I am sweaty. And stinky. But I feel DAMN good! It's been a little bit of a challenge over the last few days maintaining my momentum. I'm on, then off, and can't quite stay on track. I keep redirecting myself, though, every time I get distracted. That has to count for something. I got weighed at the doctor's office last week, though, and I weigh 123 lbs! That's what I weighed when I got pregnant for Sienna, so I have officially lost all of my baby weight. Yeahhhhhh!!! Thank you, yoga.
I'm just amazed that something I enjoy so much could be so effective. I honestly thought that in order to achieve weight loss, the only option was busting your ass running miles and kickboxing and plyometrics and all that other crazy shit my mom does. It is not so, my friend. I have worked a zillion times harder and seen nowhere near the results I see now. It's a bit puzzling, but I think I have part of it figured out.
It isn't just the physical aspect of yoga, it's not that I'm burning so many calories. It is the awareness I have cultivated, which reaches to all other aspects of my life. Things change that I have made no conscious decision to change. It's like there's a program running in the background, silent and unnoticed. It's not until I step back and take stock of my life that I'm shocked to realize that I don't eat fast food anymore, or smoke. That I haven't had a sip of alcohol since May 2nd, and have had two puffs of marijuana in the past year. That was never a big problem for me anyway, but no other drugs either. I can't remember the last time I drank pop or made kool-aid for the kids. Even more shocking, there is NO sugar in my house -- and I have no idea when I ran out! Woahhhhh. I'm getting there, baby. I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely on my way.
Yesterday was the new moon and I'm getting so frustrated with my job. My intention is out there. I am seeking a fulfilling career which provides for the physical needs of my children and myself while being in line with my divine purpose. I can not stand being a cog in the wheel. Did I tell you about the mandatory overtime? That was the last fucking straw. On Monday the 7th, a day I am supposed to pick up the kids around 5 or 5:30, I was just told I am REQUIRED to stay until 7pm. No input from me, no chance to object. What the hell, do they think they fucking OWN me? No. No. NO. The commission is NOT worth it.
I think that's why they think they can be such assholes to everyone -- they think they've got us by the balls because we make these nice commission checks. They know we can't go anywhere else and make the same amount of money. They know it, and they exploit it. It's not right. As a single mother, it really puts me in a quandary too. For example, my commission check next month is $1300. That's like a second JOB. It almost seems irresponsible to voluntarily choose a lower paying job. But how much is my family worth? My sanity? My freedom?????
Oh yeah so RAMIRO. Oooooh, I'm so angry with him right now. You remember what a bad state I was in. It was ridiculous, I cried over him and obsessed over him and blogged about him, I was just a mess. Finally, with a lot of time and perseverance on my part, I moved on. Oh, I'm so devastated when someone rejects me, but luckily I get over it quickly. IF they leave me alone. I get distracted and eventually forget what I was so sad about. UNLESS they remind me.
Yesterday he texted me out of the blue. I couldn't help it, my heart got all fluttery. I felt so excited and happy, I thought he was going to tell me he wanted to be with me. Want to hear something messed up though? When I was convinced that he was trying to get with me, suddenly I wondered if that was what I really wanted after all. It's no wonder people think I'm playing with them! Somehow, unintentionally, I AM! When they want me, I don't want them. Finally they give up and I want them so bad. When I convince them to change their mind and be with me, I don't want them anymore. WTF??? I think I need some serious counseling.
Anyway, I think he must have been drunk or playing with my emotions, because that's not what he wanted at all. I still have no idea why he texted me. He asked if I had forgotten him already, and I spilled my guts about how I cried over him for 3 days then I got on with my life and wished him nothing but happiness. Then he said he was sorry for making me cry and I said it was my own fault. Then that was it. Nothing further. What was the purpose of THAT??? Jerk!!!!!
I am soooo tirrrrrrrrred. I am so tired, I can barely blog. My whole body feels like it is tingling. I was so tired this morning, I could barely get out of bed...I left 15 minutes later than I ever have because I needed that extra sleep. No green smoothie. No makeup. No yoga. I was so tired, I forgot to put on deodorant or grab shorts to wear to Maria's yoga class tonight, so I didn't go.
Which is just as well, because I am so. damn. TIRED. How long does it take to get labs back from the doctor? I'm sure something is wrong with me. I can't be pregnant, I'm not depressed, but this fatigue....ohhhhh, it's killing me.
Why am I even trying to blog? I can barely type. I'm just staring at the screen. Oh, because I have some news. We heard back about shift bids today and I got 8:15-5:15 with Sundays and Tuesdays off. Split days off is SUPER SUCKY, but I can make this work. Besides, having Sundays off will be nice for when the new temple is built later this summer. I'll be able to go, and I really feel pulled in that direction.
