I know I'm not going to be able to do this entry any justice because my energy is low and I'm not feeling as focused as I'd like to be. It's getting colder, and I think I am hitting a low. I'm not unhappy, though. Yesterday was rough, but we got through it. I've been analyzing myself all day, and as unfortunate as the misunderstanding was yesterday, it helped bring to light some things that needed my attention.
Remember how I said that before I jump into anything, I dissect and question it? As if that were a virtue? Looking back at my life, though, where has that ever benefited me? How has that ever worked out to my advantage? Sure, the things I DID attempt may have been successful after being relentlessly scrutinized by me -- but what about the risks I never took? I have only ever been unafraid to take risks that would hurt me.
Why is that? When I think about marketing reiki or tarot, writing a book, publishing poetry, or doing this hypnotherapy thing -- why THEN do I feel the need to make sure it's 100% safe, fail-proof, and reliable? Why in the past have I not applied this strategy to dating, for example? Why have I jumped into every potentially dangerous risky situation, but have suddenly found reserves of prudence and practicality when faced with a potentially successful situation?
What happened yesterday had nothing to do with Joth. I know I said that I felt like he was being insincere, because I really felt like to be so positive was unrealistic. But where has realistic ever gotten me? What have I ever accomplished from that mindset? And what's the worst that could happen if I just start doing what I might have done? Even if I fail, won't I be happy? Wouldn't I be happier failing at something I love than succeeding at something I hate? Fuck YES.
From now on, I LIVE. Ohhhhhh so I never talked about last weekend! Well, Fabio and I went to go see Joth do Rocky Horror. I was scared, sooooooo scared, and I hadn't hung out with Fabio in over a year (intentionally). His girlfriend just got a job at Charter and we started talking again. I had him come with me, as sort of a social buffer to alleviate my anxiety. The thing is, though, I knew that reconnecting with Fabio was a bad idea. I have been clean and sober 18 months. Whatever he does, I'm strong enough. He doesn't do what I used to do, so we're okay there. He can GET it, but I'm not tempted to ask. I'm good.
BUT. Today, RJ texted me from Fabio's phone. Oh my goddess, RJ. Don't even get me started, that's a whole other entry. Let's just say the last time I reconnected with RJ ended in me losing custody of my daughter. And, it was also in the fall...9 years ago. Nothing good could come of rekindling any kind of friendship between us. That's a road I left behind me.
And anyway, what the HELL is going on lately??? Ramiro's been asking for pictures, calling me sweetie, telling me he misses me. It means absolutely nothing. I feel absolutely nothing, because I'm so overwhelmed with the magnificence of the relationship I'm currently experiencing. Nothing else could touch this...it makes me laugh.
I promise I'm going to write more about twin flames. Really it's pretty mind-blowing. Not today, though. I couldn't do it justice.
Work is going pretty well, all of my numbers are great. I'm still hoping to hear back from Farmers, though. And also plan to invest myself in pursuing what really fulfills me. Big changes are coming! I'm going to put myself out there. Reiki, tarot, writing, and learning new things. Getting back to the Ayurveda thing I was studying. I need to make a list of goals, and steps to accomplishing them. Then I need to shut up with all my damn excuses and just START. I'm very excited for this. I've been waiting all my life to start my life :)
I definitely want to talk about the whole twin flame concept, especially as it relates to 11:11. For mood tracking purposes, though, I need to discuss my current state first.
I'm confused. I don't know what happened. Was I triggered? Is this a low? Is it an intuitive sensing of a disturbance? Something is wrong. Something is off. I can't put my finger on it, I don't know if it's outside of me or inside of me.
We'll backtrack to the weekend. I just spent three paragraphs describing my car troubles and I decided to condense it, or I'll never get to my original point. Long story short, I ran out of gas and my oil light started coming on which apparently could mean my engine is going to die, and on the way back from Lansing Fabio told me that my tire was making a sound which meant it was about to fall off. I ran over a couple of curbs over the past few weeks, and I noticed a wobble/shake, but I didn't realize it was that serious.
So of course, I'm stressed out over the car situation. I haven't planned adequately financially for this, and as much overtime as I've been working, I feel like I'm never getting caught up. It's giving me anxiety. I'm one catastrophe away from financial ruin. It's hanging over my head. Is that what has killed my idealism? I have BECOME that nagging voice in my head. Be reasonable, be logical. Be responsible. I don't have the luxury of gambling my stability away right now, I just don't.
Yes, I hate my job. But my entire life is like a stack of blocks, balanced precariously on my job, which in turn is perched upon my car. If the car goes, the whole thing topples. If the job goes, again, devastation. I can't afford that right now. I want to be moving toward greater financial independence, and hopes and dreams don't pay the bills. I really hate the way I sound right now. I really hate the part of me that feels this way, so hopeless, so resigned, so defeated. And here I start crying again and I think I've realized the source of my angst. I feel like I have no choice. I feel forced into this role which I despise. I feel like I can't afford to take risks, but maybe that's just a story I tell myself? What if I could? But what if I CAN'T? And what if I never try??????
