Hera

This is Hera, and of course I chose her because I've been feeling all domestic and shit.  This is the wifey goddess, much different than the independent free-loving I-don't-need-a-man do what I want goddesses I usually choose.  However I must confess, I don't think I'll be in Hera mode much longer.

Since the time I last posted, Ramiro and I have broken up and gotten back together and honestly that Aries flame dwindled quick.  I dumped him because he stopped paying enough attention to me.  He didn't like my pictures or my statuses anymore on Facebook, didn't text me as much, called later and later and we talked for shorter and shorter a time.  So, I told him I didn't think it would work out -- honestly hoping he'd try to prove me wrong, beg me to stay, something like that.  But he just let me go, and I drunk texted him the next day, now we're back together and he thinks he's doing me the world's biggest favor by being with me.  *puke*

Now, I love me some fire signs.  I have quickly learned, though (or remembered) that an Aries is very different than a Leo.  Yes, both are passionate/angry.  They burn hot.  Both great in bed.  They both need their ego stroked.  The difference?  A Leo appreciates when you stroke his ego.  He'll stroke yours back.  You pet the lion, he nuzzles up against you and lays his head on your lap.  An Aries, on the other hand, just assumes that you'll kiss his ass because he's the greatest thing ever to grace this earth and never once considers extending some kind of affection to you.  Why?  Who are you?  It's  too bad you're not as awesome, right?  Oh well.  Not everyone can be the best.

I read a quote by Eckhart Tolle the other day that said relationships are not to make us happy, they are to make us conscious.  I would have to say it's true.  In no other situation am I as challenged, as confronted with my shortcomings, as aware of my flaws as I am in a relationship.  For the past year, I've been kidding myself!  I mean, really.  Here I thought I was so evolved.  I got all spiritual, with my books and my yoga and my solitude.  I really believed I was on the road to enlightenment.  All it takes is a relationship to show you all of the ugly parts of you that are still hiding beneath the surface.  

This is definitely work.  But if I approach it as such, it's kind of exciting.  This relationship could be a catalyst for further change.  I could use it to help me improve myself even more, by recognizing and correcting my faults.  I'm not saying it's going to last, but while I'm in in, why not do it consciously?

One thing I have already learned about is that I am not direct when I need something.  I communicate my needs in unhealthy ways.  Like when I feel emotionally neglected, I'll usually just leave, and see if my partner chases me.  If they do, it reassures me that they do want me.  Also, I give too many hints about how I feel instead of coming right out and saying it.  I leave a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the general vicinity of my point, and expect my partner to solve this puzzle.  

I am also learning about controlling my half of the relationship.  I can't spend so much time stressing about the things I can't control -- whether he's talking to someone else, whether he's lying to me, what he's doing when I'm not there.  I don't want to be turned into some jealous crazy paranoid bitch, because who wants that?  All I can control is what I'M doing.  I intend to come from a place of love, every time.  This is not dependent on whether or not he's doing the same.  I am faithful because I'm a faithful person, regardless of whether or not he is.  I'm honest because I'm an honest person, whether or not he lies.  I am kind because it's in my nature, not because I feel like he has earned it.  I always will be kind, honest, and faithful and it will never depend on his kindness, honesty, or fidelity.  That doesn't mean I will stay if he is a lying cheater.  It just means I will maintain my integrity.

The last thing I am learning is not to sacrifice myself on the altar of infatuation.  I still need to do me.  I still need to engage in activities which nourish my soul and make my heart sing.  No stopping yoga.  No forgetting about friends.  No putting the books back on the shelf.  I will not be losing my identity this time.  I will not be selling my soul for love.  I will not stop being me.  Speaking of which, it's time for yoga :)

Xochiquetzal

This isn't so much a "love" goddess as a sex goddess...sex for the sake of pleasure, which in and of itself isn't bad.  But.  The subtle undertones of Ramiro's energy indicate that, to him, this isn't so much a "love" thing as a sex thing.  Which is fine.  But that's not where I am right now.  I've done that.  I'm 32.  He made me think he wanted commitment, and his words say that, but his actions contradict that sentiment.

Don't I sound like EVERY woman right now?  Oh, he said he wanted commitment, but he said he loved me, why won't he answer my calls???  Yes, I know that I live almost 2 hours away.  I still feel like a long distance booty call.  Part of my disappointment is that I had EXPECTATIONS for this weekend -- and, as we all know, expectations are the root of all suffering.  Well, attachment is -- but expectations are attachment to a specific outcome.

