Tick tick tick tick....

BOOM!  That's what I feel like today.  I don't know what happened...I'm manic again, but it's a little bit more edgy.  Also it's one of those "whatever drops into my mind flies directly out of my mouth without passing through a filter" days, which made my job extraordinarily difficult.  These conversations were like walks through minefields.  Also, I'm not that gregarious, sweet, oozing bubbly love and honey manic.  I'm that ticking time bomb, say the wrong thing and I'll tell you where to go manic.  

Sometimes, I can artificially induce mania with stimulants.  These days, that's pretty much limited to caffeine.  So yesterday, I took two of these rapid energy something-or-other pills.  I used to take them a couple years ago, and just one would have my whole body tingling and my hair standing on end.  For some reason, though, one doesn't seem to do anything to me right now.  So, I took two and I just felt slightly more perky than normal.  I  think today, though, was the aftermath of that.  Arrrrrrgh.

It wasn't ALL bad, though.  I enjoyed my daydreaming quite immensely.  I feel uncomfortably sexual and I don't trust my inhibitions.  As a result, I feel like I'm coming across as colder than usually because I'm "overcorrecting".  You know what, I was so excited to blog.  I had SOOOOOOO much to say.  I think it was about synchronicity, and mental passion, Art Prize, I don't know what else.  But suddenly I'm just not feeling it.  It must be because the sun went down.  I'll try again tomorrow.  :)

Oil pulling

So, I'm doing this oil pulling thing.  Today is day 5 of the 30 day challenge.  It's really weird -- you put 1 or 2 teaspoons of coconut oil in your mouth and swish it for 20 minutes.  I tried watching a dharma talk while I did it the first day, but  the sound of the swishing was too loud inside my ears.  It's also hard to concentrate on reading while I'm doing it.  We'll see how I do trying to blog.  :)

Tristan is sick today and Blair and Rachel are in Detroit, so I stayed home with him.  He had a fever of 102.9 yesterday at his after school daycare so I had to leave early from work to pick him up.  I don't mind, I got lots of snuggles.  :)  He's watching Stuart Little right now.  After I'm done with the oil pulling, I'm going to clean this apartment.

Ohhhhh so I CRASHED.  I mean, I'm not depressed or low or anything right now.  But I came down off my manic high.  It was a GOOD one, too!  I was sparkly, exuberant, full of life and excitement.  I had the right thing to say at exactly the right time to my customers.  I was articulate, confident, unstoppable!  It was all positive.  No agitation, rage, anxiety, or restlessness.  Then, one day (yesterday) I got to work and it was just...gone.  I found myself fumbling for words, stuttering, ummmmm, ahhhhhh, trying to force the cheer which had come so naturally just the day before.  How do I STAY.  Just like THAT.  I wish I could know.

Like I said, though -- it's not like it's bad right now.  I just feel so dreadfully normal.  You would think I was a water sign.  I'm like the ocean, the tide...rushing, rushing, rushing anxiously to meet the shore...then running, running, retreating back into my depths.

And then there's this whole dating thing.  Ahhhhh I'm so confused!  Dating is HARD, even when the person is AMAZING.  I'm trying not to rush things, but I can't gauge the appropriate pace.  It's hard because I'm so excited.  But I don't want to mess anything up.  I have no sense for how I'm supposed to behave right now!  

Five more minutes.  My jaw hurts.  The last five minutes is the hardest, it's so hard not to swallow it!  Hahaha, that sounds dirty...;)

Okay, well that's done.  Time to clean!

Chakrasana

Haha.  Well, pride goeth before the fall, right?  This morning, I was doing yoga and since I had been so BENDY last time, I got a little cocky in wheel pose and I thought, "Hey, I bet I could grab my ANKLES".  Then I fell.  Whoops, I guess not.  Anyway it went well, my muscles were a little sore today from jumping back in two days ago after taking a week off.  I liked it, though.  I like feeling the pain in my muscles.  I like feeling like I DID something.

