This is the most perfect goddess for today. This is Airmid, the Celtic goddess of the healing arts. I also thought the picture was beautiful.
So, it's been about two weeks since I last posted, and a lot has happened in that time. My cable was shut off...ha! I get free cable, and it was shut off! I had like $40 in pay per view movies I got for the kids, and it was delinquent. Poor financial planning on my part.
Had I broken up with Ramiro yet the last time I posted? We broke up the day after the quinceanera. And guess what? It didn't really hurt. I made HIM do it, though, and I think that's why it was so easy for me. The last time, when I dumped HIM, I second-guessed myself and I thought I made a mistake and I thought I missed him and I begged for him back. This time, he texted me and said since I'm never moving to Goshen, maybe I'm right and maybe we should break up because he needs to be with somebody he can see every day. And I was like, meh. Okay. I don't even know why I was still holding on at that point anyway. He had no passion for me.
I knew I had to let go of the bad to find something better. I envisioned and dreamed of what I long for, that spark, that connection, that mutual understanding. That saying the same thing at the same time, that feeling of "ME TOO!" when you identify so much with what the other person thinks and feels. Now, I met this girl Shana on planet earth singles (a conscious dating site) and I thought maybe it would be her. I mean, we have a lot in common. We have very similar viewpoints and passions. She's only 25, though, lives with her parents and doesn't drive. And doesn't have a job. Hmmmm. But hey, that's all judgement, right? It has nothing to do with who she is as a person.
Except maybe it does. Now, I'm not judging, I've been there before. But I'm not in that place anymore, and I think that as I evolved as a person inside, my external circumstances began to reflect that. Maybe we are not, in fact, vibrating at the same frequency. I made a mistake last weekend and cancelled a date I was supposed to have with her, but I think all worked out for the best in the end.
I went to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in 5 years because he was with this insecure woman who wouldn't let him talk to me because we dated once, like 9 years ago, for about 3 months. Yeah, for real. Well maybe she was right not to trust him with me, because while I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, he apparently sees me as more than a friend.
I got so drunk. Like, way more drunk than was necessary or advisable. I just kept drinking. And drinking. And drinking. I had just broken up with Ramiro, which in itself wasn't so bad. But I felt alone. Also, on my way to Jason's house, I got lost and my phone was dead so I had no GPS or way to call anyone. I almost got stuck in a 2 track, dented my car on a tree trying to back out, stopped at two creepy houses to ask directions and no one was home. I finally found a kid on a golf cart who directed me back to town, where I ran into Jason and followed him back.
So I was ready to get fucked up. This guy who was there -- no, this KID (I found out later he was only 19) -- was flirting with me at first. No big deal. But the more I drank, the more bold he got. I told him nicely that he was in my bubble. I kept moving away every time he touched my ass. At first it was flattering, I'm not going to lie. He was a good looking guy, but I wasn't interested. After a while, it started to get annoying. Especially when he kept following me around, and started grabbing my crotch. Yeah, for real. Just putting his hand between my legs and shit. So I told Jason I wanted to go to bed, and I laid down, and this dude comes in and lays RIGHT NEXT TO ME and KISSES me.
I didn't kiss him back, it must have been like kissing a corpse. Then he said, "I'm really into you". I said, "Oh my god, this is not the time for this. I am so drunk." He said, "Well I just wanted to tell you I'm really into you." I said, "I don't even know what to say right now. That's sweet of you." Then Jason came in, this dude left, and I was faced with a whole other predicament.
First of all, he offered me cocaine. I don't know if you know, but it's been 16 months. I fought so hard against that demon. Secondly, he got into bed and he was all touching on me and shit. Now, I'm not going to make him look like the bad guy here. I didn't say no. I didn't say yes. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to, but I was so drunk and didn't want to waste the energy to figure out how to get out of that situation without awkwardness, so I just let it happen. I felt so uncomfortable, so gross. Not because I felt like I was sinning or anything, but because I have absolutely zero attraction for him.
When I see a guy as a friend, that's it. I don't fuck my friends. I feel a family type feeling toward them, and the thought of physical intimacy makes me feel sick. I felt that way about Brian even when I was married to him. I did date Jason once, yes, and we slept together and I never felt weird. But the vibe has changed, and this time it felt like torture. I was so grossed out. I would rather have fucked some random stranger. I would rather fuck a fat, ugly, OLD random stranger than a guy friend, who in my mind is the same as a family member.
So now I feel awkward and I have been ignoring his calls. Besides that, and here's some real truth, I have not stopped thinking about cocaine since that night and it was a week ago and I just fear I'm not strong enough to put myself in that situation. I think that would just be asking for trouble, and I've come so far.
