Ceres

This is Ceres, Roman mother earth goddess.  I chose this goddess today because I'm feeling environmentally friendly, but also because I liked the art.  It's amazing to me how the depiction of feminine beauty has morphed over the years.  I yearn to return to a healthy and realistic idea of beauty.  For me to look at THIS -- soft stomach, pale skin, average sized breasts, normal thighs -- and know that it was once our idea of what a goddess look like, makes me wonder what happened.

At the same time, though, despite liposuction and breast implants and tanning beds and collagen injections and tummy tucks -- I see our society shifting back toward a much healthier body image of women.  I see more ads featuring REAL women, more trends of makeup-free selfies and un-retouched/airbrushed photos of celebrities and models.  More attention has been called to the behind-the-scenes altering of photos in magazines, and women are responding to it overwhelmingly that we don't want it. 

I can't speak for every woman, but it makes me feel so much better about myself to look at a picture of a real woman, flaws and all, than to compare myself to an impossible photoshopped standard.  Even when you know those photos aren't "real", you still find yourself getting depressed because your skin isn't that clear, your waist isn't that small, your breasts aren't that perky, your hair isn't that full, etc.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  I am happy with who I am.  I feel beautiful in my own skin, cellulite and stretch marks and acne and wrinkles and all.  Don't shove this idea in my face that beautiful is the absence of all of these things.  

In the same vein, this is another reason why I am so much happier single.  I was thinking about that as I was driving today.  In a few weeks, I'm getting a new haircut -- a drastic change.  It's going to be a blonde asymmetrical cut with streaks of purple.  The best feeling ever is not having to worry about regretting it -- why would I regret it?  Who is there to judge it?  Who would be disappointed?  I used to be so careful about what I wore, and what I ate, and how I did my hair because I felt like I had to look a certain way to remain appealing to my partner.  I felt like I had to live to please this person, and that my choices weren't really MY choices because I also had to take his opinion into consideration.

Well fuck that.  I live for ME, I look good for ME, and as long as I approve, it doesn't really matter if anyone disagrees.  I am my own woman.  I belong to myself.  I don't shave my legs anymore, and I don't give a fuck.  I'm doing whatever to my hair, and I don't care if it looks awful.  It'll grow back.  I wear whatever I want, sometimes I don't wear makeup, sometimes I go out in public showing a little too much skin -- but there's no angry jealous man telling me I better put some clothes on.  This is really a wonderful, liberating, joyous feeling.

I think I had the flu for the past 3 days, or something like it.  I had flu-like symptoms, but I'm feeling much better today.  I was nauseated, I had body aches, I was tired, and I had a wicked sore throat.  It's mostly cleared up now, but I did miss 2 extra days of yoga.  I had Saturday off as per usual, so that doesn't count.  Sunday when I got home from the book club meeting, I tried, but I couldn't even make it ten minutes.  Monday was a new moon, so that's a moon day, and that doesn't count either.  But yesterday I was sick and just skipped it.

Overall, though, April went well.  It was "Ashtanga April", and other than those two days, I followed through with a dedicated practice.  

Today I made some homemade deodorant with coconut oil, baking soda, cornstarch, and lavender and tea tree essential oils.  I think next time I will use less oils and possibly add shea butter, but it held up through 90 minutes of yoga so I'll call it a win.  I'm about to make some guacamole now, so I'll post again another day!

Oshun

This is the river goddess Oshun.  I think of her as the African version of Aphrodite.  According to the website I got her picture from, she "had many relationships with the male orishas.  These included Chango, Orula, Ogun, Inle, Agallu, and Asojano.  With her sensual and sexual ways, Oshun would conquer any man or obstacle that laid in her way.  This orisha is not or was not a whore, it is that Oshun loved to take what she wanted and if by having a relationship with a man was one of them, then she would get what she wanted."

I identify with this.  A woman who enjoys her sexuality is given many labels, and I think I'm as familiar with those as a woman can be.  But those are not my labels and they do not define me.  The perceptions others have of me are not my reality.  If someone eats whenever he or she is hungry, others may label him or her as a pig.  If someone indulges in drugs or alcohol when the fancy strikes, he or she may be called an addict.  

Of course, I think the key is moderation.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying earthly pleasures, after all we were given senses for a reason and we should celebrate these gifts of life.  It's not how MUCH you do, or how OFTEN you do it.  It's all the intent behind your actions, what is driving you to do it, and only you can know the answer as to whether it's excess or not.  

If you are doing drugs because you feel like you NEED to, you are trying to fill a hole, you are looking for them to give you something that you are lacking, then this behavior is reckless.  But if you're already at a good place in life, mentally and emotionally healthy, and you make the choice to expand your consciousness or tap into your inner bliss with the assistance of mind-altering substances, I think that's okay.  We are meant to have a wide range of experiences.  I think the key is just to not depend on them.

I don't think having sex is wrong.  I don't think having multiple partners is wrong.  What made MY past pattern of sexuality wrong was that I was using it to feel human connection.  I was using it to soothe loneliness.  I could not feel worthy or lovable without some physical confirmation that I was desirable.  And so for that reason, because I did not enter into the experience already whole and fulfilled, my behavior was unhealthy.  For me.

Anyway, I was supposed to have a date with Hector (I know, I know) on Saturday and I totally planned on sleeping with him.  It was guaranteed to happen.  But then Thursday night he lied to me and I never talked to him again.  I think it was really just an excuse on my part, I don't think I actually want to get close to anyone.  As soon as a person lies to me, they're done -- Emmanuel, when he lied to me about Juanita.  DONE.  Randy, when he lied to me about Krissi.  DONE.  Hector, when he lied to me about not getting my text (we both have iPhones so I knew exactly what time he had read it).  DONE DONE DONE.  

I know it sounds petty.  But if you're going to lie to me about something stupid and little right away, I'm moving on.  I was talking to one guy on the dating site and his profile said he was an Aries, but when he told me his birthday I realized he was really a Taurus, which means he put the wrong birthday on his profile.  Why???  Why lie?  DONE.

Anyway, yesterday was a new moon and I had a nice little ritual on my own.  I just got a new round tarot deck called the Circle of Life Tarot (it's gorgeous!!!) so I smudged it, reiki-d it, lit some candles and incense, and sat in reverence for a few moments before doing a reading for myself.  I felt the reiki in my palms AND feet.  I felt at peace.  It was a very nice way to reset.