This probably makes absolutely no sense. This is just me, working through my thoughts and feelings. Anyway, so I was texting with Joth earlier and I honestly don't know what happened. I have always felt like, no matter what I say, he GETS exactly what I'm saying. He picks up on the unspoken parts, he can finish my thought. It's so amazing and eerie. It doesn't matter which words I choose, even if I say the opposite of what I mean. He always gets what I mean. I feel like the words are just a formality with him, because it's like our brains are connected -- I say something, and the understanding is transmitted through some link to his brain. But today.
We were having a conversation, and I don't know what set me off. It was about hypnotherapy, which sounds so interesting, but the logical side of me wants the facts and research. Is it worth pursuing. Because if I go after something, I give it everything I have. So before I do that, I take a very analytical approach in order to determine whether my time will be well invested. I was asking questions, and at first it was a normal conversation. But to be honest, and I hesitate to say this because I know he reads my blog sometimes, but I have to. To be honest, his genuineness seemed to fade at some point. (I think "genuinity" sounds better, but apparently that is not a word. So, genuineness it is...mmm, reminds me of Guinness...)
All of a sudden, I didn't feel like he was responding as "himself". It's how he would feel if I started "customer service-ing" him -- "That must have been so frustrating for you. I apologize for your inconvenience. Thank you for your patience". It sounds insincere, right? Well, I felt like I was talking to a salesman all of a sudden. I was listening to some sales pitch, which was not what I wanted. It felt like he was insulting my intelligence. I was asking real questions, and he was giving me these fluff answers.
I started to get angry. I would re-state or re-ask, but more sales pitch. Not only that, but where before he has always understood exactly what I meant, he kept misunderstanding everything I said. I got so frustrated! I started to feel anger welling up inside me, and sadness. Like whatever link had connected us before was broken, the lines were down, out of service. That happens all the time with my mom, and with other people. I guess, though, I never expected it with him.
I'm not sure how it made me feel. I'm not even sure the cause of it -- was it what he said? Was it my inner fears? Without even knowing WHY I'm upset, what do I say? If I want to blame him, I can find ten reasons I could tell him why it's his fault. If I want to blame myself, I could come up with ten explanations as to why it's my fault. Maybe it's nobody's fault, and that's entirely possible -- but WHY do I feel this way? WHY am I upset? How can I NOT EVEN KNOW?????
Honestly, it's not a big deal. I love everything about him and this is just something I need to work through. Of COURSE, I never got to the whole twin flame/11:11 thing I really wanted to talk about. It's actually pretty cool. I used to be totally skeptical of the whole "twin flame" idea -- I thought it was just couples who were trying to one-up other couples on how in LOVE they were. "We're in love". "Oh yeah? Well WE'RE soulmates!" "Oh YEAH? Well WE'RE TWIN FLAMES!!!" It just honestly seemed like some ridiculous made up thing.
There are many things that I don't accept or agree with until I experience them for myself, and this is one of them. It is so eye-opening, to feel something on this level. It seems like it could only be a once in a UNIVERSE kind of thing, it seems so unlikely that the odds of it ever having happened before or ever happening again are dismal. But not so. I was Googling "11:11" because I've been seeing it ALLLLLLLL the time, like, RIDICULOUSLY a lot. And I was amazed to see what I saw about how seeing it relates to the whole twin flame thing. Then I read up more on the twin flame thing, and I though, woah. So this HAS happened before. This DOES happen to other people. This is just a world that was never accessible or imaginable to me before, so I wrote it off as wishful fancy from delusional minds. Not so. It is real. I'll write more about it next time. :)
I have been very good about yoga this week. Partly because if I don't do it, now there is someone who will KNOW, and I would rather just suck it up and get it done than admit that I was a failure in completing the task. It's not so much failure I dislike, the acknowledgement of OTHERS of my failure. But this, not wanting to disappoint is actually working in my favor. (Even though, honestly, who would really think less of me for skipping a day? Especially him. Come on now.)
But today is a new moon. Now, this is important for a couple of reasons, but in the interest of me trying to keep similar thoughts together, I will stick with the yoga part for now. Okay, so when I started practicing Ashtanga yoga, I was all excited about the rules. I wanted to follow them all, even though I didn't understand WHY. No inversions on your period. Yoga before dawn. In bed by ten. Take Saturdays and Moon Days (new and full moons) off. On the mat, six days a week.