I've been invited to the wedding of a girl I was friends with in high school. I think I'm going to go, but I'm going to be that loser who goes alone. Why would I bring just some random date, just to have one? It will be awkward, though. I mean, it's not like I'm ASHAMED of being single. I'm not. But what do I do when everyone is slow dancing? Maybe I shouldn't go. Ughhhhhhhh I don't know what to do. Hey! Maybe Shyloh will go with me. She'd probably get the wrong idea, though.
Speaking of Shyloh, she's riding with me to Peace Fest. And Fabio is coming with his girlfriend Crystal! Vanessa is meeting me there but I'm not sure if she's staying. I don't think Shyloh knows that Vanessa will be there (Vanessa is her ex) and I'm not telling her either. It'll be like a reunion of the old gang, minus one.
It was kind of nice to get back in touch with Fabio. I had to laugh when he called me C-Bass, no one has called me that in a long time. I love making new friends, getting closer to acquaintances, and building my new life...but I must admit, it's nice to reconnect with people who really know me. Who I am comfortable around. People I can be ME around...
I'm so damn scared and shy around everyone else. I'm always locked up so tight in my little box. It's nice to be able to come out once in a while. I just realized this entry is rambling and not making much sense. I thought I had more news but I can't remember what it was, so I guess that's all for now.
Have I done Isis yet? I can't remember. I don't have an Isis photo in my gallery, so I'm thinking not. Anyway, I am feeling MUCH better today. I did some yoga last night after I posted, and again this morning. I got back to my green smoothies too. I had neglected that stuff for a little while, but I'm BACK.
My yoga practice has blossomed into something truly beautiful and fulfilling. I memorized the poses in the half primary, so I have stopped using YogaGlo. I turn Pandora on to the Yoga station for some soothing background music, and just tune into my inner self and flow. I am getting so much more out of it now without the distraction of the teacher talking, or looking up at the TV. I am able to be fully aware of myself and it is so rewarding to have gotten to this point. I feel so happy.
My doctor's appointment went fine, I am waiting on results from some bloodwork from the lab. I'm a little nervous, but it will be what it will be. They did a pap, so I'll know if it's cervical cancer or the beginnings of it shortly. Also they tested several other things to see if it's my thyroid or other hormonal issue, as well as a blood pregnancy test (since it's too early to take a HPT). I also requested an STD test since I was there, just to be on the safe side. I am hoping all is well. If all the blood work is good, but if I continue to have irregular bleeding, he will schedule an ultrasound to check my ovaries and other internal reproductive organs.
I had a venti cinnamon dolce latte with an extra shot of espresso after my appointment, thinking it would give me motivation to clean my apartment. My body has been slowly weaning itself off caffeine though -- I used to drink 80 ounces of coffee a day at work, and without even trying to, my body automatically shifted and I'm only drinking 20 now. So, it felt like a drug. I got high, jittery, breathless, shaky, and sweaty. I also felt very nauseated. I still drank a green smoothie afterward (mango banana peach with coconut milk, spinach, ashwagandha, maca, and spirulina) and now I feel ill. Ugh. Coffee no bueno.
I did get the kitchen clean, though. It looks pretty great. Now I'm not sure if I want to listen to a dharma talk, play some more with my hula hoop, or read. My mind is all scattered. I'm hoping the ashwagandha will even me out. Then, in a couple hours, I get to pick up the kids! Yayyyy :) I'm anxious to make up for the last "weekend" since I was so mopey.
Speaking of weekends, we just had a surprise shift bid at work. Yeah, I know. I thought we weren't having another one until November, and I planned my whole summer around having the kids on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Now, the only consecutive days off are weekends, and if you don't get those, you're stuck with split days off. Even if I get weekends, that's going to take away family time because their dads have them every other weekend. I'm so sad. :( But, it will be as it is meant to be, and all I can do is flow with it.
Good afternoon, loves. I chose Oizys today...ever heard of her? Neither had I. I googled, "Goddess of anxiety" and this is what I got. Here is the description:
As the sister of the many of the dark gods of death, night and the Underworld, Oizys personified distress, misery, anxiety, wretchedness and worry. Oizys represented great unhappiness in mortals encompassing extreme pain of the body or the mind. She was strongly associated with calamity and misfortune. She was the twin sister of Momus, the ancient Greek god of blame, censure and criticism.
Now, I do realize that a healing crisis is less likely to occur after the Reiki Master attunement, which I just had on Saturday. This crisis, though, I believe was in the works already...started in lovely Mercury retrograde, when old wounds resurface and old habits rear their ugly heads. That is when I danced to close to the flame that was Ramiro. My heartsickness is over, but another sickness has begun...and I'm filled with fear and dread.