In savasana/reiki self healing (I have decided it's okay for me to combine the two), the floodgates burst open (as they are apt to do during yoga anyway).  I think you can tell when I'm manic because I use parentheses more.  Also, when I'm texting, I use more emoticons and put extra letters in words.  Like, heyyyyyyyyyy!  It's so hottttttttt outsidddddddddddddde.  Then when I'm low, you just don't hear from me at all.

But anyway, the Universe speaks, if only we pay attention.  There was the sermon at church about forgiveness with special focus on SELF forgiveness.  There was the conversation afterward with April and Amanda -- I told them my hands get burning hot whenever I work on my sacral chakra, like I'm touching a stove.  I couldn't figure out the issue.  Amanda said she had a similar experience and after a few months, came to discover that for her, it was shame.  Then on Facebook, of course, all of these posts have been popping up pertaining to forgiveness.  I thought I forgave myself.  The pastor at church said the way you can tell if you have forgiven someone is to pay attention to how you feel when you think of them.  What emotions arise?

I laid on my back.  At first, I was happy.  I was grateful for my body and all it does for me.  I recognized that I was pretty strong for staying away from drugs and temptation, and recognized that not so long ago, I wouldn't have been able to say no.  As soon as I knew someone could get it -- someone with a CRUSH on me, none the less -- I would have exploited that situation to the fullest extent.  I would have been back under.  I allowed myself this moment to be proud of myself -- but then my mind turned to when I COULDN'T (didn't) say no, and the things I did.  I became filled with shame.

I said, Christine, you've got to forgive myself.  And then, it was like the scared shamed little girl inside replied, afraid that if I forgive myself it means I'm not sorry.  I'm crying again as I type this.  I told myself (or the little girl self) that me holding on to this shame and self-loathing isn't helping anyone I hurt.  Holding a grudge against myself doesn't fix any of the bad things I did, and forgiving myself for what I did doesn't mean I'm not sorry.  I almost feel like I owe it to these people to continue beating myself up.  What right do I have to be happy, when I have caused so much pain?  But will MY pain lessen THEIRS?  No.  

I looked at me in every bad situation I've been in for the last ten years, found some compassion, forgave myself.  It was hard, harder than I thought it would be.  Especially because I thought I had already done it.  I knew that I was doing the best I could with what I had, but saying that made it feel like I was making excuses for myself.  That doesn't mean what I did was okay.  That doesn't mean I can do whatever I want and say, "Oh, I'm doing the best I can".  It DOES mean that I know I never wanted to hurt anyone.  That I do have a good heart and I do love the people in my life.  That whatever I did to them was completely about me and my inability to deal with pain, and nothing to do with them.  

Learning to deal with pain takes practice.  We're bound to get it wrong sometimes.  Sometimes we project, sometimes we blame, sometimes we escape, sometimes we deny.  The important thing is, when we know better,  to DO better and let the past go.

Duuuuuude.

Yeah, I still don't have a theme.  It's been over two years, I'm running out of ideas!!  I've done tarot cards, yoga poses, goddesses, candy, animals, crystals...I don't even know what else.  

But hey.  Slight problem.  I took great care two years ago to make sure nobody I knew could find this blog -- I used an alias, I didn't use identifying information, and made a new email address to associate with it.  Because, duh, I was making REALLY bad decisions and I didn't want it to be used as blackmail.

When I started working for Charter, I put the employer name on here.  I was beginning to loosen up, but I still didn't want people I know finding this.  Because, while it's public, it's still private.  You know?  I don't mind if complete strangers know all the details of my life that I don't even share with my mother.  I just don't want anyone who actually knows me in real life to see the raw, ugly, honest side of me.  I mean, I'm honest anyway.  But I'm quiet.  Not telling is not the same as lying (although my mother would call it a "lie of omission" -- but do I owe the world full disclosure????).  

Anyway, on my profile I was shocked to see under "people you may know" my ex-husband and an old classmate.  Uhhhh what?  How does it know that I may know them?  Is it telling THEM that they may know ME?  Das ist nicht sehr gut.