I spent so much time cooking in preparation for his visit, I was so excited.  You know that!  I imagined that he was just as excited as I was.  I imagined that he'd get out of work and just rush right over here, as quickly as he could.  That he'd get here and be so happy to see me, give me a great big hug and a passionate kiss.  I imagined the warmth I would feel.  I imagined he would stay as long as he possibly could, reluctant to leave.

None of those things happened.  He got here late.  He told me at around 3 that he wouldn't be here until 7:30 or 8, no explanation.  He got here, and when I joyously ran outside to meet him, the most lame hug ever.  Then like he was in a hurry to get inside.  No huge smile.  No feeling of warmth.  Dinner was in the oven and we made out but something felt off.  So finally I asked him if something was on his mind, and he seemed surprised that I could tell.  But then he lied and said it was his back hurting.  How can you say you love a woman but don't tell her what you think and how you feel?

Anyway, we had dinner and he told me he was going to have to leave early to go meet with his pastor Sunday night.  I was so upset, I drank the entire bottle of red wine.  I had dinner planned for Sunday night, breakfast for Monday morning.  This was not on the agenda.  Of course, I played it off like it was okay.  But I was really hurt.  We get to see each other once a week, and this is my only Sunday off in the foreseeable future.  And you'd give that up?  I gave up PEACE FEST for you!  And you can't meet with your pastor a different day?  Am I really not that important to you?  And of course, feeling dumb that I made him such a priority when it clearly wasn't mutual.

And of course, there was also the niggling little doubting voice in the back of my mind suggesting that maybe he isn't meeting with his pastor after all.  He's probably lying.  The twins are in disagreement, now.  One twin wants to marry him and have his baby.  The other thinks he's a lying cheater just like every other man on this planet and wants to RUN, far and fast, NOW.

Sunday, we went to the mall.  It became apparent how different we were.  He's all about the expensive sunglasses, leather jackets, expensive shoes.  Status symbols.  Materialism.  I'm so far from that, the only store I have any desire to buy anything in is Barnes and Noble -- and even then, I cringe paying full price when I know I could get the same book for under 5 bucks on half.com.  Are we really aligned with the same values?

I'm sorry this whole entry is about my relationship, but I'm mentally working things out.  So anyway, we watched a movie at the mall.  He made a comment about how he hates to be bored so he always wants to go do stuff.  I used to be the same.  I was running away from myself.  Distracting myself from my thoughts and real work.  So, I don't judge, but how are we going to get along when the majority of my life is spent being what he would consider boring?  I stay home and read, meditate, do yoga, and watch documentaries.  I get out every now and then, but it's to enrich myself -- sister circle, book club, family.  When he does, it's also to distract himself with material pleasures.  Drinking, dancing.  I feel like he is so in this world, and I am so not.

After the movie, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the soccer game.  That was actually pretty good.  When I was with Brian, it was always football (Lions).  Borrrrringgggg.  When I was with Dwight, it was baseball (Tigers).  SUUUUUPER BORRRRRRING.  But, as ADD as I am, soccer actually kept my interest.  I found myself really getting into it, and of course being like 85% German, I was super happy that Germany won.  So that part was fine.  But then again, I'm not really a sports girl.  It seems so trivial compared to the other things in life.

So where do we stand?  He likes stuff, and distraction, and sports.  He wants to live a superficial materialistic existence.  I want to go deeper.  I don't care about stuff.  In fact, last week I threw out about 3 garbage bags full of extra STUFF that we just don't need anymore.  But here's the dangerous part.  He wants a baby.  I want a baby.  Would I give up my soul to have one?

Venus

Well of COURSE I had to choose Venus, come on now -- I'm in love!  Well, you know.  As much love as I can be in at this stage of the relationship.  And that picture, with all the red, is also very fitting.  Happy full moon today...and happy moon day to me, as well.  I don't resent my period but it does have some inconvenient timing.  Ramiro is coming today!

I am so, so, so, SO manic right now.  Yesterday, I just could not stop cleaning.  My body wanted to sit down but my mind wouldn't allow it.  I kept seeing a spot that needed to be wiped, a sock that needed to be picked up, a closet that needed to be reorganized.  I don't have a vacuum and I was even on my hands and knees picking up little particles from my carpet.  Yeah.  THAT crazy.  