I'm probably thinking too much about this. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I am filled with anxiety. I am honestly convinced that I will either leave the office knowing that I am either pregnant, or have cancer. What else could be going on with my body? But I don't understand!! My period ended FRIDAY. I had sex SUNDAY. That's too early to be ovulating! I started feeling fatigued WEDNESDAY. Red blood (just spotting) THURSDAY and FRIDAY, then brown yesterday, and gone today. Sorry for the TMI. I'm honestly not really ashamed anymore to talk about my period but I'm sure you don't feel like reading about it.
Why is this happening? What if I am pregnant? What if I have cervical cancer? I am honestly so worried that I am shaking. My heart is beating like a drum and I can barely catch my breath. I guess I'll keep you posted.
As far as the Reiki Master attunement, well duh, it was awesome. I truly feel like a different woman than I was when I came to the first class. All of my doubt is gone. I can feel the energy, there is no doubt. We set up a crystal grid and I waved my hand over it, amazed at the palpable energy I could actually feel. This was no trick of the imagination or seeing what I wanted. This was 100% real. I had more visuals while I was meditating. This is all so exciting! A door into a new world of possibilities has opened up to me.
The frustrating part is, other people will think I am crazy. Or they won't believe me. I doubted, too! It's one of those things that you have to experience, and if you don't, you can just write it off as fantasy or mental illness. It's not. This is REAL. And I am like, wow. I can't wait to spread reiki all over!!! I'm totally sold. :)
We learned how to set up crystal grids, psychic surgery, and giving healing attunements. Also, we received another 3rd eye activation -- the final one. I felt that too. While I was receiving my attunement, I felt the energy in the air around me. I felt it rush up through my body. I could feel the energy of the symbols we placed under our chairs like a current. I will never think of symbols, or words, or even THOUGHTS in the same way again -- who ever could have guessed they held so much power? We throw words around like they're nothing. We doodle symbols and wear them and display them without a second thought to their meaning or intention. We are so careless with our thoughts, as if they could never affect our reality.
We are made of energy. Everything in the world is made of energy. Our thoughts and words are energy -- of COURSE they are powerful! But how to communicate this to "muggles"? Hahaha, sorry to steal a Harry Potter reference. How do you convey this new knowledge without being thought a wack-job? I guess you don't. I guess you just live it. My whole world has changed. I am operating from a completely different level of understanding from the people I interact with in my daily life, and it can get lonely. I am so glad I have my sistars, and my reiki soul family. Without them, I would feel so lost.
Honestly, I can't write anymore. My head is so full of ideas, but my heart is sick with worry. I know that nothing can be done right now, so why worry? Why? But how to stop...I don't know.
Greetings! Tomorrow is summer solstice -- the day of my reiki master attunement! I should be so excited, but I'm battling some physical/psychospiritual weirdness.
I do think originally that the rejection from Ramiro triggered a depression. I cried for 3 days about it. Finally, Wednesday night, I realized I really needed to get my shit together. I took a nap and slept too late to make it to the book club meeting. I hadn't even read chapter 4 yet, either. I came home from dropping the kids off and felt hollow -- my whole body was aching as well. I think that part was due to the rainy wetness we've been experiencing all week. I also think that the gloomy rainy weather was compounding the depression.
I had been begging, pleading, praying to the angels/guides/pixies/gods/ancestors/voices in my head for some relief. I was desperate. Finally, I decided to do some reiki on myself with the Sei He Ki emotional healing symbol. I drew the symbol on my crown, heart, and solar plexus chakras and proceeded with the self treatment. I noticed when my hands were in other positions, I felt pressure on the areas I drew the symbol. Afterwards, I felt lighter and happier -- I was actually pretty amazed. It really worked! It definitely seemed to release some blockage, and afterwards I found the motivation to read chapter 4.
That part was mind-blowing, too. This book is a gift from Spirit. I had to finish the end of chapter 3, which talks about not making your decisions "smorgasbord style" and instead figuring out what you're hungry for. That really resonated with me. She said,
"The discrimination which Vasalisa learns as she separates poppy seeds from dirt and mildewed corn from fresh corn, is one of the most difficult things to learn, for it takes spirit, will, and soulfulness and it often means holding out for what one wants. Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in the choice of mates and lovers. A lover cannot be chosen a la smorgasbord. A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving. To choose just because something mouth-watering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self. And that is what intuition is for, it is a direct messenger of the soul."
YES!!! I said the same thing to Ramiro. When I wouldn't instantly commit, he pleaded with me, saying, "I don't want to start talking to other girls!" I told him that I didn't want somebody who just wanted me because he didn't want to be single and I was the first one he saw. I didn't want to be the apple you ate just because you were hungry and I was the first one that fell out of the tree. I wanted to be the apple you saw, up in the very top, and climbed up to get it because there was something special about it. And that was all before I read this chapter -- wild, isn't it???
Then, chapter 4 was all about the perfect mate for the woman with a wildish nature, and what he needs to do to win her over. It was through reading THAT chapter that I realized what I'm hungry for...and what I'm willing to hold out for.