Thursday is Beltane and I am celebrating with the sister circle, I am so excited!  I still have the little egg that I wrote my intentions on for Ostara, and I'm pretty much just affirming the same intentions.  I got in touch with a girl on Facebook who lives near my daughter about getting involved in a community garden she is starting.  I'm so excited!  I'm so happy!  I'm so blessed!!!  

Between my kids, the job, the sister circle, the reiki, the sabbats and esbats, the book club, the community garden, the yoga, better family relationships, the shamanic journey group, and my unstoppable fierce determination to forge ahead no matter the obstacles...I am on FIRE.  This was definitely reflected in my reading last night, which included Strength, the Queen AND the Knave of Wands (fire), and the 7 of Wands.

Cerridwen

This day has been truly magical, right up to this very moment.  I am truly tuned in, and it is marvelous!  It also just so happens that my mania has already returned, after a devastating (albeit short) descent into the abyss of a deep depression.  Furthermore, it is a full moon on Tuesday.

Why Cerridwen?  Five minutes ago, I didn't even know the answer to that question.  Tonight was the book club meeting, and I just returned.  I came here to blog about it, and as I was trying to figure out which goddess to choose, the name "Cerridwen" popped in my head.  Now, I have heard of Cerridwen -- about 8 years ago.  And even then, I knew very little about her.  Whatever I DID know, I had forgotten by today.

When I went to get the picture, though, a Wikipedia entry caught my eye.  Check it out -- 

"Within Celtic Mythology the wolf was revered as the companion ofCerridwen, godddess of the Moon and fertility."  !!!  

THE WOLF.  We are reading WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES.  Woah.

Anyway, I have a lot to talk about and I don't want this to run too long.  

In summary, Karen told me her bank wouldn't accept my check for the reiki class on Wednesday night.  Thursday, Rachel gave me shit about having Tristan one more day during the week.  THEN, on the way home, I realized I was going to run out of gas.  I planned to get off the exit near my sister's house to borrow some gas money, but then Rachel started texting me saying that she thought our agreement for summer was to keep the same schedule we have now -- that I would only have Tristan on my days off.  Um, NO!  We agreed to transition him, what the hell are you talking about now?  I was firm about it and said I want him Monday night to Thursday morning at least.  She then retorted with, "Well you do realize that without us, Andrew gets 50/50, right?"  

I am so tired of her fear-mongering and manipulating me into compliance by playing on my fears.  I am on to her.  I told her if I need to hire a lawyer  to go against Andrew, I will.  I'm not scared anymore.  And really, I'm not -- what's the worst that could happen?  Andrew gets 50/50?  That's not so bad, really -- because then so do I.  I already have plans to have a lawyer retained by the end of summer.  I figured out that with commission, I make about $37,000 a year.  That's something to be grateful for!  I've documented the whole thing here in this blog, too -- from the bottom to the top.  I'm not done climbing, either!

Oh, yeah.  I forgot to mention that because of my stress and distraction from arguing with Rachel on my way home Thursday night, I completely forgot about getting off the highway.  I just kept driving until I ran out of gas on the side of the road.  Then, I noticed my phone only had the faintest sliver of battery.  And my charger doesn't work.

Long story short, I sat in my car for two hours until some random gentleman who thankfully did not murder me let me use his phone to call my mom.  By the time I got home, I was a wreck, and I bawled my eyes out on the yoga mat.  Afterward, though, as I laid in savasana, I suddenly felt a tingly feeling.  

I have been really frustrated with myself because I couldn't feel my reiki flow.  I did everything the way I was supposed to, but my hands never tingled.  They never got hot.  I didn't feel like I was channeling anything.  I kept beating myself up, wondering why I just couldn't do anything right.

It wasn't until that moment of complete surrender and emotional release that I seriously, honest-to-goodness, swear on my grandmother's grave, felt a tingly buzzing in the center of each palm.  Apparently, I'm just too uptight, and I've been inhibiting my own flow.  Once those walls come down, the energy comes out -- now I just need to learn how to make that happen intentionally.

The book club meeting was great, I'm so delighted that I have finally found my sisterhood, my tribe.  I practiced my listening skills and was pleased to find that I was able to just listen without planning what I would say next, I did not interrupt, and I did not dominate the conversation.  I also showed interest in what others shared rather than turning the focus back to me, me, me.  

I'm going to be honest, although in this case the truth isn't very flattering to me.  I often do continually shift the topic of conversation to myself.  Since becoming aware of it, though, I have tried to remain conscious of it and committed to changing.  I am definitely more in the moment and am really working on releasing my fear and anxiety.  I have a long way to go, baby -- but I've come so far, and for that I am grateful.

Just for Today...

This isn't a goddess, well not in the traditional sense.  This is Frida Kahlo, and I'll explain later why I chose this picture.  First, though, I MUST tell you what just happened!

I was standing at the kitchen table, where my Reiki binder is.  I picked it up and recited the Reiki principles:

I  got done and turned around to grab my coffee from underneath my Keurig.  I stopped.  I gasped.  Forgive me, it is dirty...if I had planned on taking this picture, I would have cleaned it first.  But I wanted to get a real time picture of what I saw, right in that moment:

Yeah, dude.  For REAL.  Now, that is the only coffee cup I have, and I have had it for over a year.  One of the  girls in the sister circle gave it to me after I had Sienna.  Weirddddd, right???

Something inside of me is changing.  I can feel it.  I feel more like the observer, I feel like I am responding rather than reacting.  People -- ahem, RACHEL -- who once triggered me no longer do.  I am thinking so much more clearly.  I'm not letting things outside of my control stress me out.  I'm taking each moment as it comes.

I thought more about that last night -- how we always tell ourselves "I will be happy WHEN...".  But when that thing happens, there is some other problem that is seemingly impeding us on our path to happiness.  But happiness is not a destination.  Happiness is a state of mind you carry with you throughout the entire journey, the dark spots and the happy places.  It is not contingent on circumstances.  It is possible always.  

I have this theory that in our lives, in the world and in the universe, there has always been and always will be the exact same amount of light and darkness.  It's not a battle between good and evil, because neither side will ever win.  It's about the "bad" being used to bring about change and transformation.  With no contrast, there would be stasis.  Furthermore -- try to follow me here -- every "bad" has a "good" side, and every "good" has a "bad" element.  EVERYTHING is EVERYTHING.  