But I have a million things to talk about so let's frantically hop from subject to subject like a cracked out frog on a pond full of lily pads.  :D

So let's begin!  Yoga, last night.  Yeah, I know I said I was going to do it in the morning.  I feared that I wouldn't have enough time to shower and put on makeup before church, so I decided to wait until evening.  Speaking of church!  Wait, I'll talk about that next.  If I kept taking side trails, I'll never find my way back to the main path.

So, yoga.  I hadn't done it for a week, and sometimes when I take even a DAY off, I lose so much flexibility.  But last night, I was even MORE flexible than before I took my break.  I guess it's true that we should honor our body, it knows what we want.  My body needed rest, and I came back better than ever!  I was absolutely shocked to see how close I can get my hands to my feet in wheel.  It was awesome!  And I felt happy the whole time.  The only thing I dreaded was navasana, nothing new there.  But again, as usual, when I finally did it, it was no big deal.  All that anxiety for nothing, you'd think I would learn.

Church was great.  I feel really silly calling it church, because the image one's mind conjures up with that word most definitely does not correspond with the place I was.  We did our chakra balancing meditation and the pastor gave a great sermon about how forgiveness starts with ourselves.  Forgiveness is not condoning the behavior.  Forgiveness sets us free.  We've all heard all of this, but it was still a very positive message and I was happy to hear it.  Afterward, April and Amanda and I went to Amanda's house to do a reiki share but we ended up talking the whole time, just like we did last time.  It was fine, though.  Rarely do any of us get a chance to have discussions with like-minded individuals, and that was just what we needed.  <3 Reiki sisters <3

Ummmm okay what else was I going to talk about.  Ohhhh yeah.  Haha.  The wacko stuff.

Magic is REAL, y'all.  ;)  No, but seriously.  You know how they tell you with the Law of Attraction/The Secret to visualize what you want and focus on it, right?  Then Gregg Braden and others take it a step further and recommend that you sit in meditation with the experience of HAVING what you want.  Create the feeling as if you already have it.  Louise Hay has the affirmations, and we say them as if we already have whatever it is we seek (I have a reliable, enjoyable job.  My parents are understanding and kind.  My children love to clean their rooms.)  

So I made a list.  It was the August full moon, and I was still with Ramiro.  It was shortly after he had cancelled our weekly visit the day before it was supposed  to happen, and then proceeded to completely ignore me that night while I sat in the bath with candles and music.  Which was divine, of course it was.  But it gave me a lot of time to think, and to reflect on what I had vs. what I really wanted.  On the full moon, I decided that instead of wishing he were someone he would never be, I would wish for someone who was exactly what I needed.  Why focus our energy on trying to wish away what we don't want?  Why not put our energy toward manifesting what we DO want?

Dude.  I wrote a long list.  On top of what I DID write down, there were things inside my head that I silently added but didn't dare include as it might be pushing my luck.  I thought it would be asking too much, if I put down everything I wanted, and ultimately some of those things didn't really matter that much.  I said it as if I already had it:  My lover is creative, kind, and open-minded.  My lover listens to what I say and takes an interest in my ideas.  My lover is passionate about learning and exchanging ideas.  My lover enjoys the simple things, like reading, watching documentaries, and taking walks in nature.  My lover is a positive person.  My lover shares similar viewpoints and perspectives, but where there are differences, shows respect and acceptance.  My lover is honest and direct, with kindness.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

Long list, right?  That's not even half of it.  I was sitting there thinking, and wouldn't it be cool if he did YOGA?  I never added it, though, because...come on.  I'm having a hard enough time finding a guy who can hold a conversation.  Let's be be thankful if we can find THAT, right?

Well.  Oh my god.  My life took a completely surreal Twilight Zone turn for the unbelievable.  I'm trying not to get too excited but let's just say I'm talking to someone who is EVERYTHING on the list PLUS the stuff that was in my head that I didn't dare ADD to the list.  I just can't even believe this.  It really fucking happened.  It really did.  Now, for me to NOT screw it up!  ;)

Now what?

I feel like I need a different theme.  I mean, there are still plenty of goddesses.  But it's a new phase, so I should have a new theme.  I'll think about that.