On another note, I feel very ill. :( I don't think it's all emotional. I just finished my period on Friday, and I'm already bleeding again. I'm also very nauseated, which is pretty typical for PMS. But WHY do I have PMS again, already??? This happened in April, too, remember? Well, without the nausea. I wouldn't be so worried, except I've had sex. I should relax, because I wasn't ovulating by Sunday. Leave it to me, though -- some irregular bleeding and nausea, and I'm convinced that I'm either pregnant or have cancer. LOL.
But I did make a doctor's appointment for Monday morning. It will be reassuring to rule all things out. Well, I should get some rest -- big day tomorrow!
Today, I choose Athena, not Aphrodite -- and for very good reason. I have learned over the years that wisdom is far more valuable than beauty, and gives the bearer so much more true happiness. Allow me to explain why I have been comparing the two.
First of all, this girl Ramiro is talking to. She's 19. It made me sick to think about it -- I mean, first of all, he's 29. But it made me think, is that what men prefer? I mean, obviously, yes. Did I seem inferior, as a woman much closer to his age? Do men feel like women have expiration dates, growing less desirable each passing year? Does the sum of a woman's worth lie in her age? What happens when SHE becomes 32? Do you then trade her in and get another 19 year old?
I was bitter. For a moment, it had me regretting my age. I started going through old pictures of myself. The first pangs I felt were...jealousy? Of myself? I don't know. Longing. For something I once had that I don't have anymore, something that, if only I still had it, would make me more appealing.
But I looked closer at the pictures. I put myself back into the times and the situations I had been in when they were taken. All of the feelings I had at those times came rushing back. All of the self-loathing, the insecurity. The fear of speaking my truth. The awkward discomfort around people. The constant comparison of myself to other people. The always coming up short when judging my own value for lack of perfection. The constant rat race to be prettier, be thinner, be sexier -- no matter how good I ever felt about myself, I'd see someone who I thought was prettier, and my confidence would be destroyed.
Those were not happy times. Even though, looking back at the pictures I see that I was beautiful -- I didn't feel beautiful. What good is beauty to a person who feels ugly? I was trying so hard. Trying too hard to be what I thought everyone wanted to be. Uncomfortable in my own skin. When people say that they would like to be 20 again, they don't really mean it -- I don't mean it. If I could look like that again, with the confidence I have now -- sure! But I would be a formidable force. What havoc I could wreak on this world! But honestly, I would rather feel the way I do now than ever go back there for any reason.
Do I wish I was 19? So a guy like Ramiro would want me? No, because if I were 19, he couldn't make me happy. No one could make me happy. No amount of attention or interest could ever fill the giant holes I had in myself at age 19. In fact, I remember those times. I was as miserable as I've ever been. In fact, I even checked out her Facebook. There was a picture of her showing off her flat tummy, but beneath it was a comment saying how she thinks she's fat. What good is it? Why would I want to look like that, if I'm still going to hate myself inside?
Today, I am 32. Today, I love myself so much. Today, I know who I am and what I like and I do what makes me happy. I honor my body and my intuition. I follow my bliss and say what I feel. I am finally comfortable with ME, and I would never trade that for anything. No place in my life has been happier than the place I am now, despite all the things I have had that are supposed to make one happy. Don't fool yourself, they don't.
Someday, someone will connect with me on a deeper level. They will see all the things about me that ARE beautiful, inside and out. They will treasure the wisdom and joie de vivre I have gained over the past 10 years. They will appreciate the worth of the depths of insight and compassion I have breached throughout my time in the trenches of my 20's. That person...who would find her more valuable than the person who stands before you today? Who would prefer the hollow shell of a woman to this fierce creature, bursting with life? No one I would want to be with, that's for certain!
That last entry, the Sekhmet one, had to have been over a week ago. It was just before the full moon because I had just started my period. By the way, the full moon ritual was LOVELY -- we did yoga out in Danielle's backyard and a drawing down the moon meditation. I really enjoyed it.
Let's see, that was...Wednesday, maybe? No. It was Thursday. See, Wednesday I had agreed to Facetime with Ramiro. I hadn't spoken with him in a while, and to be honest here, I was kind of playing with him a little bit. I wasn't interested in him, but I looked so good after I got my hair cut that I sent him a picture. Does that sound vain? It probably is. The ugly truth is, I have this inner craving to be admired and adored. I like to feel desired, even if it's from someone that I don't want.
So anyway, we Facetimed. He still seemed really into me, and I was still pretty much blowing him off. He was telling me about how there's something about me, and I laughed and told him the only reason he's so into me is because he can't catch me. He's an Aries, and those fire signs love to pursue. So when you're trying to run away, it only makes them want to catch you more. But you know what they say about playing with fire....I totally got burned.