My mom likes to say some people are bad, I disagree.  I feel that we are all made up of the same thing, and we are all equally worthy.  For a while I even said we shouldn't judge individuals as "bad" or "good", but CHOICES.  Upon further introspection, though, I still don't feel like that's accurate.  Every good choice has a tinge of badness, every negative decision has a hint of positive.  It gets complicated the more I analyze it, but I find peace in surrender and being the best me that I can be in every given moment.

So, Frida.  I watched that movie again a couple nights ago and it touched a nerve...a nerve that I thought wasn't there.  Remember how I was just talking about how I didn't feel any attachments anymore?  Apparently, I doth protesteth too much.  Now, let's be clear -- the feeling I have HAS changed, and I DO feel that it's much healthier than I was before.  When I ask myself, would I want to see him again?  Would I want to talk to him?  I don't feel a draw or a pull to do that.  I don't feel like I'm resisting any urge to contact him.  It isn't there.  But, what IS there?  

I have fought for so long against feelings of guilt that I care.  I have tried to purge them from my system, to convince myself that this person is unworthy of love and that no self-respecting woman would harbor any care for someone so evil.  It's shameful.  But, you know what?  In the interest of being authentic, and raw, and honest -- I'm going to be real.  I saw the good in him.  Despite the fact that my heart can't handle the torment that it is to be involved with someone so toxic, I know he has value as a human being.  I do still care -- from a distance -- and wish the very very best for him.

Oh!  Speaking of dating -- OMG guess WHAT.  Hector has a fucking DUI.  Oh, no, I'm sorry -- that's not quite right.  He has TWO.  Okay seriously...Raul had 2 DUIs.  Carlos had one.  Emmanuel was on parole and he didn't have a license but I'm not sure if he had a DUI or not.  WHAT.THE.FUCK.???  I think the online dating world is the haven for guys who don't fucking drive!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Now, I  try not to be judgmental.  After all, my license was suspended for quite some time, and I didn't have a car for two years.  But as a mother, I really have a problem with the fact someone would get behind the wheel and put the lives of others -- the innocent CHILDREN of others -- at risk, knowing they're drunk and just not giving a shit.  

Oh, so Frida.  Well, I watched that movie again a few nights ago.  I had seen it before, about 9 years ago with Juliea, but things have changed since then and it meant something to me now.  Frida was in an accident and broke her pelvis (as did I) and had to learn to walk again (as did I).  Granted, hers was much more serious than mine.  While she was recovering, her boyfriend left her (as did mine -- for my best friend).  Then she fell in love with Diego Rivera, who had been divorced twice.

Hmmmm.  He tells her he is not capable of being faithful, and she pretends she's okay with that.  She tries to be progressive and says she loves him for who he is, and that's just who he is -- how can she love him for something he's not?  Which I can respect.  Except it really DOES bother her.  They get married, and in the morning there is breakfast on the table.  Frida finds out that Diego's ex wife is living in the same house, with their two children, and SHE is the one who cooked the breakfast.  She gets pissed off and throws the plates.  She confronts Lupe and they become friends over shots at the kitchen table.

Lupe tells Frida that Diego has never belonged to anyone, will never belong to anyone besides himself, and will never be anyone's husband.  Frida says, we'll see.  And, of course, she does.  Finally, though, he sleeps with her sister and it breaks her heart.  She leaves him, and she tells him, "I have had two accidents in my life -- the trolley, and you.  And you are by far the worst".  Anyway, they get divorced but she's still in love with him and they end up getting back together and blah blah blah.  It's clear to see that they ARE mad about each other, despite the fact that he always sleeps with other women.  (So does she, though -- she's bisexual as well, just like I am.)

A thought occurred to me as I was weeping at the end of the movie.  I have been Frida Kahlo, and I have loved Diego Rivera.

Press Pause

Today's goddess serves a couple purposes.  First, I have officially hit a depression.  The manic episode lasted a long time, though, right?  I mean, like two months!  At least it felt like it.  I almost thought I was never coming down again.  That would have been nice...but alas, it wasn't the case.

I don't know how much of this is mental, how much is biochemical, and how much is spiritual.  The reason I wonder is because this shift into depression happened directly after my reiki attunement.  Karen warned us that we may experience a "healing response" -- that things may get worse before they get better, old pain may surface in order to give us the opportunity to work through it.  I'm just not really sure how I'm supposed to work through this.  I feel flat.  Blahhh. I haven't woken up early for yoga since Friday morning (since I take Saturdays off anyway).  I'm still doing it, just not at 5:15 like I was.

Anyway, Lupe is the goddess of pain and distress.  She is one of the sister goddesses the Algea, daughters of Eris.  They were the bringers of weeping and tears.  But the other reason I chose Lupe is because, hello -- she's a wolf goddess.  And what is the book club reading right now?  Women Who Run With the Wolves: Mythes and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype.  !!! Our first meeting is Sunday and I'm verrrrrrrry excited.  Well, as excited as I can be with barely any emotion to speak of.

The thing is, though, although this is a "low" -- it's not BAD.  I can handle it.  I still feel optimistic, I just don't have as much energy as before.  I'm not so bubbly and high-strung, but I'm not necessarily UNHAPPY.  I just don't feel as intensely -- not anything, not joy OR rage.  So I wouldn't say that I went from positive to negative.  I would just say the intensity dial of my life force was just turned down a bit.  And maybe this is necessary to allow me to slow down and do some inner work.  I will be grateful for it.

And to be honest, my "high" was about to get me in trouble.  Perhaps it was time for it to end.  I was texting like 4 guys and I was really thisclose to breaking my self-imposed temporary celibacy.  The next time I have sex, I really want it to mean something.  I want it to have been something worth waiting for.  And waiting, I have been doing!  

I started talking to that one crazy guy, the one who calls me Florecita (which I kind of like) and tells me he loves me (which I really hate).  I could have sex with him, but my senses tell me I really need to not open that door.  Then I'm talking to this other guy, but it's nothing serious.  He's sexy....REALLY fine...but he's young and immature (like 26!) and we have really nothing in common besides attraction.  THEN I'm also talking to this guy Hector, who is actually pretty cool.  I actually like him.  

We were supposed to go out last night, but I totally cancelled on him.  It was only because I didn't have any money and I'm not the type of girl who just assumes the guy is going to pay.  I mean, if he does, that's fine.  But why would I go out without any money like I EXPECT him to pay?  Hello, I'm an independent woman.  I don't need to be taken care of.  Anyway, I didn't tell him that, I just said I wasn't quite ready.  And maybe I wasn't!  