Clearly, I am beginning another (hypo)manic episode.  The nice thing about being depressed is that I don't go quite as low anymore.  Maybe I don't get quite as high with the mania, but that's okay.  You hit a certain point and you start getting reckless, anyway.  Across that line is lost jobs, squandered paychecks, and relationships destroyed.  I'm okay right here on my mildly euphoric/slightly agitated island.  It sucks, though, because where was this energy when I needed it???  I was mildly depressed for the past week and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I had to get out of bed and go to work, which is a miracle in itself that it happened.  Now that I have a day off...oh, I've been up since six.  Raring to go.  Ready to blog.  

I'm excited for today, though.  After I finish blogging, I'm going to do yoga, then I'm going to take a shower and get pretty because at 10:30 is church (don't fall out of your chair, I'll explain in a minute) then a reiki share afterwards with some people from my reiki class.  My "soul family".  We may not get to choose the family we are born into, but I am definitely in the process of discovering my tribe.

So, this church.  It's the Spiritualist First Church of Truth.  I went two weeks ago.  Amanda, reiki sister, had told me about it so I went to check it out.  Oh. My. Goddess.  So, first, the pastor is a medium.  There are like six or seven other mediums in the congregation, which is small.  And a few healers.  They have two healing chairs at the front of the church.  Two healers (one of them was Amanda when I went) each stand behind a chair and during the service the members of the congregation take turns going up and getting reiki.

And the service?  Well, that begins with a guided chakra balancing meditation.  Ohhhhhh so cool!  Then at the end, everyone draws a number and each medium takes turns drawing corresponding numbers and giving readings.  So. So. Cool!  Anyway, so Amanda, Seth, April, and I are going today.  Then we are having a reiki share at Amanda's house.  I'm very excited because I really feel like I could use some reiki.  I do my self-healing every day, but you know how it is.

And actually, I lied.  I HAVEN'T been doing it every day.  In fact, this latest slump hit me pretty hard.  Normally, my routine is that I do yoga every day, and do my self-healing during savasana.  I don't know whether's it's okay to multi-purpose like that, but that's what I do.  I haven't been struck with lightning by the yoga gods or the reiki gods yet, so I presume it's not illegal.  

I haven't done yoga in a week.  Shhhhh!  I feel so gross!  The thing is, though, it almost makes me wonder who I am right now.  I identify so much with what I DO.  I am not those things.  I'm a reader, I'm a yogini, I'm a healthy/organic eater, whatever.  What if I don't read or do yoga for a week?  What if I skip my green smoothies for a while?  What if I ate a McDonald's chicken wrap and fries?  Who am I, then?  Of course this is a stupid line of thinking.  I'm still me, but who is THAT, anyway?  Which leads me to my next point.

When we say, "I am...", whatever comes after that becomes true for us.  So yesterday, when I was reading that book and came to the horrifying conclusion that I must be a narcissist, was I making it so because I declared it?  Or is it denial if I refuse to accept the label?  The thing is, I've been thinking a lot about my family since last night.  Undoubtedly, we all have a lot of narcissistic traits.  But we're lovable.  We're still good people.  There are many great things about my mom, but she does try to control family members, specifically her children, well into adulthood.  I don't know if I've ever heard her apologize.  I remember my dad did once.  It's the only time I remember, because he came into my room awkwardly and sat on my bed and said he was sorry for something.  What, I don't remember.  

I think he tries.  I think he can't get out of his shell, just like I can't get out of mine.  I think he wants to reach out, but he's a prisoner of his own insecurity.  I see it, and I have compassion for it, because it's my story too.  Nobody wants to be this way.  We all want healthy, fulfilling, mutually satisfying relationships.  Realizing that I have these flaws is only an advantage, because now I can take the steps to work on it.  Anyway enough talking about that.