After the ritual Thursday, I stalked Ramiro's facebook and saw that he had added a few girls. I had agreed to see him Saturday, but Friday came and went and I heard nothing from him, so I assumed he had moved on and I shrugged it off. No big deal. Then Saturday he tells me he has to work late and won't be able to come, and can he see me Sunday? Well first, I knew it was a lie, so I was insulted. Secondly, I didn't want to see him anyway! I honestly didn't. So I told him to just forget about it and I didn't hear anything until Sunday.
I was at work and he texted me, "Hey babe how's your day" like nothing had happened. I said, first of all, I'm not your babe. Then he asked if he was still coming over at 5 and I said NO! He kept begging me throughout the day, and honestly I was feeling sexually frustrated, so finally on my way home I said okay. The weirdest thing about this whole thing was that I had a dream Sunday morning about having super kinky sex with him next to a pool. So then...
I get home, I take a shower and put some makeup on. I put on a slutty dress and some high heels. This was only about sex. I figured I might as well enjoy myself. He got there, and something seemed different. I don't know how to explain this! I honestly don't know what even happened. The first time he had come, I had been a little disappointed, to be honest. He hadn't looked like his pictures, and while he was still attractive in person, I just didn't feel any attraction toward him. Do you know what I mean? I didn't think he was ugly, he just didn't do it for me in person.
But Sunday. Oh my god. I still don't know what was different. I couldn't stop staring. It wasn't just how he looked, though. Something was different about him. The first time he had been here, he kept asking me what I thought about him, and did I like him, and when could he be my boyfriend, and would I ever want to have another baby. It was all such a turn-off, he had been trying so hard. Now I know that by Sunday he had been talking to someone else, and I really honestly think that he didn't care anymore, and that's why he was suddenly so irresistible to me. It's fucked up, right? He had this new attitude. It was confident. He was more aggressive. He didn't beg me or flatter me or kiss my ass. And I fucking loved it.
We had sex and I felt like crying afterward. Why? I don't know. I was picking up on some subtle energy shift. I can always feel when someone is pulling away emotionally, and it's the most wretched helpless feeling ever in the world. Because of course, the harder you try to pull them back, the more it pushes them away even further. There's nothing you can do. And I sensed it -- he was gone, and I was falling for him. Oh my god. It was so awful.
He came up behind me and put his arms around my waist in the kitchen and I almost melted. He grabbed my chin and leaned in and kissed me, and I felt this electricity go through me. All of these things I never felt with him the first time. And the sex, it was as good as the best I've ever had. Coming from me, that's saying a lot. So, he spent the night. In the morning, he seemed anxious to leave. He kissed me, but it felt obligatory. In fact, he had gone out to start his car....who does that in the summer? You don't have to start your car before you leave! He was eager to leave, and I knew it. He didn't say anything, but I knew something was wrong. And after he left, I just cried.
Later on, I made a fool out of myself by texting him and asking if he was still interested in me. He said yes, but that he knew I was not interested in him and that's okay. So I told him I felt something different now and asked if he would be interested in dating. He said we could see what happens, and I was overjoyed -- but then I didn't hear anything at all for the rest of the day. Finally he texted me late at night and said he was sorry but he's talking to someone who lives near him and I guess we're not meant to be. Karma!!!! Oh my god, after rejecting him for TWO WEEKS, finally I start falling for him and he rejects ME. Do you have any idea how much this hurts???? Shit, I have cried so much over the past few days. I haven't cried over a man since Noe. What the fuck??!!
The worst part is, I don't even know what I'm feeling. Do I only want him because he doesn't want me? He was crazy about me for two weeks and I felt NOTHING. Why did I suddenly feel something when he didn't want me anymore? Do I just want what I can't have? Do I REALLY like him, or is my brain telling me I do just because I know he doesn't like me and I can't stand it? I was so sure last week that I didn't want a relationship with him. At all. None of my reasons have changed, so what DID?
The reason I'm analyzing this so much is because I really have to figure out how to overcome this. I'm a wreck. I can't stop crying. I feel sick. This is so horrible!!! I feel like a powerless prisoner of my irrational emotions. I don't even know what to do. I stopped doing yoga. I started smoking again. I feel some kind of emptiness inside me that wasn't there before. I was HAPPY without a man, I felt complete and whole. Now, I feel empty and lonely and sad.
On a final note, I'm going to end this entry by stating that I have come to the conclusion that casual sex is a very bad idea. I've been doing it for 17 years without any issues. I can typically have sex with a guy without getting attached like most girls do -- but somehow, I think that has changed. I think it's the sex that's confusing my brain. The first time he was here, I was still closed off. But then I had my reiki 2 attunement and I think that changed me too. The 2nd attunement is supposed to open up your heart chakra. Where normally I keep that tightly closed and don't let anyone in emotionally, when he came over the second time, it was wide open.