After I was satisfied with the results of my cleaning frenzy, I moved on to a cooking extravaganza.  I made biscuits, so I could cook biscuits and gravy for breakfast.  I made shortcakes and strawberry sauce for strawberry shortcake.  (PS, although I DID use the Jiffy boxed mix, I substituted agave syrup for sugar, coconut oil for shortening, and coconut milk for dairy milk)  I sliced up strawberries for a strawberry feta spinach salad I'm making and made my own salad dressing -- hemp seed oil, red wine vinegar, sesame seeds, and agave syrup.  I made some dipping oil for the french bread I bought -- some garlic, some lemon juice, some italian spices, some olive oil.  Then, the piece de resistance, I assembled a pan of stuffed shells so they will be ready to bake tonight.  

Here's the menu: tonight, stuffed shells with french bread and dipping oil and strawberry feta spinach salad.  Breakfast, biscuits and gravy.  Lunch, turkey provolone mini-subs with watermelon slices and strawberry shortcake for dessert.  Dinner, lemon thyme chicken with broccoli and maple glazed sweet potatoes.  Then, if he's still here for breakfast Monday morning, I'll do pancakes with blueberry sauce.  I ROCK!!!  Sometimes I wish I could be manic all the time.  :)

I'm going to miss the full moon ritual with the sister circle tonight, but I'm planning on going to the book club meeting tomorrow night.  I guess Ramiro can decide whether he wants to hang out here and wait for me to come back, or just go home before I leave.  I finished Chapter 5, which blew me away about love, but came at precisely the right time.  Chapter 6 is about finding your tribe, which is another issue near and dear to my heart.

I got my new tarot deck and it feels good so far.  I'm going to go  through it, card by card, meditating and journaling on each card every day.  I'll probably set up a separate blog for that.  I read on Mystic Mama that this full moon will have a big push to follow your calling.  

A peak of the Capricorn instinct, with the Full Moon, spins around themes of life’s work and/or calling.

And that we have been working hard and pushing against resistance for the last 6 months (the whole time I've worked at Charter) but now

After six long months, we wish to squirm out from under Capricorn’s stern and melancholy thumb. Whatever your prison, you are gearing up for a daring jailbreak.

I keep getting the Temperance card in readings about my relationship with Ramiro.  I think that this time I'll take a different approach, a more balanced one.  I'll be mindful to make sure my energy is evenly distributed throughout the various aspects of my life, I'll make a priority to keep everything in balance, and I'll establish harmony with my work, family, and romantic lives.  It can work.  It WILL work.  It is my intention, and so it will be.  :)

Aeval

Today, I chose Aeval.  Originally I chose her just because she is a fairy goddess, and of course I'm obsessed with fairies.  However, I also learned a rather interesting tidbit about her which made me giggle:
Irish. Also Aebhel. A Goddess and Munster queen who held a midnight court to hear the debate on whether the men of her province were keeping their women sexually satisfied. She deemed that men were both prudish and lazy, and commanded that they bow to the women's sexual wishes.

But seriously, enough with the man-hating, I guess.  I do have a boyfriend.  :)  Ramiro asked me yesterday and I said yes.  I wasn't 100% sure at first, but chapter 5 in my book (Women Who Run With Wolves) actually addresses this very issue.  I feel like this book was written just for me.  It's powerful.  I'm tired of running.  I'm tired of waiting for the "right time", which, for the ego, will never come.  There will always be an endless supply of excuses or reasons as to why to avoid commitment.  But I want to learn how to really love.  I want to take all the lessons I've learned from my previous failed relationships and actually love better now.  

I want to stop saying, "I'm jealous", "I'm insecure", "I'm fickle", "I always run away", and, "I don't trust any man".  I want to start saying, this is a new man, this is a new relationship, this is a new day.  I am a different person and this is a different opportunity and we're doomed from the start if I insist on punishing him for the transgressions of those who came before him.  And let's be honest, as much as my family would love to blame everyone but me for everything bad that's happened to me, I understand that I made mistakes too.  

Did I deserve to be abused, lied to, or cheated on?  No, but the situations I found myself in were a direct result of the choices I made.  Some of those bad choices may have been failing to establish healthy boundaries, refusing to love and honor myself, and having unrealistic expectations that some man would be able to save me from myself.