I was pretty damn proud of myself for being so disciplined. For following all these rules. I was getting up at 5 am to do yoga. I was in bed by ten every night. I did not drink. I did not smoke. I thought that made me something. I thought it made me worthy. Of, what? I thought I earned something, by sacrificing. I thought I had redeemed myself from all of my other errors and all of my other flaws because this, at least THIS, I could do correctly. And consistently. No matter what else I fucked up. I might be a bad mom, a horrible employee, and a lazy housekeeper. But damn it, I could YOGA.
Except...why? One day, to my shock and horror, I realized that in yoga I had become exactly what I despised in religion. Who follows rules without question? Who obeys a command blindly, just because it's written in some book, without having any idea as to WHY? Who performs actions they were told to perform without being able to explain their purpose? Maybe they do have a purpose. And maybe that purpose makes a lot of sense. But if I don't understand WHY it's bad to do inversions on my period, if I'm just doing it because guru somebody said so, what the hell? BAAAAAA. I'm still a sheep -- just in yoga pants!!!!
If we just blindly accept rules and guidelines, following them without question or understanding, it all just becomes so much dogma. It's the same problem I ran away from. No pork on Fridays, no sex before marriage, no women voting in the church, no dancing, no saying, "Oh my God"...why, why, why? When questions begin getting answered with flimsy responses like, "That's just the way we've always done it" or, "That's just the way it is", you realize that even the person who TOLD you to do these things doesn't know why THEY are doing them either! Someone told them to, so they did. And they tell you do, so you do.
What are you going to say one day, when you tell your child to, and they ask you WHY? Can you be brave enough to say, you know what, I have no idea why we do things this way. Just like when Jewel asked why girls can't walk around in the summer with their shirts off. I was honest with her. I tell the kids all the time that sometimes the law is wrong, and sometimes people in authority make mistakes. I asked my son if he thought it was wrong for a black person to marry a white person, and he said no. I told him that at one time it was illegal. Was it wrong then? No. WE were. And so, of course, there will be rules and customs and laws that are wrong, even now. "Because I said so" is never an acceptable answer.
Not even in yoga. So today, when I decided whether I would keep my commitment to get on the mat every day until Halloween or honor the Ashtanga rules, I decided to do some research. I decided to find out WHY we take moon days off, and to see if it was something I agreed with. As far as the explanation for why we don't do inversions on our period, it wasn't convincing enough for me. So I still do. I don't believe that bleeding has an impact on the flow of your prana. It's just the flow of your blood. The rest of your body is still working the exact same way it was before. And you will not suddenly reverse the flow of your period and start bleeding backwards. Now, if I see a convincing case to suggest I should STOP, I will take that into consideration and possibly change my point of view.
The explanation I read, though, made sense. It resonated, because yesterday I had such a hard time motivating myself. I was dragging ass. So, reading this description, I understood. It was from Ashtanga Yoga Center Moon Days. It said "the new moon energy corresponds to the end of exhalation when the force of apana is the greatest. Apana is a contracting downward moving force that makes us feel calm and grounded, but dense and disinclined toward physical exertion." Their full moon explanation also made sense, so I decided to go with it.
Okay, and today being the new moon is also super cool because it has been one complete moon cycle since I first met Joth in person. I can't believe it's only been a month! It feels like a lot longer, but at the same time, it has flown. I'm so incredibly happy.
I'm also super excited for Halloween! This is the first time I actually am dating someone I'm PROUD to bring around my friends. They are going to think he is so awesome. My family...when the time comes, not getting ahead of myself...would LOVE him. He's so funny. I remember in the sister circle, being envious of the other girls. Danielle's husband and Maria's husband are in the same band, Shawna's husband is in a different band, Mikki's fiance gave her a LABRADORITE engagement ring...and he's in the Shamanic Journey group WITH her. I always thought it was too much to hope for, a guy like that. An intellectual, considerate, musical or otherwise creatively inclined guy. A guy who was into weird metaphysical things and vibrated at my frequency.
I thought for a long time about Mikki and Logan -- he spins poi, she hoops. They journey together. They are SO compatible. As long as I believed that type of connection was outside of my reach, it was. But as soon as I decided to wait until I FOUND it, and settle for nothing less in the meantime, it happened. So this is all very magical. Well, I had a lot more to say, as usual...but this will have to be the end. Au revoir!!
Okay, so you know it's almost a new moon WHEN...
Hahaha. For me, new moons always come with increased synchronicity. The super amplified, can't write it off as a coincidence kind. It's fun to pay attention to patterns and to make these connections...more pieces adding to the puzzle. What will it BE?? I don't KNOWWWWWW! Ooooh, look, another piece!!
Anyway, so before a full moon, I get crazy dreams. Vivid, powerful, symbolic dreams. Not always lucid, but very realistic and deep. I have known that for a while. What I only just started noticing in the past year was that before a full moon, I notice more synchronicity. Example.
