a "vampirate", and he looked sooooooo good. I dressed as a belly dancer. I was so happy. I felt like WE were so happy. Nothing at all went wrong all night -- we had some very strong rum, we laughed, we kissed, we talked, we danced. Everything up until the time we fell asleep was perfect, just as if it had been taken out of a book. I thought, finally. Life is so good.
Sometimes, excessive drinking can trigger depression. I don't get full-blown depression anymore, thank goddess, but I do hit lows. I hadn't done yoga in a week, either, and I usually rely on that to help keep me balanced. I realize, though, that I'm blaming everything else and I need to act like a grown-up and just admit that I acted like a fucking child.
Here's the thing, though -- read back through this blog. Notice all the entries in which I blamed myself for everything that was going wrong in past relationships. See how I accepted responsibility for all of the issues that, in retrospect, had nothing to do with me. Read how many excuses I made for my partner, how many times I minimized what he did. Of course, blame is a strange concept anyway, something I feel differently about than I once did. I believe in causality, and that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, and that things are rarely ever so black-and-white as to be able to clearly label one party "guilty" and one party "innocent".
Anyway, so I freaked out on Saturday. In a lot of weird ways, I'm not a jealous person. I have shared partners before and never felt the slightest twinge. I have spent the past year fortifying my self-worth and vanquishing my insecurity. I really felt that I was ready for the next level in relationships, to move on past the ego-based power plays into the balanced land of harmonious conscious partnership.
I mean, that's what I wanted. That's what I intended. That's what I manifested. But, you can't run the same old programs on the new and improved computer. It just doesn't work. It's like I'm trying to run this Dr. Mario cartridge on a brand new PS4. (I think that's the newest video game system, no?)
It's great that I got this new, state of the art model with amazing graphics and unbelievable memory. It's everything I wanted. It fulfills every video-gaming need I could have. Why would I NOT realize that the programs need to be updated in order to be compatible with it? Of COURSE they do. I can't take the same approach to this relationship as I have with my previous relationships and expect success. Why would I want that, anyway? So, I learned a little lesson on ownership vs. partnership.
At first, I bristled at the reference. How DARE you suggest that I could be possessive? That's not my role! It was such an insult to feel like I was being compared to THEM -- those who had tried to own and possess me before. How did I get lumped in with my perpetrators??? I'm like YOU, not like THEM! I have been controlled, not controlling. Possessed, not possessive. I became so angry and frustrated because I felt misunderstood. I felt like I appeared to him as they had appeared to me. It was never my intention! I just got insecure and freaked out.
When I tried to explain my point, about wanting to feel security, feeling threatened, fear of abandonment -- he explained that you can not lose something that does not belong to you. Wanting that guarantee of forever after is wanting to put your partner in a cage. It's loving a bird and admiring its beauty, but clipping its wings. I felt ashamed. That's not who I want to be -- I know how it feels. I don't want someone to be with me because they feel stuck, I've been there. I don't want to tie someone down.
But, I'm also very quick to run, BECAUSE of that. Because I would rather be alone than with someone who does not want to be with me. And the only way that I can be assured that someone DOES want to be with me is by using fucked up methods to elicit reassurance. Of course, these methods often push people away. Or, they include running away just to see if my partner chases me. If they do, I believe they want me. If they don't, I believe they never did. But, I did a tarot reading tonight with some pretty powerful imagery at the end. It spoke to the situation as clearly as could be.
The outcome was the Princess of Cups, facing to the left of the card holding her emotional cup. To the right of that card was the Prince of Staves, facing also to the left of the card -- as if she was in front, he was behind her, and they were both facing the same direction. As if he were chasing her. Especially as Staves are fire. Me, purposely walking away, putting him in a position where I need him to pursue me in order to convince me that he does want me.
But the advice card, to the right of THOSE (I'll have to take a picture) was the Two of Cups -- same girl, same boy, but now facing each other, holding the same cup TOGETHER. This is my advice. Stop trying to make him chase you. Be an equal partner. Turn around and hold this cup together and be a TEAM. The game I'm playing right now puts us on opposing sides, and that's not what emotionally healthy people do. It's time to stop.
Really quick, because I know I've been talking forever -- but good things! Sister circle book club, full moon gathering, AND bellydancing coming up. I am one happy lady. I am excited to DO some stuff!
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