So here goes a brand new start.  We may fail, we may succeed.  All I know is, I'm going to leave the past in the past and do the best I can with what I have.

I'm getting ready to take the kids mini-golfing at the ice cream store.  I was perusing my cupboards earlier and found myself pretty amused -- I notice the organic steel-cut oats, giant jug of organic extra virgin coconut oil, agave syrup and stevia, spirulina, ashwagandha, quinoa, organic maple syrup, sweet potatoes, almond milk, hemp oil, chia seeds, and other healthy organic foods, fruits, and veggies.  

But scattered among them, reluctant to leave, are a few old culprits -- white bread, macaroni and cheese, sour patch kids, hot dogs (the cheapo, really really bad for you kind), processed cheese, and spaghetti-o's.  I try not to get discouraged.  I do the best I can every day, and I am replacing more and more of the old stand-bys with healthier options.  To be honest, eating organic is more expensive.  Also, healthy wholesome eating does take more preparation and work.  

I don't mind, but as someone who has fed her kids a steady diet of hot dogs, grilled cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets, spaghetti-o's, and bologna sandwiches...this big change could not be made in all one step.  It's like crossing over into a whole new world.  I have to know what to buy and what to do with it.  What not to buy, and why not.  It's uncharted territory, but I'm pleased at my progress.  It feels good to be committed to a healthy lifestyle, both physically and emotionally.  :)

Ixchel

So, it's been a while, eh?  I'm not sure if I should start from where I am and work backwards, or start where I left off and work forwards.  

Friday was the 4th of July, and I had the day off from work.  Thursday night, Ramiro asked spur of the moment at about 7pm if he could come over, I said yes.  He spent the night and I had a lot of conflicting emotions about him.  I did a tarot reading for him and the 2 of Cups came up as the foundation of the situation and in the environment position was The Lovers.  Doing a reading for a potential love interest can be difficult, especially when those cards show up.  Was he asking about me?  Dare I assume it?  How do I remain objective?

In the morning, Rachel dropped off Tristan and Ramiro left shortly after that.  I took Tristan to the parade and my mom watched him while my dad and I did the beer tour.  I don't know WHAT I was thinking, thinking I was going to be able to drive after 12 samples of beer!  I imagined that those samples would be about the size of a shot.  Ohhhh no.  Thank goodness my mom dropped my dad and I off and picked us up, because I was pretty wrecked.  I hadn't had a sip of alcohol since my mom's birthday party, which was over 2 months prior.

The beer was great, though, and it was really nice hanging out with my dad.  I have to say it was a great idea.  We really needed some bonding time.  It went really well!  I had promised Tristan that I would  take him to see fireworks, though, and I was sadly unable to drive after all the beer.  So we stayed home.  Mommy fail.  :(

I hadn't done yoga in 5 days until today, but in my defense, I have been sick.  Yesterday was awful, I had mandatory overtime until 7pm and of course that would be the day that I couldn't breathe through my nose at all.  My customers could barely understand me, and my ears were blocked from all the congestion so I could barely hear them.  I should have remembered, though.  When you are sick, it isn't the time to skip yoga!  Yoga is medicine.  I felt so much better after I got on my mat today.

Hey,  guess what?  I'm not going to Peace Fest!  Can you believe it?  It just didn't feel right.  I can't say what made me change my mind, it just felt...off track.  Some decisions in life feel like they don't jive with my current flow.  I can't figure out why, since Peace Fest is always such a spiritually enriching time for me.  I'm baffled as to why my higher self isn't leading me in that direction.  I've stopped trying to analyze or argue with my intuition, though.  I just honor it.  So, I gave the tickets away and I feel really happy about it.  

I still have 6 days straight off from work, so I'm going to devote them to myself and my spirituality.  I have a big push right now to follow my passion and live in line with my purpose, so I'm going to get really serious about the reiki and tarot.  I ordered a new deck (White Light Tarot -- it's a reiki tarot deck!  How perfect!) and I'm going to take an online course.  I've been reading for 13 years but I want to get really, really good.  And I want to build confidence.  I also want to buckle down on studying and practicing reiki.  I'm going to make a website and DO this.  Where the path will lead from there, I don't know -- but I feel like I'm heading in the right direction.  I am a healer.  Hence, the goddess I chose today -- Ixchel, Medicine Woman.  