Oh, but I have a funny story.  Remember I was talking about the new guy at work?  I've been staring him down like I was a hungry lion and he was a juicy steak...hahaha.  I totally did eyefuck him, a couple times.  Well anyway, I was talking to Krissi about him and I found out he's only 20!!  What!!!  So the next time he walked by my desk, kind of sloooooow like, I just looked the other way.  Nope.  Damn it, though.

Okay well it's 8:48 and I AM going to get my yoga done.  Peace!

Reiki and Sunburn

As you can see, I'm done with the song lyrics.  This lovely Greek goddess is Echo...she loved the sound of her own voice, and fell in love with Narcissus.  Yeah, that's right.  It sounds a bit like me, no?  I mean, I don't necessarily love the sound of my own voice -- but I do talk.  A LOT.  In situations where I should be quiet and listen, like during meetings with my boss or conferences with the kids' teachers.  I also have a bad habit of interrupting and talking over my customers.  I talk so much...but I say so little.

Anyway I could start psychoanalyzing myself again but that's not what I came for.  I have so much to talk about!  I am officially a Reiki level 1 practitioner.  Yayyyyy!  I had my first attunement on Saturday.  It was an all day class with meditation and discussion.  There were 8 of us, plus Karen.  She is the psychic who gave me that reading at Spirit Dreams.  I really feel like I am aligning with my true path, and this excites me.  

The Reiki 2 attunement is May 31, and Reiki Master on June 21.  There is a small conflict there -- it falls on Hoodilidoo weekend.  On the plus side, I already have the time off work.  I think my priorities are shifting, because becoming a healer is much more appealing now to me than going to a music festival.  I mean, sure, I'm still going to Peace Fest and all.  But I don't feel sad about missing Hoodilidoo to get my master attunement.  Besides, it's the summer solstice!

After my attunement, I felt different.  I was so tired, I went to sleep at 8:30 and didn't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I couldn't do yoga at 5:15.  I came home and did it, though, and I never had a better practice in my life.  I took so many notes at the class, and I planned on transferring all the information to this blog, but I'm still not quite connected with communication.  It's like there's a block on the words coming out, and I know that now is not the time to explain it.  Anyway, I've been doing the daily self-healing and my chakras are supposed to settle down after 21 days.

I am also cutting cords.  I have released attachments to so many things, and have realized it is safe to put  them behind me.  I made an appointment for a cover up of the Noe tattoo on my neck.  His memory is finally fading back into the nothing of my past.  Whatever lingering attachment remained, I let go.  In fact, I made a fake Facebook profile a year ago and I was using it to periodically see what was going on with him.  (Please don't ask me why, this is something I don't have the ability to explain.  It's the same thing that kept me going back even after I knew he was toxic to my life.  It was some kind of sick addiction)

Anyway, as with all of my other addictions, I have noticed that one gently fading away as well.  I couldn't tell you the last time I checked his profile...maybe fall?  Sure, I still talk about him here.  I learned so much from that experience.  I grew, I changed -- I am grateful for the blessing I had to become what I am now, and I know it was in part due to the agony I felt -- it was time to blossom, because the pain of staying the same outweighed the fear of changing.  

And now look!  LIFE is SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!  I could never imagine I'd be so happy.  There is the book club, and the sister circle, and the reiki, and the ayurveda class, and my apartment, and my job, and my children, and the yoga, and the class parties -- I am finally LIVING!  I am really ALIVE!  I experience joy in every moment, this is ten million times more than I ever lived before.  My light has gone from dull and flickering to blinding.  I am radiant, I am filled with purpose -- I love myself, I know what I want, I believe in myself, and I'm doing things that make me HAPPY and feed my soul!  How could I have ever found this if I had never gone through Hell to get here?

Coconut Oil, Crystal Deodorant, and Fake Cigarettes

In honor of my latest tropical obsession, coconut oil, I decided to choose a goddess of Hawaii -- Pele.  Behold.  :)

So, here's the crazy thing.  Actually, two crazy things -- a bit of foreshadowing which occurred in my life about 5 years ago.  At that time, my life was COMPLETELY different.  I had just left Tristan's dad.  I stayed in a domestic violence shelter in Hastings and then got a cute little one bedroom attic apartment right there in town.  I was on cash assistance, food stamps, and section 8.  I did not drive.  Not only had I sold my car to pay for an abortion, but I was so far behind in child support that my license was suspended anyway.

This was my first opportunity to actually get to know myself.  Previously, I had always lived for someone else.  I wasn't CHRISTINE, I was (insert name here)'s girlfriend.  I didn't do things, WE did.  I liked whatever he liked.  I rearranged my life to accommodate whoever I was with.  Whomever?  Whatever.  Anyway. 

It wasn't until this time that I suddenly and startlingly realized that I didn't even know who I was.  I didn't even know what I liked!  To put it in perspective, I went from my parents' house to Brian's house to my own apartment while I dated the guy I had cheated on Brian with which Tristan's dad then moved into after I met him.  We then lived together until I left him.  When had I ever spent time by myself?  All this time, I had expended so much energy trying to be whatever (insert name here) wanted me to be that I had never once stopped to ask myself who I really was.

So, at this apartment by myself in Hastings, I finally discovered that my favorite scent was coconut.  I realized that I was enamored with it.  I had coconut scented body wash, deodorant, bath salts, candles, and incense.  I couldn't get enough.  That was one of the first things I remember learning about who I was independent of any relationship.  Around that same time, I joined a dating site.  This was long before I really got much into Eastern philosophy like I am now.  But for some reason, the name I chose as a handle on that site was LotusBlossom.  Yeah...for real.

Now look, Sienna was delivered by a Crowning Lotus doula, I am all about the yoga lifestyle and Eastern philosophy, and have become obsessed with coconut oil due to the fact that it can pretty much do anything and is totally kick-ass.  I mean, seriously.  I made toothpaste with it.  I put it in my hair and on my body.  I used it instead of butter in the kids' macaroni and cheese, greased the pan with it that I made Tristan's pancake in, and made THE BEST grilled cheese EVER by spreading it on the bread instead of butter.  I feel like I was always heading toward this.  

I mean, I also think about how, three months before Dwight and I split up, I went to Shipsy with my mom, grandma, aunt, sister, and (girl) cousins.  This was...3 years ago.  My mom offered to buy me something from one of the vendors as a birthday gift, and for some reason I was drawn to the necklace I still wear today -- the Hindu OM symbol made of water buffalo bone.  Again, I still didn't know much -- I probably STILL don't know much, but I wasn't actively pursuing that path like I am now.  