I was at work today, daydreaming as usual. I was thinking back to this conversation last night about our country's weird views on sexuality. I started thinking about hickeys, and why the hell they are inappropriate? It's not like it's a private body part showing. In fact, on any other part of your body, it's simply a bruise. And magically, not obscene. Yet somehow, if that bruise is on your NECK...scandal. And WHY? Because of how it got there. Why???? Because it's evidence that we had sex. And that, somehow, is something to be ashamed of....???? I still don't get it. Can any adult with a brain provide a reasonable explanation? I don't think so. So why don't we get with the program already?
Anyway, as I was pondering this in my mind, a call beeped in. Sometimes, that sound in my ear is really an inconvenience...it means I actually have to do my job. Hahaha. Anyway, the customer's information popped up on my screen. I was in shock. I was amazed. I am SO NOT LYING. Her name was MARGARET HICKEY. I swear on my children IT REALLY HAPPENED. Whaaaaaaaaat?????!!
You know how I look for the lessons in all of my experiences? Well, I think I discovered one of the lessons I'm learning right now. It's sooooooo tough. Relationships are really just a more intense training ground for our personal (and therefore, collective) evolution. Everything is amplified -- the potential for pain (and yet, for growth), the opportunities for learning, the expansion of mind and heart. They always help us, even if it's just by being a mirror to reflect the ugly things about ourselves that need our attention. In the current case, by the way, it's exactly the opposite.
It doesn't escape my attention that, as much alike as we are, so many things I admire about him are also things I should admire about myself. I am discovering my own self worth by recognizing the same in him. If HE'S amazing because of x,y, and z...and I ALSO have x,y, and z...what excuse do I have to not appreciate myself too? I had so much lingering insecurity, even after two years. I made a good bit of progress in cultivating the self-love which was foreign to me, but there was a doubting part still inside me. And I'm not going to lie, I can hear it whisper sometimes still. "He's going to get bored with you." "You're not good enough." "You don't deserve this."
Of course, I always tell it to shut up. That's just me. But sometimes I hear Noe's voice telling me no one would want a girl who had three kids by three different guys, or Andrew's voice saying the only thing I'm good for is a piece of ass. Or Noe, saying I'm not a real woman like his wife, and all anyone would ever want from me is a fun time. I'm a very sexual person, but I've waited because I worried so much that he would think the same -- and he's been totally okay with that! This is the first time ever that I've dated someone who didn't just go for it, which I'm so thankful for. Because to be honest, between you and I? I would have let it happen. But really that isn't what I wanted, because I wanted him to see me for who I really am first, and to be able to take comfort in knowing for sure that I'm not just a fun time to him. I didn't even have to tell him, it's like he sensed it. He hasn't pressured me at all.
So anyway but the lesson I'm working on which is so HAAAAAAARDDDDDDD is being able to receive gracefully. I'm not used to this. He tells me sweet things all the time -- sincere compliments, not just flattery. And he does such thoughtful things -- he sent me a little espresso maker, just having remembered a conversation we had. He sent me a coin scarf to go with my Halloween costume (which, strangely enough, I was planning to get...and he didn't even know it). So, you know, it's way totally sweet. And I'm so thankful for him. But why does it make me feel so weird? Why do I feel like that awkward, get the spotlight off me, uncomfortable feeling? Are there some deep-seated feelings of unworthiness I need to resolve? Is that what's going on with my sacral chakra? Whatever it is, I need to clear it OUT!
And the same thing applies to me going after my dreams. I tell myself what I'm passionate about and what I want to do, but when it comes to going for it...the dumb little voices. You're not good enough, you're wasting your time, be realistic, there are so many people better than you, you don't have the skills, etc. etc. Now, I REALLY want to step into a new phase of my life. But I get the same panicky feeling when I think of, say, charging for reiki. It's the same feeling I get when Joth tells me something nice about myself. This burning, uncomfortable, ugly emotion. Like shame. Like, I know what I really am. How dare I entertain thoughts of actually BEING somebody. After being conditioned to believe you're worthless, can you ever resurrect your self-esteem? Can you ever be self-assured again in your life? What do I need to do to make this happen???
I might have to change that picture. It will work for now, though. I'm doing yoga at 8 and I've been way too busy to blog for a while, so I decided to quickly check in here.
Exciting things happening! We are doing the sister sweat lodge again this year, ohhhhh yeah. Also, new moon circle on Thursday. I'm hoping to make it, but I signed up for a bunch of overtime again this week and I don't get out until 7. I might not feel up to it. Also, book club meeting coming up as well! It seems like everything gets put on hold for the summer, which is weird because that's the time you think you're going to have all this free time to see your friends, but it never happens. Then things settle down, the kids go back to school, and you get back into a social routine.