A lot has happened since I was writing before, but to summarize, I'm staying strong.  I stopped talking to Jason, just because I honestly can't handle the temptation of being around someone who does that and besides I know how he feels about me now and it isn't mutual.  Ramiro called me a few nights ago!  Oh my gosh.  So first, he called when I was picking up groceries.  I have no idea what the purpose was.  He just wanted to tell me about how he's having fun partying every weekend and going out dancing.  Coooooool.  We haven't talked for three weeks and all of a sudden you feel like it's important enough to call me for the sole purpose of letting me know how awesome your life is????  Weird.

I think really that he was thinking maybe I still had feelings for him.  And he'd call, and stir them up, just to gain some kind of sick pleasure from sending my emotions into a tailspin.  Which totally would have happened, if I had any kind of emotional attachment to him anymore.  But, I don't.  He called me a couple nights later to tell me he is moving back to L.A.  I think he thought (hoped) I would be sad.  I told him that is the best idea, because his kids are there, and their childhoods won't last forever.  I asked him what he is accomplishing here, and told him he's just wasting his time and he needs to go be a dad to his kids.  

He said he didn't think we would break up, and I just came out with it and told him we didn't even have a connection anyway, we had nothing in common, and that I cared about him but I could never be "in love" with him.  He seemed really surprised by that.  Hurt, almost.  I don't know why.  

There are other things.  Awesome things.  Special things.  I don't want to jinx anything right now so I'll keep them to myself for now.  Life is really super awesome though.  I mean, today will be great.  Tomorrow, work, meh.  I'm doing great at work, though!  Then Tuesday...:) :) :)  yes, Tuesday will be fantastic.  Then I am going to the Loving Kindness Tour (the public viewing of the Buddha's relics downtown) on Thursday.  Then there's Art Prize.  We have a new moon and an autumnal equinox upon us.  I am happy, so so so so happy.  !!!

I lied.

This may be nothing more than self-indulgent blabbering, but I need this.  Maybe every entry is about me, and things about my life no one cares about.  But I don't write here to impress anyone else -- I write here because I need to.  Writing is my outlet, this is my therapy, and if I don't release all the things bouncing around inside my head...they come out in other, undesirable ways.

So I'm not leaving.  Today I had an epiphany, and I need to talk about it.  I can't go around boring all the people in my life with incessant rambling about my life.  So I come here, let it out, and pretend someone is listening.  Then I feel better.

I think in the back of my mind, I have known this for some time.  I have intensely resisted and remained in a state of denial, but how can I ever fix it if I can't accept it?  I'm a fucking narcissist.

Oh my god, I hate myself.  This is the worst news ever.  The thing is, I didn't know it could be true because I always assumed a narcissist was someone who didn't care about others, and who had an inflated sense of self-worth.  I do love other people.  I may be uncomfortable expressing it, and feel very awkward trying to demonstrate my affection, but it's there.  I love everyone so much.  And myself?  I don't think I'm superior to anyone.  I think that's pretty obvious, I struggled a long time with feelings of unworthiness and accepting only the version of "love" that I thought I deserved, which wasn't love at all.

But it's true.  The funny thing is, I had these books anonymously shipped to my ex-husband's house this past winter.  I blogged about it.  They are all about love addiction and narcissism.  I assumed they were from Noe, but something inside me tells me that it was a member of my own family.  Which is hilarious, because now that I'm actually reading them...it sounds like more  than one of my family members should probably take some notes, too.  

It's so easy to point the finger.  I look at my brother and his wife, and it's easy.  Narcissists, totally and completely.  Blair blames everyone else but himself for everything wrong in his life and Rachel couldn't apologize to save HERS.  She can't handle criticism, makes negative gossipy hurtful comments about others, and is so VAIN.  I have always seen this.  But me?  No.

Some of the questions in one of the books, though, has me thinking twice.  The book, by the way, is called "You Might Be A Narcissist If...".  The first ten don't apply to me at all, and I'd admit it if they did.  They are do I have empathy, can I admit when I'm wrong, do I categorize others as superior or inferior to myself, do I realize I'm not perfect, do I talk about others behind their backs in a way that puts them down, am I shocked or angry when others express an opinion that is different from my own, do I exert excessive control over others, do I feel envious of others or think they are envious of me.