Then...one year ago, after I had Sienna.  That's when I met Sue, the counselor/yoga instructor.  The woman who taught me meditations, mudras, mindfulness.  (Oooh, alliteration...) She is the one who said that if I developed a relationship with yoga by practicing daily, it would help me break free from the thinking that I needed a relationship with Noe. I mean, seriously??!!  It's like, every two years something happens that pushes me closer to where I'm supposed to be.  It's really cool, actually.  And this is not at all what I intended to write about, but this is what it is.  Good day!

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead, And the white knight is talking backwards, And the red queen's off with her head, Remember what the dormouse said -- Feed your head, feed your head

This is Inanna.  Isn't she beautiful?  The reason I chose her today is because she, like Persephone, descended into the underworld.  Her death lasted for...three days.  Hmmm.  Now may we draw a parallel between religions here?  First, what were all these myths and stories trying to explain?  

I watched the movie Zeitgeist yesterday.  Well, not the whole thing, because I had to get Tristan from school.  I plan to finish it today.  Anyway, in the beginning they describe Christian mythology and compare it to the stories in other mythologies that came before.  Horus was born of the virgin Isis, died and was resurrected.  The movie gave several other examples, but the point I'm trying to make is that this idea was around before Christianity was invented.  So if we look deeper, we wonder why all the stories are so similar.  What is the underlying meaning?  What is the metaphor?

Too many people take religious teachings too literally, and miss out on the treasure of wisdom contained in the metaphor.  They destroy the mystery and beauty by turning into a cold, dead, two-dimensional "fact", arguing over  the interpretation of those "facts", when they are completely missing the point.  All religions are just different ways of trying to explain the SAME. DAMN. THING.  The problem is, those in power have often seen fit to  twist religion to suit their political agenda, as a way of manipulating and controlling the masses.  And of course, we're all too eager to jump at each other's throats playing "My God is better than yours" while the puppet masters sit back and have a laugh. 

Stop falling for it!  Whatever religion you choose, use it to perpetuate love and peace.  Focus on the teachings, not the dogma.  Don't worry about what other people believe.  Be an example.  Stop getting so caught up in the details  that you forget we are all so much more similar than we are different, and so much more powerful when we unite.  Anyway, that's MY sermon for the day.

I do feel like a big shift is happening, and I'm excited.  I believe the next phase of my life is where I'm really going to be able to make a difference.  Sometimes I feel like I'm too old to accomplish anything significant, but in that movie I learned (or was reminded, not sure if I knew before) that Jesus didn't start his work until he was 30.  I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus -- I'm just saying that, having started at 30 doesn't mean I can't make a positive impact on this world.

I did the 90 minute half primary today and I feel great!  The vinyasas in between the ending postures don't irritate me as much as they did before.  It was the three part jump-through from downward dog to sitting that was really frustrating to me.  I still can't do it, but I modified and I'm closer than I was before.  At least I'm trying.

I went to pick up some protein shakes from my mom at work today and she told me I must not be eating enough because I'm getting so skinny.  Victory!!  When you see yourself every day in the mirror, you don't really notice when your body changes.  I put on my "skinny jeans" (not skinny style, but jeans I wore when I was skinny) and they were BAGGY today.  These were the jeans I wore before I got pregnant for Sienna.  Besides, I weighed myself at Grandma's and I was only 5 pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight -- but much healthier this time.  Instead of drugs and skipped meals, now I am nourishing my body with healthy food and daily yoga.

Those little changes we make every day may not seem like very much, but when you add up each millimeter every day over a period of time, you can go miles.  :)

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back, And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack, I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself, See you messed up my mental health, I was quite unwell

Today, I choose Persephone.  It seems rather fitting, since she is playing hide and seek right now!  It is April 15.  This morning, when I looked out my window, I saw a blanket of snow covering everything.  It was sick.  

This winter, however, has taught me something about acceptance.  There are circumstances that you can change, but there are some that you just have to accept.  And what impact does it have on the weather if I choose to be pissed off and grumpy at the snow?  Whether I'm happy or sad, the weather will do what the weather will do.  I am certainly not punishing Mother Nature with MY bad mood -- I am only spoiling my own joy.  I realized this early in the winter, and despite this being one of the coldest, snowiest, LONGEST winters I have ever experienced...it has also been the most peaceful because I finally learned to just let go.

I am feeling very ADD today, so we'll see if I ever get to discussing anything I came here to discuss.  I started this post, went searching for a picture of Persephone, decided to update my Facebook status to say, "I think Persephone is playing hide and seek", then started reading through my news feed, at which point I saw a link for my friend Shawna's blog, read her post...and remembered I was supposed to be working on mine.  Wow.  :)

Powerful energies in the air today, right?  I'm excited.  Big changes are definitely coming.  This full moon heralds it, the eclipse proclaims it, and the number 555 showing up everywhere reinforces it for me.  Transformation is underway.  

When you make a lifestyle change, you assume it's a destination.  At least I did.  I thought I would take the path of changes, it would lead me to the person I wanted to be, and the work would be done.  I would be changed and STAY changed.  This is not the case!  Change is a continuous flow.  It is a layering of better choice upon better choice, continuing to weave each into the tapestry of your future.  

I really got my life on track.  I have to remember, though, how I got here.  I won't STAY on track if I don't continue to put forth the same effort it took to get me this far to begin with.  For example, I am still breaking patterns.  There is some part of me, some wounded dysfunctional part, that is attracted on some primal level to dangerous men.  I still have the craving, I just don't satisfy it.  Sometimes I feel myself trying to justify an action that I already know is wrong.  Sometimes I STILL struggle.  I know it will get easier with time, but the work never ends.  I have to stay alert.

There is this guy on this dating site.  As a matter of fact, I deleted my profile from the pointless dating site I had been on before (again).  I was checking my email at work and had an email from another dating site, which I had deleted in January.  I decided to reinstall it because I was bored.  This guy that I was talking to in DECEMBER -- whom I never met -- instantly starts messaging me, telling me he missed me.  He LOVES me.  