Big news for Jewel, too. She got her period today. I feel really old! She's just eleven!! I knew it was coming, though. She said she had gas cramps on Sunday, but I had a feeling. So I went and got her some pads and sent them home with Brian. Thankfully, he put one in her backpack and she apparently handled it well when it happened at school today. I was really worried about how she'd deal with it, but I had a lot of frank, informative conversations with her.
I try to be very matter-of-fact with the kids when it comes to body things and sex. I don't want them to feel like there's anything shameful about any of it. And I'm always honest with them when they ask -- in my world, storks do not bring babies and we do not call our penis a "wee-wee". Well of course, I don't have a penis, but you know.
Work is going okay, I'm happy to be earning a lot of extra money but I'm still feeling restless. I applied for 5 jobs at Farmers, which is much closer and would be a much less harrowing drive than the drive to and from Walker I endured last year. I cringe when I think about that. But, whatever happens, I'll make it work and I'll make it awesome. I am, however, setting my sights on something more. Something fulfilling. Something in line with my passion and my purpose.
I spent a lot of time doubting myself and questioning my self-worth. I want to pursue that which sets my soul on fire. I want to chase the dreams which ignite my heart. What is stopping me? What has ever been stopping me? I have so many excuses. Doubts. Reasons. Fears. Imaginary make-believe obstacles. Ganesh has been coming up a lot in a synchronistic way, so I feel like this is something I should pay attention to. A clue. At the very least, I could chant to Ganesh before bed for a while and see if it helps...everything I dream of is on the other side of the big scary pond called fear. What better way to cross that puddle than on the back of an elephant?
The amazing thing I want to do with my life is make the lives of other people amazing, and I think I'm putting the picture together piece by piece of what exactly that looks like. I was telling Joth earlier that it's like I'm putting together a puzzle. I'm not sure yet how each of the pieces relate to each other, or what it will look like when it's all connected. It's kind of exciting though to just follow this path and see where it takes me. Life is such an adventure. I'm so happy to be alive. :D
I had to leave work early to pick Tristan up from school just over a week ago because he was burning with fever. Silly me, thinking my herbs and smoothies and yoga and magic have me all INVINCIBLE and shit, I let the kid kiss me and snuggled with him all the next day pretty much. Then yesterday, somewhat suddenly, the sickness descended on me with all its furious misery.
Yeah, that's what I said. Does it make sense? NO. But how sick and tired do you think I get of reading the same combinations of words, strung together repeatedly in different combinations throughout the ages? Even sick and tired. Things like "riotous mass of curls". How many authors in how many books have used that same phrase how many times? Why not a writhing snakebed of ringlets? Let's change things up a bit here!
So, I just totally took a detour and was reading call center memes. I lost my motivation a little.
Okay, I lost it a LOT. I suddenly got super tired and went to bed. I've been sick for the past couple days. Tristan had what I think was bronchitis, and I had to pick him up from school because he had a fever of 102.9. I totally kissed and snuggled the little guy, thinking I was invincible with my yoga and magical green smoothies. Nooooooope. Still human. I think I would have recovered more quickly if I hadn't been working 12 hour days...even though I DID have Tuesday off, but I wasn't able to sleep in on Tuesday because of the full moon. I know I really need rest today, but. Can't sleep. Damn that moon.
My period is going to be here annnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy dayyyyy. Now that I've actually been able to pay attention to my cycle, I've realized that all these years of pregnancy scares were probably never anything to worry about. Every other month, my period is naturally late. I would say that I have a long cycle, but on alternating months it's "on time", whatever on time is supposed to be anyway. So last month, I had been bleeding for a few days by the time the full moon came. This month, the full moon came Tuesday and I'm still waiting. I'm not worried, I've been up to 2 weeks late before. Besides, I'm very bitchy and my face is breaking out, so I know it's coming. Not like I could be pregnant anyway.
Haha. My brain makes me laugh sometimes. I was just blogging at like 9:30 last night, it's less than 12 hours later. I came back here to finish this entry and pretty much repeated the exact first paragraph again. I was going to go up and delete it, but I decided to leave it just for giggles. I'm sure other people don't find it amusing when I absolutely can not recall what I have already told them, and I probably tell the same stories over and over like an alcoholic who has regaled you 782 times about that one time he got pulled over and he told the cop to fuck off, yet to be polite you still force yourself to laugh every single time like you never heard that story before. Do people do that to me? Probably. Well anyway, this is why it would be a very bad idea for me to lie. :)
Isn't it weird that every time I'm dating someone, I immediately come here and tell every single detail, every thought, every feeling. I devote entire entries to nonsense relationship rambling. And this time, what have you heard? It's weird to me, because I'm so beyond amazed, awestruck. But I have nothing to say? I just feel like it's....special. What I'm experiencing right now feels like it deserves some level of respect, and it almost seems degrading to prance it all out there naked in front of everyone.