You read about the hormone oxytocin, and about how girls can not separate love and sex while men can. I've never had that issue, but somehow intuitively I can sense that I can no longer just sleep with whoever without any repercussions. I've been writing in this blog for a long time, and you know that I am all about freedom and liberation and the right of a woman to live her life any way she chooses. I am not judging any woman who indulges herself sexually in any way she chooses, as often as she pleases, with whomever she desires. I am only realizing that for my own emotional health, I need to be so much more careful now about who I share my body with.
Is it a coincidence that the Egyptian goddess of war and divine retribution also rules over menstruation? Hahaha, I think not. For all the negative flak that comes along with getting your period, I think we can all agree that this is a time that a woman will take no shit. You fuck with me during this time and there WILL be war.
It's not all anger, though. I feel fully in my power during my moon time. I am more sensitive, both psychically and emotionally. The first two days I usually take off from yoga due to fatigue, but when I return still in my flow, I find that I am more flexible. I have more conviction. Less patience for bullshit. I am less inclined to play games or to sit sweetly and be quiet. To hell with social conventions, fuck "being a lady". I'll say it like it is.
BUT, it's not like I'm out roaming the streets, up in everybody's face, telling them where to shove it. I generally keep to myself, and I've been trying to incorporate more self-nurturing into my moon time (like herbal baths, relaxing with a book and a cup of tea, self-healing reiki, extra sleep, etc). I even bought a red bracelet to wear as a way to honor my womanhood and also as a signal to others to approach me with caution. ;)
I have learned so much about life just by stepping back and observing the simple things I do every day. Jewel had lice, and I was so pissed off at those motherfucking bugs. I was thinking about it, though, and it's not the louse's fault that it was born a louse. Crawling on our heads and feeding on our blood is in their nature. It isn't something they do to us out of dislike or anger. That's just what they do. They just want to live. (I'm not proposing we let lice roam free on our heads, oh no, never that!) What I AM saying, though, is...we are kind of like lice.
We are drilling holes in Mother Earth, fracking, mining, releasing poisonous gases into the air...imagine if the earth is her scalp, and all this fucked up shit we're doing to better ourselves is hurting HER. If your head was a planet, and there were little inhabitants blowing shit up, drilling holes, and fucking up the eco-system...you'd have no sympathy for them, would you? KILL THEM ALL! That's how we feel when we get lice.
When there are natural disasters, religious people wonder, "Why, God? Why me??? Why would a loving god let so many people die in that flood/hurricane/fire/earthquake/tsunami/tornado??? Those people just wanted to live, that's all!" Does anyone wonder why a loving god would allow mass extermination of the lice and the roaches that "just wanted to live"? Maybe to US, our lives are more important...but how to we know that there is any distinction in the eyes of "god"? No one is exempt from the life/death/life cycles. It's not fair for anyone, or anything. What is survival for one species is destruction (or irritation) for another. We just need to keep it in balance.
So, as usual, I went off on a bit of a tangent. I also wanted to talk about reaching goals. I've always struggled with acceptance, but yoga is helping me learn the meaning.
*I started this entry a while ago and saved it, intended to return and finish my thought about acceptance. But that never happened and I have a new entry for today.
Hi! Is there a goddess of WORK? Nonstop WORKING? I volunteered for this, but I had no way to predict how much it would take out of me. I worked on both my days off for overtime and I'm staying until 7pm on Monday night. I'm exhausted. I didn't think answering the phones could take so much out of you, but it's mentally draining.
*BEEP* "I want to cancel my service" *BEEP* "I fucking hate Charter, come get your shit out of my house NOW" *BEEP* "You people raised my rate" *BEEP* "My DVR doesn't work" *BEEP* "I'm on a fixed income" *BEEP* "I want a credit on my bill" *BEEP* "You care about your new customers more than your loyal ones" *BEEP* "The NSA is spying on me through my cable box" (Yes, I have really had that call -- twice) *BEEP* "I'm moving" *BEEP* "My mom is dead" *BEEP* "I'm not paying for that asshole's cable anymore" *BEEP* "I didn't order those pornos" (Yeah, I'm sure the pay per view totally ordered itself. Yup. I believe you. NOT)
On the bright side, though, my next check will be NICE -- it will have fifteen hours of overtime at $21 each, along with my commission -- which is actually a super good thing because I just got a letter from the secretary of state saying my license is suspended and I need to pay NOW or I'll go to jail if they catch me driving. YIKES. And being that I live in Wayland and there's no real crime here so they pull you over for things like not scraping your back window (yes, it happened to me), I really need to stop messing around.
So let me tell you about the awesomeness! I was torn between two lives, the life with the sister circle and my life as a mom. Since no kids were allowed at circles, I felt like it was selfish if I ever took time away from the kids to be with the circle, but I also felt discontent when I missed time with the circle because I had the kids. A solution presented itself. At the new moon, Shauna made an announcement that a lot of things were changing and one of them is that children can now attend, just like they would in church. This makes my heart celebrate.