Now, I KNOW this is crazy.  But you know what?  Part of me LIKES the insane attention.  I mean, come on.  Let's be honest.  I like to feel like an exalted goddess. I like to feel gorgeous, to feel special.  The  thing is, though, I also know it can't possibly be genuine.  How could it be?  We've never met!  He doesn't know me!  And also, I have an affinity for PASSION.  Whenever the force of an attraction is so strong, so consuming -- whenever a guy comes at me with that fierce aggressive desire, I KNOW the sex is going to be absolutely amazing.  So much intensity, so much electricity.  Such raw, unbridled passion (and I don't mean love).  

So, I am tempted to just dip my toes in the water for a little while.  The little stupid voice in my head that tries to talk me into doing things I know I shouldn't tries to tell me that I can just have a fling with him and then forget about him...but, I swear on my children, that is the EXACT THING I told myself about Noe.  I really did.  I just wanted some good sex, I planned on moving on within a month.  

But there's the problem -- no matter the result, you're going to be disappointed.  Either the sex IS good, and then of course you don't want to walk away from it because you'll feel like you're missing out, so you sacrifice your own happiness for it -- or the sex is bad, and you're disappointed, and you wonder why you even bothered wasting your time.  In what scenario do you end up happy?  Which outcome is going to lead you to ultimate happiness?  Neither.  Chasing a fiery fling is going to lead you to temporary excitement and ultimate regret.  Luckily, I have learned this lesson well.

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive, if you don't have it you're on the other side, I'm not an addict...........maybe, that's a lie....

Isis!  BAM!  Man, there are soooooo many goddesses.  This is a good idea, it will last for a long time!  

So, I'm manic right now.  I have noticed something about my mania, and I feel like in a spiritual sense, it is a gift.  The way I feel when I'm manic is that I'm more tuned in to the universal life force.  Like, that force...that chi...that prana...the vibrant electric current of energy...it just flows through me, pouring through my crown chakra like a waterfall, energizing every cell, stimulating my mind and invigorating my heart.  I feel like the top of my head has been cut open and the golden rays of spirit are shining directly on to my inner core, soaking me thoroughly.  I am more articulate, more sexually responsive, more creative, more friendly, more insightful.  

I know this sounds crazy, but I don't think bipolar is a disease or a handicap.  I believe it is a gift, just a state of being more receptive to connection with source.  That mania is an opening of the portal...and depression, by contrast, is a tightening shut.  No light peeks in, the flowers inside wither and die, no energy gets the body moving, it is in a state of stasis.  Then the portal opens, the light gets in, and things begin to blossom like crazy.  I think there must be a way for every person to control this.  How maddening, to feel so close to the divine one moment...and hopelessly exiled to the most barren lifeless nothing the next.  

People who don't understand the "disease" try to explain it.  They make a list of symptoms and call you crazy.  How do they know we're crazy?  Maybe we're crazy to people who don't feel this way, but maybe there's nothing wrong with this.  And how would they know?  I have always wondered about "insanity" since I was a little girl.  I always had this idea that maybe they just see things we can't, hear things we don't, and we assume they're crazy and lock them up when really we're just not perceptive to the things they're picking up on.  How would we know whether those things are real?  Who defines reality?  How much of reality do we not yet understand?  What if they're just tuned in to something we have no access to, and therefore no understanding of?

I hear voices.  And I don't think I'm crazy.  I only hear them when I'm "manic", which to me is a time when the veil for me between this world and the astral plane are thinnest.  They don't tell me to kill people or set buildings on fire.  Sometimes they are just talking, sometimes they give comforting advice.  Sometimes I hear music.  How can you tell me the music isn't there?  How do you know?  That's like a blind man telling me there is no such thing as the color blue.  

Anyway, it's coming up to a full moon -- and a lunar eclipse, at that.  A powerful time.  Last night it was like my brain was continually downloading information and wisdom.  I wanted to write it all down, much of it was quickly lost.  Not lost, but integrated into me.  Like, I absorbed the knowledge.  But I could not repeat it.  I could not pass it on.  I could not explain what I understood.  I was lying awake stressing over this whole thing with Tristan, and I clearly heard a voice and it gave me the best advice.  I was instantly comforted and at ease.  But I started to drift to sleep and I fought to stay awake so I wouldn't forget what I had heard.  I repeated it to myself several times, but upon awakening, I couldn't recall what had been said.  The feeling of peace, however, remained with me.

Okay so now that I sound totally insane...yoga is going so well.  Now that I'm getting the rhythm, falling into the groove, it's so beautifully expressive.  It's like a dance.  It's poetry in motion.  I almost feel addicted to it, like I have  to force myself to take my Saturdays off.  I feel out of sorts.  I read somewhere, though, that the purpose of taking Saturdays off is to prevent attachment to the practice.  Well, of course I'm attached to it!  But, I get the point.  Tomorrow is a moon day, being the full moon, so I'm going to do yoga tonight and take tomorrow off.

Speaking of, it's time for me to hit the mat.  Adios!

Mother mother, can you hear me? Sure I'm sober, sure I'm sane Life is perfect, never better Still your daughter, still the same

Today I am feeling very Artemis.  RAWR.  Don't FUCK with me.  Seriously, I'm trying to be all peace and love and everything, and I've been taking painstaking efforts to make sure only kindness passes my lips.  It's hard, to say the least.  But I have so much pent up rage and frustration, I just want to come here and let it all out.  I tried to type a few sentences filled with profanity about the situation, but it just looked so ugly.  Really I'm better than that, even in my blog.  I can't let this defeat me or turn me into something ugly.

So, you know how I was just saying that I thought Mom had my back?  Haaaaaaa NOT.  She met with me under  the pretense that she was supportive of my plans to take Tristan back, pretending like she wanted to help me develop a plan.  But all I heard when I got there was unfounded excuse after irrelevant concern as to why I can't be a good mother.  Honestly, it's hard enough to change.  Even harder when your own family insists on clinging to an outdated story about you that hasn't been true for over a year.  I'm exasperated.  

I'm to the point, though, that I feel like I'm just wasting my energy trying to prove something to them.  They don't have to believe me.  They don't have to agree with me.  They don't have to like me.  But Tristan is my son, and they DO have to cooperate with me.  If they don't, I'm sure I can get a judge to motivate them.  I'm not playing games.  I can just see it now -- after giving them ample time to prepare for this, having notified them in November about my intention, they're going to keep dragging their feet.  Rachel isn't going to schedule counseling and she's going to keep trying to blow me off.  Come August, (or sooner), they're going to act all shocked and offended when they get served with papers.  Listen, I'm giving you an opportunity to work with me.  If you refuse, don't make ME the bad guy because I'm not just going to roll over.  Not on your life.  Sorry about your luck.