I will admit also that there is a certain element of being afraid to move in fear of disturbing it. It's as if a butterfly has landed on my hand, and now all of a sudden I don't dare breathe. Or blink. Or move at all, because it might fly away.
To love is not to seek to possess, and I know this. I don't want to possess it. But I don't want it to go away. Does that make sense? I guess it sounds like I'm getting attached, which is something I already know not to do. But not in a dependent way. My life is better. I want it to stay better. I'm very happy, is it wrong to want to stay happy? I know happiness can not be sought through external objects or people. At the same time, though, there's something about human interaction that we need. Aren't we as humans designed to love, and to share, and to mirror, and to rejoice in on another? To celebrate the divine spark through loving each of its manifestations?
My sense of reality has been shaken. Sometimes I feel like I'm making this up. With Shyloh, a lot of times we will say the same thing at the same time, which is cool. She's definitely from my soul tribe. But this is on a whole other level. Everything he says, it seems as if it's been plucked right from my own brain. Everything I love, he's passionate about as well. We can talk for hours and I'll walk away from the conversation with an expanded perspective. If I had known that this was possible my entire life, how would that have changed me? Then again, I wouldn't have bothered to endure the circumstances I did and wouldn't have become the person I am. It's a conundrum.
He has such a brilliant mind, and a warm heart, and he is so funny! In that aspect, he reminds me of my dad. (Don't be gross, you know what I mean) He's intuitive and spiritual. Honest and kind. He's a good kisser, he's got this powerful energy, and he's HOT. I could honestly go on but I'm not in 5th grade and I know you don't want to hear it. But I really feel like....like when you've been trying to shove this key in all these different locks all your life. Sometimes it'll go in, but it won't turn. Sometimes it just won't go in at all. Sometimes if you turn it sideways and turn the knob to the left while you jiggle the key, it'll open. This must be what the key feels like when it just. Goes in. The lock. And the door opens. No struggle. Which your brain can not compute, because up to this point it has been your understanding and experience that it always IS a struggle. And THIS is a paradigm shift.
I know it might seem soon to be making these grand declarations, and make no mistake -- it IS early and I'm not naive. But you always get that feeling, a sense very early on (which I often ignore) about what the connection is like between you. While a good connection is no guarantee of a successful relationship, I do believe it's an essential first step. All is good so far. Really, really, REALLY good. :) I'm so thankful!
I really need to start putting pictures on my blog posts again, but I still haven't thought of a theme. Maybe I'll include thought-provoking memes from Facebook. I quote them often enough!
Okay, actually I decided I'll use affirmations. Really, affirmations changed my life. I feel like it's thrown out so freely that people really underestimate the importance of positive thinking. It seems so simple that no one takes it seriously. It's dismissed as a fluffy new-age concept, a naive and childlike over-simplistic idea. Even when people come to you and tell you simply, change your thoughts and your whole life could change, still we don't believe it could be that easy. We assume they have something else that we lack, that they got where THEY are due to luck, money in the family, good connections, something. Something that we believe we don't have.
Self-love is not just a nice thing to do, if we have time in our hectic schedule that we have crammed with more important things. It's not a luxury, saved only for if and when we have loved everyone else and accomplished everything else "more important". It is the sacred work. It is at the root of all success. There is no point in taking on any other single thing on this planet if it is not rooted firmly in the strong nourishing soil of self-love. If critical thoughts and negativity are poison, affirmations are sunshine and self-care is water. From that, we can grow the mightiest oaks. The loftiest dreams can be accomplished, but never from a place of doubt and self-loathing.
I can scarcely believe the miracles I have seen happen in my own life over the past year. It just keeps getting bigger, more significant, more amazing. And you, dear diary, have been here through the whole thing to witness the entire transformation from victimization to victory. I mean, here is an excerpt from October 11, 2012 -- just two years ago. Compare that to NOW, and I have a lot to be thankful for!
In relationship news...*sigh*. I have been diligently plodding along, exhausting every option available to me which may be able to help me get out. Homeless Assessment Program (HAP) said they'd try to place me in a shelter, but every morning that I call the girl in charge of that, she calls me back advising me that the shelter is full. YWCA is full. Safe Haven informed me that they have a waiting list, and when I DO make it off the waiting list, I can only stay for a week or two. That isn't long enough for me to save up the money I need to move. They referred me back to HAP. :) My social worker suggested I apply for SER through DHS (State Emergency Relief, Department of Human Services) so I called my caseworker to inquire about that and have not heard back. Apparently, they can assist you with the first month's rent and deposit if you find affordable housing. I also contacted a shelter in Allegan via email, but I have not heard back. Allegan is a long drive from here, though. I don't really know what else to do now.