I know I've been talking a long time. Next time I will tell you about this guy I'm talking to now, who knows where it's going, maybe he'll end up being just a friend. But he is a yoga instructor, was a vocalist in a band, reads tarot, does reiki, and loves to read. Like, YEAH. For real!!!!! How crazy?????
Oh my god I'm so depressed. I was triggered straight from a euphoric sleepless mania into an immobilizing depression. This is what I get for ignoring my intuition! We always know that little voice is right. But sometimes we want it to be wrong. Maybe I just wanted to be in love, after all this time. Maybe I didn't want to accept that this one ISN'T the one, because that means I'm alone again for an indefinite period of time which somehow sounds unbearable although the pain of being with someone who doesn't love you like you need them to is also suffering.
I've read the Yoga Sutras, the Bhagavad-Gita, and now I'm reading the Upanishads. They teach, and I preach, about non-attachment. I firmly believe we should not rely on anything outside of ourselves to fulfill us, yet here I am being put to the test. I feel like I have LEARNED this lesson already, I already learned how to be happy alone and self-fulfilled, can't it be my time??? How much longer do I have to wait before I am allowed my soul-craving of a partner who sees me, who loves me, who accepts me? When is it my turn to enjoy the companionship of another human soul who gets it, who listens to what I say, someone I can share my passions with? Why am I here AGAIN???
And then comes acceptance, which is another lesson I thought I learned. It isn't what I want it to be. I can't make it BE what I want it to be. Acceptance means acknowledging this, not necessarily staying and putting up with it. You can't love someone for who you hope they could become, you have to either love and accept who they are at this very moment or walk away. Why is it so hard for me to walk away?
This all probably sounds like nonsensical rambling. I hate how when I get into a relationship, that's all I ever blog about. It's like my entire personality, all of my interests, and every other activity is eclipsed by this relationship and all of me is erased by its existence. Nothing remains but the me that is a half of a partnership. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I allow myself to be so consumed? I know I said I wouldn't, and I thought I didn't. But look how often I blog now. And when I do, look what I talk about. Is this really autonomy? Where is CHRISTINE???
I had expectations. I ignored my intuition. I became attached. Attachment led to desire, and now, I suffer. Let me tell you about the quinceanera last night.
Ramiro had told me he was serious about me, and he wanted to introduce me to his family. I was scared, but yet I was also happy that he felt that way about me. I found the perfect dress, he came and picked me up, he looked amazing. He was saying stuff about how he wanted to marry me, and he assured me he wouldn't leave my alone at the quince because he knew I wouldn't know anybody and didn't want me to feel awkward.
Well. We got there, he didn't INTRODUCE me to anyone. He left me sitting at the table with his cousin while he kept getting up to go talk to people, and I'd see them all look back at me, and then he'd come back. So he told them about me, pointed me out to them, but there was never a, "This is my girlfriend Christine. Christine, this is my Uncle." I felt like an exhibit, and I was uncomfortable. It didn't bother me so much that I was the only white girl and I don't speak Spanish well enough to keep up with all the conversation. It was just how Ramiro made me feel.
He did teach me to dance, though, kind of. And I had no idea what the hell I was doing, I stepped on his feet probably a hundred times, but I really had a lot of fun and it made me happy. Plus, you can tell he loves dancing and he is very good at it. It was nice to see him do something that made him happy, his confidence was so appealing. He just took control, and he would lead, and I would follow, and I smiled a lot. I got a little drunk, just enough to overcome my anxiety. I was proud of myself because I ate in front of people, which freaks me out a LOT, and I also danced with him in front of all those people not even knowing what I was doing. So, yay me.
Then we went back to the hotel, had sex and snuggled and that was all wonderful. But in the morning, he was like a different person. That ALWAYS seems to happen with him. He's Prince Charming at night, then I wake up to the Ice King. I would tell him I loved him, he wouldn't say it back unless I repeated myself, indicating that I expected a response. He said something about how he used to be so excited about getting married but now he's been turned off from it and he doesn't think he needs to do that anymore (which completely contradicted what he had been saying the night before).
He didn't want to take a shower together like we used to, just asked if I wanted to go first or should he. Then when I got upset, he said he was going to spend the night at my apartment with me tonight but then before it was time to bring me home, he decided to bring his cousin too so he'd have company on the ride home.
So we got here, and the icing on the cake was that he gave me the worst kiss ever, like the kind of kiss your grandpa gives you, and when I said I love you he said NOTHING. Then he said he'd text me when he got home. I understand, his cousin was in the back seat. You can't walk me in, and kiss me like a man kisses the woman he loves? You can't tell me you love me?
I guess the worst part is, as I psychoanalyze myself with tears running down my face, I am mad because I am settling for him and making the best out of a relationship that doesn't fit my description of ideal. I'm giving my all to him even though he's not everything I wanted. So WHY CAN'T HE DO THAT FOR ME???? I feel like, I'm making myself be happy with YOU, why can't you do the same for me?