Anyway, there, I vented a little.  Supposedly Mom is setting up a meeting for all of us next week, but whatever.  Anyway, I'm manic again.  I was up at 2 AM and I tried to go back to sleep -- it seemed a little wrong to do yoga so early.  I was worried that if I did, I'd be tired later and regretting that time I could have been sleeping.  By 4 AM though, I gave up and hit the mat.  It was helpful, but even then I couldn't release all of these emotions.  They're clinging to me like so much toxic sticky crap.  I really don't want to be angry.  I don't want to be sad.  I just don't know how to get rid of all this black ugliness.  I need a Magic Eraser for the soul.  Or the heart.  I don't know.

I got a 90% on my first Ayurveda exam.  I got mixed up, I thought Veda meant "life" and Ayu meant "knowledge".  Because, you know, in Spanish "life" is Vida, so it was similar.  Today I pick up my order from the food co-op, I got the ingredients to make my own non-toxic toothpaste and some organic food bars and some essential oils and some incense.  

I'm also going to the rock and mineral show with Raven later, I think I mentioned that already.  Then tomorrow I'm going to a cookout at a co-worker Courtney's house.  

Oh my gosh, SPEAKING of co-workers!  MMMMMMM....there is a new employee on the bilingual team, and OH.MY.GOD he is FIIIIIIINE!  I still have a thing kinda for Wiltmar too, every time I see him I get butterflies.  I don't understand why I torture myself with interoffice crushes, I'm sure these guys are all married and anyway I'm way too shy to ever approach them and there's no way they're going to subliminally pick up on my vibe.  UGH frustrating.  Although when the new guy walked by me yesterday, I couldn't HELP but stare for a minute...I think I even eye-fucked him a little bit.  Hahaha.  I sound like such a perv.

But HEY, I haven't had sex in 5 months!  And I've been clean and sober (from drugs) for a WHOLE YEAR!  Oh yeah, I never talked about that in here before.  Well, surprise.  This is the longest I've ever made it since I left Brian, which was 9 years ago.  I feel that a celebration is in order!

it doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all, the life I've left behind me is a cold room, I've crossed the last line, from where I can't return, where every step I took in faith betrayed me

Blessings, divine ones!  It has taken me a while to post because it is spring break, so I was spending time with the loves of my life.  :)  It was great.  We went up north to visit my grandparents, watched a movie together (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2), took a walk on the nature trail, and hung out at home.  The kids made forts, did sidewalk chalking while I hula hooped outside, and played on the computer.  I consider the "weekend" a success.  :)

Speaking of my children, I feel like I'm finally making some progress where it concerns Tristan.  I almost feel like trying to get him back has been like butting my head up against a wall of ice, over and over and over again.  I couldn't seem to get anywhere for the longest time, but now it's finally starting to crack.  If I keep patiently persistently ramming my head into it, it's bound to give way.  I can already see the signs. 

For one, I asked in early February for Rachel to make an appointment with Tristan's counselor.  In short, she hasn't.  She keeps saying we have an appointment scheduled, then it's supposedly rescheduled, and on and on.  She's full of shit and I know it, but I think she thinks if they drag their feet it will slow me down.  It won't.  I'll just move ahead without them if I have to.  Also I keep trying to set up a meeting for us all to discuss the transition and she ignores emails, texts, and Facebook messages.  So I went directly to my brother and directly to my mom and got them involved in setting it up.  If she's going to be the rock in my path, I'm going to be like a river and just flow on around her.  

Anyway, now I feel like the tide has finally turned.  For the longest time, it was like Blair and Rachel were a team with my mom and they were all against me.  Now I think my mom sees that I am serious and she has some respect for what I've been doing, and she's coming up with ideas to help make this easier for Tristan.  This is huge.  She's finally acknowledging that he IS coming home, and she is on board to help make this a success rather than just trying to be an obstacle.  She works with a girl who fostered her nephew for two years and has been gathering information from her and from her caseworker to assist us.  Of course Rachel still doesn't like it.  She won't say as much, but I know she does not want to cooperate in any way in letting Tristan come home.  But without my mom joining in, she's going to lose a lot of steam.  Victory is imminent.

This is a super long entry and I still have so much to talk about!  I guess I'll talk about my shamanic journey and leave off there.  It was great!  This time, I was brought to each place I visit in my recurring nightmares which I associate with fear -- an open body of water, with  rocks.  A big rocky cliff.  A lonely neighborhood, where I am wandering along.  When I got to each of these places, though, I faced them.  I swam in the rocky river, explored the neighborhood, climbed up in a tree...and found peace.  The fear was all in my head, you know?  The emotion I had attached to these circumstances...well it completely dissolved when I confronted them.  

On the second journey, I first saw flashes.  Images, a threatening-looking snake.  Owl eyes.  Some type of bird wings.  Then I was in a jungle, alone and lost and afraid.  I summoned this energy within myself and became a queen.  I sat at my jungle throne and petted a tiger, who was sweetly nuzzling my hand.  I understood that this tiger represented a force within myself, my inner courage.  I found it interesting to note that while this tiger was fierce and powerful, she didn't have to express it.  In fact, she was very loving toward me.  Secure in her strength without feeling the need to prove anything.  My strength, since that journey, has been like that.  I know I am strong.  I know I am fierce.  But I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I don't need to threaten or bare my teeth.  I can just rest, sweetly, and be kind unless and until I am called to actually show my claws.  

The next day, I went to go to the Blisswurx art workshop, but no one showed up.  Kristi was the host, and she was there.  I had met her only twice before, at the full moon ritual and at the goddess affair where I read her tarot cards late last summer.  I was nervous but I have made it a point to branch out, explore uncomfortable territory, and get to know people.  I am scared of people.  But we ended up going back to her house and painting with acrylics while listening to music and watching spiritual videos about self-love.  It was consciousness expansion and I loved it.  Then Raven came over and we had some wine and new bonds were forged -- it was so comforting to share space with people who think the way I do.  It's good to be reminded sometimes that you're not the only one, and you're not crazy.  