Iris

I chose Iris today because I just read a post on Facebook about Rainbow Warriors.

Okay that was yesterday and I wrote one sentence before I got distracted and started doing something else.  I'm in one of those manic moods where I'm in a great mood, I feel super creative and motivated, and I have boundless energy with little agitation.  If only it could stay like THIS. 

I thought to myself yesterday as I scrubbed my shower with homemade soft scrub (baking soda, castile soap, a little water, and some lime essential oil) while my laundry was going and my kitchen had been cleaned...in my manic cleaning frenzy, I thought, if only I could be like this ALL the time.  And to imagine, possibly some people ARE!  And they probably can't understand others without the same drive.  Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't -- it can't be forced.  So I decided to make the most of it and cleaned my little heart out :)

I have come to love sweating.  I'm not sure what happened, but I look forward to sweat dripping down my face and my chest while I do yoga.  Weird, isn't it?  I know that it wasn't so long ago that I decided hot yoga wouldn't be my thing.  Now I'm all about it -- I even wear my thick yoga pants instead of shorts so I'll sweat more.  It feels purifying.

I'm still making progress; always making progress.  I've been watching a dharma talk every week and learning a lot about mindfulness...I mean, much more in depth than the basic knowledge we all have.  He has taught me some things that have become useful in my every day life, and I use them and have noticed a benefit.  I imagine myself as the mountain, and when a bad thought arises, I say, "Oh, here comes a thought about Rachel.  I notice that I feel angry.  I am letting it pass.  It is passing."  Also, he talks a lot about how this body is like a rental apartment, no option for renewal.  I always laugh to myself when he says that.  We want to take care of our apartment, but no matter how much time or money we put into it, we shouldn't get too attached to it because no matter what when the time comes....you gotta go!

Remember how I wondered if I only missed Ramiro because I wanted what I couldn't have?  And I honestly didn't really know?  Well, I have confirmation.  I am just as messed up as I suspected.  He Facetimed with me yesterday and basically told me he wanted to be with me.  (Be careful what you wish for, right?)  And now I don't think I want that anymore.  I mean, I went as far as to try to wish and hope and manifest this very thing.  And maybe I did!  I sent so much energy, begging and pleading with divinity to let this happen.  Now that it has happened, I'm like..."Nevermind".  Really????  Really, Christine?  What the hell is WRONG with you????

He told me he  thought I was playing with him before.  I told him I wasn't, that I was honest about everything I said.  And I was!  I WAS totally honest.  I just kept changing my mind!  So now I don't know what I'm going to do.  I don't want to make an ass out of myself and tell him I really don't want to be with him after all.  And anyway, once I do THAT, with my luck I would regret it two days from now and would be crying into my pillow again.  Grrrrr.  WOMEN, right????

Oh my goddess, 8 days from now I'll be going to Peace Fest!!!  Yeahhhhh buddy.  This is my annual holiday.  There is a slogan or motto or whatever on the Willow Ranch website which reads, "The place your heart calls home".  I couldn't put it any better myself.  Honestly I think my soul has some kind of deep tie and connection to that place.  I dream about it all the time, repeatedly and persistently.  I had dreamed about it before I had ever even been there.  It was one of those deja vu moments upon arriving, but accompanied with that feeling of belonging.  There's some great energy there.

The Willow Ranch has seen me through my marriage to Dwight (which happened AT Peace Fest in 2010) to our marriage falling apart (one year later, due to drugs and lies), to my absence because I was stuck up Noe's ass (even though I wasn't there in 2012, I continued to dream about it...and Noe was in those dreams, playing out scenes of mistrust and jealousy that were buried in my consciousness), then the following year at Hoodilidoo with Vanessa and Shyloh (the best time ever, except that I didn't have any money) then last year Peace Fest with Raul, which I tried to play off as a good time but he tried to keep me in the tent the whole time, kept pulling me away from my friends, and didn't want to do anything I wanted to do.  I felt restricted and tied down, but I loved him (or I was infatuated with him) so I did what he wanted and I resented him later for it because I missed out on so much.

This year I am not bringing a date.  It's going to be the best year yet.  I am beyond excited.  :) :) :)

Okay, it's time to watch Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman.  Later!