Despite the pregnancy, this hopeless feeling of being trapped is wearing me thin. I have felt suicidal at times, at other times just hopeless and numb. I don't feel like doing anything, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to give up, but I know I can't. The thing is, if I stay, how can I have my kids? I am trying to put them first, but it's too cold to live in my car and I have nowhere else to go.
This is why I keep this blog. This is why I write here. Because when I get discouraged, no matter how bad it gets now, I can always be thankful for how far I have come. I can always be glad that I have a home. That I am not being hurt, criticized, abused, cheated on, lied to. That I can be comfortable with my children here. That they feel safe. Not only that, but new blessings just keep flowing in every day.
Life is as magical as we allow it to be. We are as happy as we give ourselves permission to be. I know that sounds stupid, but hear me out. Because logically, I agree. Why WOULDN'T we give ourselves permission to be happy? If we could all choose, wouldn't we ALL choose supreme bliss, all the time? Yet we don't have it. So that must not be correct. It IS, though. We have these subconscious blocks, this subtle programming, things we don't even notice. We get in our own way far more often that we can even be cognizant of. We have to just stop these patterns in their tracks every single time we notice. In order to notice, we must become hyper-aware. Monitor our thoughts. Analyze our dreams. Explain our reactions. Sit with our feelings. Seek to understand ourselves.
I think I'm a pretty positive person, but I was at work last night and I had been there for 12 hours. I was thinking in my head, "What a genius idea it was to sign up for OT today". Like in a grumbly voice. Then I thought, wait. No one can hear me. Strangely, in life we are sometimes socially expected to complain. But this conditioning pervades us, into our own thoughts. Even when no one can hear, even when we are alone, we say these things to ourselves. When I hear myself talking like that, I immediately correct myself. We can't always filter the bad thoughts from coming in, but when we hear one, we can rephrase it. I said, "I am so thankful for this opportunity to get three extra hours of pay at time and a half. I am so grateful for the abundance in my life". Also, I was tired, but for a very good reason. So instead of, "Oh, I'm so tired, I just wish I could be at home sleeping" I said, "I am so thankful that I had such a wonderful person to talk to, and that we had so much to say that we didn't want to sleep." Bam. I could go on and on, because I haven't even discussed the weekend yet, but I'll save that for tomorrow. Dang! I also wanted to talk about my dreams! Well, you know. The best laid plans of mice and men...
You know how they teach you that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment? I think we all realize that this is the case as it pertains to our children, and strive to parent them that way. It's easier said than done, for sure -- sometimes we catch ourselves yelling, "DON'T pinch your sister, STOP leaving your Legos on the floor, you CAN'T leave the milk on the counter when you're done using it, NO coloring on the walls" etc.
Just like our own subconscious, our children don't register the can't, don't, stop, no. It's true that we get more of whatever we focus on, and we should (should...ha...I need a new word) replace these statements with, "Be nice to your sister, pick up your Legos, put the milk away when you're finished with it, please only color on paper". Sometimes the negative reinforcement comes out, as a habit. Sometimes we don't catch ourselves before we go into discipline mode automatically. Good parenting is a process and we are always improving, though, and as long as we continually strive to do better, we will.
In the same vein, it's a great idea to catch our kids doing something GOOD, so we can compliment them. Instead of only giving feedback when they mess up, it's helpful to also acknowledge when they are demonstrating desirable behavior. I try to do this as often as I can, but there's always room for growth.
This is not what I came to talk about, though. I wanted to compare this to how we talk to ourselves. In many ways, we are always parenting our inner child. So often in social situations, I get carried away and as I reflect upon the experience later, am mortified to realize how much I interrupted. How rude I must have seemed. What a bad listener I am. I will literally beat myself up for hours over a conversation that I completely failed at. This results in some anxiety the next time I enter a similar situation, with me psyching myself up before hand with a little pep talk. Okay, Christine. This time NO interrupting. I will NOT talk over anyone else. I will STOP thinking about what I'm going to say next and just LISTEN. Inevitably, though, I am dismayed to find that I follow the same exact patterns once again, making me feel hopeless and shitty and a poor excuse for a human being. I feel like I'm unfixable, it's impossible, I can never change.
It suddenly occurred to me that dwelling on my mistakes only increases them. It dawned on me that our inner child needs positive parenting in order for our efforts to be effective. I realized that yesterday, for once, I acknowledged a good choice I made in communicating and I allowed myself to feel good about it. That's the key, isn't it? Not being so wrapped up in what we're doing wrong, but noticing and celebrating when we do right. Maybe now I can change. Maybe now I won't feel the need to hide myself away from human interaction because I fear that I'm so horrible to talk to that people will hate me. I dare hope!