It's like he thinks I can't get anyone else, and that I should feel lucky that he's choosing me when he has so many other options. The thing is, I have other options too. I get plenty of attention. I just don't talk about it all the time because it's disrespectful. But it makes me angry that he almost feels like he's doing me a favor and that I can't go anywhere. I could. I just don't want to. But the longer I don't, the more I start to wonder WHY?????
Goddess, Bodhisattva...same idea. Of course I believe that all deities are metaphors for certain qualities inherent in all of humankind. We all contain the potential for every characteristic, it is up to us to decide whether or not we will express/indulge. But everything is in everything. Focusing on deities which represent the qualities we want to express in ourselves is the oldest kind of magic...just like using herbs, crystals, and essential oils with the same vibration as the conditions we want to create. Where attention goes, energy flows. What you focus on, so you become.
I was reading on Facebook yesterday that Facebook had conducted a secret social experiment which really pissed some people off. It happened without their knowledge or permission, which I think is wrong, but the insight gleaned from this study is pretty eye-opening. They controlled the amount of negative vs. positive posts in the news feed of two separate groups and observed the effect of the negative posts on the group that had increased negativity in their feed. Their posts became increasingly negative, indicating that emotions are contagious.
Now, I believe that the media has already known this for a long time. It really makes you think twice about the constant barrage of negativity streaming through to us through the idiot box -- is this a form of social control? Are our emotions being manipulated, and for what purpose? What benefit would there be to the powers-that-be to keep us in a state of negativity? Does it render us less likely to act? Or is it that negativity is a lower vibration which makes us more easily manipulated? Or do they want us to become so consumed with the anger at all the injustices, the sadness over the plights of so many unfortunates, that we are simply too distracted to notice what they don't want us to see? I don't have the answer, but it's food for thought.
I just got done watching my dharma talk and I feel like I just dusted some cobwebs out of my mental attic. A recurring theme in my tarot readings about my relationship with Ramiro is balance -- both with the Temperance card and the 2 of Pentacles. The fact that he lives so far away is a benefit because I am less likely to become consumed in this relationship to the exclusion of my individuality. I have enough healthy space and distance that I can keep my head clear and stay focused on my goals. Sure, I get distracted from time to time and miss a couple days of yoga. But I always find my way back to my path, which I have not been able to do in a relationship before, and I think I'm making progress.
In the dharma talk, the monk was saying that the buddhas and bodhisvattas shine on all of us indiscriminately. They are like the moon, shining on every lake and pond. The only difference lies in the actual ponds and how polluted they are. Is the lake of your mind dirty? Can you purify it? If you can, you can reflect the light of the divine more clearly. Anyone can do it, but no one can do it for you. That's a message that has been popping up a lot around me lately -- no one can do it for you. If you want something to change or to happen, you're the only one who can do that.
That's a big thing I struggle with. I sit around waiting for things to happen. I hope and wish and pray but I take no action, hoping things will just work themselves out and magically I'll be where I need to be. I want to write, and I imagine that my novel will just write itself and come out on its own one day. But if I keep thinking like that, it will never happen. If I keep putting it off, it will remain in the future -- why not today? Today could be my day. Today IS my day. After all, nothing has ever happened in the past and nothing will ever happen in the future -- NOW is the only time anything happens.
I'm reading Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by B K S Iyengar. I'm also still reading Women Who Run with the Wolves. It reminds me of when I was a kid and would read multiple books at the same time :). I'm really liking the yoga sutras, though. I also bought the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.
When I was at Kasey's wedding, the pastor was talking about how it doesn't just end when you meet "The One", and they complete you and you both live happily ever after. Because they can NOT complete you. No one could ever love you enough to fill you up, and if you look to a relationship to add that missing piece, you will be disappointed. He said a successful marriage is one with god at its center -- only god can fill you up. Now, of course I'm not Christian (or really anything else, for that matter). But I agree with this. My spirituality, however you may define it, is the only thing that makes me feel whole. If I abandon it for a relationship, thinking that relationship will be enough, it will not. It is only with balance -- keeping my spiritual connection WHILE engaging in my relationship -- that I will be truly happy.
He can't be my hero. I've got to be my own hero. I don't look at god like some separate entity outside of myself but rather as a force within myself and everything else. It is my recognition of that, devotion to the oneness of us all and respect for our collective divinity, that makes me "god-centered". I don't worship some old man in the sky. I honor the light in us all and aim to let love permeate everything I do on this planet...because we're all in it together.
This means hard work, like nothing I have ever done before. Recognizing, analyzing, and releasing petty emotions like anger and fear. Jealousy. Dealing with my hurt and frustration in different ways. Not blaming. Relationships are HARD. But this is some of the most transformative work I have ever done.