Relieved, so far.  Then I turned the page.  Do I take pride in being able to do things without the help of others, and do I believe that to need help from others makes one weak?  I swear, sometimes I'd sooner die than admit I need help.  Do I feel safest psychologically when I'm alone?  Look at my life.  Alone, alone, alone.  Make plans to hang out with others, then cancel.  Because, intimacy.  Do I feel threatened psychologically when I am becoming attached to another person?  YES.  Hence, my famous disappearing act.  First, though, I'll find some excuse to run away so I can feel okay about it.  A little lie, a small mistake.  When I experience failure, do I experience strong feelings of self-loathing or self-contempt?  Oh my goddess.  I will berate myself for weeks over a stupid thing I said.  I will obsess over every mistake I made, replaying it in my head, cringing with shame.  

Anyway, it wasn't really the list that broke me down.  It was the chapter where they explain what it's like coming from a narcissistic family, and how we later go on to form relationships with others who came from the same circumstances because it's all we know.  One, injured from narcissistic family members, seeks out another -- one who has taken on the narcissism that was modeled by THEIR family members.  I never could have believed my family was narcissistic.  I love them!

But they won't talk to me when I do something they don't agree with.  I'm kicked out of the family if I dare make a decision that goes against what they think I should do.  I remember being in the same room as my dad at Thanksgiving, and he looked right through me.  Like I didn't exist.  How he didn't talk to me for 3 years when I was with Andrew, and 2 years when I was with Noe.  I only get approval and affection when I am acting in accordance with their ideas for me.  

Obviously, my brother took on these traits, and married someone else who did.  She probably grew up that way too.  The book says we are all doing the best we can, so maybe they are.  Maybe I am.  I hate it that I interrupt, and that I don't call, that I don't reply to  texts, that I don't demonstrate affection.  I hate that people probably think I don't love them.  But, fuck that!  Am I just a victim of my circumstances?  Have I not overcome bigger issues than this?  We're ALL broken.  No one is beyond hope.  I'll accept this as a challenge and work really, really, REALLY hard to make this stop now, with me.  

Farewell!

This blog has served its purpose.  It helped me through a hard time -- a transformative time.  I have emerged from my cocoon, though, and my wings are ready.  It's time for me to fly away, onto bigger and better things.

*Edited to add, I went back to see when my first entry was written in this blog and it was almost EXACTLY two years ago -- August 30, 2012.  How weird that today was the day I was called to end it?  I have chills...

I was never really over Noe until the end of Ramiro.  Everything about Ramiro was just like Noe (well, almost) -- the way his voice sounded, the things he said, even the way he kissed me.  The way he texted (or not).  The way he'd ignore me then come rushing back with pretty words.  The lies he told.  His emotional unavailability.  

Ramiro had a tattoo on his arm, it said "Amber".  I have a tattoo on my neck, it says "Noe".  Amber is a blonde girl of German descent.  I am a blonde girl of German descent.  Noe was born in Mexico and came here around first grade.  Ramiro was born in Mexico and came here around first grade.  I think, through each other, Ramiro and I were both trying to resolve what we felt had been left unresolved with that ex who had branded themself on each of us, both literally and figuratively.  Both on our skin and on our soul.

I finally have closure.  I hope Ramiro does too.  I'm done trying to find someone exactly like Noe that I can make it work with.  I have finally accepted that my happiness comes from inside, and the feelings I still clung to -- that I was chasing, in other men, other beds, other relationships -- were never based on anything real.  I have released the illusion and finally realized that the person I will be happy with is nothing like Noe.  Nothing like Raul.  Nothing like Emmanuel.  Nothing like Ramiro.  

When this person comes, we'll have a soul connection.  They will set my heart on fire, not with roses and pretty words, but with TRUTH and the intensity of our connection.  They will "get" me.  They will "see" me.  

At the same time, though, I realize that a relationship is not the be all and end all of my existence.  There is something more out there.  I am on a mission to pursue it, and lay to rest the old ghosts I've been chasing.  If you've been with me on this journey, thank you.  And namaste.