More awesomeness -- yesterday, I was at Festival of the Arts with Jewel. We were strolling down the side streets, looking at the vendors. Actually we were specifically looking for Jillian because I wanted some henna. I saw a booth selling spring rolls and noodles with a banner that said, "GREAT WISDOM MEDITATION CENTER". I passed it twice before it clicked that THAT is the name of the temple here in Wayland that I tried to go to but freaked out because it was someone's house. So, I got in line and ordered some noodles. I asked the girl if they were in Wayland and she said yes. I told her what had happened and she told me they are building a new temple this summer, and to come! Perfect!!! Maybe by the time it's built, I will have a schedule with Sundays off.
Even MORE awesomeness, today is my birthday. Yeahhhhh. It's a pretty great day, even taking into account the letter from the SOS. I was trying to plan my budget, and that letter pretty much took the guesswork out of the equation. Now there's no doubt about what I'm doing.
Jewel and I listened to Shawna's husband's band The Muteflutes (they were sooooo good!!!) and Skankadank, which includes Danielle's husband, Maria's boyfriend/fiancee, and Jamie -- a fellow sistar. I feel like I kind of need a musician boyfriend or girlfriend. I would really like that a lot, in fact. I picture someone playing his/her guitar for me next to a bonfire....ahhhh, that would be the life :)
BAAAAHAHAHA! I googled "Goddess of Birthdays" to choose a goddess for today, and this link came up to input your birthday and get your goddess. Mine was LILITH! That's too perfect. I love Lilith, Adam's first wife who refused to submit and basically said fuck you I'm not beneath you, I'm outta here. Hell yeah. A woman who needs no man, which we all know by now are the goddesses I adore most of all. :)
http://www.fractal-timewave.com/mmgc/find-your-goddess.php
So today I chose Shakti, Hindu goddess of primal energy. There is really some kind of awakening of primal energy happening to me right now. If I may admit this privately here, I'm a little scared. I mean, I know everything's under control. I'm just a little awestruck. That doesn't mean I want it to stop -- I just find my head swirling with questions, and I can't make sense of what is happening or why. I love to analyze everything, my ego loves logical explanations, but in this case there is no rational response from anywhere to appease me.
I come across as a very open-minded person, right? I WANT to be. But really, I'm so skeptical! Like when I went to go have a reading from Karen -- I expected some hocus-pocus, vague answers that anyone could have pulled from anywhere. She astounded me with the things she knew and had no way of knowing, but inside me will always live that doubter. I don't know why. Is it fear?
Anyway, the first night after my reiki 2 attunement, I took a short nap. Like a micro-sleep. Those happen to me quite often when I'm manic, and it's a very strange sleep I go into -- it's like SO deep, instantly, then it's over SO fast. It really feels like a downloading session. It's like I am aware of what's going on around my body, and I know that I'm lying in bed and can sense everything around me, but my mind goes somewhere else while still being conscious of this dimension. It's super hard to explain but super weird. Anyway, so that was happening and my palms were BURNING. In the center of each palm, just on fire. It hurt. I said to myself, wow, I just can't doubt reiki anymore (because, despite WANTING to believe it worked, I really didn't).
Then, last night, I had this crazy dream. Again, part of me was there in my bed and knew what was going on around me. The other part of me was experiencing this incredible powerful overwhelming SURGE of energy through my body. It was so strong, I almost couldn't handle it. It felt like I was really, really high and just out of control. The energy kept rushing and it was so intense. I was afraid. I kept telling myself that reiki can never do any harm, and that I was safe. I knew it would be over soon and I'd be back in my body, so I was just trying to hang in there until it ended. I don't know what it means. I had a similar experience when I was pregnant with Sienna, my spine felt electrocuted and I woke up vibrating. My whole body was VIBRATING. I was afraid then, and I'm a little...intrigued now. I can't say afraid. I'm not afraid. I just don't understand it.
Anyway, that's that. I am on day 8 of my 30 day green smoothie challenge, and I'm committed to daily yoga in June. Hey, Peace Fest is just over a month away and I want to be looking my best. After all, I'm going alone this year and you never know who I might meet.
The green smoothies are good, I've been mixing and matching blueberries, bananas, kale, spinach, coconut or almond milk, coconut oil, hemp seed oil, chia seeds, agave syrup, maca powder, spirulina, ashwagandha, raspberries, strawberries, kiwi, and avocado. I tried to cut up some mango to freeze but....fail. I don't know how to cut a mango. I tried to do it like an avocado -- go to the pit, go around the pit, and pull the two halves apart. Yeah, I ended up with mango mush and juice running down my arms. It was a disaster. The first day it was so awful, I almost vomited. I still felt nauseated when I got to work. I had put way too much spirulina, and just a banana for fruit. The second day I added blueberries and cut down the spirulina. The third day I added agave syrup....muuuuuuuch better.