Anyway, Raven and I are meeting up at the rock and mineral show Friday night.  I'm so excited!  I CAN make friends!  :)

Oh yeah, yoga is going great.  I've moved on to the half primary but honestly it's 90 minutes and I just don't have the attention span.  Especially when, at the end, you have to do a vinyasa between every pose.  It's tedious and I'm not sure after all if Ashtanga is right for me.  I like the idea of doing the same steps every day and all that, but this could be a deal breaker.  I would like an hour version without a vinyasa between every pose, and maybe then it would work.  I'll have to explore.  Also the pulled muscle in my leg still hurts and I feel like I should take a break, but I can't/don't want to.  I think I'm addicted...;)

Not unfaithful but I'll stray...when I get a little scared, when I get a little scared...

Well, shit.  I've already done flowers, food, animals, gemstones, yoga poses...what now?  I am going to be doing the exact same Ashtanga class for the next 30 days, so I'm not going to have new yoga poses all the time.  I'm sure by the time I reach the end of this post, I'll think of something.
*It's going to be goddesses.  Duh.  Meet Lakshmi!  :)

It's a beautiful day!  It's sunny and a little warm.  Ahhhhh SPRING!  I was starting to think winter would never end.  I'm starting to wake up from hibernation.  On Saturday I finally bought a razor...you don't even WANT to know how long it's been since I've shaved.  You know what, though?  I don't really even care.  If I want to do it, I'll do it, and if I don't...why should I?  

If I do end up in a relationship, I don't want the person to be expecting the hoop earrings-full face of makeup-legs shaved-hair not in a ponytail girl every day.  Because that's just not who I am.  And who I AM is no less because I don't see the point in doing those things all the time.  Who I end up with should understand that those are things I do for me, when I want to, and not a duty I need to fulfill in order to make another person happy.  

I do feel beautiful right now though.  I got my hair done yesterday, and Sarah is just amazing.  I will never let anyone else touch my hair as long as I live!  It looks great, and it's finally starting to look healthy again after I murdered it this past summer.  She put a fun purple streak in it which I will thoroughly enjoy until it fades away.  

I'm pretty sure the mania has tapered off.  I was writing furiously for hours on my last "weekend", unable to stop for the life of me.  Last week at work, I actually had a couple days that were difficult to get out of bed.  I wasn't depressed, I wasn't manic -- just kind of in between.  Is that what normal feels like?  I wouldn't know.  

I gave Sarah the gifts I got for Sienna's birthday so she can give them to Kelli.  I wrote her a trite little poem on the inside cover of the book I got her.  Forgive me if I already talked about this, I don't mean to be redundant.  I got her a glow worm and Shel Silverstein's "A Giraffe and a Half" because my love of poetry started in first grade with Shel Silverstein.  That was something which impacted who I became in a significant way.  My teacher would read a poem of his every day, and I had her for two years.  Eventually my "show and tell" would be just me, reading a poem I had written.  Here's the one I wrote for Sienna:

A smile so big, a spirit bright

It gave me so much joy

A heart so filled with beaming light

You glow, just like this toy

Love beyond your wildest dreams

Is what I wish for you

Seeing all the love you have

I know my wish came true

The other gift I want to share

The love of written word

The poems of Shel Silverstein

Were the first I ever heard

What a life you've had so far

I can't believe you're one!

So much growing still to do

And so much, so much fun.

Why don’t you get out of my life, get out of my sight Get off of my back. Why don’t you get back to your world, Go back to your girl I think you owe her...

BOOyah.  Yup, I did it.  Well to be honest, I had both hands on the ground, but I couldn't find a picture of that.  So just now, I tried the pose as pictured to make sure I can do that too...and I can!

I was looking at a yoga class yesterday, and in the notes the instructor had mentioned something about how -- in yoga and in life -- we have areas of ease and openness, and areas which seem tight and obstinate.  For me, I feel like a rockstar when I spread my legs and put my head down on the floor, or reach behind my back and grab my toes.  But it is very humbling when I try to do the middle splits, or to spread my legs very far out in a forward fold.  It's a reminder, both to not be so cocky because just because you're awesome at one thing, but also not to lose heart just because you suck at another thing.  

There are so many threads, woven intricately into our individual tapestries.  I truly believe, at the end of the day, everything balances out and we are all equal.  It's like studying the doshas, I learned we are all 100%.  We are all made up of kapha, pitta, and vata in varying degrees.  

If I'm 50% vata, 40% pitta, and 10% kapha (which is probably pretty close to what I really am) and Jewel is 70% kapha, 20% vata, and 10% pitta -- she is different, but still EQUAL.  She has 100%.  I have 100%.  None of these things are GOOD, or BAD, or BETTER, or WORSE.  It is the intention behind how we USE our energy, I believe.

Additionally, let's say that I meet another individual who is also 50% vata, 40% pitta, and 10% kapha.  Does that then mean that this person is exactly like me?  No!  Each element manifests in various ways.  Maybe my vata manifests mentally, in my "air-headed" forgetful spacy ways.  Maybe her vata manifests physically, in a slight frame and dry skin.  It's so complex, but so simple.  Everything is everything, just in varying degrees and manifesting in different ways.  On that note, my ayurveda course begins tomorrow.  I am so excited!

I am actually making a lot of progress in a lot of ways.  I stepped back and took a look at my life and where it is going and I am very satisfied.  I am taking the kids, the loves of my life, to a movie tonight.  I am going to the April shamanic journey meetup on Friday.  I am getting my level 1 Reiki attunement in a couple weeks.  The sister circle is starting a book club, beginning with Women Who Run With Wolves (which, coincidentally, I found at a garage sale this past summer and bought).  I am just so fucking happy.  Really!

Happy April 1, by the way.  I finished my 30 day yoga challenge and decided that today was a good day to begin a new 30 day commitment.  This month is all about Ashtanga.  I found a 45 minute beginner Ashtanga flow on YogaGlo, so I'm going to do that every day for the next month.  

Also, I ordered the ingredients I need to make my own toothpaste and deodorant.  I'm turning into a weirdo, I know.  But  the more you learn about toxic ingredients we consume on a daily basis, the more you want to find ways around it!  I don't have to have flouride.  I don't have to plug the pores in my armpits with cancer-causing chemicals.  I'm EXCITED to take charge of my own health!  The food co-op even orders from Creswick Farms.  Their cows are grass-fed, not given antibiotics or growth stimulants, and allowed to live happily and peacefully.  I can actually feel good about buying meat again.

I'm getting my hair done today in a couple hours, so I'm just killing time until then.  Today was supposed to be a cleaning day, but it's raining and I don't feel like it.  I think I'll read a book instead.  :)