(By the way, that picture is my dear sweet princess Jewel) :)
Booooo. Ughhhhh Mercury is about to go retrograde. As a Gemini, with Mercury being my ruling planet, I always feel the need to brace myself for this. It's not going to suck, though. I mean, how can anything suck right now? Life...it's like a dream. It's freaking AWESOME.
So, you know I totally tried to stop writing in this blog, because I felt it was a pretty egocentric self-serving exercise in mental masturbation. The thing is, though, the words have to come out. I don't care if no one's listening. In fact, I have always journaled, and I have diaries upon diaries that no one has read. It's just that I type faster than I write, and I like to have it all in one place so I can scan back through the months and years to see how far I have come.
When I started it, I made it public because I already had this sense that I was setting out on an epic adventure. I didn't even know at the time that I would be leaving Noe, or that Sienna would be placed for adoption. I just knew that I needed to document what was happening starting before it even happened. otherwise I might convince myself later that I had imagined it all. I wanted to document the abuse, my reactions, my emotional state of mind. I made it public because I felt that if there was someone having a similar struggle, maybe by divine intervention they would find this blog, and take comfort in the knowledge that they were not alone. That they were not crazy. They were not broken.
The struggle is never portrayed realistically. When you end up going through a domestic situation, you are not prepared for the complexity of the emotions that complicate things. You do not expect to still love the person that hurt you. You never planned to suffer in their place. You never imagined that you would still have more regard for their well-being than your own. So when it happens, you feel like a failure. You feel ashamed. You feel inadequate -- just like he makes you feel. Your failure at even leaving a bad situation makes you wonder if he's right about you. You think that you don't have what it takes to leave, so you stay. You think you're not strong enough, because you feel like it would be easy if you were.
I wrote it so maybe someone in the same situation could know, even when it's the right thing to do, even though you ARE strong enough to do it, it hurts like hell and it's hard as fuck and THAT IS NORMAL. I think so far, the greatest realization I have ever come to is that I am not alone. No matter WHAT shameful thing I think, or feel, or do -- someone out there can relate. That has been immensely comforting. You can never image the things you've done that someone else understands, and no matter WHAT it is, you are NOT alone.
Okay well I got off topic (surprise). I was going to talk about life, and how amazing it is! Also my green smoothie but I don't remember what I was going to say about that. I made a peach-banana-kale-blueberry-hempseed oil-almond/coconut milk-turmeric-cinnamon-spirulina-ashwagandha-maca-chia seed smoothie. Hahaha. Too much stuff? Maybe. I get like that sometimes! Everything I have is so good for you, how can you leave any of it out? How can you decide which spice/supplement/fruit/oil is superior? How do you determine who makes the cut? I can't reject any of my glorious ingredients! So, into the blender they all go. :)
At 8, it's yoga time. Why haven't I come here and gushed like a schoolgirl about this guy??? I'm more excited about this than I have been about ANYONE in a very long time. Being that I can always appreciate whatever awesomeness anyone has, I usually do get pretty excited about whatever connection there may be. And there have been some good ones, no doubt. Also some bad ones, but you know...Anyway, this is different though. First, you have to decide what you want in life, and that's an important step. But next, you have to believe you actually deserve it. That is the hurdle that has always stumped me until now.
Ever since about age 14, I have been repeatedly finding myself in the same situation. I will have a choice between two partners -- one who is nice, and smart, who has his head on straight. Another who is not living his full potential -- possibly unemployed, on parole, on drugs, and who doesn't have the capacity to truly love me. Each time I have faced this situation, I chose the "bad boy". Now, I have a lot of theories as to why that is. One of them is that, because my dad is emotionally unavailable, that I choose similar men to try to replay the same situation with a different outcome. Trauma repetition, they call it. I know it's not like my dad abused me. And I know he's always done the best he can, and that he does love me. But I also know that I have a giant hole where our relationship should be. And shit, I'm crying, this was supposed to be a HAPPY entry.
Reset. Okay so anyway the bottom line is that it came down to me not feeling like I deserved a good guy. Me feeling like I wasn't good enough for someone good. Maybe not necessarily fear of rejection, although that's part of it. Why would someone with other options choose me? When you don't see your own value, you can't imagine that anyone else could either. The biggest key to this whole transformation was for me to realize that it was not only okay but IMPERATIVE to love myself. Then, everything began changing. And yes, "fake it til you make it" did seem inauthentic to me. It felt wrong to portray myself as someone I was not -- but you have to start somewhere, and you have to say "I love you" to the person in the mirror a few times before you actually believe it yourself. But eventually, you do.
So I put it out there, what I wanted. Then I found it and I almost took a step back, wait a second, I don't deserve this. Then I said to myself, yes I DO, and that's where I am now. Sooooooo super happy that I can't believe this is even real life. I had so much more to say about it but I went off on tangents. Next time, perhaps :)