I also made these chia no-bakes, they were amazing! They have coconut oil, peanut butter, cacao powder, oats, honey or agave syrup, vanilla, and chia seeds. Tristan LOOOOVES them.
I did ten hours of overtime this week (5 hours on each day off) so I haven't had a day off and won't get one until Tuesday. That's okay, it's Wednesday now, and it's GOOD money. I have to save up for my Reiki Master attunement, which is $325. Also I sense some car repairs coming up along the way, so I had better be prepared for that. Oh yeah, and my birthday is Saturday so you know what that means...happy birthday to me, I get to renew my plates. It's all good, though! My life flows with abundance. Everything I need comes to me in the right way at the right time. :)
Yeah, that's right! I'M a goddess! What? Hahahaha.
No, but seriously. I'm feeling pretty awesome right now! I got my Reiki 2 attunement yesterday and I feel amaaaaazing. I'm a person who's going to tell it like it is -- if I felt it, I felt it. If it didn't work, meh. I admit that too, no matter how much I wish it did.
It was strange because my first attunement felt pretty uneventful (until afterward). I had no visuals in my meditation. I didn't really feel the energy, either from others to me or from me to others. I felt like a dud. Afterward, though, things were intense -- I had intense dreams, night sweats, and I went through a period of upheaval and a slight emotional crisis. This time, though, I noticed something different even BEFORE the attunement.
First of all, I was a completely different person showing up for Reiki 2 than I was just a month ago for Reiki 1. That day, I was TERRIFIED. I was scared of everyone, unsure of myself, awkward and uncomfortable. It was hard for me to hold conversations with people. It was painful for me to interact. I really so desperately wanted to crawl into a shell and just disappear. I just didn't feel GOOD ENOUGH. I didn't want these people to "see" me, because I felt that if they did, they would see my flaws and judge me unworthy.
This time, I was still a bit more shy, but I felt OPEN. Conversation didn't feel forced and clumsy. I didn't chastise myself after everything I said for how stupid it must have sounded. I just felt at ease, and at home. I felt like a part of things rather than some misfit outsider. I realized I belonged. It was only then that I realized how much of a shift has occurred in me since my first attunement. Then, Karen guided us in a meditation. The feelings were so much more powerful, I was taken aback! I didn't have to imagine feeling a certain way, or convince myself that something was happening.
The most astounding part was when she told us that our reiki guide would step forward. I was waiting for it to just happen, expecting it not to. Things like that don't usually just spontaneously appear in my mind, I always feel like I have to pretend. But I wanted my experience to be authentic, so I told myself that it would either happen on its own or not at all. Then suddenly, completely unexpectedly, a bright purple symbol flashed in my inner vision. It startled me so much that I gasped. Before I had time to try to figure out what I had seen, she stepped forward. I really felt her presence. To be honest with you, though, I don't know who it was. I thought at the time that it was Bast. For some reason, I couldn't really see her face but I got a feline energy and I knew it was an elegant cat-like goddess of some sort. Down to earth but regal. Now that I think about it, kind of like me. Kind of like a cat -- seemingly aloof and standoffish, but really full of love and affection. Independent, but loving. Guarded but gentle.
Anyway, the whole day was amazing. Everything felt great, we learned about empowering crystals, and I really felt my self-confidence. I came home and looked at my vision board and was startled to see that since I made it in January, most of the goals have been getting completed. In the upper left hand corner, I had "Learn Reiki". Well look. In the middle, "Vegetarian Cooking" -- Janessa just dropped off a vegetarian cookbook like 5 days ago. There was a picture of the sister circle and another picture of a stone that said "Friendship" -- the sister circle has been revived and Shauna just at the last new moon made the declaration that we were getting started back up with sabbats and esbats -- and children are now welcome! A picture of tea, and I have been drinking more. Establish healthy habits -- my house is full of healthy things, and I quit smoking, and I hardly drink. Pictures of yoga, I established a regular committed yoga practice. Lots of pictures of being a good mom, and having more time with my kids. It. Is. All. HAPPENING! I'm really amazed and frankly a little creeped out. But I LOVE it. Oh yeah! And there was a picture of a crystal grid, and guess what we're learning to do in the reiki master class? Yeah, that's right!!!
I am on day 4 of the 30 day green smoothie challenge. I've been using various combinations of almond milk, blueberries, bananas, coconut oil, hemp seed oil, hemp protein, maca, spirulina, ashwagandha, coffee (bad idea), agave syrup, and chia seeds. I love how great I feel. The first day smoothie was positively AWFUL though -- I learned to cut down the amount of spirulina and add a little agave syrup. MMMMM this journey of health is a very fulfilling one. I love my life!!!!
